Why are teenagers so hard?

[Anonymous]

I enjoy having teens much more.

But it’s hard too. For me it’s watching them navigate interpersonal, emotional, and social dynamics. I feel their feelings more than I’d like and most women I talk to at least do this too. And worrying about them in reay profound ways. I agree, they are out of your control. It is a cliche, but little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.

But overall they are funny, smart, interesting, and for me much more engaging than having little kids who are so physically dependent and needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every teen is different. I’ve had three. One extremely difficult due to mental illness untreated, two absolute delight.

This. Each child is different. It is pure luck when someone has an "easy" kid, whether that is an easy baby or toddler or kid or tween or teen. And an easy baby can become a difficult teen or vice versa. It is just life.

I have 2 kids. One has been so difficult since day 1, it's just who she is. As a teen, it is still hard day to day, and the stakes are higher vs when she was younger. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every stage has positives and negatives but I have teens now and get it. My kids are really easy and we all have good relationships, but it’s so much less rewarding and fun than the younger years for me as a parent. They don’t smile when they see me or particularly want to spend time together. My role as parent has evolved to occasional good conversations and lots of figuring out the right balance of being a total nag and tolerating too much less-than-desirable but typical teen behavior. And driving them places, staying up late to bring them home, eschewing family trips or other things I enjoy because of their school or sports commitments (or doing those things anyway but in the company of someone who really doesn’t want to be there, which sucks a lot of the joy out even if they are being a trooper and trying to feign a decent attitude). There’s not a lot of joy.

And this is with two easy kids who generally are not outright disrespectful, are doing well in school, involved in activities, get along well socially, and so far have refrained from risky behaviors. Many of my friends and relatives are not as lucky. Two in my close circle have had kids hospitalized for mental health issues in the last 6 months, others have been failing classes, getting in scary, risky behavior, or just REALLY disrespectful/miserable to be around.

I am not invalidating this posters experience but my teens are not like the first paragraph. I don’t think this is a given. Yes they turn to peers more but ours still do things with us and we have fun and they are engaged and fun to be around a good portion of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every stage has positives and negatives but I have teens now and get it. My kids are really easy and we all have good relationships, but it’s so much less rewarding and fun than the younger years for me as a parent. They don’t smile when they see me or particularly want to spend time together. My role as parent has evolved to occasional good conversations and lots of figuring out the right balance of being a total nag and tolerating too much less-than-desirable but typical teen behavior. And driving them places, staying up late to bring them home, eschewing family trips or other things I enjoy because of their school or sports commitments (or doing those things anyway but in the company of someone who really doesn’t want to be there, which sucks a lot of the joy out even if they are being a trooper and trying to feign a decent attitude). There’s not a lot of joy.

And this is with two easy kids who generally are not outright disrespectful, are doing well in school, involved in activities, get along well socially, and so far have refrained from risky behaviors. Many of my friends and relatives are not as lucky. Two in my close circle have had kids hospitalized for mental health issues in the last 6 months, others have been failing classes, getting in scary, risky behavior, or just REALLY disrespectful/miserable to be around.

It’s interesting to read this. I didn’t find a lot of joy in little kids. Felt like an endless slog of Groundhog Day a lot of the time and I often found little kids and the things you do with them boring.

I think teens have a lot of joy. Sharing adult interests and humor together. My kids introduce me to things and interests I didn’t even know about before at times. Watching them become their own people and succeeding at various things. Their successes land 100x more joyful for me than any success of my own.

It’s not all rainbows AT ALL. But I think there can be joy.

[Anonymous]

I have an almost 16 yo. I thought the hardest stage was the preschool stage. They are still very attached to you, but you have to be much more engaged. There were countless hours of make-believe games, going to the park, trying to stave off boredom, etc. I didn't feel like I had much time for my own interests then.

The hardest thing about teens is knowing you only have them for a few more years. Plus, they start getting so busy in HS. We've always prioritized family dinners, but now we only have them about three times a week. I think this bums my husband more than anything. It's not the same with just the two of us. I'm not super excited about meal planning anymore either.

I'll miss the full nest, but I'm excited to see what lies ahead.

[Anonymous]

I think the parents who struggle with teens have controlling tendencies and are enmeshed with their children.

My own mother HATED having teenagers and made it very obvious to me. She’s incredibly controlling and seemed threatened by me having outside interests, expressing independence and exploring colleges. Normal teenage behaviors like smoking cigarettes was treated as if I deserved the death penalty.

