SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

Yeah- instead you should push around some papers in an office, zone out through some boring non-productive meetings, pretend to look busy, and scroll DCUM on your phone. That is way more important that taking care of yourself and your home.

Seriously PP, why do you care what someone does with their time and what gives you any authority to decide it is important or not?

I am a working mom w/9mo and 3yo and I never understand all these "what do you do with your time? working moms do it all plus work!" comments. I would have NO PROBLEM filling 6 hrs a day. As-is, I don't work out, I barely do my makeup/hair, I cook only easy things that can be thrown together in under 30 min, I have a million organizational tasks/projects that I never get to, and I rarely get to bed before 11pm bc after my kids are in bed I need to pick up toys, do dishes/laundry, wash pump parts, and get bottles and lunches ready for the next day.

I'm not complaining (and yes, my DH is an equal partner and handles many tasks, and we make it work) but the idea that you can't fill 6hrs/day with household and kid-related tasks, or that working moms easily accomplish everything SAHMs in their non-working hours, is ridiculous.

This 100%! We are just like you, half ass lots of dinners and throw money at problems and experiences (camps, travel). If I didn’t work I would totally spend the time and clean up my shopping, menus, cooking, decorating, find bargains and clean my own house, and work out every day. Since I know myself and I like work AND I have a great dh and I know I’ll waste the time on DCUM, I just stay in the workforce. Works for us. Op is very different case.

[Anonymous]

My husband wanted me to stay at home when the kids were younger but I didn’t want to completely lose my career. I went to school after all. So instead I’ve always had flexible jobs working from home. I work full time but can work out, do school picks ups, doctors appts, make dinner, help with homework. My husbands job is way way more demanding. Even with a 10 year old, one partner having a flexible job is nice. honestly I feel better about myself when im working.

[Anonymous]

Op, why does your dh want you to work? How many kids do you have ? Is one going to college soon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband wanted me to stay at home when the kids were younger but I didn’t want to completely lose my career. I went to school after all. So instead I’ve always had flexible jobs working from home. I work full time but can work out, do school picks ups, doctors appts, make dinner, help with homework. My husbands job is way way more demanding. Even with a 10 year old, one partner having a flexible job is nice. honestly I feel better about myself when im working.

Good for you. I don’t feel better about myself when I am working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always worked full-time at home for the Feds. I make less than my spouse and my salary that necessary, but I have great health benefits for the family, a hefty retirement of my own. With $175k as the “support/not even close to primary” salary it’s the best of both. I am in STEM in my graduate degree field. I can’t imagine never working.

I truly believe you’re a troll. You are clearly a different fed than most based on your salary and you know this isn’t realistic. Plus it takes a decade at least of work to climb the fed ladder. Stop dumping on this thread

+1. You have a unicorn situation if you have a $175k fed job that has always let you work full-time from home. You must know that's not available to OP

No she doesn't. I have female relatives and tons of neighbors, friends that all work from home full-time or part-time (yes- pre Covid). Lawyers, IT, sales, managers, etc.

The positions are out there, but--yes---not as likely if you wait until your well into your 40s to find them. You have to keep a foot in the door from the get-go.

Look, a lot of women will never ever want to work. It's a different kind of person. The question is: did her husband know this about her at the time he married her--or did she bank on popping out kids to save her from ever earning a cent? IF it's the former, he doesn't have an argument and only himself to blame now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

Yeah- instead you should push around some papers in an office, zone out through some boring non-productive meetings, pretend to look busy, and scroll DCUM on your phone. That is way more important that taking care of yourself and your home.

Seriously PP, why do you care what someone does with their time and what gives you any authority to decide it is important or not?

I am a working mom w/9mo and 3yo and I never understand all these "what do you do with your time? working moms do it all plus work!" comments. I would have NO PROBLEM filling 6 hrs a day. As-is, I don't work out, I barely do my makeup/hair, I cook only easy things that can be thrown together in under 30 min, I have a million organizational tasks/projects that I never get to, and I rarely get to bed before 11pm bc after my kids are in bed I need to pick up toys, do dishes/laundry, wash pump parts, and get bottles and lunches ready for the next day.

I'm not complaining (and yes, my DH is an equal partner and handles many tasks, and we make it work) but the idea that you can't fill 6hrs/day with household and kid-related tasks, or that working moms easily accomplish everything SAHMs in their non-working hours, is ridiculous.

I never understand these questions either. What did these people do before they had children and had every evening plus entire days off with nothing to do?

[Anonymous]

It's A LOT OF PRESSURE to be the primary and ONLY breadwinner in a family. After a decade or more of being that person, he wants some help.

The piece of mind that comes from knowing you have a partner that can step up if the unknowable or unforeseen happens, does wonders for a person's well-being and contentment.

