Do any parents out there know their kids are the mean ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The strongest kids are the ones who buck the hierarchy and look out for the vulnerable. The weakest are afraid to disrupt the status quo.

I am concerned that the "strong Mom" who says her husband tells her boys need hierarchy may not be uncommon.
As the parent of girls, whom I guess need protecting because of my feminist slant (eye roll), I would hope I have raised my kids to steer far, far away from these kids

Any hints on how to do that other than to raise them to respect themselves and be kind to others?

Fellow girl mom here - the boys like PP describes aren't maybe so bad because if they hold other kids in semi-open disdain, they are easy to spot. The problem gets to be (like Brock Turner mentioned above) when people are in a vulnerable position around these boys/men. AFAIK the only solution to that is to steer far away and travel in packs in vulnerable situations.

The guys who are even more scary are the ones who are able to conceal the disdain - the type people call narcissists these days, though I think that word is horrifically overused.

What would you call it - what are the signs? I am not sure what you mean but I think you are on to something.

You are right, the guys that the strong Mom is raising are typically obvious a$$hats, and I agree with traveling in groups for reasons related to vulnerability. I don't know how much of an overlap there are between the bro dude kids of Strong Mom and the rapists, I am sure there is some, but it's not complete

PP here. I typically reserve the word narcissist for actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'd say someone who has more narcissist traits than typical (everyone has some) but doesn't have full blown NPD just has "narcissist traits." There's a ton of inventories of those traits out there - but the basic idea is someone who shows in any way that they care about themselves more than they care about hurting others. Do we all do it sometimes? I think so. But the people you want to be around will apologize and try to make it right. The people you don't want to apologize will gaslight, diminish, and pass blame when they're caught not caring about other people. The scary ones will do that well.

These people, if they don't hold those traits in check, can easily become emotionally abusive.

Yes. You can tell a lot about a person’s character from three things:

1. how they react when told “no”

2. how they react when told they’ve hurt someone, even if they didn’t mean to

3. how they treat people who aren’t in a position to benefit them socially: wait staff, flight attendants, nurses, or (for middle schoolers) the kids who are not in the popular group

Some kids reach this level of maturity ahead of everyone else. Some kids never reach it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

And you know you have to rein it in, instead of writing that out as if you were proud of them?

Disagree. They’re not cruel and it helps them socially. They were raised to be strong, so not sure why I’d try to teach them something different after all these years.

I am proud of their strength, and I should be. DH and I made choices to raise good men, and we got what we wanted.

So you don't think that "excluding other boys and holding weak ones in semi-open disdain" is cruel? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oldest 2 boys are probably mean. They exclude other boys and hold weak ones in semi-open disdain. We didn’t teach them to be this way but it came to them naturally.

They’re not cruel, though. The funny thing is they’re rewarded for their behavior by the other boys and girls.

And you know you have to rein it in, instead of writing that out as if you were proud of them?

Disagree. They’re not cruel and it helps them socially. They were raised to be strong, so not sure why I’d try to teach them something different after all these years.

I am proud of their strength, and I should be. DH and I made choices to raise good men, and we got what we wanted.

So you don't think that "excluding other boys and holding weak ones in semi-open disdain" is cruel? Wow.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

They got what they wanted.

[Anonymous]

No but I’ve told my dd to distance herself from this friend
-has pushed her out of the way in the hall
-left mid conversation suddenly bc she went over to talk to a boy
-abruptly and rudely asked dd to change the song when they were looking at newer music. Suddenly now it’s the girl’s favorite song
-repeated a joke that my dd just made. Everyone laughed at that joke (not her fault I guess)
-dating a boy my dd dated (though this seems big, we can let this go bc it’s just not a big deal). It’s not the boy that’s the problem, it’s little concern for loyalty.

It’s queen bee behavior reserved for my dd alone. She and other friends gaslight dd if it’s brought up. Especially her, but the friends tell my dd it’s not Christian to bring it up.

The parents don’t know. I guess I don’t know how dd interacts. Maybe she is rude too but this stuff is happening every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No but I’ve told my dd to distance herself from this friend
-has pushed her out of the way in the hall
-left mid conversation suddenly bc she went over to talk to a boy
-abruptly and rudely asked dd to change the song when they were looking at newer music. Suddenly now it’s the girl’s favorite song
-repeated a joke that my dd just made. Everyone laughed at that joke (not her fault I guess)
-dating a boy my dd dated (though this seems big, we can let this go bc it’s just not a big deal). It’s not the boy that’s the problem, it’s little concern for loyalty.

