Is couples therapy a sham for some ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Unfortunately, this was my experience. Perfect description.

I did not find the meetings helpful. We were both entrenched in our positions. No way one hour a week was enough time! I also sensed an underlying agenda (subconsciously) by my ex. I could have been right but who knows?

The only time we had success was when we were interviewing counselors. It was not by design: One poor man was such a flake that we laughed afterwards at the awkwardness and held hands on our way to the McClean metro before work. That was the final breath of our marriage.

The rest of the sessions with the another person we found were unproductive. She was a top SME but we were a lost cause.

If anything it gave me hope when I should have started preparing my future and more importantly my mindset for divorce and life separation from the man I married some 15 years prior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

wow you sound like a winner! I definitely believe you’re a reliable narrator.

I dunno if I’m a winner but I’m still married and my wife was surprised to hear that she was the one being problematic by being inflexible and close minded. I’m not gloating, the whole exercise was a waste of time, I always knew that that communication and compromise will get you where you want to go.

So, ladies, be careful what you wish for.

yeah I’m sure the therapist told her she was all in the wrong and uyou were all in the right.

if you were so “sure” about communication and compromise, why couldn’t you do it prior to therapy?

The therapist obviously didn’t say it that bluntly because that would have saved a lot of time and money. There are obvious solutions to most problems in a marriage - communication and compromise - but therapists don’t get paid if they tell you that right away. It took a couple grand for my wife to finally drag it out or the therapist and it was couched in a lot of bs therapy speak. But we (not the therapist) sat down and talked and she said she realized she thought the therapist was going to instruct me to listen to my wife more and stop arguing but she realized that I was trying hard to compromise - that because of her own parents relationship she thought of everything too black and white and that I was giving grey, blah blah blah

I did communicate and compromise before therapy - it was my wife that had the problem. She was surprised to learn that.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing this so we can learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for sharing this so we can learn.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

wow you sound like a winner! I definitely believe you’re a reliable narrator.

I dunno if I’m a winner but I’m still married and my wife was surprised to hear that she was the one being problematic by being inflexible and close minded. I’m not gloating, the whole exercise was a waste of time, I always knew that that communication and compromise will get you where you want to go.

So, ladies, be careful what you wish for.

yeah I’m sure the therapist told her she was all in the wrong and uyou were all in the right.

if you were so “sure” about communication and compromise, why couldn’t you do it prior to therapy?

The therapist obviously didn’t say it that bluntly because that would have saved a lot of time and money. There are obvious solutions to most problems in a marriage - communication and compromise - but therapists don’t get paid if they tell you that right away. It took a couple grand for my wife to finally drag it out or the therapist and it was couched in a lot of bs therapy speak. But we (not the therapist) sat down and talked and she said she realized she thought the therapist was going to instruct me to listen to my wife more and stop arguing but she realized that I was trying hard to compromise - that because of her own parents relationship she thought of everything too black and white and that I was giving grey, blah blah blah

I did communicate and compromise before therapy - it was my wife that had the problem. She was surprised to learn that.

Are you honestly still on here saying it was entirely your wife’s problem? And you had no possible way to exercise your wonderful communication and compromise skills until the therapist set your wife straight? Lol dude.

[Anonymous]

It’s okay for him to have his perspective! Lordy knows I have mine on what happened. Years later I actually don’t know for sure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay for him to have his perspective! Lordy knows I have mine on what happened. Years later I actually don’t know for sure!

His perspective that he was right all along and the therapist convinced his wife of that is suspect, to say the least!

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s a sham and a scam most of the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

wow you sound like a winner! I definitely believe you’re a reliable narrator.

I dunno if I’m a winner but I’m still married and my wife was surprised to hear that she was the one being problematic by being inflexible and close minded. I’m not gloating, the whole exercise was a waste of time, I always knew that that communication and compromise will get you where you want to go.

So, ladies, be careful what you wish for.

yeah I’m sure the therapist told her she was all in the wrong and uyou were all in the right.

if you were so “sure” about communication and compromise, why couldn’t you do it prior to therapy?

