My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Or, learning ways to manage frustration when multiple, normal disruptions are happening at once might help.

If you don’t want to go to therapy, don’t. But if you’re not satisfied with losing your temper sometimes, try a different therapist. In your first meeting, lead with what didn’t help last time, so you can try something different.

I tried two therapists, found them useless. tried a third and BAM, magic time. I’m so much happier with how I handle things now. But that’s me, and you don’t need to do what anyone else suggests. Just what you feel motivated to do by your desire to be a present and caring parent for your kids.

Same poster as before. I did this. I know think I was in denial about my predicament and I was opinion shopping. They needed to tell me my husband was divorcing me no matter what I did. Only one guy told me that but he did it in a flip way. (And I would always get to laugh during couples therapy so I wasn’t taking it seriously). I swear - talk therapy doesn’t work for some!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, it sounds like you are using therapy anyways with the app. It's just a different type of therapy. You are trying to make a broad stroke that therapy isn't for you, but, apparently it is!

OP here, I think we all know that I'm talking about talk therapy and specifically the discussion of my parents dysfunction.

I was pretty clear from the start—as a self-aware person—that I am deeply aware of my flaws and the need to improve them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, it sounds like you are using therapy anyways with the app. It's just a different type of therapy. You are trying to make a broad stroke that therapy isn't for you, but, apparently it is!

OP here, I think we all know that I'm talking about talk therapy and specifically the discussion of my parents dysfunction.

I was pretty clear from the start—as a self-aware person—that I am deeply aware of my flaws and the need to improve them.

You are not flawed, you are a person having a normal response to growing up in dysfunction. You have done well for yourself in marrying a person who cares about you and supports you. You have done well utilizing resources to improve your parenting. You are capable and mentally tough, but it's okay to feel grief and anger over childhood wounds. You may never feel ready for talk therapy. I finally tried it when I found myself feeling stuck in life. Simply starting this post and continuing this discussion shows me that you are willing to at least consider therapy. I hope you consider what some are saying here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, it sounds like you are using therapy anyways with the app. It's just a different type of therapy. You are trying to make a broad stroke that therapy isn't for you, but, apparently it is!

OP here, I think we all know that I'm talking about talk therapy and specifically the discussion of my parents dysfunction.

I was pretty clear from the start—as a self-aware person—that I am deeply aware of my flaws and the need to improve them.

You are not flawed, you are a person having a normal response to growing up in dysfunction. You have done well for yourself in marrying a person who cares about you and supports you. You have done well utilizing resources to improve your parenting. You are capable and mentally tough, but it's okay to feel grief and anger over childhood wounds. You may never feel ready for talk therapy. I finally tried it when I found myself feeling stuck in life. Simply starting this post and continuing this discussion shows me that you are willing to at least consider therapy. I hope you consider what some are saying here.

OP here, appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

It really, really depends on the kids, the commute stresses and how well you sleep. If you’ve got an ADHD kid, a baby that kept you up all night or a snoring spouse and a killer commute then all the talk therapy in the world isn’t going to make a hoot of difference! Look sometimes life is stressful but these phases are transitory. Either change the stressors or just go through them. Life is never perfect. If you feel you can not deal with it, then by all means find a therapist but if you are self aware therapy isn’t going to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

I flatly don’t believe you’ve never lost your patience with your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

I flatly don’t believe you’ve never lost your patience with your children.

Agreed. I also don't know a single parent who ever decided that yelling at their kids and losing their temper when things got challenging was going to be the plan.

I'm sure there are some cold-blooded parents who do that, but I think to be able to never actually yell at your kids requires a similar type of sociopathy that would also allow you to intentionally yell at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

Nobody is saying mornings with kids are stress free. Loosing your temper with kids for doing normal kid things, especially if you do it frequently, is a problem.

If someone regularly finds themselves in the same or similar stressful situations, I’m only talking about normal life situations like OP has described, and isn’t handling them well, they don’t have the tools to cope. Therapy is one of several tools discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

Nobody is saying mornings with kids are stress free. Loosing your temper with kids for doing normal kid things, especially if you do it frequently, is a problem.

If someone regularly finds themselves in the same or similar stressful situations, I’m only talking about normal life situations like OP has described, and isn’t handling them well, they don’t have the tools to cope. Therapy is one of several tools discussed.

LOSING not loosing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

Nobody is saying mornings with kids are stress free. Loosing your temper with kids for doing normal kid things, especially if you do it frequently, is a problem.

If someone regularly finds themselves in the same or similar stressful situations, I’m only talking about normal life situations like OP has described, and isn’t handling them well, they don’t have the tools to cope. Therapy is one of several tools discussed.

LOSING not loosing.

Thank you! I’m typing on my phone with the “assistance” of autocorrect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

Nobody is saying mornings with kids are stress free. Loosing your temper with kids for doing normal kid things, especially if you do it frequently, is a problem.

If someone regularly finds themselves in the same or similar stressful situations, I’m only talking about normal life situations like OP has described, and isn’t handling them well, they don’t have the tools to cope. Therapy is one of several tools discussed.

LOSING not loosing.

Thank you! I’m typing on my phone with the “assistance” of autocorrect.

I thought it was a test to see if I could control my temper or if I needed therapy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you need a middle ground and try some parenting or family relationship books. Based on your discussion of getting impatient with your kids, you might try

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

I've found it really helpful. It costs $10, or 0 if you get it from the library and has targeted advice. You can trying multiple books if there is one that suits your style. And you can show your wife you are doing something. And...some of it might even help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you need a middle ground and try some parenting or family relationship books. Based on your discussion of getting impatient with your kids, you might try

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

I've found it really helpful. It costs $10, or 0 if you get it from the library and has targeted advice. You can trying multiple books if there is one that suits your style. And you can show your wife you are doing something. And...some of it might even help.

+1