“Beta” dad- teen doesn’t respect him

[Anonymous]

DS is a teenager. If your husband were a hardass, he’d just be complaining about DH being too strict, militant, etc.

Making your DH the problem here says a lot about you and your internalization of toxic masculinity. Why adopt the “beta” framework if you don’t like it? Why not try some critical thinking here?

By saying DS is a “solidly good kid” while DH is a beta, you’re missing an opportunity to teach your kid about respecting everyone, about how men can have feelings too, about how masculinity doesn’t mean forcing your will on others, about how to take responsibility for your own behavior.

You’re in dangerous waters and you don’t seem to realize you’ve gotten wet. Turn back before you teach your kid to be a jerk of an “alpha.”

[Anonymous]

So you came home and immediately rejected his decision and interposed his own? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with going with the cheaper option, but it also could be a place he wanted to splurge- rather than discussing you interjected why your husband’s decision was wrong. What would your hypothetical alpha male do when faced with this type of disrespect; in front of the kids, no less, and is that the guy you want?

Don’t make the mistake of thinking this alpha guy will operate on your agenda; they are generally jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a solidly nice guy. Works hard, loves us, involved dad, good spouse. But he’s a solid “beta” type guy. I hate that term but it fits here. DH would agree and just shrug-he doesn’t care and tends to avoid men who are super arrogant, ego driven types.
DH is also quiet and the classic permissive parent. I’m the enforcer. DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.
All this is apparent to our 15 year old son. Who is really smart and savvy. He runs circles around DH & basically ignores him. I’ve tried to get DH to give consequences but he just gets upset & yells. Like, if you tell the kid to take the trash out and they keep stonewalling or blowing you off you can’t take it out for them! And you need to give them a consequence! He’s teaching the kids to disrespect & basically ignores his authority.
It’s at the point where my DS, who is a solidly good kid, came to me upset, saying he basically doesn’t respect DH, that he thinks DH is a “big dope”.
How to help DH??! When I try to talk to him he gets pissed at me and defensive.

If he's a wimp, then you must have known that when you married him and that there is no changing a person's personality. It was developed when he was a kid/teen.

[Anonymous]

Like, if you tell the kid to take the trash out and they keep stonewalling or blowing you off you can’t take it out for them! And you need to give them a consequence! He’s teaching the kids to disrespect & basically ignores his authority.
It’s at the point where my DS, who is a solidly good kid, came to me upset, saying he basically doesn’t respect DH, that he thinks DH is a “big dope”.

I actually don’t think your son Is a good kid. Good kids are respectful to their parents and your is not. And I think you need to own your part - sounds like you’re starting to understand you have responsibility for this dynamic too.

If this happened in my family. And it does on occasion in most, the other parent would step in.

And it sounds like you’ve taken over parenting and leave your DH a few morsels to take care of and then criticize or intervene and do something different. I’d hate to parent with someone who does this.

Final thought is this. In a marriage there are a lot of things to take care of. You don’t think your husband does enough parenting (but you undermine maker he does). But I bet there’s a list of things where you don’t do your share.

[Anonymous]

You are exhausting. If your kid needs a consequence just give it. Try to get them to do 1-1 things together to build their relationship. Out to dinner, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t think the issue is that your DS lacks respect for his father. The issue is you do, and it comes through loud and clear in your posts.

+ 1.

How do you expect your kid to respect his dad when you don't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t think the issue is that your DS lacks respect for his father. The issue is you do, and it comes through loud and clear in your posts.

+ 1.

How do you expect your kid to respect his dad when you don't?

+2

OP is a big part of the problem and kids picked up on that. I bet even if the dad wanted to discipline the kids she would sabotage or just block it.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea what you're talking about. Beta dad? Oh, lord.

[Anonymous]

Kid is picking up this attitude from YOU, OP. Your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a solidly nice guy. Works hard, loves us, involved dad, good spouse. But he’s a solid “beta” type guy. I hate that term but it fits here. DH would agree and just shrug-he doesn’t care and tends to avoid men who are super arrogant, ego driven types.
DH is also quiet and the classic permissive parent. I’m the enforcer. DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.
All this is apparent to our 15 year old son. Who is really smart and savvy. He runs circles around DH & basically ignores him. I’ve tried to get DH to give consequences but he just gets upset & yells. Like, if you tell the kid to take the trash out and they keep stonewalling or blowing you off you can’t take it out for them! And you need to give them a consequence! He’s teaching the kids to disrespect & basically ignores his authority.
It’s at the point where my DS, who is a solidly good kid, came to me upset, saying he basically doesn’t respect DH, that he thinks DH is a “big dope”.
How to help DH??! When I try to talk to him he gets pissed at me and defensive.

Why would you be ok with the son calling his dad a “big dope” in front of you without correcting it and setting up some boundaries. That’s not a “solid good kid”, that’s an entitled brat disrespecting the very parent that puts food on the table and a roof over their heads.

[Anonymous]

He is a loving, caring, patient, tolerant, "Dopey Dad".

One day your son will love him for it.

You need to remind him of that, but also remember that a teen's job is to push boundaries and find fault with their parents.

My husband is a type A, aggressive, know-it-all sort of person, and our teen and young adult STILL find plenty to criticize!

[Anonymous]

You say he’s not lazy, OP, but he does sound lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yeah. I’m part of the problem. I am tired of feeling like the only parent. Parenting can be hard. Staying consistent with boundaries & expectations is hard. It’s a lot easier to just buy the thing, give them what they want, do the chore for them. I am resentful and need to address it with DH.

Classic example: DH buys DS a special dress shirt he needs for a concert. It’s expensive. It arrives and DS, being a typical teen, finds something wrong with it and complains. DH immediately jumps online and buys a $100 shirt from somewhere else. It teaches DS to be an entitled jerk. I have to gently say, “hey guys, he’s only going to wear this shirt one time. Let’s try it on first..etc”

It’s stuff like this all the time. It’s making the kids demanding and rude. If they complain or demand, they get what they want. It’s ok sometimes to have to eat something you don’t like or wear something that isn’t your favorite or say a fake thank you because it’s polite. You can’t always get what you want.

So yeah. It’s me. I’m frustrated w/DH. DS picks up on it and agrees.

It sounds like you don’t let your husband parent than complain you’re the only one parenting.

I’m sure an adult can figure out how to return a shirt and is perfectly capable of shopping online. He can spend $100 on his child if he wishes to without you looking over his shoulder. I don’t believe for a second you said it “gently”.

You being demanding and rude makes the kids demanding and rude, not your husband. What an entitled Karen! I feel bad for your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

Your son is a piece of s***. Why did you raise him that way?

[Anonymous]

I hope DH finds a nice AP.