Is couples therapy a sham for some ?

[Anonymous]

Maybe I am thinking of really unhealthy couples coming in for the first session!

[Anonymous]

couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

[Anonymous]

Or better yet, They simple and nod. Then never say or do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I am looking for criteria. A set of yes / no questions to determine whether couple therapy is suitable or has a higher or lower likelihood of success.

surely.. someone has crafted this criteria? I am not a naysayer - individual worked well and I had a positive experience with therapy.

I feel like PPs have said this, but is each person willing to:
- actually listen?
- accept that they are part of the "problem" dynamic?
- forgive the other partner and let go of being aggrieved?
- change behavior even if their way is "right"?
- change how they feel about the other's behavior, i.e., decide to let something go?

Nah, This is OP. That is WAY too loose. I am not trained in this field at all. This }%^ is off the top of my head. Criteria Id want:
1. Each willing to sign a contract to work on identified behaviors 1-3 / week. As set by therapist. That means genuine efforts measured by therapist
(or subject to termination) . Some items can be continuous . Spouse is not allowed to grade or judge but may listen to the others descriptions of efforts, without judgment.

2. Each willing to take individual sessions. (subject to termination by therapist)

3. Each willing to agree on agendas at the top of each session and not deviate from those unless two parties agree (subject to termination)

etc

The accountability is where the therapist threatens to bail if they don’t take it seriously. This is with little preparation… It’s like Kaizen for Couples (maybe?). Surely SOMEONE a has come up with criteria or couples agreements ? Is it all open ended and subjective ?

No, you do not write a contract with your spouse and have the therapist enforce it. You are way off base.

Also, this is not even your relationship! This is you trying to suggest (??) a weird contract for somebody else's marriage counseling because you think she's doing it wrong, I guess based on what she's saying since you aren't there. You need to butt out.

[Anonymous]

It is helpful for some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

You're right! There are indeed lots of dumb, slow ways to do something. At work such inefficient, unproductive people get fired. And the smart, efficient, productive ones get bigger and better opportunities. At home the lazy, dumb people get relgated to the sidelines to fondle their iPhones and tag along with the active people.

I bet you also believe there are no dumb acts or decisions, actually only "accidents." Nope. Sorry. Dumb judgement and dumb decisions are just that, dumb. And SAFETY IS NO ACCIDENT.

[Anonymous]

Sorry lady, it was an accident. I put the fragile glass wedding gift in the checked luggage and not my carry on. So what. It was an accident. I did nothing wrong. Tell the therapist. I had a different view than you. So what. It was an accident. Accidents happen to everyone. Just like Momma always said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

wow you sound like a winner! I definitely believe you’re a reliable narrator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry lady, it was an accident. I put the fragile glass wedding gift in the checked luggage and not my carry on. So what. It was an accident. I did nothing wrong. Tell the therapist. I had a different view than you. So what. It was an accident. Accidents happen to everyone. Just like Momma always said.

I know this is ironic, but it’s really an example of something (good) therapy could hopefully address. Some people really are just dumbsh*ts when it comes to figuring out practical things like, don’t put the waterford crystal in the check-in bag. The thing to work out is, how do you deal with this? The non-dumbsh*t parter needs to accept that they married. bit of an idiot, but also that this person has good qualities, and that they have their own flaws. The dumbsh*t partner needs to accept they are a dummy and never (within reason) resist instruction on practical matters. And figure out ways to address the situation when they wreck something.

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy where one part of the couple is abusive, domineering or manipulative is unethical. Couples therapy in this setting is a scam in the sense that the therapist should be clear that couples therapy is not appropriate and each person should be seeing an individual therapist. A therapist who continues couples therapy with an abuser is being unethical. In fairness, it may take a few sessions to figure it out, but it should take long. That therapist needs to move quickly to individual sessions to help be clear with the victim and support the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or better yet, They simple and nod. Then never say or do anything.

Yep, they go for a session once every year or 2, to fake making an effort, usually while covering for an affair.
If your spouse doesn't commit to at least 5 sessions in a row, and stays superficial with it, you should be concerned (I learned the hard way)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

wow you sound like a winner! I definitely believe you’re a reliable narrator.

I dunno if I’m a winner but I’m still married and my wife was surprised to hear that she was the one being problematic by being inflexible and close minded. I’m not gloating, the whole exercise was a waste of time, I always knew that that communication and compromise will get you where you want to go.

So, ladies, be careful what you wish for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

wow you sound like a winner! I definitely believe you’re a reliable narrator.

I dunno if I’m a winner but I’m still married and my wife was surprised to hear that she was the one being problematic by being inflexible and close minded. I’m not gloating, the whole exercise was a waste of time, I always knew that that communication and compromise will get you where you want to go.

So, ladies, be careful what you wish for.

yeah I’m sure the therapist told her she was all in the wrong and uyou were all in the right.

if you were so “sure” about communication and compromise, why couldn’t you do it prior to therapy?