Do any parents out there know their kids are the mean ones?

[Anonymous]

My kid truly does not have a mean bone in her body. I do, though, so it's not like I'm blind to what mean looks like.

[Anonymous]

Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

And you know you have to rein it in, instead of writing that out as if you were proud of them?

[Anonymous]

No there are definitely parents who are happy their kids are cool and mean, just like them.

[Anonymous]

Some parents know and don't care. Some parents don't know and live in delusion. Some kids are just naturally mean perhaps on up to having sociopathic traits. Some kids are reacting to a bad home life that's happening behind four walls. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional home, and i was a chatterbox at school. Got the classic "talks to much in class" comments on report cards. I was talking too much at school because nobody at home was available to me (neglect). I was in the way, and I knew it, and so I stayed out of the way in my room without anybody to talk to. So I saved it for the school day. Other kids react in their own ways. But you don't really know from the outside always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

And you know you have to rein it in, instead of writing that out as if you were proud of them?

Disagree. They’re not cruel and it helps them socially. They were raised to be strong, so not sure why I’d try to teach them something different after all these years.

I am proud of their strength, and I should be. DH and I made choices to raise good men, and we got what we wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

And you know you have to rein it in, instead of writing that out as if you were proud of them?

Disagree. They’re not cruel and it helps them socially. They were raised to be strong, so not sure why I’d try to teach them something different after all these years.

I am proud of their strength, and I should be. DH and I made choices to raise good men, and we got what we wanted.

They sound like amazing men. Well done.

(That is so much sarcasm. You are terrifying.)

[Anonymous]

I talk to parents who know their kids are kind of mean and really just shrug it off. They tell themselves not everyone can be friends, kids are kids, what are they supposed to do when little Larla doesn't want to hang around with Larlette anymore. And they don't care because their kid is usually doing fine socially.

If they are confronted about specific behavior by another parent, they don't respond well and they tell everyone they know too and paint it like the other parent is a lunatic. This is why my go to advice is never say anything to the parents. Even if you think it went well, it didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

And you know you have to rein it in, instead of writing that out as if you were proud of them?

Disagree. They’re not cruel and it helps them socially. They were raised to be strong, so not sure why I’d try to teach them something different after all these years.

I am proud of their strength, and I should be. DH and I made choices to raise good men, and we got what we wanted.

Please be a troll. Please be a troll. Please be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

I have a "weak", sensitive son (anxious, not very athletic) and if your son holds him in "semi open disdain" and actively excludes him, that sounds pretty cruel to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

I have a "weak", sensitive son (anxious, not very athletic) and if your son holds him in "semi open disdain" and actively excludes him, that sounds pretty cruel to me.

Anyone who holds kids in semi-open disdain, actively excludes others, and thinks it makes them more popular isn't actually strong. Strength (socially, physically, whatever) is in using your gifts to help others. Always.

But the worst/weakest is a parent who would glory in that and consider it a good thing. The only reason I can believe there are adults like this in the world is that they are so often featured in the news as part of our US government these days. Perhaps PP is one of the "govern the US via reality TV show" types?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

And you know you have to rein it in, instead of writing that out as if you were proud of them?

Disagree. They’re not cruel and it helps them socially. They were raised to be strong, so not sure why I’d try to teach them something different after all these years.

I am proud of their strength, and I should be. DH and I made choices to raise good men, and we got what we wanted.

How does it show strength when they are disdainful of weaker children??? I see plenty of strong young men around my children's school and they have nothing to prove to anyone, no need to show off by bullying others. I see kids like your sons and they don't look strong, they look ridiculous. And if you're not sure why you'd teach your sons to be something other than "mean" (your words, in your first post), then you're probably beyond help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

"Excluding other boys" and holding "weak" ones (kind ones? non-athletic ones? disabled ones? What does this even mean?) in "semi-open disdain" are signs that you have raised "good men"? How is that not cruel? In what way is this good? And in what way is this "strong"?

This sounds like the "there are two types of people: killers and losers" philosophy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I talk to parents who know their kids are kind of mean and really just shrug it off. They tell themselves not everyone can be friends, kids are kids, what are they supposed to do when little Larla doesn't want to hang around with Larlette anymore. And they don't care because their kid is usually doing fine socially.

If they are confronted about specific behavior by another parent, they don't respond well and they tell everyone they know too and paint it like the other parent is a lunatic. This is why my go to advice is never say anything to the parents. Even if you think it went well, it didn't.

Well, part of that is true- if Larla has a number of good friends, and has had some disagreements with Larlette or they no longer share the same interests, why should they be forced to hang out together? It is true, not everyone can be friends. I don't think Larla should be mean to Larlette but it doesn't mean she has to invite her to her birthday, or choose her as a partner in class, or actively seek her out at recess, if she prefers different friends right now. It is not Larla's job to fix Larlette's social struggles. And yeah, if you confront Larla's mom about Larlette not being invited to something, you do kind of look like a lunatic, unless the "something" is a full class party and Larlette was the only one excluded (if that happens, i'm totally on Larlette's side, don't worry)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I talk to parents who know their kids are kind of mean and really just shrug it off. They tell themselves not everyone can be friends, kids are kids, what are they supposed to do when little Larla doesn't want to hang around with Larlette anymore. And they don't care because their kid is usually doing fine socially.

If they are confronted about specific behavior by another parent, they don't respond well and they tell everyone they know too and paint it like the other parent is a lunatic. This is why my go to advice is never say anything to the parents. Even if you think it went well, it didn't.

Well, part of that is true- if Larla has a number of good friends, and has had some disagreements with Larlette or they no longer share the same interests, why should they be forced to hang out together? It is true, not everyone can be friends. I don't think Larla should be mean to Larlette but it doesn't mean she has to invite her to her birthday, or choose her as a partner in class, or actively seek her out at recess, if she prefers different friends right now. It is not Larla's job to fix Larlette's social struggles. And yeah, if you confront Larla's mom about Larlette not being invited to something, you do kind of look like a lunatic, unless the "something" is a full class party and Larlette was the only one excluded (if that happens, i'm totally on Larlette's side, don't worry)

I agree this is all perfectly reasonable. The chances of tweens/teens handling these situations gracefully and kindly and not being mean along the way is pretty close to zero. When Larlette gets ditched it usually is slash and burn. And Larla doesn't tell her parents what's really going on or what's been said and done. Of course not. And the parents shrug it off. A lot of relational aggression and parents miss opportunities to coach their kids. In my opinion.