Do any parents out there know their kids are the mean ones?

[Anonymous]

I'm so curious about this. Do we all think our kids are kind and, if anything, more likely to be on the receiving end of either bullying or unkind behavior/exclusion? We all know there are mean kids everywhere, but do any parents recognize when it's their own kid? And if so, how do they respond? Or do they simply identify their kids as popular and having a lot of friends and leave it at that?

[Anonymous]

Oh no, I was well aware that DD was the mean one in 7th grade - we were on the receiving end of her diatribes at home as well. It took a couple of years to get her to calm down. Now she knows there's a time and place to use biting sarcasm, and that her classmates shouldn't bear that burden.

Still does it to us, though.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like "popular and having a lot of friends" means you are talking about kids who present well but are intentionally cruel.

I don't have a kid like that, but I have one who when under stress - including things that absolutely should not stress said kid out - will lash out and be something of a jerk. Yes, we know. And yes, we work on it.

[Anonymous]

My kid, who is also super sarcastic and a bit of a moody loner, is stereotyped by other children as the likely next school shooter. Kids joke about it. They reported him to the counselors, etc.

He is a bit non-conformist and verbally mean. Other kids that think they are sweet, and wonderful, and caring have actually been sabotaging little jerks.

He is usually cheerful at home and we have no risk factors. He hated middle school but high school is much better because there is finally lots of tracking for the brighter and harder working students.

So I'm aware that people feel that my kid is the mean kid but I know for sure that it's not all his personality.

I used to tell people just to leave him alone. No counseling, no jollying, no calling on, no rearranging seats. Just let the bear rest in his cage (school) and there will be no verbal paw swipes.

It's been funny to me to see the outcomes of the "nice
kids" who caused my son problems. They have lost popularity in high school. And one came to realize he falsely overstated my son's issues and caused him real problems. That kid expressed guilt. Good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid, who is also super sarcastic and a bit of a moody loner, is stereotyped by other children as the likely next school shooter. Kids joke about it. They reported him to the counselors, etc.

He is a bit non-conformist and verbally mean. Other kids that think they are sweet, and wonderful, and caring have actually been sabotaging little jerks.

He is usually cheerful at home and we have no risk factors. He hated middle school but high school is much better because there is finally lots of tracking for the brighter and harder working students.

So I'm aware that people feel that my kid is the mean kid but I know for sure that it's not all his personality.

I used to tell people just to leave him alone. No counseling, no jollying, no calling on, no rearranging seats. Just let the bear rest in his cage (school) and there will be no verbal paw swipes.

It's been funny to me to see the outcomes of the "nice
kids" who caused my son problems. They have lost popularity in high school. And one came to realize he falsely overstated my son's issues and caused him real problems. That kid expressed guilt. Good.

Uh, wow. A lot to unpack here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid, who is also super sarcastic and a bit of a moody loner, is stereotyped by other children as the likely next school shooter. Kids joke about it. They reported him to the counselors, etc.

He is a bit non-conformist and verbally mean. Other kids that think they are sweet, and wonderful, and caring have actually been sabotaging little jerks.

He is usually cheerful at home and we have no risk factors. He hated middle school but high school is much better because there is finally lots of tracking for the brighter and harder working students.

So I'm aware that people feel that my kid is the mean kid but I know for sure that it's not all his personality.

I used to tell people just to leave him alone. No counseling, no jollying, no calling on, no rearranging seats. Just let the bear rest in his cage (school) and there will be no verbal paw swipes.

It's been funny to me to see the outcomes of the "nice
kids" who caused my son problems. They have lost popularity in high school. And one came to realize he falsely overstated my son's issues and caused him real problems. That kid expressed guilt. Good.

You really need to get your child evaluated. His profile is not normal, but it doesn't mean he's the next school shooter. You recognize that there could be a millions issues that could be treated between "normal" and "school shooter"?

My guess, just from your description, is that he's autistic and therefore asocial with anxiety. My son has autism, I am well aware of the more classic traits of autism. And no, not every autistic kid becomes a shooter. But you might want to do something to help him before it gets worse. He's not going to network professionally, or get married and have a family, with his current traits. He needs support. There are social skills groups he could try and meds for anxiety (or meds for inattentive ADHD if he also has that), there's cognitive behavioral therapy or ABA if he's younger, to help him gauge what kind of proportional response he should give in social situations... lots of science-based approaches that have proved helpful to such profiles over the years.

[Anonymous]

I have a younger sibling girl who I can see that she can have mean tendencies. I talk to her about it a lot and did since she was young and we hold her accountable at home. She can be verbally mean and sometimes use humor in a way that isn't kind. She is definitely more of an alpha personality than her older sibling. Some of it is birth order I think. The younger siblings are often just tougher than the first kid too.

A lot of social pecking order in middle school is kids are afraid of the kids who are willing to go the furthest in terms of meanness and so these kids can temporarily achieve some type of "popularity" which is really just a weird kind of power that is toxic. Most kids know better and it's not their natural personality to be over the top mean. They might stand there and not object. But they know it's wrong. But they don't want the really mean kids to turn on them and be on the receiving end.

