Coping with anxiety once kids are no longer at home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

You sound a bit naive but whatever helps you sleep better. Good kids are not totally immune from getting into trouble.

[Anonymous]

It helps if they find decent friends and partners to watch out for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you do it? How do you not worry about them traveling abroad, driving, being safe coming home at night...? I worry already with driving teens but the idea of not knowing about their safety at all upsets me when I think about it.

If you are a worrier and a parent, you'll worry. Its going to keep changing with your age and their age but its not going to go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

You sound a bit naive but whatever helps you sleep better. Good kids are not totally immune from getting into trouble.

So…I guess you just sit around worrying constantly about your good kids?

What a strange comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you do it? How do you not worry about them traveling abroad, driving, being safe coming home at night...? I worry already with driving teens but the idea of not knowing about their safety at all upsets me when I think about it.

Start by accepting YOU ARE the one with the problem. I know I am.

I try to stay busy... work, exercise classes, walking, listening to fun/good podcasts, getting good sleep, being around friends who go through the same is comforting.
Having a spouse who supports you, etc.

If all fails, talk to your doctor/therapist and maybe get some medication!

[Anonymous]

Perhaps other parents can heed your question as a cautionary tale. The answer is that you build up resilience the same way you build your own child’s independence and responsibility. You slowly learn how to parent like it’s 1992.
If you track your child’s location - stop. start by not tracking them for day to day activities close to home, then stop tracking on weekends unless they miss curfew, then stop all together and ask them to check in when they arrive or when plans change. If you read their messages, stop.

Raise your kids to make good decisions and then trust them. If you say “I trust my kids but what about all the danger in the world I can’t control?” Well, you can’t control it. Worrying will not change that, it only keeps you from enjoying your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.

+1 What causes me most anxiety is when they tell me about an issue that has them upset and that they are having trouble dealing with. I don't try to fix their problems, but it does make me worry. But over time, I've realized that they just want to vent to me and don't think to tell me when the issue got resolved (as they always do). They also don't think to tell me the good things going on in their lives so I'm more proactive about steering our conversations toward positive things. I don't want to just be their dumping ground.

OP here and I am terrible at this. They tell me everything all the time, big and small issues. I want to save the day, and if I resist saving the day it completely upsets me still that they have some issue. Sometimes I wish they told me a little less of the negative stuff and just would deal on their own. I really dread having a lot of bad calls.

Your kids have to feel uncomfortable sometimes - sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated, confused, etc. If you fix the problem to alleviate YOUR discomfort with their discomfort, you are doing them a huge disservice. They need to learn how to solve their own problems and rely on themselves. They also need to sit with negative feelings and realize that feelings resolve and will not hurt you. I understand why you feel this way because when my kids are upset it hurts my feelings WAY more than if the same thing happened to me. This is one of the hardest parts of parenting for me. Weirdly I had a very anxious, overprotective mother in many ways but she actually did a really good job of helping me develop good coping and problem solving skills before I left for college. Only now as a (less anxious) parent do I recognize how much restraint that took.

[Anonymous]

Parenting well is a process of slowly letting go. Training them to fly away from the nest. That's the whole point, OP. Overprotectiveness hurts you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

I have a college student I talk to maybe twice a week by text. I'm giving my young adult child the space to grow up. I'm doing it consciously because I had a mother who wouldn't let go and called me every night at college (before the internet, so on the actual phone) to lament how I was so far away, and she was worried, and any bad news she had heard urging me to keep safe. All it did was make me feel enormously guilty and I look back now on college and still can't fully embrace it as a joyful experience because I was too balled up in my mother's anxieties and worries to have a good time. I went home a few weekends a month (long drive, which is odd, because it put me on the dangerous interstates in bad weather) trying to placate her. Now that I'm much older, I wish I would have stood my ground and said no Mom, I'm staying here this weekend to have some fun. Go get yourself a hobby, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

You sound a bit naive but whatever helps you sleep better. Good kids are not totally immune from getting into trouble.

So…I guess you just sit around worrying constantly about your good kids?

What a strange comment.

No. Assumption that only bad kids get in trouble is strange.

[Anonymous]

I will say that I never expected this but restraint is the most important and hardest skill needed as parent of kid over 18. Of course there was a little of this teens years but nothing like when they go away. Unless asked do not offer opinion or projection on their decisions. Do not figure out how to get them out of Morocco when the last flight get canceled. Do not write their professors, boss, RA, administrators etc unless it is literally life or death. As you practice this restraint, the anxiety dissipates because you know that they can handle their own life. It’s very hard but it is their life and just enjoy that you brought them along to this point. I don’t say this lightly, it is really hard. But they have to learn to fail and get up. And you have to learn to live the rest of your life without the anxiety. You’ll always worry about your kid but you need to detach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say that I never expected this but restraint is the most important and hardest skill needed as parent of kid over 18. Of course there was a little of this teens years but nothing like when they go away. Unless asked do not offer opinion or projection on their decisions. Do not figure out how to get them out of Morocco when the last flight get canceled. Do not write their professors, boss, RA, administrators etc unless it is literally life or death. As you practice this restraint, the anxiety dissipates because you know that they can handle their own life. It’s very hard but it is their life and just enjoy that you brought them along to this point. I don’t say this lightly, it is really hard. But they have to learn to fail and get up. And you have to learn to live the rest of your life without the anxiety. You’ll always worry about your kid but you need to detach.

I've never been a meddler when it comes to school. I've never called a teacher or emailed a teacher. I don't find that I need restraint for that because I know they are good students and do just fine and figure things out. The college process though? I have meddled, a ton. There was so much to do that was tough to keep track of, lots of apathy and anxiety at the most crucial time in the fall. So I meddled, I hated every bit of it but in retrospect it was a good thing I did since so much maturing happened by this time of year. So I feel ambivalent about the need to sometimes meddle. The Morocco thing you mention? I'm pretty sure I'd be getting a call asking me to help, and that I would help because physical safety is my #1 worry. If I don't get told something though, I obviously cannot be upset/anxious about it or meddle so sometimes I wish I could be ignorant about things because it's a lot easier than knowing and not helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.

+1 What causes me most anxiety is when they tell me about an issue that has them upset and that they are having trouble dealing with. I don't try to fix their problems, but it does make me worry. But over time, I've realized that they just want to vent to me and don't think to tell me when the issue got resolved (as they always do). They also don't think to tell me the good things going on in their lives so I'm more proactive about steering our conversations toward positive things. I don't want to just be their dumping ground.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

Why do adult children share their locations? This seems weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

You sound a bit naive but whatever helps you sleep better. Good kids are not totally immune from getting into trouble.

DP: obviously it's not a guarantee, but after 22 years with your kids and watching how they handled hs and college and who their friends have been, you have an excellent idea who I on the right track and who could easily stray.
That is why we got our kid help in Ed when they had leaning issues/anciety/no exec functioning/adhd. We got them therapy and assistance then so ms and beyond would have a better chance at success. And for us it work--have a 26 yo in the same job for almost 4 years at a great company and living independently 2k miles from home. Sure there could be some issues but not that likely. And they communicate with us regularly and visit when we can (we arrange weekend trips and invite them along if they can)