Reply to Coping with anxiety once kids are no longer at home

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.[/quote]

+1 What causes me most anxiety is when they tell me about an issue that has them upset and that they are having trouble dealing with. I don't try to fix their problems, but it does make me worry. But over time, I've realized that they just want to vent to me and don't think to tell me when the issue got resolved (as they always do). They also don't think to tell me the good things going on in their lives so I'm more proactive about steering our conversations toward positive things. I don't want to just be their dumping ground.[/quote]

OP here and I am terrible at this. They tell me everything all the time, big and small issues. I want to save the day, and [b]if I resist saving the day it completely upsets me still that they have some issue[/b]. Sometimes I wish they told me a little less of the negative stuff and just would deal on their own. I really dread having a lot of bad calls.[/quote]

This is really quite the statement. I know that anxiety knows no reason, but you really need to reframe your thinking here. Your kids WILL have issues. Bad things are going to happen to your kids, sometimes really bad things and sometimes lots of bad things. Because bad things happen to all of us. That's life!

Here's the thing: For really bad things, you can't save the day, and for most other things you shouldn't.

The really awful things of adulthood--death of a loved one, relationship problems, major illness or injury, big problems at work--you can't solve these problems for your kids. These things will happen to them, and they will struggle, and the most you can really do is be a shoulder to cry on or give them some money to help get them by or provide logistical support. And sure those things can help, but they can't make the problems go away. You can't save your kids from this stuff.

The rest of adulthood is stuff you should let your young adult kid figure out, because it's important for their transition to full adulthood. Learning how to navigate the small stuff is how we build competence and confidence. Here you can provide friendly advice, exactly like you would to a friend [i]who asks for it[/i]. But as with a friend, you should limit the advice if you're not asked and you shouldn't routinely step in and make the problem go away because that's overstepping and your kids need to learn how to do this stuff themselves. You will not always be around to help, so they need experience helping themselves. That doesn't mean you can't ever help them! But you shouldn't make a habit of helping them with things they can handle themselves.

Say it to yourself many times until you believe it. YOU CAN'T SAVE YOUR KIDS FROM HARD THINGS. But you have confidence that they will persevere.[/quote]

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