I see so many people lose respect for their spouse that doesn't work once the kids become fairly self-sufficient and they are alone in the house all day long. It's really kind of a childish existence, having someone fully support you for your entire life. From Daddy to Husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

Pretty sure a professional can figure out the grocery store

[Anonymous]

There was another thread on this where someone did the math on childcare hours of little kids vs school age kids, and there are only about 10 fewer hours of childcare with older kids. School aged kids sleep about 3 hours less a day than little kids (9-10 hours vs 12-13 hours), and so when kids go to school, you typically lose that time in the evening that you would normally have to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

You shouldn't. He needs to do 1/2 the cooking, 1/2 the cleaning, and help with homework, kids activities and more. Tell him to start magically doing half and when he does it consistently for 3 months you will go back to work. Remind him when you go back to work you will not have sick leave or vacation so he will have to take off work for every school holiday, every sick day and every emergency that comes up until you can build up some leave. Also, tell him he needs to find before/after school care for the kids and arrange for summer camps for all weeks in the summer he cannot take off to be with them.

Their youngest kid is 10. Camps and summer are completely optional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was your career before you had OP, or what are the likely jobs you can get?

This is why staying home often sucks for women. They put in the hard work when the kids are little, then some of their husbands expect them to magically get a job once the kids are no longer in the little kid stage. Meanwhile their career has been derailed so they can't get as good a job as before and the husband is spoiled and still expects the mom to handle most of the details of household and child management.

Please hard work of staying home is literally the infant years. Not 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was another thread on this where someone did the math on childcare hours of little kids vs school age kids, and there are only about 10 fewer hours of childcare with older kids. School aged kids sleep about 3 hours less a day than little kids (9-10 hours vs 12-13 hours), and so when kids go to school, you typically lose that time in the evening that you would normally have to yourself.

What are you talking about? My school age kids help with chores and entertain themselves before bed. I have more leisure time than ever. But we don’t sign up for travel sports so that helps.

[Anonymous]

Men are either okay with their wife being a SAHM or they are not okay with it -- while you are still dating and talking about marriage. OP, what did your husband tell you back then about how he pictured your life with kids? Did you ask? If he told you before marriage that he expects 50/50 equal financial contribution with a family until you both retire, then this is the mindset you married, the set-up you said "yes" to as he put a ring on it.

Your DH may never change his mindset because it's baked into the wedding cake. He might be resentful if you don't work. You have to find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

You shouldn't. He needs to do 1/2 the cooking, 1/2 the cleaning, and help with homework, kids activities and more. Tell him to start magically doing half and when he does it consistently for 3 months you will go back to work. Remind him when you go back to work you will not have sick leave or vacation so he will have to take off work for every school holiday, every sick day and every emergency that comes up until you can build up some leave. Also, tell him he needs to find before/after school care for the kids and arrange for summer camps for all weeks in the summer he cannot take off to be with them.

Their youngest kid is 10. Camps and summer are completely optional.

They are just going to leave the 10yo home by himself every day all summer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

Yeah- instead you should push around some papers in an office, zone out through some boring non-productive meetings, pretend to look busy, and scroll DCUM on your phone. That is way more important that taking care of yourself and your home.

Seriously PP, why do you care what someone does with their time and what gives you any authority to decide it is important or not?

I am a working mom w/9mo and 3yo and I never understand all these "what do you do with your time? working moms do it all plus work!" comments. I would have NO PROBLEM filling 6 hrs a day. As-is, I don't work out, I barely do my makeup/hair, I cook only easy things that can be thrown together in under 30 min, I have a million organizational tasks/projects that I never get to, and I rarely get to bed before 11pm bc after my kids are in bed I need to pick up toys, do dishes/laundry, wash pump parts, and get bottles and lunches ready for the next day.

I'm not complaining (and yes, my DH is an equal partner and handles many tasks, and we make it work) but the idea that you can't fill 6hrs/day with household and kid-related tasks, or that working moms easily accomplish everything SAHMs in their non-working hours, is ridiculous.

This!!! I work part-time and only have one kid (granted, a 4 yr old with special needs so not a picnic, but not severely impaired either so not that out of the ordinary either) and I am barely scraping by. If I didn't work at all, I'd still have jam packed days. It might mean I actually eat a little better and get some amount of personal downtime, which is something every human deserves!

All of these "SAHMs are lazy" comments really show how toxic our culture is around work. No one should have to prove to anyone else they are being 100% productive every single day. We don't demand this of people with paid jobs because we assume that if they are being paid, they are "earning" it. But anyone with a job knows this isn't really true. Some people really earn their pay checks and some don't work as hard and some people slack off hard. I'm sure SAHMs are the same, tbh, though in my experience it's harder to slack off on mom-related duties because kids are much more aggressive about making sure they get what they need than any boss I've ever had.