“Beta” dad- teen doesn’t respect him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fundamentally this is a problem of DH being a grown adult. You complaining about it is by definition not going to help or solve the problem

This.
Let your husband figure out how to navigate his relationship with his son.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you may be mistaking patience for betaness, as you put it. It is anything but. A weaker man would get angry and show it. Someday your kid will figure it out. You might not though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a likely troll or a disordered mom egging on antisocial behavior in kid for her own sick reasons.

When DH divorces you, DS will want to live with him.

NP.



I can relate to what OP is describing.

To the PP: did it ever occur to you that you’re living in a bubble of make-believe?

You can disagree with the whole “alpha-male / beta male” phenomenon in American culture in 2025.

But you cannot simply wish-it out of existence.

No teen boy wants MORE consequences from dad, Ms. Gullible!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t think the issue is that your DS lacks respect for his father. The issue is you do, and it comes through loud and clear in your posts.

I definitely wouldn’t let my teen call DH a big dope. OP you created more problems by not having DH’s back. I worked be upset if my DH didn’t defend me with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Tell him some of the things DH makes you do in bed. He'll probably respect DH more then, and also he'll STFU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a solidly nice guy. Works hard, loves us, involved dad, good spouse. But he’s a solid “beta” type guy. I hate that term but it fits here. DH would agree and just shrug-he doesn’t care and tends to avoid men who are super arrogant, ego driven types.
DH is also quiet and the classic permissive parent. I’m the enforcer. DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.
All this is apparent to our 15 year old son. Who is really smart and savvy. He runs circles around DH & basically ignores him. I’ve tried to get DH to give consequences but he just gets upset & yells. Like, if you tell the kid to take the trash out and they keep stonewalling or blowing you off you can’t take it out for them! And you need to give them a consequence! He’s teaching the kids to disrespect & basically ignores his authority.
It’s at the point where my DS, who is a solidly good kid, came to me upset, saying he basically doesn’t respect DH, that he thinks DH is a “big dope”.
How to help DH??! When I try to talk to him he gets pissed at me and defensive.

The character “Johnny” from Hotel Transylvania 2, sounds a lot like your description of your husband: passive, happy-go-lucky, submissive, etc. both are classic beta males.

[Anonymous]

Problem is you. You don't respect your husband. The title says it all. Even if you put it in quotes, these are your own words you speak in your head. Do you feel superior to you husband in that your son comes to you to tell you that he doesn't respect your spouse? I'd come down so hard on the kid if he said this to me about my life partner. Your kid isn't "solidly" a good kid. Clearly he's manipulative. He probably is pretty awful at school too. I dare say he's likely a bully. Start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem is you. You don't respect your husband. The title says it all. Even if you put it in quotes, these are your own words you speak in your head. Do you feel superior to you husband in that your son comes to you to tell you that he doesn't respect your spouse? I'd come down so hard on the kid if he said this to me about my life partner. Your kid isn't "solidly" a good kid. Clearly he's manipulative. He probably is pretty awful at school too. I dare say he's likely a bully. Start there.

I agree with this. I’m wondering how OP would react if the roles were reversed and the son would insult her in front of the dad and he wouldn’t have her back.

From what the kid said he doesn’t look like a good one, fits the profile of a bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.”

It sounds like one day your son is going to FAFO, and that sounds like it will be for the best. You call it “beta,” but as an adult, your son might refer to it as “a well of undeserved patience.”

Unless your DH is asking for guidance or is mistreating your son, I would back off and let them find their own way.

What do you mean gives them what they want? Is he not parenting with appropriate boundaries and lets you handle that part?

I pretty much handle all the boundaries. Screen time, healthy food, homework time, etc. I hold the line on everything. For example on days when I’m not home, like a Saturday where I’m out at errands, the kids eat take out and sit on their screens for 8 hours. DH loves them & would happily play with them or take them somewhere but they want screens so he just shrugs his shoulders and lets them.
DH will get them off if I tell him to, but otherwise he’s just checked out since they’re happy. I get upset because I explain to him that we’re the parents and have to ensure they’re living in a healthy way, even if it’s not fun for us, but he just can’t seem to enforce anything. It’s not that he’s lazy or checked out! It’s truly that he wants to make them happy! It’s so frustrating.

DS has seen these convos play out, which is a mistake on my part, so that’s probably partially why he doesn’t respect DH. DS knows I don’t respect DH’s parenting.

You do not actually know what boundaries are, and as a result you are failing to observe some of the most important boundaries. Gobstoppingly terrible role modeling for your kid here—by you as well as your DH.

Clean up your own mess first. You might regain some credibility that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem is you. You don't respect your husband. The title says it all. Even if you put it in quotes, these are your own words you speak in your head. Do you feel superior to you husband in that your son comes to you to tell you that he doesn't respect your spouse? I'd come down so hard on the kid if he said this to me about my life partner. Your kid isn't "solidly" a good kid. Clearly he's manipulative. He probably is pretty awful at school too. I dare say he's likely a bully. Start there.

NP.

DMV working moms typically do not respect their husbands. This is common around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem is you. You don't respect your husband. The title says it all. Even if you put it in quotes, these are your own words you speak in your head. Do you feel superior to you husband in that your son comes to you to tell you that he doesn't respect your spouse? I'd come down so hard on the kid if he said this to me about my life partner. Your kid isn't "solidly" a good kid. Clearly he's manipulative. He probably is pretty awful at school too. I dare say he's likely a bully. Start there.

I agree with this. I’m wondering how OP would react if the roles were reversed and the son would insult her in front of the dad and he wouldn’t have her back.

From what the kid said he doesn’t look like a good one, fits the profile of a bully.

+1. Maybe your husband is weak but your kid sounds like a jerk. And if you’re leaving your kid for 8 hours on a Saturday with the knowledge that they’ll be on screens all day, that’s on you too as a parent. It’s easy to set up screen time controls on devices.