Feeling shame for wanting sex without relationships

[Anonymous]

* PP

[Anonymous]

Are you hot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: the way to deal with this is to find a good therapist who can help you overcome the shame.

But also talk through whether perhaps the shame is revealing itself not because you think anyone will actually judge you - but perhaps because what you want is coming into conflict with other values you hold. And only you can decide which part of you, which part of your self-conception and idea of what makes a good life, should take precedence.

Thank you for your thoughtful response PP. I think part of my internal conflict is my “shoulds”—that I should want a relationship, that I shouldn’t have sex without being in one, that I should wait and be exclusive, etc…when really I don’t want these. I mean, ideally monogamous but realistically not so easy especially with my time constraints during this season of life.

I think what you are experiencing right now is just what it is to be human! I should be more ambitious in my job - but I like having lots of free time. And I have conflicted feelings about how to navigate these competing wants.

It is normal to feel conflicted. Life is hard and we have lots of things going on that don't always make for easy answers.

If your analytical brain and your emotional brain right now are telling you that what you need is some godda** fun, then I think you should listen to them. It might also be that this feels really transgressive and it'll take a little while for you to either incorporate it into your view of yourself - as normal - or to decide it's not what you want after all.

Life is full of things we try and evaluate to see if this is what we want to do or if we want to try something else. Give yourself that freedom, I would say. But also do have someone you can talk to about how it makes you feel and what it makes you think.

This is good advice.

+1 good advice that can be applied to so many situations.

[Anonymous]

It’s your body and you have your needs so do what you want to do. Just be careful. I went six years in a loveless marriage, never cheated and missed being found desirable so after my divorce I briefly sought sex without a relationship. It was great but once I had my fill I looked for a LTR because a strong emotional connection made the sex that much better. I didn’t tell my GFs about it as I didn’t want to be judged.

[Anonymous]

As a man I can tell you 100% that there is still a double standard. Men think they can be slutty and and that's okay. Men view women who have lots of casual sex as people they will sleep with but it ends right there. They won't want to settle with them.

But who cares? You do you. Do as you please. So what make you happy.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care so much about what people *may* think about you? Weird.

[Anonymous]

OP women do not advertise their casual sex escapades. At least I don't know women who do. Men take it as a badge of honor. I think some women will be shocked at how many women actually have lots of casual sex. As I said they don't advertise it around but my experience as a bachelor who frequently frequent bars to find hookups rest assured you won't be the odd one out. I can say with confidence that our society has changed and I am glad..women are totally DTF with zero attachments. In fact they are even more direct than men. When they want it they don't go around the bush they literally spell it out for you so you know their intentions without any ambiguity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One can say it is a good time to be a woman. I think the stigma around women sleeping around like men is gone.

You can think this but it's objectively not true. Women are the gatekeepers for sex, and if they give it away cheaply, they're showing they think it's not worth much. Men gatekeep relationships, and the equivalent male fault is allowing himself to be used in the friend zone. Neither is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PO can you tell me more about this type of club?

Most cities have one or more. They’re often publicly listed and easy to find as “lifestyle clubs”. They’re full of very nonjudgmental people for what you’re describing, OP, but there will also be folks who engage in things you won’t want to, so take it slow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m struggling a lot with feelings of shame around wanting sex but not relationships with men (yes I did grow up Catholic lol).

I’m divorced and finally feel some freedom in life and would like to make use of it. I don’t want to settle down with anyone and my schedule is hectic so to me, if I want to hit it and quit it to satisfy my urges why not? I’ve finally realized what a beautiful and special gift sexuality is.

Problem is I have intense fear of being judged by others, men and women alike. I know it shouldn’t matter what other people think but how do I realistically deal with this?

I won't judge you if you won't judge me for wanting a relationship without sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m struggling a lot with feelings of shame around wanting sex but not relationships with men (yes I did grow up Catholic lol).

I’m divorced and finally feel some freedom in life and would like to make use of it. I don’t want to settle down with anyone and my schedule is hectic so to me, if I want to hit it and quit it to satisfy my urges why not? I’ve finally realized what a beautiful and special gift sexuality is.

Problem is I have intense fear of being judged by others, men and women alike. I know it shouldn’t matter what other people think but how do I realistically deal with this?

I won't judge you if you won't judge me for wanting a relationship without sex.

Of course not (OP). To each her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One can say it is a good time to be a woman. I think the stigma around women sleeping around like men is gone.

You can think this but it's objectively not true. Women are the gatekeepers for sex, and if they give it away cheaply, they're showing they think it's not worth much. Men gatekeep relationships, and the equivalent male fault is allowing himself to be used in the friend zone. Neither is good.

This is a super antiquated way of thinking. Why can’t women prioritize pleasure for themselves without you assigned moral value and judging for it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One can say it is a good time to be a woman. I think the stigma around women sleeping around like men is gone.

You can think this but it's objectively not true. Women are the gatekeepers for sex, and if they give it away cheaply, they're showing they think it's not worth much. Men gatekeep relationships, and the equivalent male fault is allowing himself to be used in the friend zone. Neither is good.

This is a super antiquated way of thinking. Why can’t women prioritize pleasure for themselves without you assigned moral value and judging for it?

Morals are often just practical advice to effect better outcomes dressed up with a bow. Women have few eggs and are hypergamous to maximize the return from their pregnancies. A woman who just "gives it away" doesn't value herself from an evolutionary perspective, and any high value guy will pump and dump without investment. You don't have to look it as a moral quandary, but it's an evolutionary failing for women to sleep around. Sure, a few women can pull it off, but most feel bad because evolution has made pickiness an essential part of their nature.

All the ladies who want to sleep around are welcome to do so and advertise it. Just don't complain when guys crack jokes about the sucker dude who's getting sloppy seconds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Morally it's fine, imo, You're single. But it will drag you down. It will chip away at your soul.

It did not for me, at all. I very much enjoyed my NSA years. Now I've been happily married for 15 years but I have zero regrets about my early 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Morally it's fine, imo, You're single. But it will drag you down. It will chip away at your soul.

It did not for me, at all. I very much enjoyed my NSA years. Now I've been happily married for 15 years but I have zero regrets about my early 20s.

Me too. Sex was just a fun part of dating (not first date!) and I dated a lot. But I’ve been happily monogamous for 31 years. It’s not something I talk about nor do I flog myself over it. 31 years of being loved and loving one person has been wonderful.