The therapist obviously didn’t say it that bluntly because that would have saved a lot of time and money. There are obvious solutions to most problems in a marriage - communication and compromise - but therapists don’t get paid if they tell you that right away. It took a couple grand for my wife to finally drag it out or the therapist and it was couched in a lot of bs therapy speak. But we (not the therapist) sat down and talked and she said she realized she thought the therapist was going to instruct me to listen to my wife more and stop arguing but she realized that I was trying hard to compromise - that because of her own parents relationship she thought of everything too black and white and that I was giving grey, blah blah blah

I did communicate and compromise before therapy - it was my wife that had the problem. She was surprised to learn that.

Are you honestly still on here saying it was entirely your wife’s problem? And you had no possible way to exercise your wonderful communication and compromise skills until the therapist set your wife straight? Lol dude.

I mean she honestly believed the problem was that I just didn’t do everything she wanted, and you would’ve believed that.

There are problems that are one-sided and sometimes one person is actually wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay for him to have his perspective! Lordy knows I have mine on what happened. Years later I actually don’t know for sure!

His perspective that he was right all along and the therapist convinced his wife of that is suspect, to say the least!

That is not how I read it. Some people are very stubborn during therapy and are not ready to consider other perspectives. That is what this dude is saying. Maybe you have never been through that ?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think there is a tendency to tiptoe around the one holding the insurance and copay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I would never "just collect a check". I'm sorry some of you have had such bad experiences that you feel the need to slam all therapists. Of course there are bad/unethical ones just like in ANY profession, but most of us are good people who want to do a good job. Couples therapy where one partner dominates or doesn't want to do the work is not fun for the therapist either.

Depending on the issues involved, it can make sense for each partner to see a therapist (never the same one you see as a couple) to talk through their own issues. The couples I have seen really benefit from couples therapy are those who have a good handle on their own issues. Then we can work on identifying and changing patterns, improving communication, etc.

If you think therapists/therapy is a scam, cool, read some of the Gottman books and check out materials on their site and you'll get some great advice on improving relationships. But again, if one partner is a narcissist it's going to be difficult, maybe impossible, to change the dynamic.

This is the money quote.

“As a professional therapist who is totally not in it for the money, the reality is that you don’t need a therapist. You probably need 3. Not me, of course. That would be unethical. However, I can refer you to my co-scammers, er, colleagues.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I would never "just collect a check". I'm sorry some of you have had such bad experiences that you feel the need to slam all therapists. Of course there are bad/unethical ones just like in ANY profession, but most of us are good people who want to do a good job. Couples therapy where one partner dominates or doesn't want to do the work is not fun for the therapist either.

Depending on the issues involved, it can make sense for each partner to see a therapist (never the same one you see as a couple) to talk through their own issues. The couples I have seen really benefit from couples therapy are those who have a good handle on their own issues. Then we can work on identifying and changing patterns, improving communication, etc.

If you think therapists/therapy is a scam, cool, read some of the Gottman books and check out materials on their site and you'll get some great advice on improving relationships. But again, if one partner is a narcissist it's going to be difficult, maybe impossible, to change the dynamic.

This is the money quote.

“As a professional therapist who is totally not in it for the money, the reality is that you don’t need a therapist. You probably need 3. Not me, of course. That would be unethical. However, I can refer you to my co-scammers, er, colleagues.”

“Of course, if you’re not committed to doing everything possible to save the marriage and this is just a box-checking exercise, sure, you can just go with one.”

[Anonymous]

OP here. This thread has taken a humorous turn. I have given up on my friend. I am pretty sure she is set on being the victim (her latest prompted a quickly eye-roll, which was invisible over the phone). Meanwhile, I witnessed her interact poorly with husband when we all hung out. (I knew the hubby in college too). She seems really blind to her part of the problem.

My friend is making her couples therapy prioritize HER perceived issues.


It’s not a sham but it can be manipulated. And I think some therapists allow themselves to be manipulated. A LOT of do-gooders are naïve. The less articulate spouse looses. In this case, it’s the busy dad working his tail off.

[Anonymous]

*By “do-gooders” I mean the well-meaning therapist.

To add: The oddest thing about my friend is that she actually desperately wants to stay in the marriage. I guess she will try to carry that solo.