By high school, the kids do a better job of shutting down the really mean kids. I think peer feedback and strife is what really gets a kid in check more than what parents say or do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so curious about this. Do we all think our kids are kind and, if anything, more likely to be on the receiving end of either bullying or unkind behavior/exclusion? We all know there are mean kids everywhere, but do any parents recognize when it's their own kid? And if so, how do they respond? Or do they simply identify their kids as popular and having a lot of friends and leave it at that?

All popular kids with a lot of friends are not mean. There are mean kids who are not popular and don't have a lot of friends. Just throwing that out there.

[Anonymous]

A lot of kids are sometimes mean, usually unintentionally or as a side effect of their own difficulty in learning how to be a functional human being. I know I was, and I cringe remembering it and wish I had had more (any) guidance in my social life in MS and HS.

[Anonymous]

I know my 9 yr old niece is.

[Anonymous]

One now AC DD was a mean girl in middle school, although not to the extent of like bullying to suicide or anything like that. But definitely exclusive and unkind. The worst of it lasted a year. There wasn't very much I could do to actively intervene other than trying to set up as much contact with positive influences as I could. Fortunately it was a phase and not reflective of who she would become.

[Anonymous]

No, probably not. Kids with better language, social and manipulation skills will most often be given the benefit of the doubt.
I think parents truly don't know- their kids are "nice" but no kid is nice all the time.

[Anonymous]

No. I do believe my child is kind, but I also appreciate that she has the balance of smarts, charm, impulsivity, and love of drama that would easily make her a queen bee type mean girl. So if I hear there's drama going on, I assume she could be behind it and I ask her about it. She likes to stir the pot at home when she's bored, and she used to do it at school too but I do believe she's past it now & prefers to stay out of the drama. We still check in on it regularly though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid, who is also super sarcastic and a bit of a moody loner, is stereotyped by other children as the likely next school shooter. Kids joke about it. They reported him to the counselors, etc.

He is a bit non-conformist and verbally mean. Other kids that think they are sweet, and wonderful, and caring have actually been sabotaging little jerks.

He is usually cheerful at home and we have no risk factors. He hated middle school but high school is much better because there is finally lots of tracking for the brighter and harder working students.

So I'm aware that people feel that my kid is the mean kid but I know for sure that it's not all his personality.

I used to tell people just to leave him alone. No counseling, no jollying, no calling on, no rearranging seats. Just let the bear rest in his cage (school) and there will be no verbal paw swipes.

It's been funny to me to see the outcomes of the "nice
kids" who caused my son problems. They have lost popularity in high school. And one came to realize he falsely overstated my son's issues and caused him real problems. That kid expressed guilt. Good.

You really need to get your child evaluated. His profile is not normal, but it doesn't mean he's the next school shooter. You recognize that there could be a millions issues that could be treated between "normal" and "school shooter"?

My guess, just from your description, is that he's autistic and therefore asocial with anxiety. My son has autism, I am well aware of the more classic traits of autism. And no, not every autistic kid becomes a shooter. But you might want to do something to help him before it gets worse. He's not going to network professionally, or get married and have a family, with his current traits. He needs support. There are social skills groups he could try and meds for anxiety (or meds for inattentive ADHD if he also has that), there's cognitive behavioral therapy or ABA if he's younger, to help him gauge what kind of proportional response he should give in social situations... lots of science-based approaches that have proved helpful to such profiles over the years.

PP. I understand what you are saying and I thank you for your concern. My family is a bit ND and tends to be very bright. My son takes after other family members who have done better than he has simply by being raised in other social settings.

I think he will be fine. High school is wonderful compared to 8th grade. He has found an EC where he is all in. He is made aware that he has rough edges and people are helping to chip them off.

He is private and does not want to talk about his personal life with strangers. He does talk to family in depth. So, I don't think talk therapy is a good option. I wasn't impressed with the counseling team at his middle school. They wanted to fix my child with counseling and therapy and I told them to first fix their school to provide the lacking elements: classroom discipline, academic challenge, tracking beyond math, consistent teacher coverage, and sanctions for malicious reporting. They backed off pretty fast. I guess we just have to parent in the rear view a bit: "Here's how you could have handled this better."

The area in which we live is very complacent and at times slightly anti-intellectual. The walls of the school are painted with platitudes and exhortation such as "Be the Nice Kid!" and "It's Better to Be Nice Than to Be Right". We are also within 60 miles of some high profile incidents so our schools get extra helpings of cautionary tales.

In the city, 20 minutes away, the high school wall is painted with "The ones who said you couldn't do it are watching." Environmental context matters. Our area has good points but it is a little saccharine at times.

It's all getting better. I posted so people might understand there are varying definitions of mean and it's highly situational.

[Anonymous]

Both of my kids are fully capable of being mean. They usually aren’t, but they definitely go there sometimes.