Coping with anxiety once kids are no longer at home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

Why do adult children share their locations? This seems weird.

We started sharing it when we went to Europe for the oldest kids Hs grad gift. And it's never been turned off. We don't stalk, I mainly use it to only call if they are at home, not work or out. It's a safety item just like I share my u er rides with my partner, our kids share u er rides with us or their friends if they are solo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps other parents can heed your question as a cautionary tale. The answer is that you build up resilience the same way you build your own child’s independence and responsibility. You slowly learn how to parent like it’s 1992.
If you track your child’s location - stop. start by not tracking them for day to day activities close to home, then stop tracking on weekends unless they miss curfew, then stop all together and ask them to check in when they arrive or when plans change. If you read their messages, stop.

Raise your kids to make good decisions and then trust them. If you say “I trust my kids but what about all the danger in the world I can’t control?” Well, you can’t control it. Worrying will not change that, it only keeps you from enjoying your life.

If knowing your 18 yo is home safely in their dorm/apt on a Sat night at 2am helps you sleep track them. You can track their location/check it and not say anything to your kid if they are still at the frats/out. The issue comes when you are obsessed with it. I only track late at night (kid is female on a campus that borders a bad area and her apt is at edge of that area. So yes I might check late at night to make sure she's home safe. But if she isn't I rarely comment because I usually know where she is.

But I rarely mention anything about it. It's a safety tool for us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say that I never expected this but restraint is the most important and hardest skill needed as parent of kid over 18. Of course there was a little of this teens years but nothing like when they go away. Unless asked do not offer opinion or projection on their decisions. Do not figure out how to get them out of Morocco when the last flight get canceled. Do not write their professors, boss, RA, administrators etc unless it is literally life or death. As you practice this restraint, the anxiety dissipates because you know that they can handle their own life. It’s very hard but it is their life and just enjoy that you brought them along to this point. I don’t say this lightly, it is really hard. But they have to learn to fail and get up. And you have to learn to live the rest of your life without the anxiety. You’ll always worry about your kid but you need to detach.

I would help with flights because that is what friends and family do--I help my husband if he has that happen as well.

But I would never do any of the others--that is totally on them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

Why do adult children share their locations? This seems weird.

We started sharing it when we went to Europe for the oldest kids Hs grad gift. And it's never been turned off. We don't stalk, I mainly use it to only call if they are at home, not work or out. It's a safety item just like I share my u er rides with my partner, our kids share u er rides with us or their friends if they are solo

I guess that makes sense, but I don't want to know where my adult kids are!

As far as the OP, I think no news is good news. There isn't anything you can do anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say that I never expected this but restraint is the most important and hardest skill needed as parent of kid over 18. Of course there was a little of this teens years but nothing like when they go away. Unless asked do not offer opinion or projection on their decisions. Do not figure out how to get them out of Morocco when the last flight get canceled. Do not write their professors, boss, RA, administrators etc unless it is literally life or death. As you practice this restraint, the anxiety dissipates because you know that they can handle their own life. It’s very hard but it is their life and just enjoy that you brought them along to this point. I don’t say this lightly, it is really hard. But they have to learn to fail and get up. And you have to learn to live the rest of your life without the anxiety. You’ll always worry about your kid but you need to detach.

I've never been a meddler when it comes to school. I've never called a teacher or emailed a teacher. I don't find that I need restraint for that because I know they are good students and do just fine and figure things out. The college process though? I have meddled, a ton. There was so much to do that was tough to keep track of, lots of apathy and anxiety at the most crucial time in the fall. So I meddled, I hated every bit of it but in retrospect it was a good thing I did since so much maturing happened by this time of year. So I feel ambivalent about the need to sometimes meddle. The Morocco thing you mention? I'm pretty sure I'd be getting a call asking me to help, and that I would help because physical safety is my #1 worry. If I don't get told something though, I obviously cannot be upset/anxious about it or meddle so sometimes I wish I could be ignorant about things because it's a lot easier than knowing and not helping.

