Is couples therapy a sham for some ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am talking about therapy with dominant or domineering personalities. Once you talk about abuse, all subtly is lost. I am looking for criteria to evaluate when couple therapy will be fruitful.

I was the domineering personality. I wasted or controlled the seasons. I am now watching my friend go through it (She is an engineer who is nit picking and focusing her grievances. She leans toward becoming the “victim”). We both had poor parent modeling. I can’t help by draw similarities between me and her.

I see pattern. I want to help her.

Just be patient sir. She’ll be divorced and the. You can swoop in with all your apparent care and wisdom.

[Anonymous]

I am Op. I am a women. I definitely am a masculine type woman. (or at least that is what my age group told me). 40s.two kids. Healthy co parent relationship.

[Anonymous]

She is my college buddy, pretty sure I am hertero!

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife took us to couples therapy with a male therapist who was recommended by her lawyer (I didn't know that at the time). He was always trying to get me to say something bad, and would try to take one word I said and turn it into something it wasn't.

My wife later slept with that POS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on my experience and my friend’s:

Is couple therapy not helpful in some circumstances —when there is a dominant personality, for instance? Can’t they just take over and control that sphere too?

Thoughts? Guidance or criteria on when it’s useful. Please don’t focus on “abuse” This is about more subtle behaviors that mess up relationships and their chance of success.

Yes. This is definitely a potential issue.

I had couples therapy with a boyfriend about 25 years ago. We lived together and were trying to work some things out. He turned the sessions into his personal therapy. Each session was taken up by him going on about how stressful work was and the therapist providing support and tools for him to deal with it. The therapist caught on to it eventually, but by then the relationship was dead anyway. We broke up. Thank heavens. Bullet dodged, that guy was so self-involved and attention seeking -- yuck. And I've been happy with my DH for over 20 years and that awful guy is divorced and has a new gf every 2 years or so. Not surprising.

But yes, this can be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am talking about therapy with dominant or domineering personalities. Once you talk about abuse, all subtly is lost. I am looking for criteria to evaluate when couple therapy will be fruitful.

I was the domineering personality. I wasted or controlled the seasons. I am now watching my friend go through it (She is an engineer who is nit picking and focusing her grievances. She leans toward becoming the “victim”). We both had poor parent modeling. I can’t help by draw similarities between me and her.

I see pattern. I want to help her.

Just be patient sir. She’ll be divorced and then you can swoop in with all your apparent care and wisdom.

Lol.

Agree this is a weird post for a supposed male to write on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am talking about therapy with dominant or domineering personalities. Once you talk about abuse, all subtly is lost. I am looking for criteria to evaluate when couple therapy will be fruitful.

I was the domineering personality. I wasted or controlled the seasons. I am now watching my friend go through it (She is an engineer who is nit picking and focusing her grievances. She leans toward becoming the “victim”). We both had poor parent modeling. I can’t help by draw similarities between me and her.

I see pattern. I want to help her.

Unless you’re living with them both you’ll not know the actual pattern or dynamic.
For all you know her spouse is baiting her, super passive & quiet, escalates conflicts by ignoring them, then try’s to play the victim after she asks him the same key question 10x.

I think the best couples therapy is when they do individual sessions with each person weekly and then together once in awhile to clear things up and create accountability. What are each working on and are they working on it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on my experience and my friend’s:

Is couple therapy not helpful in some circumstances —when there is a dominant personality, for instance? Can’t they just take over and control that sphere too?

Thoughts? Guidance or criteria on when it’s useful. Please don’t focus on “abuse” This is about more subtle behaviors that mess up relationships and their chance of success.

This isn't an exact science based vaccine or antibiotic which is pretty much guaranteed to help with specific infection. It's an effort to bring a trained and neutral perspective, which may or may not help. Not all psychologists are created, talented, educated, trained and experienced equally nor all clients are equally capable of being coached equally. If that was the case, marital discord and divorces wouldn't be as prolific as they are.

[Anonymous]

OP. I am looking for criteria. A set of yes / no questions to determine whether couple therapy is suitable or has a higher or lower likelihood of success.

surely.. someone has crafted this criteria? I am not a naysayer - individual worked well and I had a positive experience with therapy.