It’s queen bee behavior reserved for my dd alone. She and other friends gaslight dd if it’s brought up. Especially her, but the friends tell my dd it’s not Christian to bring it up.

The parents don’t know. I guess I don’t know how dd interacts. Maybe she is rude too but this stuff is happening every day.

That sounds like adhd not mean girl behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No but I’ve told my dd to distance herself from this friend
-has pushed her out of the way in the hall
-left mid conversation suddenly bc she went over to talk to a boy
-abruptly and rudely asked dd to change the song when they were looking at newer music. Suddenly now it’s the girl’s favorite song
-repeated a joke that my dd just made. Everyone laughed at that joke (not her fault I guess)
-dating a boy my dd dated (though this seems big, we can let this go bc it’s just not a big deal). It’s not the boy that’s the problem, it’s little concern for loyalty.

It’s queen bee behavior reserved for my dd alone. She and other friends gaslight dd if it’s brought up. Especially her, but the friends tell my dd it’s not Christian to bring it up.

The parents don’t know. I guess I don’t know how dd interacts. Maybe she is rude too but this stuff is happening every day.

That sounds like adhd not mean girl behavior.

Had the same thought. Girl sounds like she has low social IQ for any number of legitimate reasons. No she shouldn't be pushing, but other than that clueless is not the same as mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No but I’ve told my dd to distance herself from this friend
-has pushed her out of the way in the hall
-left mid conversation suddenly bc she went over to talk to a boy
-abruptly and rudely asked dd to change the song when they were looking at newer music. Suddenly now it’s the girl’s favorite song
-repeated a joke that my dd just made. Everyone laughed at that joke (not her fault I guess)
-dating a boy my dd dated (though this seems big, we can let this go bc it’s just not a big deal). It’s not the boy that’s the problem, it’s little concern for loyalty.

It’s queen bee behavior reserved for my dd alone. She and other friends gaslight dd if it’s brought up. Especially her, but the friends tell my dd it’s not Christian to bring it up.

The parents don’t know. I guess I don’t know how dd interacts. Maybe she is rude too but this stuff is happening every day.

That sounds like adhd not mean girl behavior.

Had the same thought. Girl sounds like she has low social IQ for any number of legitimate reasons. No she shouldn't be pushing, but other than that clueless is not the same as mean.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No but I’ve told my dd to distance herself from this friend
-has pushed her out of the way in the hall
-left mid conversation suddenly bc she went over to talk to a boy
-abruptly and rudely asked dd to change the song when they were looking at newer music. Suddenly now it’s the girl’s favorite song
-repeated a joke that my dd just made. Everyone laughed at that joke (not her fault I guess)
-dating a boy my dd dated (though this seems big, we can let this go bc it’s just not a big deal). It’s not the boy that’s the problem, it’s little concern for loyalty.

It’s queen bee behavior reserved for my dd alone. She and other friends gaslight dd if it’s brought up. Especially her, but the friends tell my dd it’s not Christian to bring it up.

The parents don’t know. I guess I don’t know how dd interacts. Maybe she is rude too but this stuff is happening every day.

So YOUR kid is bringing up all this stuff to mutual friends try to get people to turn on the friend. I can tell you how your dd interacts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No but I’ve told my dd to distance herself from this friend
-has pushed her out of the way in the hall
-left mid conversation suddenly bc she went over to talk to a boy
-abruptly and rudely asked dd to change the song when they were looking at newer music. Suddenly now it’s the girl’s favorite song
-repeated a joke that my dd just made. Everyone laughed at that joke (not her fault I guess)
-dating a boy my dd dated (though this seems big, we can let this go bc it’s just not a big deal). It’s not the boy that’s the problem, it’s little concern for loyalty.

It’s queen bee behavior reserved for my dd alone. She and other friends gaslight dd if it’s brought up. Especially her, but the friends tell my dd it’s not Christian to bring it up.

The parents don’t know. I guess I don’t know how dd interacts. Maybe she is rude too but this stuff is happening every day.

So YOUR kid is bringing up all this stuff to mutual friends try to get people to turn on the friend. I can tell you how your dd interacts.

You’re disgusting. Someone pushes my child. My child tries to call it out to the friend directly. She gaslights. My child tries to get others to notice a change in this friend’s behavior to my dd (anyone else noticing this?). They tell her it’s not ok to talk about.

