“Beta” dad- teen doesn’t respect him

[Anonymous]

DH is a solidly nice guy. Works hard, loves us, involved dad, good spouse. But he’s a solid “beta” type guy. I hate that term but it fits here. DH would agree and just shrug-he doesn’t care and tends to avoid men who are super arrogant, ego driven types.
DH is also quiet and the classic permissive parent. I’m the enforcer. DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.
All this is apparent to our 15 year old son. Who is really smart and savvy. He runs circles around DH & basically ignores him. I’ve tried to get DH to give consequences but he just gets upset & yells. Like, if you tell the kid to take the trash out and they keep stonewalling or blowing you off you can’t take it out for them! And you need to give them a consequence! He’s teaching the kids to disrespect & basically ignores his authority.
It’s at the point where my DS, who is a solidly good kid, came to me upset, saying he basically doesn’t respect DH, that he thinks DH is a “big dope”.
How to help DH??! When I try to talk to him he gets pissed at me and defensive.

[Anonymous]

Fundamentally this is a problem of DH being a grown adult. You complaining about it is by definition not going to help or solve the problem

[Anonymous]

I mean, your husband is not going to change, and based on your description of him, your son is factually accurate here.

What you can shape is your son’s attitude. His father is still his father and that innately accords him politeness and kindness. In fact he should treat all people with kindness and politeness. Disrespect = consequences (yes, which you will have to enforce).

It all sounds annoying. I can’t with parents who don’t parent (men and women). Best of luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you do anything. This is between your son and DH. It sounds like they are just totally different people. I suppose you could start enforcing what your DH asked of your son, but I wouldn't. I don't think it would help your son respect his dad more in the least.

[Anonymous]

“ DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.”

It sounds like one day your son is going to FAFO, and that sounds like it will be for the best. You call it “beta,” but as an adult, your son might refer to it as “a well of undeserved patience.”

Unless your DH is asking for guidance or is mistreating your son, I would back off and let them find their own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a solidly nice guy. Works hard, loves us, involved dad, good spouse. But he’s a solid “beta” type guy. I hate that term but it fits here. DH would agree and just shrug-he doesn’t care and tends to avoid men who are super arrogant, ego driven types.
DH is also quiet and the classic permissive parent. I’m the enforcer. DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.
All this is apparent to our 15 year old son. Who is really smart and savvy. He runs circles around DH & basically ignores him. I’ve tried to get DH to give consequences but he just gets upset & yells. Like, if you tell the kid to take the trash out and they keep stonewalling or blowing you off you can’t take it out for them! And you need to give them a consequence! He’s teaching the kids to disrespect & basically ignores his authority.
It’s at the point where my DS, who is a solidly good kid, came to me upset, saying he basically doesn’t respect DH, that he thinks DH is a “big dope”.
How to help DH??! When I try to talk to him he gets pissed at me and defensive.

What did you say to your son in response? This was a huge opportunity to build your DH up and praise all the things you admire in him. You can also gently point out to your son that his disdain for his dad is a sign of teenage immaturity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“ DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.”

It sounds like one day your son is going to FAFO, and that sounds like it will be for the best. You call it “beta,” but as an adult, your son might refer to it as “a well of undeserved patience.”

Unless your DH is asking for guidance or is mistreating your son, I would back off and let them find their own way.

What do you mean gives them what they want? Is he not parenting with appropriate boundaries and lets you handle that part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.”

It sounds like one day your son is going to FAFO, and that sounds like it will be for the best. You call it “beta,” but as an adult, your son might refer to it as “a well of undeserved patience.”

Unless your DH is asking for guidance or is mistreating your son, I would back off and let them find their own way.

What do you mean gives them what they want? Is he not parenting with appropriate boundaries and lets you handle that part?

I pretty much handle all the boundaries. Screen time, healthy food, homework time, etc. I hold the line on everything. For example on days when I’m not home, like a Saturday where I’m out at errands, the kids eat take out and sit on their screens for 8 hours. DH loves them & would happily play with them or take them somewhere but they want screens so he just shrugs his shoulders and lets them.
DH will get them off if I tell him to, but otherwise he’s just checked out since they’re happy. I get upset because I explain to him that we’re the parents and have to ensure they’re living in a healthy way, even if it’s not fun for us, but he just can’t seem to enforce anything. It’s not that he’s lazy or checked out! It’s truly that he wants to make them happy! It’s so frustrating.

