Would I be a jerk if I backed out of my family member’s bachelorette party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s shitty to back out at this point. Just say you’re not contributing to XYZ. Though for transportation I mean, how did you *think* you were going to drink and also be transported?

Did you *think* about how they could use Ubers and not a private driver for $590 per person aka 6k (10 people attending) for 4 days? Don’t be a pretentious imbecile.

And nothing is stopping OP from replying all and suggesting that as an alternative- there may be others who are similarly concerned with escalating costs who would appreciate it. That being said, having once gone that route, ubers can be extremely difficult to get in that area and very pricy even in non-Covid times. With current Covid restrictions they will need 4 ubers for each excursion. It’s questionable that they will be able to even find sufficient availability without hour+ waits for each leg and its questionable that it will come out much cheaper.

No matter what you say it’s still much cheaper than 6k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The DCUM homo sapiens might find these costs typical, but they are astronomical for the rest of our species.

It is not appropriate for the bridal party to expect guests to pay such amounts without a heads-up of the approximate total expenditure beforehand, which was not forthcoming.

OP is well within her rights to say she did not expect the trip to cost this much, request a refund and decline the invitation. She might not get the refund, sadly.

OP SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS the moment "4 days in California Wine Country" was on the table. Which was BEFORE she RSVP'd. This is all on her for not having an ounce of common sense. She can back out now, but will rightfully deal with the social consequences, especially if she tries to get her $800 back.

Consequences with people she probably barely knows, like her cousin's friends? Oh well. That's a risk I'd be wiling to take. If $800 isn't that big of a deal why so much angst about giving it back. Gosh, weekends in Napa are expensive, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say back out, but still pay your part of the Airbnb

This makes 0 sense. Let $800 go down the drain to just not attend?
If they can spend this much money and hire a private driver for $590 a person like they’re celebrities then an extra $100-$200 per person will be nothing for them.

Unfortunately I agree with PP that it would be wrong to back out to the airBnB. OP knew and agreed to that cost.

You could always go to Napa and just not participate in the wine tours/driving excursions. Just enjoy the estate and pool.

She didn’t know. She rsvpd and that’s when the organizer told them where they would be staying and then told the cost. The organizer worked backwards and was inconsiderate. That shouldn’t be on OP.

Where did OP think she was going to stay in California wine country for cheaper? Come on.

Who thinks that they’re going to stay at a place for $1800 and get $590 pp personal driver? That’s the cheaper. They don’t need those things for a bachelorette party.

Anyone who isn’t stupid? Where are you going to find a cheaper place to stay in Napa? And transportation is going to be pricey unless you want to go the designated driver route, which OP is turning up her nose at too. The was obviously going to be pricey at the first mention of “wine country,” which was before the formal RSVP.

Did you see that OP hasn’t even ever been to California? I have no idea what a 4 day extravaganza in wine country would cost and I’ve been to Sonoma!

OP is a grown-up. When she got the formal invitation for California wine country, she should have done some research before saying yes.

I’ve been to wine country and I have never stayed at a $1800 per night house nor has my group paid $590 per person for a private driver. This is not part of the research. You also seem to have forgotten from the time she was told about the trip to when the asked for the money was only a few days turn around. The organizer did this all wrong.

The lodging is 200 per person per night, which frankly sounds like a bargain for most places in Napa. The driver thing sounds expensive, but OP doesn't seem to like the cheaper option. OP KNEW the trip was 4 nights in Napa when she RSVPd. She's justified in arguing for reduced costs (like uber instead of drivers) but is just playing dumb (or is actually dumb) if she didn't realize this was a trip that would be in the $1000s.

Yes, $200 per night isn’t bad but it’s more like $400 because they’re also paying for the bride. However, they also didn’t need to get a house that’s $1800 a night. That’s still ridiculous.

Check Airbnb yourself for Napa. $1800/night is about in line with what to expect. It's for ten people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s shitty to back out at this point. Just say you’re not contributing to XYZ. Though for transportation I mean, how did you *think* you were going to drink and also be transported?

Did you *think* about how they could use Ubers and not a private driver for $590 per person aka 6k (10 people attending) for 4 days? Don’t be a pretentious imbecile.

And nothing is stopping OP from replying all and suggesting that as an alternative- there may be others who are similarly concerned with escalating costs who would appreciate it. That being said, having once gone that route, ubers can be extremely difficult to get in that area and very pricy even in non-Covid times. With current Covid restrictions they will need 4 ubers for each excursion. It’s questionable that they will be able to even find sufficient availability without hour+ waits for each leg and its questionable that it will come out much cheaper.

No matter what you say it’s still much cheaper than 6k.

I think there's probably a miscommunication on the transport. They ought to be able to get a party bus for 600/night for everyone, not per person. So OP is looking at probably around $200 for transport assuming they go out 3 nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The DCUM homo sapiens might find these costs typical, but they are astronomical for the rest of our species.