[Anonymous]

Saying it’s not a vaccine is a cop out, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The therapy itself isn’t a sham but it isn’t helpful when a partner is abusive or unable to accept responsibility for actions due to a personality disorder or other circumstances like an affair that the partner intends to continue. Therapists usually will not work with such clients.

I had to terminate couple therapy when the therapist was unwilling to discuss how my husband’s mental health factored into our marital issues. At that point she was just taking our money for nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I am looking for criteria. A set of yes / no questions to determine whether couple therapy is suitable or has a higher or lower likelihood of success.

surely.. someone has crafted this criteria? I am not a naysayer - individual worked well and I had a positive experience with therapy.

I feel like PPs have said this, but is each person willing to:
- actually listen?
- accept that they are part of the "problem" dynamic?
- forgive the other partner and let go of being aggrieved?
- change behavior even if their way is "right"?
- change how they feel about the other's behavior, i.e., decide to let something go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapy itself isn’t a sham but it isn’t helpful when a partner is abusive or unable to accept responsibility for actions due to a personality disorder or other circumstances like an affair that the partner intends to continue. Therapists usually will not work with such clients.

I had to terminate couple therapy when the therapist was unwilling to discuss how my husband’s mental health factored into our marital issues. At that point she was just taking our money for nothing.

How did the therapist react when you brought that up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I am looking for criteria. A set of yes / no questions to determine whether couple therapy is suitable or has a higher or lower likelihood of success.

surely.. someone has crafted this criteria? I am not a naysayer - individual worked well and I had a positive experience with therapy.

I feel like PPs have said this, but is each person willing to:
- actually listen?
- accept that they are part of the "problem" dynamic?
- forgive the other partner and let go of being aggrieved?
- change behavior even if their way is "right"?
- change how they feel about the other's behavior, i.e., decide to let something go?

Nah, This is OP. That is WAY too loose. I am not trained in this field at all. This }%^ is off the top of my head. Criteria Id want:
1. Each willing to sign a contract to work on identified behaviors 1-3 / week. As set by therapist. That means genuine efforts measured by therapist
(or subject to termination) . Some items can be continuous . Spouse is not allowed to grade or judge but may listen to the others descriptions of efforts, without judgment.

2. Each willing to take individual sessions. (subject to termination by therapist)

3. Each willing to agree on agendas at the top of each session and not deviate from those unless two parties agree (subject to termination)

etc

The accountability is where the therapist threatens to bail if they don’t take it seriously. This is with little preparation… It’s like Kaizen for Couples (maybe?). Surely SOMEONE a has come up with criteria or couples agreements ? Is it all open ended and subjective ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I am looking for criteria. A set of yes / no questions to determine whether couple therapy is suitable or has a higher or lower likelihood of success.

surely.. someone has crafted this criteria? I am not a naysayer - individual worked well and I had a positive experience with therapy.

I feel like PPs have said this, but is each person willing to:
- actually listen?
- accept that they are part of the "problem" dynamic?
- forgive the other partner and let go of being aggrieved?
- change behavior even if their way is "right"?
- change how they feel about the other's behavior, i.e., decide to let something go?

Nah, This is OP. That is WAY too loose. I am not trained in this field at all. This }%^ is off the top of my head. Criteria Id want:
1. Each willing to sign a contract to work on identified behaviors 1-3 / week. As set by therapist. That means genuine efforts measured by therapist
(or subject to termination) . Some items can be continuous . Spouse is not allowed to grade or judge but may listen to the others descriptions of efforts, without judgment.

2. Each willing to take individual sessions. (subject to termination by therapist)

3. Each willing to agree on agendas at the top of each session and not deviate from those unless two parties agree (subject to termination)

etc

The accountability is where the therapist threatens to bail if they don’t take it seriously. This is with little preparation… It’s like Kaizen for Couples (maybe?). Surely SOMEONE a has come up with criteria or couples agreements ? Is it all open ended and subjective ?

You really don’t understand therapy.