Is couples therapy a sham for some ?

[Anonymous]

I think it could be effective if you both have the will and capacity to do the work.

In my case it helped me realize what a dumpster fire our marriage was. My DH could
not self-regulate enough to even listen. Nor could he do the assignments. He spent the time in session blaming and accusing me. Basically the extent of his personal mental health issues/ personality disorder was on full display. We went through five therapists. It helped me feel very resolved for the divorce, and clear that I had done everything I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A skilled therapist is able to manage dominant personalities and break through resistance. You might try watching Couples Therapy on Showtime.

No therapist has managed to do that with me. I’m a tough nut to crack. In fact, I dominated most therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it could be effective if you both have the will and capacity to do the work.

In my case it helped me realize what a dumpster fire our marriage was. My DH could
not self-regulate enough to even listen. Nor could he do the assignments. He spent the time in session blaming and accusing me. Basically the extent of his personal mental health issues/ personality disorder was on full display. We went through five therapists. It helped me feel very resolved for the divorce, and clear that I had done everything I could.

Same result here but between his neuropsych test, recommended treatments, no effort or change in his terrible habits and temper, and complete denial of his Dx and symptoms, it was 18 mos.

Kids are ok but he’s extremely hands off with their meals, lives, connections. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A skilled therapist is able to manage dominant personalities and break through resistance. You might try watching Couples Therapy on Showtime.

No therapist has managed to do that with me. I’m a tough nut to crack. In fact, I dominated most therapists.

So who stopped the sessions then, or do you keep paying? For fun?

A real therapist would have fired you and moved on to someone who wasn’t a lost cause

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it could be effective if you both have the will and capacity to do the work.

In my case it helped me realize what a dumpster fire our marriage was. My DH could
not self-regulate enough to even listen. Nor could he do the assignments. He spent the time in session blaming and accusing me. Basically the extent of his personal mental health issues/ personality disorder was on full display. We went through five therapists. It helped me feel very resolved for the divorce, and clear that I had done everything I could.

Same result here but between his neuropsych test, recommended treatments, no effort or change in his terrible habits and temper, and complete denial of his Dx and symptoms, it was 18 mos.

Kids are ok but he’s extremely hands off with their meals, lives, connections. Oh well.

Yes we are divorcing 18 months after separating. 30 after starting the couples therapy bonanza, aka flushing our savings down the drain.

It is imperative that people receive education about mental health and red flags in relationships in high school. How could I have gotten so much information about teen pregnancy and drugs and zero about this??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A skilled therapist is able to manage dominant personalities and break through resistance. You might try watching Couples Therapy on Showtime.

No therapist has managed to do that with me. I’m a tough nut to crack. In fact, I dominated most therapists.

Same.

I got my couples counselor to talk about growing up gay in the South. He is a successful counselor. It was good for me at the time but I was undermining the process. I guess subconsciously or consciously.

Another one would thank me for the information and would ask me about the books I mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A skilled therapist is able to manage dominant personalities and break through resistance. You might try watching Couples Therapy on Showtime.

No therapist has managed to do that with me. I’m a tough nut to crack. In fact, I dominated most therapists.

you didn’t “dominate” the therapist. you acted like a narcissistic fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A skilled therapist is able to manage dominant personalities and break through resistance. You might try watching Couples Therapy on Showtime.

No therapist has managed to do that with me. I’m a tough nut to crack. In fact, I dominated most therapists.

Same.

I got my couples counselor to talk about growing up gay in the South. He is a successful counselor. It was good for me at the time but I was undermining the process. I guess subconsciously or consciously.

Another one would thank me for the information and would ask me about the books I mentioned.

How is this “dominating”? And what a weird way to put it. I do know someone who was actively trying to manipulate the therapist to get advantage in eventual custody litigation. That was pretty evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A skilled therapist is able to manage dominant personalities and break through resistance. You might try watching Couples Therapy on Showtime.

No therapist has managed to do that with me. I’m a tough nut to crack. In fact, I dominated most therapists.

So who stopped the sessions then, or do you keep paying? For fun?

A real therapist would have fired you and moved on to someone who wasn’t a lost cause

I fired them actually. I pay them to produce results. You don’t deliver, you are out. Still looking for a competent therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I would never "just collect a check". I'm sorry some of you have had such bad experiences that you feel the need to slam all therapists. Of course there are bad/unethical ones just like in ANY profession, but most of us are good people who want to do a good job. Couples therapy where one partner dominates or doesn't want to do the work is not fun for the therapist either.

Depending on the issues involved, it can make sense for each partner to see a therapist (never the same one you see as a couple) to talk through their own issues. The couples I have seen really benefit from couples therapy are those who have a good handle on their own issues. Then we can work on identifying and changing patterns, improving communication, etc.

If you think therapists/therapy is a scam, cool, read some of the Gottman books and check out materials on their site and you'll get some great advice on improving relationships. But again, if one partner is a narcissist it's going to be difficult, maybe impossible, to change the dynamic.

This is the money quote.

“As a professional therapist who is totally not in it for the money, the reality is that you don’t need a therapist. You probably need 3. Not me, of course. That would be unethical. However, I can refer you to my co-scammers, er, colleagues.”

I am definitely not in it for the money - I took about a 50% pay cut to become a therapist. Therapists who accept insurance get paid relatively little. If you don't take insurance, you can make a little more but nothing compared to what most people in this area earn. I have no ill will toward those of you who hate therapists/think therapy is a scam. Clearly you have a reason to think that. Again, I'm sorry some people have had such bad experiences with therapy and I'm happy to recommend alternatives to therapy -- there are great books and podcasts out there! -- for those who don't feel it's helpful for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I would never "just collect a check". I'm sorry some of you have had such bad experiences that you feel the need to slam all therapists. Of course there are bad/unethical ones just like in ANY profession, but most of us are good people who want to do a good job. Couples therapy where one partner dominates or doesn't want to do the work is not fun for the therapist either.

Depending on the issues involved, it can make sense for each partner to see a therapist (never the same one you see as a couple) to talk through their own issues. The couples I have seen really benefit from couples therapy are those who have a good handle on their own issues. Then we can work on identifying and changing patterns, improving communication, etc.

If you think therapists/therapy is a scam, cool, read some of the Gottman books and check out materials on their site and you'll get some great advice on improving relationships. But again, if one partner is a narcissist it's going to be difficult, maybe impossible, to change the dynamic.

This is the money quote.

“As a professional therapist who is totally not in it for the money, the reality is that you don’t need a therapist. You probably need 3. Not me, of course. That would be unethical. However, I can refer you to my co-scammers, er, colleagues.”

I am definitely not in it for the money - I took about a 50% pay cut to become a therapist. Therapists who accept insurance get paid relatively little. If you don't take insurance, you can make a little more but nothing compared to what most people in this area earn. I have no ill will toward those of you who hate therapists/think therapy is a scam. Clearly you have a reason to think that. Again, I'm sorry some people have had such bad experiences with therapy and I'm happy to recommend alternatives to therapy -- there are great books and podcasts out there! -- for those who don't feel it's helpful for them.

So... you need the money?