It is not appropriate for the bridal party to expect guests to pay such amounts without a heads-up of the approximate total expenditure beforehand, which was not forthcoming.

OP is well within her rights to say she did not expect the trip to cost this much, request a refund and decline the invitation. She might not get the refund, sadly.

OP SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS the moment "4 days in California Wine Country" was on the table. Which was BEFORE she RSVP'd. This is all on her for not having an ounce of common sense. She can back out now, but will rightfully deal with the social consequences, especially if she tries to get her $800 back.

Consequences with people she probably barely knows, like her cousin's friends? Oh well. That's a risk I'd be wiling to take. If $800 isn't that big of a deal why so much angst about giving it back. Gosh, weekends in Napa are expensive, right?

Sure, she can do all of that. It doesn't change the equities here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s shitty to back out at this point. Just say you’re not contributing to XYZ. Though for transportation I mean, how did you *think* you were going to drink and also be transported?

Did you *think* about how they could use Ubers and not a private driver for $590 per person aka 6k (10 people attending) for 4 days? Don’t be a pretentious imbecile.

And nothing is stopping OP from replying all and suggesting that as an alternative- there may be others who are similarly concerned with escalating costs who would appreciate it. That being said, having once gone that route, ubers can be extremely difficult to get in that area and very pricy even in non-Covid times. With current Covid restrictions they will need 4 ubers for each excursion. It’s questionable that they will be able to even find sufficient availability without hour+ waits for each leg and its questionable that it will come out much cheaper.

No matter what you say it’s still much cheaper than 6k.

I think there's probably a miscommunication on the transport. They ought to be able to get a party bus for 600/night for everyone, not per person. So OP is looking at probably around $200 for transport assuming they go out 3 nights.

Napa doesn't really have night life. I'm guessing the bus is for driving around during the day for wine tasting. It's not clear if the driver fee includes all the tasting fees which could be another added expense. Wineries are also limiting these group events, has anyone checked to see that they are willing to accommodate 9-10 shrieking bachelorettes? OP might be doing them a favor by backing out by being one less head to count.

[Anonymous]

Bride is a B for expecting family and friends to spend $1,300 on her bachelorette. End of story. Back out and say you're saving for the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s shitty to back out at this point. Just say you’re not contributing to XYZ. Though for transportation I mean, how did you *think* you were going to drink and also be transported?

Did you *think* about how they could use Ubers and not a private driver for $590 per person aka 6k (10 people attending) for 4 days? Don’t be a pretentious imbecile.

And nothing is stopping OP from replying all and suggesting that as an alternative- there may be others who are similarly concerned with escalating costs who would appreciate it. That being said, having once gone that route, ubers can be extremely difficult to get in that area and very pricy even in non-Covid times. With current Covid restrictions they will need 4 ubers for each excursion. It’s questionable that they will be able to even find sufficient availability without hour+ waits for each leg and its questionable that it will come out much cheaper.

No matter what you say it’s still much cheaper than 6k.

I think there's probably a miscommunication on the transport. They ought to be able to get a party bus for 600/night for everyone, not per person. So OP is looking at probably around $200 for transport assuming they go out 3 nights.

No, I read it correctly….

https://imgur.com/a/RLWJYEB

We’re covering the transport for the bride as well….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The DCUM homo sapiens might find these costs typical, but they are astronomical for the rest of our species.

It is not appropriate for the bridal party to expect guests to pay such amounts without a heads-up of the approximate total expenditure beforehand, which was not forthcoming.

OP is well within her rights to say she did not expect the trip to cost this much, request a refund and decline the invitation. She might not get the refund, sadly.

OP SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS the moment "4 days in California Wine Country" was on the table. Which was BEFORE she RSVP'd. This is all on her for not having an ounce of common sense. She can back out now, but will rightfully deal with the social consequences, especially if she tries to get her $800 back.

Etiquette went out the window when they didn’t tell the prices before asking for rvsp and then asking for $800 and only giving people a few hours to pay.
Consequences with people she probably barely knows, like her cousin's friends? Oh well. That's a risk I'd be wiling to take. If $800 isn't that big of a deal why so much angst about giving it back. Gosh, weekends in Napa are expensive, right?

Sure, she can do all of that. It doesn't change the equities here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say back out, but still pay your part of the Airbnb

This makes 0 sense. Let $800 go down the drain to just not attend?
If they can spend this much money and hire a private driver for $590 a person like they’re celebrities then an extra $100-$200 per person will be nothing for them.

Unfortunately I agree with PP that it would be wrong to back out to the airBnB. OP knew and agreed to that cost.

You could always go to Napa and just not participate in the wine tours/driving excursions. Just enjoy the estate and pool.

She didn’t know. She rsvpd and that’s when the organizer told them where they would be staying and then told the cost. The organizer worked backwards and was inconsiderate. That shouldn’t be on OP.

Where did OP think she was going to stay in California wine country for cheaper? Come on.

Who thinks that they’re going to stay at a place for $1800 and get $590 pp personal driver? That’s the cheaper. They don’t need those things for a bachelorette party.