Gross of you to stand with this other person. I know where I stand.

I advised her to stop talking about it, because it’s not effective. They’re all pushing back if my dd tries. I said, just kindly distance yourself. Be kind, be polite, but from now on, if she’s on one side of the hallway, you’re on the other.

My child does not need to continue to allow this. Space is what she’s going to do.

But how dare you defend this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No but I’ve told my dd to distance herself from this friend
-has pushed her out of the way in the hall
-left mid conversation suddenly bc she went over to talk to a boy
-abruptly and rudely asked dd to change the song when they were looking at newer music. Suddenly now it’s the girl’s favorite song
-repeated a joke that my dd just made. Everyone laughed at that joke (not her fault I guess)
-dating a boy my dd dated (though this seems big, we can let this go bc it’s just not a big deal). It’s not the boy that’s the problem, it’s little concern for loyalty.

It’s queen bee behavior reserved for my dd alone. She and other friends gaslight dd if it’s brought up. Especially her, but the friends tell my dd it’s not Christian to bring it up.

The parents don’t know. I guess I don’t know how dd interacts. Maybe she is rude too but this stuff is happening every day.

So YOUR kid is bringing up all this stuff to mutual friends try to get people to turn on the friend. I can tell you how your dd interacts.

You’re disgusting. Someone pushes my child. My child tries to call it out to the friend directly. She gaslights. My child tries to get others to notice a change in this friend’s behavior to my dd (anyone else noticing this?). They tell her it’s not ok to talk about.

Gross of you to stand with this other person. I know where I stand.

I advised her to stop talking about it, because it’s not effective. They’re all pushing back if my dd tries. I said, just kindly distance yourself. Be kind, be polite, but from now on, if she’s on one side of the hallway, you’re on the other.

My child does not need to continue to allow this. Space is what she’s going to do.

But how dare you defend this person.

Mean mom alert

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No but I’ve told my dd to distance herself from this friend
-has pushed her out of the way in the hall
-left mid conversation suddenly bc she went over to talk to a boy
-abruptly and rudely asked dd to change the song when they were looking at newer music. Suddenly now it’s the girl’s favorite song
-repeated a joke that my dd just made. Everyone laughed at that joke (not her fault I guess)
-dating a boy my dd dated (though this seems big, we can let this go bc it’s just not a big deal). It’s not the boy that’s the problem, it’s little concern for loyalty.

It’s queen bee behavior reserved for my dd alone. She and other friends gaslight dd if it’s brought up. Especially her, but the friends tell my dd it’s not Christian to bring it up.

The parents don’t know. I guess I don’t know how dd interacts. Maybe she is rude too but this stuff is happening every day.

That sounds like adhd not mean girl behavior.

I see very little wrong with that list. The parent sounds very controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No but I’ve told my dd to distance herself from this friend
-has pushed her out of the way in the hall
-left mid conversation suddenly bc she went over to talk to a boy
-abruptly and rudely asked dd to change the song when they were looking at newer music. Suddenly now it’s the girl’s favorite song
-repeated a joke that my dd just made. Everyone laughed at that joke (not her fault I guess)
-dating a boy my dd dated (though this seems big, we can let this go bc it’s just not a big deal). It’s not the boy that’s the problem, it’s little concern for loyalty.

It’s queen bee behavior reserved for my dd alone. She and other friends gaslight dd if it’s brought up. Especially her, but the friends tell my dd it’s not Christian to bring it up.

The parents don’t know. I guess I don’t know how dd interacts. Maybe she is rude too but this stuff is happening every day.

So YOUR kid is bringing up all this stuff to mutual friends try to get people to turn on the friend. I can tell you how your dd interacts.

You’re disgusting. Someone pushes my child. My child tries to call it out to the friend directly. She gaslights. My child tries to get others to notice a change in this friend’s behavior to my dd (anyone else noticing this?). They tell her it’s not ok to talk about.

Gross of you to stand with this other person. I know where I stand.

I advised her to stop talking about it, because it’s not effective. They’re all pushing back if my dd tries. I said, just kindly distance yourself. Be kind, be polite, but from now on, if she’s on one side of the hallway, you’re on the other.

My child does not need to continue to allow this. Space is what she’s going to do.

But how dare you defend this person.

People like you kill me. They’re all pushing back on your daughter and your hot take is she is the victim? Wake up and look at the clues.