+1. You never stop being family/a parent.
I only contacted a teacher once since MS because my kid tried everything in HS to resolve it and got nowhere so they asked for help. Notice, they attempted to solve it themselves but when that got them nowhere I assisted. Because 14 is too young to just say "oh well you tried now deal with it"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

Why do adult children share their locations? This seems weird.

We started sharing it when we went to Europe for the oldest kids Hs grad gift. And it's never been turned off. We don't stalk, I mainly use it to only call if they are at home, not work or out. It's a safety item just like I share my u er rides with my partner, our kids share u er rides with us or their friends if they are solo

I guess that makes sense, but I don't want to know where my adult kids are!

As far as the OP, I think no news is good news. There isn't anything you can do anyway.

then you don't check their location. We don't meddle, we don't stalk but when we are in Europe/asia/nyc/any large city in USA where we don't live it's nice to know where they are if needed.
On a normal week I might check once for my college kid and rarely for my 26 yo

[Anonymous]

Have you sought therapy for your anxiety? Asking sincerely. I love my kids but I’m not particularly anxious about them.

My mom’s anxiety was so irritating, though. I hope you aren’t constantly asking for reassurance (when will you be home, call when you get there, etc) bc it’s annoying to have to manage another person’s anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps other parents can heed your question as a cautionary tale. The answer is that you build up resilience the same way you build your own child’s independence and responsibility. You slowly learn how to parent like it’s 1992.
If you track your child’s location - stop. start by not tracking them for day to day activities close to home, then stop tracking on weekends unless they miss curfew, then stop all together and ask them to check in when they arrive or when plans change. If you read their messages, stop.

Raise your kids to make good decisions and then trust them. If you say “I trust my kids but what about all the danger in the world I can’t control?” Well, you can’t control it. Worrying will not change that, it only keeps you from enjoying your life.

If knowing your 18 yo is home safely in their dorm/apt on a Sat night at 2am helps you sleep track them. You can track their location/check it and not say anything to your kid if they are still at the frats/out. The issue comes when you are obsessed with it. I only track late at night (kid is female on a campus that borders a bad area and her apt is at edge of that area. So yes I might check late at night to make sure she's home safe. But if she isn't I rarely comment because I usually know where she is.

But I rarely mention anything about it. It's a safety tool for us

I think that's too much information. What if she is at a party and just crashes for the night with a friend instead of going to her dorm? I used to do that. It was safer than walking home in the middle of the night. Or, what if she's with a new boyfriend you don't know about? What would you do with this info? Call her right away? I mean, unless she's in a foreign country inexplicably, what would you do anyway? Of course, I used to travel places in college and didn't tell my parents everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

Why do adult children share their locations? This seems weird.

We started sharing it when we went to Europe for the oldest kids Hs grad gift. And it's never been turned off. We don't stalk, I mainly use it to only call if they are at home, not work or out. It's a safety item just like I share my u er rides with my partner, our kids share u er rides with us or their friends if they are solo

Ugh, I would hate this so, so much. I guess the key is to make sure the reassurance you seek does not annoy the heck out of the person you are asking.

[Anonymous]

Why do adult children share their locations? This seems weird.

Ask all the Life 360 users:

- 83.7 million Global Monthly Active Users
- 45.3 million U.S. Monthly Active Users

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you do it? How do you not worry about them traveling abroad, driving, being safe coming home at night...? I worry already with driving teens but the idea of not knowing about their safety at all upsets me when I think about it.

That isn’t normal and you don’t have to live that way. Therapy and drugs may help you. Look into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps other parents can heed your question as a cautionary tale. The answer is that you build up resilience the same way you build your own child’s independence and responsibility. You slowly learn how to parent like it’s 1992.
If you track your child’s location - stop. start by not tracking them for day to day activities close to home, then stop tracking on weekends unless they miss curfew, then stop all together and ask them to check in when they arrive or when plans change. If you read their messages, stop.

Raise your kids to make good decisions and then trust them. If you say “I trust my kids but what about all the danger in the world I can’t control?” Well, you can’t control it. Worrying will not change that, it only keeps you from enjoying your life.

