Feeling shame for wanting sex without relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many people do you plan to tell about your casual sex life?

I mean I don’t want my partners to judge me. Because I’ve encountered men who think that way about women yet don’t hold the double standard for men about casual sex.

You will be judged whether you want to or not. How have you made it to adulthood, gotten married, had children, become middle aged and not learned that? If you don’t want to be judged, don’t do it is the obvious answer.

This fear of judgment is really your inflamed conscience speaking to you, btw. I wouldn’t disregard it or try to silence it. You fear people saying it’s wrong because you know it’s wrong too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many people do you plan to tell about your casual sex life?

I mean I don’t want my partners to judge me. Because I’ve encountered men who think that way about women yet don’t hold the double standard for men about casual sex.

You will be judged whether you want to or not. How have you made it to adulthood, gotten married, had children, become middle aged and not learned that? If you don’t want to be judged, don’t do it is the obvious answer.

This fear of judgment is really your inflamed conscience speaking to you, btw. I wouldn’t disregard it or try to silence it. You fear people saying it’s wrong because you know it’s wrong too.

people get judged whatever they do. you might as well do what makes you happy - or potentially makes you happy.

[Anonymous]

If you find a FWB or even a ONS don’t brag or talk about it because you will be judged and the word would spread.

[Anonymous]

It’s risky. If you don’t really know them, there is risk of STI but also risk of being stalked, attacked, etc. Partner may get attached or have expectations. Without mutual respect and understanding, how can one set boundaries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: the way to deal with this is to find a good therapist who can help you overcome the shame.

But also talk through whether perhaps the shame is revealing itself not because you think anyone will actually judge you - but perhaps because what you want is coming into conflict with other values you hold. And only you can decide which part of you, which part of your self-conception and idea of what makes a good life, should take precedence.

Thank you for your thoughtful response PP. I think part of my internal conflict is my “shoulds”—that I should want a relationship, that I shouldn’t have sex without being in one, that I should wait and be exclusive, etc…when really I don’t want these. I mean, ideally monogamous but realistically not so easy especially with my time constraints during this season of life.

I think what you are experiencing right now is just what it is to be human! I should be more ambitious in my job - but I like having lots of free time. And I have conflicted feelings about how to navigate these competing wants.

It is normal to feel conflicted. Life is hard and we have lots of things going on that don't always make for easy answers.

If your analytical brain and your emotional brain right now are telling you that what you need is some godda** fun, then I think you should listen to them. It might also be that this feels really transgressive and it'll take a little while for you to either incorporate it into your view of yourself - as normal - or to decide it's not what you want after all.

Life is full of things we try and evaluate to see if this is what we want to do or if we want to try something else. Give yourself that freedom, I would say. But also do have someone you can talk to about how it makes you feel and what it makes you think.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

The thing that gives me pause in your post is not that you don’t want a relationship, it’s that you refer to sex without one “hit it and quit it.” There is something predatory about the phrase. Maybe you should explore the reason behind using that phrase to find your source of shame; it may have nothing to do with Catholicism.

[Anonymous]

There are so many things that go into dating and choosing a man to marry or have a serious relationship with that “being good at sex” usually ends up being near the bottom of the list.

Having an fwb or casual partner can be the opposite. You can choose them just based on being someone you find hot or good at sex. You can also explore your sexuality with them without fear of being judged. I had the best sex of my life with fob’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many things that go into dating and choosing a man to marry or have a serious relationship with that “being good at sex” usually ends up being near the bottom of the list.

Having an fwb or casual partner can be the opposite. You can choose them just based on being someone you find hot or good at sex. You can also explore your sexuality with them without fear of being judged. I had the best sex of my life with fob’s.

Sorry, meant to say “fwb’s”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s risky. If you don’t really know them, there is risk of STI but also risk of being stalked, attacked, etc. Partner may get attached or have expectations. Without mutual respect and understanding, how can one set boundaries?

luckily there is never any domestic violence or stalking once people get serious

this is the risk women run having any intimacy with men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many people do you plan to tell about your casual sex life?

I mean I don’t want my partners to judge me. Because I’ve encountered men who think that way about women yet don’t hold the double standard for men about casual sex.

You will be judged whether you want to or not. How have you made it to adulthood, gotten married, had children, become middle aged and not learned that? If you don’t want to be judged, don’t do it is the obvious answer.

This fear of judgment is really your inflamed conscience speaking to you, btw. I wouldn’t disregard it or try to silence it. You fear people saying it’s wrong because you know it’s wrong too.

Well that’s a very judgmental response! “Wrong” is only an opinion after all, not an absolute.

If you don’t want to be judged don’t do it?! Don’t live your life in any way? That’s makes zero sense. People judge each other on absolutely everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s risky. If you don’t really know them, there is risk of STI but also risk of being stalked, attacked, etc. Partner may get attached or have expectations. Without mutual respect and understanding, how can one set boundaries?

luckily there is never any domestic violence or stalking once people get serious

this is the risk women run having any intimacy with men.

Agreed. Everything is risky. These judgy posters sound super close-minded and like they don’t have much life experience —and definitely don’t have any fun!

[Anonymous]

True. But it’s easier to hold someone accountable if you know them and all their info

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you should be feeling bad about this at all, as long as you’re upfront with your intentions and really honest all the time you should feel free to operate without guilt.

Don’t forget though, most human beings are designed to bond when sex happens, you should fully realize that you are going to get your feelings hurt and you’re probably gonna hurt someone else’s no matter how forthright you are.
I hope you get lucky and find someone who wants to have sex once a week and never hear from or see you again until the next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m struggling a lot with feelings of shame around wanting sex but not relationships with men (yes I did grow up Catholic lol).

I’m divorced and finally feel some freedom in life and would like to make use of it. I don’t want to settle down with anyone and my schedule is hectic so to me, if I want to hit it and quit it to satisfy my urges why not? I’ve finally realized what a beautiful and special gift sexuality is.

Problem is I have intense fear of being judged by others, men and women alike. I know it shouldn’t matter what other people think but how do I realistically deal with this?

Join a club. You get the added structure of other people who know what the came to do, some community/sense of accountability unlike dating randos, and a non-judgmental environment to explore your sexuality; that's what everyone else there is doing.

There's also a "what happens in the club, stays in the club" mentality, so while you would have a light social component when you're there, nobody's discussing your business outside of the club.

[Anonymous]

PO can you tell me more about this type of club?