“Beta” dad- teen doesn’t respect him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to break it to you, but “alpha males” are not known for their parenting skills. They are usually workaholics who don’t know what grade their child is in and spend their little free time on the golf course. In fact most fathers don’t enforce most mothers’ rules about food and screen time. You don’t need to bring his masculinity into it. Just set your house rules together and be a little flexible about the fact that often parents have different styles.

Your child not respecting his father is the bigger problem.

Maybe OP would be happier if her husband beat her every night, but only when he's sober, and raped his coworkers, like a real Alpha Man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to break it to you, but “alpha males” are not known for their parenting skills. They are usually workaholics who don’t know what grade their child is in and spend their little free time on the golf course. In fact most fathers don’t enforce most mothers’ rules about food and screen time. You don’t need to bring his masculinity into it. Just set your house rules together and be a little flexible about the fact that often parents have different styles.

Your child not respecting his father is the bigger problem.

Maybe OP would be happier if her husband beat her every night, but only when he's sober, and raped his coworkers, like a real Alpha Man.

Ouch. Not wrong though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope DH finds a nice AP.

Lol

[Anonymous]

You tell your kid he doesn’t speak like that about the man that puts food in his mouth and a roof over his head and if you hear that kind of disrespect come out of his mouth again there is going to be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope DH finds a nice AP.

The way OP talks about her husband, and the way she got the kids to treat him, chances are she already has someone on the side. She’s just trying to rationale it, she’s doing it cause he’s “beta”.

Too bad for the husband, she doesn’t deserve any of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say he’s not lazy, OP, but he does sound lazy.

OP sounds like a standard b i atch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a solidly nice guy. Works hard, loves us, involved dad, good spouse. But he’s a solid “beta” type guy. I hate that term but it fits here. DH would agree and just shrug-he doesn’t care and tends to avoid men who are super arrogant, ego driven types.
DH is also quiet and the classic permissive parent. I’m the enforcer. DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.
All this is apparent to our 15 year old son. Who is really smart and savvy. He runs circles around DH & basically ignores him. I’ve tried to get DH to give consequences but he just gets upset & yells. Like, if you tell the kid to take the trash out and they keep stonewalling or blowing you off you can’t take it out for them! And you need to give them a consequence! He’s teaching the kids to disrespect & basically ignores his authority.
It’s at the point where my DS, who is a solidly good kid, came to me upset, saying he basically doesn’t respect DH, that he thinks DH is a “big dope”.
How to help DH??! When I try to talk to him he gets pissed at me and defensive.

Oh no, your kid came to you “upset” because he doesn’t respect his dad and he thinks he is a “big dope”!

Your son is not smart and savvy, he’s a disrespectful privileged brat. He’s “running circles around your husband”? Nope, he just has no boundaries and no responsibilities.

An entitled Karen raised an entitled jerk! Not surprising the husband blows up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a solidly nice guy. Works hard, loves us, involved dad, good spouse. But he’s a solid “beta” type guy. I hate that term but it fits here. DH would agree and just shrug-he doesn’t care and tends to avoid men who are super arrogant, ego driven types.
DH is also quiet and the classic permissive parent. I’m the enforcer. DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.
All this is apparent to our 15 year old son. Who is really smart and savvy. He runs circles around DH & basically ignores him. I’ve tried to get DH to give consequences but he just gets upset & yells. Like, if you tell the kid to take the trash out and they keep stonewalling or blowing you off you can’t take it out for them! And you need to give them a consequence! He’s teaching the kids to disrespect & basically ignores his authority.
It’s at the point where my DS, who is a solidly good kid, came to me upset, saying he basically doesn’t respect DH, that he thinks DH is a “big dope”.
How to help DH??! When I try to talk to him he gets pissed at me and defensive.

Wow, you’ve gotten some bad advice here. “Just two different people “. When will people learn that teenagers are not tiny adults?

Your son is 15. No matter how smart or savvy, he has a developing brain and one that is wired for risk, and perceived infallibility & invincibility. This coincides with the current stage for pushing away from parents as he seeks to find his own identity (which btw is definitely not defined yet). Totally normal. He’s also testing boundaries - also normal - and they are apparently pretty permeable with DH. Primarily, the son needs to learn to be respectful. Period. Your parent asks you to do something? Do it. You are part of this family? Contribute. Part of this yes is your DH stepping up and enforcing consequences when this doesn’t happen, but don’t make this primarily a DH personality flaw issue. You both as parents are responsible for teaching your kid not to be an a$$h0le while giving some space and grace for his developmental stage. If DH struggles here, support him.

