Is couples therapy a sham for some ?

[Anonymous]

Based on my experience and my friend’s:

Is couple therapy not helpful in some circumstances —when there is a dominant personality, for instance? Can’t they just take over and control that sphere too?

Thoughts? Guidance or criteria on when it’s useful. Please don’t focus on “abuse” This is about more subtle behaviors that mess up relationships and their chance of success.

[Anonymous]

The therapy itself isn’t a sham but it isn’t helpful when a partner is abusive or unable to accept responsibility for actions due to a personality disorder or other circumstances like an affair that the partner intends to continue. Therapists usually will not work with such clients.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am talking about therapy with dominant or domineering personalities. Once you talk about abuse, all subtly is lost. I am looking for criteria to evaluate when couple therapy will be fruitful.

I was the domineering personality. I wasted or controlled the seasons. I am now watching my friend go through it (She is an engineer who is nit picking and focusing her grievances. She leans toward becoming the “victim”). We both had poor parent modeling. I can’t help by draw similarities between me and her.

I see pattern. I want to help her.

[Anonymous]

A skilled therapist is able to manage dominant personalities and break through resistance. You might try watching Couples Therapy on Showtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on my experience and my friend’s:

Is couple therapy not helpful in some circumstances —when there is a dominant personality, for instance? Can’t they just take over and control that sphere too?

Thoughts? Guidance or criteria on when it’s useful. Please don’t focus on “abuse” This is about more subtle behaviors that mess up relationships and their chance of success.

Often the person "taking over" is the one that actually wants it to work. And therapists are so dishonest just to take money that they will let any dysfunction just go and act like it's normal. A good therapist would try to bring out both sides equally but most just pretend like there is nothing they can do and collect a check. My ex was a covert narcissist who was sleeping around with multiple people and taking money and when confronted said he was depressed and so we went to couples counseling to see if we could be happier together because he said he wanted to stop cheating. During each session rather than bringing up issues he would explain to the therapist that we were doing great and he was very happy. He would never address issues, rarely talk, never do the counselors homework and would just try to get out of making an effort by pretending all was well. It was so obviously not well except for that maybe he was happier that he could prolong using me with this therapy. The counselor was found by him which was a mistake. I think this guy was someone these men found to give their spouses around and it was so obvious the therapist was a scammed because he never asked my ex to do the homework or even do it on the spot in the session. Sure I was talking more but that was because he could only say so much without giving away that therapy was just a diversions tactic.

[Anonymous]

Meant to say give their spouses a run around

[Anonymous]

OP to your point though I should have been quieter earlier because those first few months when I was talking the most he was able to just sit back and let the abuse continue. It did help me figure out what was wrong with me as a personality and what I wanted out of a relationship though so it had some personal growth in it for me, but being quiet would have allowed me to better see the extent to which I was bring played. I fell for the whole I'm bisexual and confused and depressed line when in fact eventually I found out he had been a closeted homosexual the entire marriage and I was just being used all those years for money and for image and kids.

[Anonymous]

Ideally in therapy you talk through your own issues, your partners own issues, and issues as a couple. If you aren't doing that then the therapist is just collecting a check IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP to your point though I should have been quieter earlier because those first few months when I was talking the most he was able to just sit back and let the abuse continue. It did help me figure out what was wrong with me as a personality and what I wanted out of a relationship though so it had some personal growth in it for me, but being quiet would have allowed me to better see the extent to which I was bring played. I fell for the whole I'm bisexual and confused and depressed line when in fact eventually I found out he had been a closeted homosexual the entire marriage and I was just being used all those years for money and for image and kids.

Ugh, but interesting insights. And those insights came years after the sessions? … positive, I guess? I liked how you phrased “wrong me with me as a personality.” Here here I love that - OP.

[Anonymous]

I think people on DCUM expect therapists to be Sherlock Holmes level investigators who can deduce from regular conversations that their husbands are cheating and have no intention to stop.

How can a therapist do that? The therapist is there to help you talk through problems, not solve them FOR you. There is an expectation of good faith that both parties are there to do the work to save the marriage.

Of course everyone including the therapist knows that this is often not the case but it is not the therapist’s job to read your husband’s mind and figure this out. Life is not TV.

As for OP’s question, same: you have to do the work. Both parties.

[Anonymous]

It was a waste for us. Did it for 2 years b/c of his low drive/lack of initiation and the impact on my self esteem. DH has bad anxiety and really pushed for counseling but it didn’t change anything. I think it became the way he was could say he “was trying” so that he didn’t actually have to “try”.

[Anonymous]

Therapy is great. However, these days people are overdoing it. I think it started with COVID. Everything therapy. Couples should not underestimate their own ability to resolve conflicts. Nowadays we have couples that rush to therapy after the first most basic argument.

[Anonymous]

I'm a therapist and I would never "just collect a check". I'm sorry some of you have had such bad experiences that you feel the need to slam all therapists. Of course there are bad/unethical ones just like in ANY profession, but most of us are good people who want to do a good job. Couples therapy where one partner dominates or doesn't want to do the work is not fun for the therapist either.

Depending on the issues involved, it can make sense for each partner to see a therapist (never the same one you see as a couple) to talk through their own issues. The couples I have seen really benefit from couples therapy are those who have a good handle on their own issues. Then we can work on identifying and changing patterns, improving communication, etc.

If you think therapists/therapy is a scam, cool, read some of the Gottman books and check out materials on their site and you'll get some great advice on improving relationships. But again, if one partner is a narcissist it's going to be difficult, maybe impossible, to change the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy works if both people are willing to change behavior but lack the tools or perspective to understand what to change or why. The therapist provides tools, perspective, a structured place to talk.
If one partner prioritizes being angry / hurt over hearing the therapist, it's not going to work. That person needs to work on their own issues first.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of very bad/ineffective therapists out there. And the thing is, to really benefit from therapy, the client kind of has to understand what they want to change and how it can change. Which is tough for most people. A very good therapist working with an evidence-baed approach can help guide the client towards goals. But if you’re just set on using therapy for purposes other than changing, it’s not gonna work.

I’m a very experienced therapy “client” and partly for that reason, I refused to go to couples therapy with my ex after things had in my opinion crossed the point of no return but we were still together. I wasn’t interested (at that point) in improving our communication as future coparents because I knew myself well enough that I had faith I could work out how to communicate with the help of my 1:1 therapists. And I did NOT want to sit in a therapy session and even for a second be put in the situation where a therapist was treating us as equally responsible for the problems. My ex’s stated motivation for therapy was that I would learn to be “nicer” to him so he would stop being a jerk to me. No thanks.

We did go to one session of so-called “discernment” therapy and the therapist was totally unable to handle my anger. Because yeah I was furious at my ex due to his behavior (long story - complete abdication of parenting/domestic responsibilities; financial issues; low-level physical abuse). And I let it out at the session and the therapist was completely useless.