My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all 9 pages, but I was very reluctant to therapy.

Now that I'm well into it I'm amazed at how helpful it's been.

It helps me understand what pushed my buttons. A better understanding of that means that my reactions (especially w/ my kids) are more balanced now, and I am MUCH more in control of my own anger and frustration levels.

Therapy has helped me set much needed boundaries with other family members.

Therapy has helped me find ways to feel more calm, more forgiveness for my own limitations, and more balance in my life.

As a result I am much more patient as a parent, more more rational as a spouse, and much more comfortable in my own skin.

I got very lucky w/ the therapist I found - my results could easily have been quite different had it not been a good fit.

I don't think therapy is for everyone, or a magic cure, or provides all the skills I need for parenting (by a mile!) but it has really helped me understand myself soooo much better than I realized was needed. And that is reaping huge benefits.

What I would say is that i my spouse was repeatedly suggesting therapy to me I would take that very seriously, even if I didn't fully understand or agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read all 9 pages, but I was very reluctant to therapy.

Now that I'm well into it I'm amazed at how helpful it's been.

It helps me understand what pushed my buttons. A better understanding of that means that my reactions (especially w/ my kids) are more balanced now, and I am MUCH more in control of my own anger and frustration levels.

Therapy has helped me set much needed boundaries with other family members.

Therapy has helped me find ways to feel more calm, more forgiveness for my own limitations, and more balance in my life.

As a result I am much more patient as a parent, more more rational as a spouse, and much more comfortable in my own skin.

I got very lucky w/ the therapist I found - my results could easily have been quite different had it not been a good fit.

I don't think therapy is for everyone, or a magic cure, or provides all the skills I need for parenting (by a mile!) but it has really helped me understand myself soooo much better than I realized was needed. And that is reaping huge benefits.

What I would say is that i my spouse was repeatedly suggesting therapy to me I would take that very seriously, even if I didn't fully understand or agree.

Counterpoint: if therapy is an anti-science hokey waste of money and your spouse won’t stop insisting you go instead of taking steps to genuinely solve your problem like a parenting class, you should not take it seriously and you should wonder what their problem is. #teamOP

[Anonymous]

It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

+1

Do you think that's perpetuated by therapists or by patients who don't want to let go of the process?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

+1

Do you think that's perpetuated by therapists or by patients who don't want to let go of the process?

Both! But it’s part of a broader belief that there’s some kind of secret core self that you can discover, as opposed to the self being a thing that you create over time with choices and habits. (From particular raw material, obviously, individual character is a real thing.) but I think a lot of therapists and patients alike, and a lot of people who are not personally in therapy but think it’s just dandy for everyone, have bought into this model without really realizing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

+1

Do you think that's perpetuated by therapists or by patients who don't want to let go of the process?

Both! But it’s part of a broader belief that there’s some kind of secret core self that you can discover, as opposed to the self being a thing that you create over time with choices and habits. (From particular raw material, obviously, individual character is a real thing.) but I think a lot of therapists and patients alike, and a lot of people who are not personally in therapy but think it’s just dandy for everyone, have bought into this model without really realizing it.

I was joking about Freudian analysis, but its' amazing how that has been so ingrained into our society even if nobody really practices it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

+1

Do you think that's perpetuated by therapists or by patients who don't want to let go of the process?

Both! But it’s part of a broader belief that there’s some kind of secret core self that you can discover, as opposed to the self being a thing that you create over time with choices and habits. (From particular raw material, obviously, individual character is a real thing.) but I think a lot of therapists and patients alike, and a lot of people who are not personally in therapy but think it’s just dandy for everyone, have bought into this model without really realizing it.

I was joking about Freudian analysis, but its' amazing how that has been so ingrained into our society even if nobody really practices it anymore.

it’s kind of an interesting question whether Freud is the root of this or whether he became popular because he played into a broader obsession, I could make the case either way.

But anyway, I would try to explain it to your wife that the app you’re doing is based on cognitive behavioral therapy and you’re finding it really useful.