Finally, your labeling of DH as “beta” offers some telling insight. I’d look at myself and see how I may be contributing to how my son views his father, and how am I modeling for my son how to treat his father. I strongly suspect that is a big piece of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t think the issue is that your DS lacks respect for his father. The issue is you do, and it comes through loud and clear in your posts.

This. You sound like the prototypical high achieving controlling wife who married a supportive guy who lets her. “DC knows I don’t respect DH’s parenting,” well it sounds like you are more passive aggressive than you think and are unconsciously recruiting DS as an ally in your contempt for DH.

[Anonymous]

Your kid(s) kind of sound like entitled brats. I mean, the common denominator here is you…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t think the issue is that your DS lacks respect for his father. The issue is you do, and it comes through loud and clear in your posts.

This. You sound like the prototypical high achieving controlling wife who married a supportive guy who lets her. “DC knows I don’t respect DH’s parenting,” well it sounds like you are more passive aggressive than you think and are unconsciously recruiting DS as an ally in your contempt for DH.

We don’t know the wife is high achieving. She might as well be the stay at home mom, criticizing the parenting of the husband coming tired from work that doesn’t want to deal with his family’s antics. Agree 100% with the rest. OP doesn’t respect her husband, kids pick up on that.

Astonishing how these people exist and expect some sort of approval and validation cloaked in asking for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to break it to you, but “alpha males” are not known for their parenting skills. They are usually workaholics who don’t know what grade their child is in and spend their little free time on the golf course. In fact most fathers don’t enforce most mothers’ rules about food and screen time. You don’t need to bring his masculinity into it. Just set your house rules together and be a little flexible about the fact that often parents have different styles.

Your child not respecting his father is the bigger problem.

NP. But in this case, the beta male isn’t parenting either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.”

It sounds like one day your son is going to FAFO, and that sounds like it will be for the best. You call it “beta,” but as an adult, your son might refer to it as “a well of undeserved patience.”

Unless your DH is asking for guidance or is mistreating your son, I would back off and let them find their own way.

What do you mean gives them what they want? Is he not parenting with appropriate boundaries and lets you handle that part?

I pretty much handle all the boundaries. Screen time, healthy food, homework time, etc. I hold the line on everything. For example on days when I’m not home, like a Saturday where I’m out at errands, the kids eat take out and sit on their screens for 8 hours. DH loves them & would happily play with them or take them somewhere but they want screens so he just shrugs his shoulders and lets them.
DH will get them off if I tell him to, but otherwise he’s just checked out since they’re happy. I get upset because I explain to him that we’re the parents and have to ensure they’re living in a healthy way, even if it’s not fun for us, but he just can’t seem to enforce anything. It’s not that he’s lazy or checked out! It’s truly that he wants to make them happy! It’s so frustrating.

DS has seen these convos play out, which is a mistake on my part, so that’s probably partially why he doesn’t respect DH. DS knows I don’t respect DH’s parenting.

Help me out: What’s wrong with a lot of screen time and takeout?

Explain it to me like I am five.

[Anonymous]

I agree the son sounds entitled but I am surprised at the number of people defending the DH. At a minimum his behavior sounds so unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ DH pretty much gives the kids want they want, does what they want but eventually if he feels they’re disrespectful he loses it.”

It sounds like one day your son is going to FAFO, and that sounds like it will be for the best. You call it “beta,” but as an adult, your son might refer to it as “a well of undeserved patience.”

Unless your DH is asking for guidance or is mistreating your son, I would back off and let them find their own way.

What do you mean gives them what they want? Is he not parenting with appropriate boundaries and lets you handle that part?

I pretty much handle all the boundaries. Screen time, healthy food, homework time, etc. I hold the line on everything. For example on days when I’m not home, like a Saturday where I’m out at errands, the kids eat take out and sit on their screens for 8 hours. DH loves them & would happily play with them or take them somewhere but they want screens so he just shrugs his shoulders and lets them.
DH will get them off if I tell him to, but otherwise he’s just checked out since they’re happy. I get upset because I explain to him that we’re the parents and have to ensure they’re living in a healthy way, even if it’s not fun for us, but he just can’t seem to enforce anything. It’s not that he’s lazy or checked out! It’s truly that he wants to make them happy! It’s so frustrating.

DS has seen these convos play out, which is a mistake on my part, so that’s probably partially why he doesn’t respect DH. DS knows I don’t respect DH’s parenting.

So you are the problem.

Did we read the same thing? She is not the problem...