I now can see she didn’t have her own hobbies or a career and had nothing to do but manage me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the parents who struggle with teens have controlling tendencies and are enmeshed with their children.

My own mother HATED having teenagers and made it very obvious to me. She’s incredibly controlling and seemed threatened by me having outside interests, expressing independence and exploring colleges. Normal teenage behaviors like smoking cigarettes was treated as if I deserved the death penalty.

I now can see she didn’t have her own hobbies or a career and had nothing to do but manage me.

I can see that. You have to parent the kid you have. The kid you have is more obvious when they become teenagers too. My parents were overly strict, even though we did nothing to deserve it. I treat my teens with more respect and give them way more independence than I had. They haven't abused it yet, just like I wouldn't have if given the chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teenagers act out and you're dealing with much more complicated interpersonal issues. And, simply, they don't adore you the same way. They start to pull away, which is developmentally normal, but can be hard.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op—my advice is try not to worry about the teen years being tough. Every stage has its good and its challenges and every kid is different. Although I know it’s way easier said than done, do your best to live in the moment and don’t fantasize about how it’ll be so much better when xyz because you will inevitably be disappointed.

But to answer your question, I think the teen years are hard for a few reasons. First, we are older when our kids are older. My DCs are in HS and college and I’m exhausted on a different level than I was when I was sleep deprived with babies in my late 20s/early 30s. Second, the sh*# they can get into is much bigger and has greater potential negative implications and you have way way less control over any of it. Third, are going in a bazillion directions every day and you have minimal control over their schedules because they are dictated by the activities they choose (vs you setting up play dates that work with your schedule, for example). Fourth, it is a natural part of development for teens to flex their attitudes and become more aligned with friends. They are trying to figure out who they are and that always means pushing back against parents—this is true on some level for even the most compliant, easy going teens. They are more likely to listen to a friend or coach or teacher than a parent. Lastly, teenage years are when hormones take over. Their bodies are changing and that impacts mood, sleep, appetite and it’s really easy for all of those things to get thrown into a blender. Teens = way less control (than baby/toddler/ES) which often means chaos with an attitude.

This is perfect. I feel so seen!

[Anonymous]

I loved the infant/baby stage. I thought the toddler stage sucked out loud. I have a 7 year old and he is so fun right now. He still has his moments of defiance but nothing like what I imagine he will be as a teenager. I think teenagers are tough because of hormones, the amped up drama that results because of the hormones and generally believing that they know everything and that parents are completely out of touch and stupid. I don’t have a teen yet but I do remember my own teenage years.

[Anonymous]

I found teens to be so much easier than the early stages (mine are 19y.) Teens get a bad reputation, but they can be awesome.

Early parenting is physically demanding. Teen parenting is mentally/emotionally demanding.

[Anonymous]

I have 15/13 boys and I love this stage as well as the past few years. I felt the baby/toddler years were a grind. My teens have busy lives but we have a great relationship. I love going to their sports, their friends hang out here all the time, and we still squeeze in family trips and game nights. Plus I have a lot more “me” time bc they are busy!

[Anonymous]

Well...

my kids know about 5 kids who OD'd
my kids had 2 friends die in car accidents
my kids know a kid who was attacked for dating a girl, the ex sucker punched him and he hit his head and was in the hospital for a month.
my kids have 2 friends that hardly graduated HS due to mental health issues and have been to rehab, etc
we know 3 teens who got cancer (but truthfully that can happen any time)
my kids were drinking with friends and many were arrested and who knows what ..
growing up we know 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are raped
my son was in a biking accident, knocked out 2 front teeth, took a year to fix them, depression, dropped out of college, finally got counseling, is on the 5-6 year plan
my other son broke up a fight, the cops showed up and he was arrested, and it cost $3000 to hire a lawyer to show he was the one breaking it up not causing it.
My daughter was kicked out of college for helping a mentally unstable person wait for an ambulance and it broke the college COVID rules, hired a lawyer, got her back in, the police were the witness that the person was having a mental breakdown and she called 911

seriously I can go on and on and on

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 13 but really likes hanging out with me for whatever reason. It’s very fun having a little buddy. We gossip and shop and generally have fun together. Yes she can have a terrible attitude sporadically but it’s ok.

[Anonymous]

My son is 15. I enjoy his sense of humor when he is in the mood to be interactive, but he seems to want to avoid me most of the time, unless he is in an especially good mood. I admire his athleticism.

I am not sure why he is so avoidant, as I'm not especially strict.