Trigger warning: Feels like sexual abuse but “a doctor told her to”. Am I wrong to feel this way?

[Anonymous]

I need to get some kind of clarity from someone who isn’t a narcissist about what happened to me. For the record, I grew up in the 1990s in the US.

As a child, I had encopresis — basically I refused to poo until it became a huge issue. This was naturally a huge hassle for my single nMom, who rarely took me to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. Cue later in life when there’s an actual word for what was wrong with me and it turns out it’s caused by severe stress in childhood as well as other things. Almost like the narcissistic abuse and neglect that started when I was a baby also grew up to be a bigger issue. But I digress.

Because of the encopresis, there was constantly attention on my genitals by medical professionals and my nmom. At some point in their wild 1990s way of treating this issue (clearly it must be physical and have nothing to do with my mental health!), they decided my mom needed to be giving me forced enemas. I was probably around 7 or 8.

So I have memories of basically being held down against my will, crying while being anally penetrated. I think this qualifies as medical abuse. She says she didn’t want to do it but the doctor said to. Am I in the wrong for feeling violated? I contend that if she “didn’t want to do it” she should’ve realized she was doing something wrong despite some doctor’s final attempts at solving my issue.

When I was in my twenties I researched encopresis and found out that it comes up in medical literature in the 1970s and again in the 2000s. In the 1990s there was basically no information on it, but I know now that she could’ve gotten a second opinion from someone who would do their research into what had existed before recommending assaulting me. There is a lot of literature available today about how most early treatments for encopresis amounted to sexual abuse so that’s nice for me.

When I made the mistake of confronting her about it, she informed me that “I only think it was sexual assault because my generation has sexualized the anus” bc apparently millennials invented anal sex. Don’t tell history!

Am I wrong to feel violated by this?

[Anonymous]

I knew someone whose kid had this problem. The kid refused to poop and then it would be like a rock and would really hurt her and I think she would bleed too. So the mom held her down and pushed capsules of something up her butt regularly. (Not in front of visitors but we were good friends and she told me). I really don't think she saw it as sexual abuse, just helping her daughter in the easy way she was told how. It seemed messed up to me but the whole place was (broken home with some physical and a lot of verbal abuse) but they didn’t see the connection with the mental trauma. And this was the 2000s. The whole family definitely needed help but nobody saw it as sexual. Not sure if that helps you or not.

[Anonymous]

Suppositories or enemas to treat a health condition that if left untreated can have fatal results (blockage) is not sexual abuse. Unfortunately how the medical treatment was provided seems like it was traumatic for you. That can be the case for many invasive medical procedures. But it isn’t sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

It's not sexual and it's not medical abuse. At the time, enemas were probably what they thought was best for constipation, which can turn into something quite dangerous. That said, I can imagine it certainly did feel violating and I can see why there is a comparison. you can feel violated but it not be sexual. It sounds like youve had quite a bit of trauma in your life. Have you seen a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I remember this happening to my cousin's child a couple decades ago! Her husband is a GI doctor, so the pediatrician told him he should just do it. He thought that was a bad idea for the reason you cite. That a doctor or at least the mom should do it, not the dad. But he did it anyway against his instinct and regretted it. Felt she was acting differently towards him for weeks after. They have a good relationship now, tho, doesn't seem to be lasting harm.

So yeah, I think you are right to feel violated. BUT you should know that this was common, at least back then, that pediatricians recommend parents do this to their children! I don't know if it still is. But I dont think you should hold this against your mom - she as doing what the doctor told her to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suppositories or enemas to treat a health condition that if left untreated can have fatal results (blockage) is not sexual abuse. Unfortunately how the medical treatment was provided seems like it was traumatic for you. That can be the case for many invasive medical procedures. But it isn’t sexual abuse.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suppositories or enemas to treat a health condition that if left untreated can have fatal results (blockage) is not sexual abuse. Unfortunately how the medical treatment was provided seems like it was traumatic for you. That can be the case for many invasive medical procedures. But it isn’t sexual abuse.

This. I’m sorry you went through this, but I had a child with constipation and needed to give her an enema once. Severe constipation is very difficult to treat.

[Anonymous]

Medical treatment practices are always changing.

My mom had a hysterectomy in her 50s for a condition that I managed at the same age without a surgery. She was then given hormone replacements which are now thought to shorten one's lifespan.

In the 1950s, my dad was almost given radiation therapy for tonsilitis.

In the 1970s and beyond, rectal thermometers were common to use with kids up to toddler age. Plus they were breakable glass and filled with mercury. Most people use ear scans now.

Back in the 1970s and 1980s, I also remember a lot more emphasis on douching. I don't think it's as common now. Or at least not as prominently advertised. Because it's mostly unnecessary, even irritating.

What is normal medically does change over time. Also, it was harder to spread information and research before the internet got widespread. And, it's known that what medical standards are in use vary regionally. Some people accept what their doctors tell them to do, very uncritically.

So those are some examples of things that would support that the treatment protocol might have been ineffective and unpleasant but not inherently designed to be abusive.

[Anonymous]

Medical doctors never treat root causes of anything, back then or even now.

[Anonymous]

I mean you did this to yourself, so no, this wasn't abuse.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you're looking for a reason to be a victim and feel traumatized.
Your mom likely isn't the narcissist.
You are and probably have a plethora of untreated mental illnesses.

[Anonymous]

People still give constipated kids suppositories. Would you have preferred to become so backed up your intestine burst? This may have felt violating, but it was not any form of abuse. If you had bent over and cooperated, she wouldn’t have had to hold you down. Better yet, just poop like a normal person.

[Anonymous]

I mean ... even if your mom HAD gotten a second opinion it doesn't mean that second doctor would have researched and found the studies from the 1970's.

Listen I grew up in a time when your temperature was taken with a thermometer up the ass. I greatly disliked it and sometimes cried but I was not being sexually abused.

I don't think you were sexually abused. I am not sure why you're calling your mom a narcissist - are you a qualified psychologist who diagnosed her as one? Of course it would be unethical to evaluate your own mother, so....

[Anonymous]

It was traumatic. Not sounding like sexual abuse. It could absolutely feel like a violation. Guessing you were both pretty elevated emotionally at the time and that could be traumatic and stored as well.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, that sounds traumatizing, and you can certainly feel abused even if it was not meant to be abuse. When you say your mom should have realized her not wanting to do it meant to get a second opinion, I think to your mom, this literally was not sexual at all. It was no different than holding down a wiggly child during a diaper change or holding a crying child so they could get a shot. If you had a good and loving relationship with her, perhaps you would be more accepting of that "it hurt me more than it hurt you" type of mentality, but it sounds like she has been abusive and difficult in other ways so it's all the more traumatizing. I don't think you'll ever get the reaction you want from her. At least you were able to see in the literature that there are others like you out there... cold comfort, I guess, but I think your feelings are both valid and misplaced. It's just a bad situation, like if you had diabetes and your mom had to check your blood sugar, except it happened to be in a very sensitive bodily area.