[Anonymous]

This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

+1

Do you think that's perpetuated by therapists or by patients who don't want to let go of the process?

Both! But it’s part of a broader belief that there’s some kind of secret core self that you can discover, as opposed to the self being a thing that you create over time with choices and habits. (From particular raw material, obviously, individual character is a real thing.) but I think a lot of therapists and patients alike, and a lot of people who are not personally in therapy but think it’s just dandy for everyone, have bought into this model without really realizing it.

I was joking about Freudian analysis, but its' amazing how that has been so ingrained into our society even if nobody really practices it anymore.

it’s kind of an interesting question whether Freud is the root of this or whether he became popular because he played into a broader obsession, I could make the case either way.

But anyway, I would try to explain it to your wife that the app you’re doing is based on cognitive behavioral therapy and you’re finding it really useful.

+1

She's a fan of 10% happier. She doesn't use the app but really likes the other content they produce. It just is very focused on being productive—"here's a thing you can do when you feel stressed..." instead of being, "Today, let's see if we can make you really cry thinking about something that happened when you were nine years old..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

I’m the PP you were talking to about Freud and I actually have found it very useful to talk to a therapist about unhappy things. But in my case, it was more of a “wow I am super anxious whenever my parents visit, what’s up with that?” and unpacking a lot of the unhappy stuff helped me to understand what was going on and then move past it. Now I am able to enjoy their visits, or at least enjoy my kids enjoying them. But we approached the talking about unhappy things in a very CBT way: OK, what are the thoughts that are occurring when you think about your parents, etc. etc. Learning to recognize the patterns was key to interrupting them. And now I’m done!

But I know someone who has cut off a bad dad and is sad that things were such that that was the right call, but whatever, that’s life. And I don’t think that person needs therapy to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

I’m the PP you were talking to about Freud and I actually have found it very useful to talk to a therapist about unhappy things. But in my case, it was more of a “wow I am super anxious whenever my parents visit, what’s up with that?” and unpacking a lot of the unhappy stuff helped me to understand what was going on and then move past it. Now I am able to enjoy their visits, or at least enjoy my kids enjoying them. But we approached the talking about unhappy things in a very CBT way: OK, what are the thoughts that are occurring when you think about your parents, etc. etc. Learning to recognize the patterns was key to interrupting them. And now I’m done!

But I know someone who has cut off a bad dad and is sad that things were such that that was the right call, but whatever, that’s life. And I don’t think that person needs therapy to deal with it.

That's good. Whatever works is good.

For me, it was obvious why their visits made me anxious.

And I actually had a moment with my dad when visiting him and HE got anxious, where I told him that if my presence made him anxious, then I was happy to give him more space. It just seemed the obvious solution, and he was so relieved. I view my distant relationship with my father as being as much for his benefit as mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

I’m the PP you were talking to about Freud and I actually have found it very useful to talk to a therapist about unhappy things. But in my case, it was more of a “wow I am super anxious whenever my parents visit, what’s up with that?” and unpacking a lot of the unhappy stuff helped me to understand what was going on and then move past it. Now I am able to enjoy their visits, or at least enjoy my kids enjoying them. But we approached the talking about unhappy things in a very CBT way: OK, what are the thoughts that are occurring when you think about your parents, etc. etc. Learning to recognize the patterns was key to interrupting them. And now I’m done!

But I know someone who has cut off a bad dad and is sad that things were such that that was the right call, but whatever, that’s life. And I don’t think that person needs therapy to deal with it.

That's good. Whatever works is good.

For me, it was obvious why their visits made me anxious.

And I actually had a moment with my dad when visiting him and HE got anxious, where I told him that if my presence made him anxious, then I was happy to give him more space. It just seemed the obvious solution, and he was so relieved. I view my distant relationship with my father as being as much for his benefit as mine.

I’m happy for you that you’ve found something that works. I hope your wife can understand that just because something wouldn’t work for her doesn’t mean it’s not okay for you.