Why are teenagers so hard?

[Anonymous]

I have a 9 month old baby and I find this period so difficult. It’s a thousand times better than the newborn stage for me but it’s still so hard. I can’t wait until she can move around more without us worried she will fall or choke on some tiny thing she finds on the floor. And having her be able to say what she wants would be so nice. But everybody, coworkers, etc. just keep going on about how this is the best time and it gets so much worse when they’re teenagers. Why? I’m sure I had my moments but I generally had a good relationship with my family and I think I was a pretty easy teen so I’m lost about what could be so much worse.

[Anonymous]

I enjoyed moments of every stage and disliked other things.

Just one example - at 4am last night I woke up suddenly wide awake for no reason. I have no idea why. For some reason I checked Life360 to make sure my kids were in the house because I had a sudden panic feeling they were out driving. That’s never happened before, maybe it’s my menopause acting up or the news stories getting to me… I didn’t really get back to bed and now I’m getting ready for work. You always know where your baby is.

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 and 16 year old and I love this stage a thousand times more than the first year. It’s still hard though—and I have really lovely, easy teens—because you have to let the rope out a bit and hope you’ve laid the groundwork for them to make good decisions. The stakes feel higher and time with them at home is getting shorter.

[Anonymous]

Teenagers act out and you're dealing with much more complicated interpersonal issues. And, simply, they don't adore you the same way. They start to pull away, which is developmentally normal, but can be hard.

[Anonymous]

Op—my advice is try not to worry about the teen years being tough. Every stage has its good and its challenges and every kid is different. Although I know it’s way easier said than done, do your best to live in the moment and don’t fantasize about how it’ll be so much better when xyz because you will inevitably be disappointed.

But to answer your question, I think the teen years are hard for a few reasons. First, we are older when our kids are older. My DCs are in HS and college and I’m exhausted on a different level than I was when I was sleep deprived with babies in my late 20s/early 30s. Second, the sh*# they can get into is much bigger and has greater potential negative implications and you have way way less control over any of it. Third, are going in a bazillion directions every day and you have minimal control over their schedules because they are dictated by the activities they choose (vs you setting up play dates that work with your schedule, for example). Fourth, it is a natural part of development for teens to flex their attitudes and become more aligned with friends. They are trying to figure out who they are and that always means pushing back against parents—this is true on some level for even the most compliant, easy going teens. They are more likely to listen to a friend or coach or teacher than a parent. Lastly, teenage years are when hormones take over. Their bodies are changing and that impacts mood, sleep, appetite and it’s really easy for all of those things to get thrown into a blender. Teens = way less control (than baby/toddler/ES) which often means chaos with an attitude.

[Anonymous]

I think it ultimately boils down to loss of control. It’s an adjustment realizing that you have an autonomous human on your hands who doesn’t want to do what you want them to.

[Anonymous]

Every teen is different. I’ve had three. One extremely difficult due to mental illness untreated, two absolute delight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 13 and 16 year old and I love this stage a thousand times more than the first year. It’s still hard though—and I have really lovely, easy teens—because you have to let the rope out a bit and hope you’ve laid the groundwork for them to make good decisions. The stakes feel higher and time with them at home is getting shorter.

I feel the same though only a 13 year old. I can’t even imagine that I only have 5 more years with him and he’s getting to the stage where he wants to be with friends a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it ultimately boils down to loss of control. It’s an adjustment realizing that you have an autonomous human on your hands who doesn’t want to do what you want them to.

And you can’t make them. My 1 year old works sometimes fight me on going in the car seat. He’d go rigid, fight with as ll he had to not go in the car seat. I’d make him go in the car seat. Can’t make teenagers do much when it really boils down to it.

[Anonymous]

OP--yes, this stage where the baby/small child is 100% dependent on you is a slog. There are fun parts but it's a slog. Then as they grow, it can be hard too, just a different hard, but there are other joys and fun parts too. I agree with PP don't worry about it now, it's not a great use of time you don't have.

[Anonymous]

My baby isn’t out of the house without me. I know she’s safe at home. Not so much with my teen.

[Anonymous]

I found the early years a lot harder than the teen years - I have enjoyed my kid more and more each year as a human, and not just as the child I love. Up until this year, that is - senior year. He is still the delightful person he has always been, but this year is a lot, and it is stressful for us all. Not enough sleep, tons of worry, life-changing decisions, a push for autonomy, half-baked frontal lobe…and a car and spending money from a job. Oh, and menopausal insomnia, hot flashes, and what is euphemistically called “me perimenopausal irritability” and is actually unpredictable blind rage.

So yeah. The teen years can be hard, but it’s not all about the teen themselves. That said…there is no way in hell you could pay me enough to have a baby or toddler again. No way, no how.

Hang in there - truly, it gets better!

[Anonymous]

I think I was a pretty easy teen so I’m lost about what could be so much worse.

Well, I thought I was an easy teen too -- and then I had teens, and some really frustrating aspects of their normal teen behavior triggered memories of having the same fights and struggles with my mom. So I am not sure I really was an easy teen. The teen stage is incredibly hard, but so is the first year. They are just very different. You will get through this, then through every difficult stage that lies ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it ultimately boils down to loss of control. It’s an adjustment realizing that you have an autonomous human on your hands who doesn’t want to do what you want them to.

Yep. You don’t control your teen. You don’t control their friends etc to fix issues. They are not babies that forget they were upset and want to snuggle five minutes later. And it takes some willpower to let them fail sometimes but try to guide them sometimes too.

And there can be mental or physical health issues. Everything just is harder with a nonpliable teen vs little kid.

[Anonymous]

Every stage has positives and negatives but I have teens now and get it. My kids are really easy and we all have good relationships, but it’s so much less rewarding and fun than the younger years for me as a parent. They don’t smile when they see me or particularly want to spend time together. My role as parent has evolved to occasional good conversations and lots of figuring out the right balance of being a total nag and tolerating too much less-than-desirable but typical teen behavior. And driving them places, staying up late to bring them home, eschewing family trips or other things I enjoy because of their school or sports commitments (or doing those things anyway but in the company of someone who really doesn’t want to be there, which sucks a lot of the joy out even if they are being a trooper and trying to feign a decent attitude). There’s not a lot of joy.

And this is with two easy kids who generally are not outright disrespectful, are doing well in school, involved in activities, get along well socially, and so far have refrained from risky behaviors. Many of my friends and relatives are not as lucky. Two in my close circle have had kids hospitalized for mental health issues in the last 6 months, others have been failing classes, getting in scary, risky behavior, or just REALLY disrespectful/miserable to be around.