If knowing your 18 yo is home safely in their dorm/apt on a Sat night at 2am helps you sleep track them. You can track their location/check it and not say anything to your kid if they are still at the frats/out. The issue comes when you are obsessed with it. I only track late at night (kid is female on a campus that borders a bad area and her apt is at edge of that area. So yes I might check late at night to make sure she's home safe. But if she isn't I rarely comment because I usually know where she is.

But I rarely mention anything about it. It's a safety tool for us

I think that's too much information. What if she is at a party and just crashes for the night with a friend instead of going to her dorm? I used to do that. It was safer than walking home in the middle of the night. Or, what if she's with a new boyfriend you don't know about? What would you do with this info? Call her right away? I mean, unless she's in a foreign country inexplicably, what would you do anyway? Of course, I used to travel places in college and didn't tell my parents everything.

I'd do nothing with the information. She happily shares location with us. And I check at most once a week, many times it's less than that.


I also see her credit card bills, because I pay them. So yes, I also asked her once, why are you taking Ubers when you have your car? And I learned it's because some bars allow underaged kids, so they pre-party/drink at home and uber there. I was just curious why she was Ubering. Happy to pay for it all, but since I'm also paying for a car, I was curious why

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

Why do adult children share their locations? This seems weird.

We started sharing it when we went to Europe for the oldest kids Hs grad gift. And it's never been turned off. We don't stalk, I mainly use it to only call if they are at home, not work or out. It's a safety item just like I share my u er rides with my partner, our kids share u er rides with us or their friends if they are solo

Ugh, I would hate this so, so much. I guess the key is to make sure the reassurance you seek does not annoy the heck out of the person you are asking.

You don't share your solo uber rides with a friend/loved one at 10pm from the airport or to a hotel in a new city? Most people I know do that, my husband does that. Simple safety

Most kids do not care, they track 100+ other friends and have that many tracking them.

Now my kids would care if I was constantly asking them about where are they, what were they doing, etc. But I rarely do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps other parents can heed your question as a cautionary tale. The answer is that you build up resilience the same way you build your own child’s independence and responsibility. You slowly learn how to parent like it’s 1992.
If you track your child’s location - stop. start by not tracking them for day to day activities close to home, then stop tracking on weekends unless they miss curfew, then stop all together and ask them to check in when they arrive or when plans change. If you read their messages, stop.

Raise your kids to make good decisions and then trust them. If you say “I trust my kids but what about all the danger in the world I can’t control?” Well, you can’t control it. Worrying will not change that, it only keeps you from enjoying your life.

If knowing your 18 yo is home safely in their dorm/apt on a Sat night at 2am helps you sleep track them. You can track their location/check it and not say anything to your kid if they are still at the frats/out. The issue comes when you are obsessed with it. I only track late at night (kid is female on a campus that borders a bad area and her apt is at edge of that area. So yes I might check late at night to make sure she's home safe. But if she isn't I rarely comment because I usually know where she is.

But I rarely mention anything about it. It's a safety tool for us

I think that's too much information. What if she is at a party and just crashes for the night with a friend instead of going to her dorm? I used to do that. It was safer than walking home in the middle of the night. Or, what if she's with a new boyfriend you don't know about? What would you do with this info? Call her right away? I mean, unless she's in a foreign country inexplicably, what would you do anyway? Of course, I used to travel places in college and didn't tell my parents everything.

+1

But I have never used location trackers for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

Why do adult children share their locations? This seems weird.

We started sharing it when we went to Europe for the oldest kids Hs grad gift. And it's never been turned off. We don't stalk, I mainly use it to only call if they are at home, not work or out. It's a safety item just like I share my u er rides with my partner, our kids share u er rides with us or their friends if they are solo

I guess that makes sense, but I don't want to know where my adult kids are!

As far as the OP, I think no news is good news. There isn't anything you can do anyway.

Just understand this all comes full circle.

When your kids are 50 they will want your location because they will wonder why 80 year old mom is randomly in Kansas when you live in DC.

Not that extreme, but a parent with dementia can start doing odd things.