DS has seen these convos play out, which is a mistake on my part, so that’s probably partially why he doesn’t respect DH. DS knows I don’t respect DH’s parenting.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I don’t think the issue is that your DS lacks respect for his father. The issue is you do, and it comes through loud and clear in your posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.”

It sounds like one day your son is going to FAFO, and that sounds like it will be for the best. You call it “beta,” but as an adult, your son might refer to it as “a well of undeserved patience.”

Unless your DH is asking for guidance or is mistreating your son, I would back off and let them find their own way.

What do you mean gives them what they want? Is he not parenting with appropriate boundaries and lets you handle that part?

I pretty much handle all the boundaries. Screen time, healthy food, homework time, etc. I hold the line on everything. For example on days when I’m not home, like a Saturday where I’m out at errands, the kids eat take out and sit on their screens for 8 hours. DH loves them & would happily play with them or take them somewhere but they want screens so he just shrugs his shoulders and lets them.
DH will get them off if I tell him to, but otherwise he’s just checked out since they’re happy. I get upset because I explain to him that we’re the parents and have to ensure they’re living in a healthy way, even if it’s not fun for us, but he just can’t seem to enforce anything. It’s not that he’s lazy or checked out! It’s truly that he wants to make them happy! It’s so frustrating.

DS has seen these convos play out, which is a mistake on my part, so that’s probably partially why he doesn’t respect DH. DS knows I don’t respect DH’s parenting.

So you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

So your kids don't even get an occasional Saturday just to chill out?

[Anonymous]

If my kids disrespect me in front of their father he would call them out, and vice versa. He’s not a solidly good kid if he’s ignoring his dad’s instruction to take out the trash.

I agree with a pp—maybe you are annoyed by your beta dh and your ds has picked up on this. Maybe you need to change your attitude.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Yeah. I’m part of the problem. I am tired of feeling like the only parent. Parenting can be hard. Staying consistent with boundaries & expectations is hard. It’s a lot easier to just buy the thing, give them what they want, do the chore for them. I am resentful and need to address it with DH.

Classic example: DH buys DS a special dress shirt he needs for a concert. It’s expensive. It arrives and DS, being a typical teen, finds something wrong with it and complains. DH immediately jumps online and buys a $100 shirt from somewhere else. It teaches DS to be an entitled jerk. I have to gently say, “hey guys, he’s only going to wear this shirt one time. Let’s try it on first..etc”

It’s stuff like this all the time. It’s making the kids demanding and rude. If they complain or demand, they get what they want. It’s ok sometimes to have to eat something you don’t like or wear something that isn’t your favorite or say a fake thank you because it’s polite. You can’t always get what you want.

So yeah. It’s me. I’m frustrated w/DH. DS picks up on it and agrees.

[Anonymous]

I hate to break it to you, but “alpha males” are not known for their parenting skills. They are usually workaholics who don’t know what grade their child is in and spend their little free time on the golf course. In fact most fathers don’t enforce most mothers’ rules about food and screen time. You don’t need to bring his masculinity into it. Just set your house rules together and be a little flexible about the fact that often parents have different styles.

Your child not respecting his father is the bigger problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a solidly nice guy. Works hard, loves us, involved dad, good spouse. But he’s a solid “beta” type guy. I hate that term but it fits here. DH would agree and just shrug-he doesn’t care and tends to avoid men who are super arrogant, ego driven types.
DH is also quiet and the classic permissive parent. I’m the enforcer. DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.
All this is apparent to our 15 year old son. Who is really smart and savvy. He runs circles around DH & basically ignores him. I’ve tried to get DH to give consequences but he just gets upset & yells. Like, if you tell the kid to take the trash out and they keep stonewalling or blowing you off you can’t take it out for them! And you need to give them a consequence! He’s teaching the kids to disrespect & basically ignores his authority.
It’s at the point where my DS, who is a solidly good kid, came to me upset, saying he basically doesn’t respect DH, that he thinks DH is a “big dope”.
How to help DH??! When I try to talk to him he gets pissed at me and defensive.

Sounds like he is. Not much to done about it at this point. You married a beta.