Feeling shame for wanting sex without relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: the way to deal with this is to find a good therapist who can help you overcome the shame.

But also talk through whether perhaps the shame is revealing itself not because you think anyone will actually judge you - but perhaps because what you want is coming into conflict with other values you hold. And only you can decide which part of you, which part of your self-conception and idea of what makes a good life, should take precedence.

Thank you for your thoughtful response PP. I think part of my internal conflict is my “shoulds”—that I should want a relationship, that I shouldn’t have sex without being in one, that I should wait and be exclusive, etc…when really I don’t want these. I mean, ideally monogamous but realistically not so easy especially with my time constraints during this season of life.

What season of life are you in? I feel like worrying about whether others will judge you for your reasonable sexual desires is a young thing. By middle age I decided I really didn’t care about such things. It’s freeing. Be monogamous or celibate or do everything and everyone you want, just be happy with you.

[Anonymous]

OP here—I guess I’m in the still insecure and second-guessing everything stage.

[Anonymous]

You only live once. Do what your heart desires.

Your sex life is private. People would only know if you share.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if your sex life isn't hurting anyone (yourself included) then it's no ones business. And unless you want to tell people about it, you don't have to.

Tons of husbands on DCUM are always doing sick things behind their wives back, it's fine fo ryou, a single woman to do whatever.

[Anonymous]

Tons of wives on DCUM are doing sick things behind their husbands back...my wife did to me.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if your sex life isn't hurting anyone (yourself included) then it's no ones business. And unless you want to tell people about it, you don't have to.

Tons of husbands on DCUM are always doing sick things behind their wives back, it's fine fo ryou, a single woman to do whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tons of wives on DCUM are doing sick things behind their husbands back...my wife did to me.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if your sex life isn't hurting anyone (yourself included) then it's no ones business. And unless you want to tell people about it, you don't have to.

Tons of husbands on DCUM are always doing sick things behind their wives back, it's fine fo ryou, a single woman to do whatever.

what did she do?

[Anonymous]

Don't feel guilty about what you do as long as the partner isn't married and cheating. But it's ok to keep certain details to yourself if you think certain people in your life will judge you. Everyone doesn't deserve to know everything you do. Some of the best sex I have had in my life is with people who weren't long term partners. Some people are great in bed but not suited to feel your long term person, and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and I totally disagree with the others that this isn’t fulfilling. It’s maybe not fulfilling to sleep with people you don’t like and it’s certainly going to feel bad to be deceptive, but a casual fling where everyone is getting what they want can be so delightful!

Think of it this way, you’re having a full relationship with the person. It’s just not the same kind as a committed dating relationship in pursuit of marriage. You’re enjoying each other on different terms. What will hurt your soul is if it’s not actually what you or they want or have agreed to.

New poster with a note of caution re: the bold. Two people can agree to a relationship which is clearly, explicitly and intentionally just for sex, and then the sex can lead to development of emotions--if not romantic love, at least an attachment which goes beyond exchanging sexual pleasure. That can end up complicating the just-for-sex understanding between them. Especially if the attachment is only on one side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't feel guilty about what you do as long as the partner isn't married and cheating. But it's ok to keep certain details to yourself if you think certain people in your life will judge you. Everyone doesn't deserve to know everything you do. Some of the best sex I have had in my life is with people who weren't long term partners. Some people are great in bed but not suited to feel your long term person, and that's ok.

OP, please heed the first line above and do due diligence to be sure that men you sleep with aren't married or in committed relationships. So many men lie in online dating profiles and then continue to lie after meeting in person and having sex with women who assume they're unattached. Don't become an inadvertent "other woman" or one night stand because a man lied to both you and someone whose relationship with him was supposed to involve both sex and love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here—I guess I’m in the still insecure and second-guessing everything stage.

Please require STI tests of your partners. There was a thread recently here about STI testing. And there are anti-testing trolls on DCUM who insist it's not necessary. But STIs have increased hugely in the past few years. Please don't end up with one because you trusted a partner's word, especially when you are having sex with someone whom you haven't had to get to know personally before sleeping together. I am NOT saying that as judgement on your desires, OP, let me be very clear about that! I'm saying--be safe, every single time, even if that means delaying sex initially for testing.

[Anonymous]

How old are you, OP? You didn't respond. I wonder where women even find that many men that would be f...able just for sex. It's super hard to find someone I'm attracted to in 40-50s age group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't feel guilty about what you do as long as the partner isn't married and cheating. But it's ok to keep certain details to yourself if you think certain people in your life will judge you. Everyone doesn't deserve to know everything you do. Some of the best sex I have had in my life is with people who weren't long term partners. Some people are great in bed but not suited to feel your long term person, and that's ok.

OP, please heed the first line above and do due diligence to be sure that men you sleep with aren't married or in committed relationships. So many men lie in online dating profiles and then continue to lie after meeting in person and having sex with women who assume they're unattached. Don't become an inadvertent "other woman" or one night stand because a man lied to both you and someone whose relationship with him was supposed to involve both sex and love.

Yea, OP thinks she's a femme fatale, but in reality she's just being used for ONS by a bunch of jerks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here—I guess I’m in the still insecure and second-guessing everything stage.

Nobody cares about your sex life. You also should not tell people. Want what you want. No one cares. You are well past 20s when judgment matters. You are not a virgin. No one gives a crap. And the men you sleep with certainly won't judge.

-signed mid40s divorced woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here—I guess I’m in the still insecure and second-guessing everything stage.

Please require STI tests of your partners. There was a thread recently here about STI testing. And there are anti-testing trolls on DCUM who insist it's not necessary. But STIs have increased hugely in the past few years. Please don't end up with one because you trusted a partner's word, especially when you are having sex with someone whom you haven't had to get to know personally before sleeping together. I am NOT saying that as judgement on your desires, OP, let me be very clear about that! I'm saying--be safe, every single time, even if that means delaying sex initially for testing.

There is no anti-STI testing on the site that I have read. I feel like you are referring to a post I commented on and misinterpreted it here. One STD test is not the norm to test for unless you have symptoms (HSV2 for herpes)--just that herpes is not a usual one to get checked without symptoms per the CDC. It is not usually included unless you ask specifically because it is not advised for asymptomatic patients. I am not currently active, but when I am, I test before and after each person, use condoms and I get tested for everything except HSV2 because its not advisable unless symptomatic by my GP, OB/GYN per CDC guidelines.

I literally have not read anti-STD sentiment on this site at all.

[Anonymous]

My wife's best friend was a nerdy (but hot) goodie two shoes her whole life. She and her DH divorced amicably and she was quite depressed at her stage at 33. She had slept with 7 men at that point.

She slept with, I kid you not, at least 2 dozen men in the first year of her singledom.

I'll be honest. I thought less of her for it. And she grew very upset with herself. I think she thoiught it would bring something it didn't.