Feeling shame for wanting sex without relationships

[Anonymous]

I’m struggling a lot with feelings of shame around wanting sex but not relationships with men (yes I did grow up Catholic lol).

I’m divorced and finally feel some freedom in life and would like to make use of it. I don’t want to settle down with anyone and my schedule is hectic so to me, if I want to hit it and quit it to satisfy my urges why not? I’ve finally realized what a beautiful and special gift sexuality is.

Problem is I have intense fear of being judged by others, men and women alike. I know it shouldn’t matter what other people think but how do I realistically deal with this?

[Anonymous]

One can say it is a good time to be a woman. I think the stigma around women sleeping around like men is gone.

[Anonymous]

Morally it's fine, imo, You're single. But it will drag you down. It will chip away at your soul.

[Anonymous]

How many people do you plan to tell about your casual sex life?

[Anonymous]

you know, i have - and i am not kidding - the opposite problem. now that i am married and have kids it's not a problem, but when i was younger i had zero desire to be sexual unless in a relationship (and no sex unless quite seriuous). I say, you do you, just be safe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m struggling a lot with feelings of shame around wanting sex but not relationships with men (yes I did grow up Catholic lol).

I’m divorced and finally feel some freedom in life and would like to make use of it. I don’t want to settle down with anyone and my schedule is hectic so to me, if I want to hit it and quit it to satisfy my urges why not? I’ve finally realized what a beautiful and special gift sexuality is.

Problem is I have intense fear of being judged by others, men and women alike. I know it shouldn’t matter what other people think but how do I realistically deal with this?

I wouldn’t worry, as a woman and a lapsed Catholic, you’ll quickly find these sort of couplings won’t satisfy you physically or emotionally. Have fun and be careful to use condoms in the interim.

[Anonymous]

OP: the way to deal with this is to find a good therapist who can help you overcome the shame.

But also talk through whether perhaps the shame is revealing itself not because you think anyone will actually judge you - but perhaps because what you want is coming into conflict with other values you hold. And only you can decide which part of you, which part of your self-conception and idea of what makes a good life, should take precedence.

[Anonymous]

All that matters is that all parties are communicating respectfully and are on the same page.

I also have a rule about not sleeping with anyone not in a relationship for more than three months. I think if it goes on longer than that, you’re in a relationship, it’s just a bad one. And “three months” is like, not seeing each other often. If you’re seeing each other a lot, it should be shorter.

That’s a personal rule though, just something that worked well for me in my wild youth. Straight woman, btw. Happily married now.

[Anonymous]

PP and I totally disagree with the others that this isn’t fulfilling. It’s maybe not fulfilling to sleep with people you don’t like and it’s certainly going to feel bad to be deceptive, but a casual fling where everyone is getting what they want can be so delightful!

Think of it this way, you’re having a full relationship with the person. It’s just not the same kind as a committed dating relationship in pursuit of marriage. You’re enjoying each other on different terms. What will hurt your soul is if it’s not actually what you or they want or have agreed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and I totally disagree with the others that this isn’t fulfilling. It’s maybe not fulfilling to sleep with people you don’t like and it’s certainly going to feel bad to be deceptive, but a casual fling where everyone is getting what they want can be so delightful!

Think of it this way, you’re having a full relationship with the person. It’s just not the same kind as a committed dating relationship in pursuit of marriage. You’re enjoying each other on different terms. What will hurt your soul is if it’s not actually what you or they want or have agreed to.

Thank you for saying this PP! I’m so tired of people saying or telling me that it’s unfulfilling, will drain my soul blah blah.

The last guy I had a thing with had all these hang ups about religion and stuff and kept telling me I deserved better and I should know my worth. I just wanted to have some fun with him and he was such a stick in the mud, it really turned me off. I felt very judged (and rejected) even though he was doing the exact same as me but not judging himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many people do you plan to tell about your casual sex life?

I mean I don’t want my partners to judge me. Because I’ve encountered men who think that way about women yet don’t hold the double standard for men about casual sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and I totally disagree with the others that this isn’t fulfilling. It’s maybe not fulfilling to sleep with people you don’t like and it’s certainly going to feel bad to be deceptive, but a casual fling where everyone is getting what they want can be so delightful!

Think of it this way, you’re having a full relationship with the person. It’s just not the same kind as a committed dating relationship in pursuit of marriage. You’re enjoying each other on different terms. What will hurt your soul is if it’s not actually what you or they want or have agreed to.

Many women don’t truly enjoy “casual flings” unless by hindsight or if you’re a young co-ed. Women barely manage to climax with a regular partner, let alone a series of ONS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: the way to deal with this is to find a good therapist who can help you overcome the shame.

But also talk through whether perhaps the shame is revealing itself not because you think anyone will actually judge you - but perhaps because what you want is coming into conflict with other values you hold. And only you can decide which part of you, which part of your self-conception and idea of what makes a good life, should take precedence.

Thank you for your thoughtful response PP. I think part of my internal conflict is my “shoulds”—that I should want a relationship, that I shouldn’t have sex without being in one, that I should wait and be exclusive, etc…when really I don’t want these. I mean, ideally monogamous but realistically not so easy especially with my time constraints during this season of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: the way to deal with this is to find a good therapist who can help you overcome the shame.

But also talk through whether perhaps the shame is revealing itself not because you think anyone will actually judge you - but perhaps because what you want is coming into conflict with other values you hold. And only you can decide which part of you, which part of your self-conception and idea of what makes a good life, should take precedence.

Thank you for your thoughtful response PP. I think part of my internal conflict is my “shoulds”—that I should want a relationship, that I shouldn’t have sex without being in one, that I should wait and be exclusive, etc…when really I don’t want these. I mean, ideally monogamous but realistically not so easy especially with my time constraints during this season of life.

I think what you are experiencing right now is just what it is to be human! I should be more ambitious in my job - but I like having lots of free time. And I have conflicted feelings about how to navigate these competing wants.

It is normal to feel conflicted. Life is hard and we have lots of things going on that don't always make for easy answers.

If your analytical brain and your emotional brain right now are telling you that what you need is some godda** fun, then I think you should listen to them. It might also be that this feels really transgressive and it'll take a little while for you to either incorporate it into your view of yourself - as normal - or to decide it's not what you want after all.

Life is full of things we try and evaluate to see if this is what we want to do or if we want to try something else. Give yourself that freedom, I would say. But also do have someone you can talk to about how it makes you feel and what it makes you think.

[Anonymous]

I’m In the same boat and I have a divorced guy friend who feels the same way. Once every 2-3 weeks we get together and it’s great as it works for both of us. We have agree to be exclusive and also agreed to be honest if one of us wants to opt out. Neither of us are LTR material for the other and that helps. It’s so much better than ONS so I consider myself very lucky.