Anyone who isn’t stupid? Where are you going to find a cheaper place to stay in Napa? And transportation is going to be pricey unless you want to go the designated driver route, which OP is turning up her nose at too. The was obviously going to be pricey at the first mention of “wine country,” which was before the formal RSVP.

Did you see that OP hasn’t even ever been to California? I have no idea what a 4 day extravaganza in wine country would cost and I’ve been to Sonoma!

OP is a grown-up. When she got the formal invitation for California wine country, she should have done some research before saying yes.

I’ve been to wine country and I have never stayed at a $1800 per night house nor has my group paid $590 per person for a private driver. This is not part of the research. You also seem to have forgotten from the time she was told about the trip to when the asked for the money was only a few days turn around. The organizer did this all wrong.

The lodging is 200 per person per night, which frankly sounds like a bargain for most places in Napa. The driver thing sounds expensive, but OP doesn't seem to like the cheaper option. OP KNEW the trip was 4 nights in Napa when she RSVPd. She's justified in arguing for reduced costs (like uber instead of drivers) but is just playing dumb (or is actually dumb) if she didn't realize this was a trip that would be in the $1000s.

Yes, $200 per night isn’t bad but it’s more like $400 because they’re also paying for the bride. However, they also didn’t need to get a house that’s $1800 a night. That’s still ridiculous.

Umm, you might want to check your math. There are 10 people total. Paying the bride’s share of lodging results in an extra $20 per night, not $200.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The DCUM homo sapiens might find these costs typical, but they are astronomical for the rest of our species.

It is not appropriate for the bridal party to expect guests to pay such amounts without a heads-up of the approximate total expenditure beforehand, which was not forthcoming.

OP is well within her rights to say she did not expect the trip to cost this much, request a refund and decline the invitation. She might not get the refund, sadly.

OP SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS the moment "4 days in California Wine Country" was on the table. Which was BEFORE she RSVP'd. This is all on her for not having an ounce of common sense. She can back out now, but will rightfully deal with the social consequences, especially if she tries to get her $800 back.

Consequences with people she probably barely knows, like her cousin's friends? Oh well. That's a risk I'd be wiling to take. If $800 isn't that big of a deal why so much angst about giving it back. Gosh, weekends in Napa are expensive, right?

Sure, she can do all of that. It doesn't change the equities here.

Etiquette went out the window when they didn’t tell the prices before asking for rvsp and then asking for $800 and only giving people a few hours to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say back out, but still pay your part of the Airbnb

This makes 0 sense. Let $800 go down the drain to just not attend?
If they can spend this much money and hire a private driver for $590 a person like they’re celebrities then an extra $100-$200 per person will be nothing for them.

Unfortunately I agree with PP that it would be wrong to back out to the airBnB. OP knew and agreed to that cost.

You could always go to Napa and just not participate in the wine tours/driving excursions. Just enjoy the estate and pool.

She didn’t know. She rsvpd and that’s when the organizer told them where they would be staying and then told the cost. The organizer worked backwards and was inconsiderate. That shouldn’t be on OP.

Where did OP think she was going to stay in California wine country for cheaper? Come on.

Who thinks that they’re going to stay at a place for $1800 and get $590 pp personal driver? That’s the cheaper. They don’t need those things for a bachelorette party.

Anyone who isn’t stupid? Where are you going to find a cheaper place to stay in Napa? And transportation is going to be pricey unless you want to go the designated driver route, which OP is turning up her nose at too. The was obviously going to be pricey at the first mention of “wine country,” which was before the formal RSVP.

Did you see that OP hasn’t even ever been to California? I have no idea what a 4 day extravaganza in wine country would cost and I’ve been to Sonoma!

OP is a grown-up. When she got the formal invitation for California wine country, she should have done some research before saying yes.

I’ve been to wine country and I have never stayed at a $1800 per night house nor has my group paid $590 per person for a private driver. This is not part of the research. You also seem to have forgotten from the time she was told about the trip to when the asked for the money was only a few days turn around. The organizer did this all wrong.

The lodging is 200 per person per night, which frankly sounds like a bargain for most places in Napa. The driver thing sounds expensive, but OP doesn't seem to like the cheaper option. OP KNEW the trip was 4 nights in Napa when she RSVPd. She's justified in arguing for reduced costs (like uber instead of drivers) but is just playing dumb (or is actually dumb) if she didn't realize this was a trip that would be in the $1000s.

Yes, $200 per night isn’t bad but it’s more like $400 because they’re also paying for the bride. However, they also didn’t need to get a house that’s $1800 a night. That’s still ridiculous.

Umm, you might want to check your math. There are 10 people total. Paying the bride’s share of lodging results in an extra $20 per night, not $200.

Either way they are paying for the bride to stay all those nights. That’s still ridiculous. The bride should be paying for herself no matter what the numbers are.

[Anonymous]

My 2 cents. I would respond that $800 was already a stretch of my budget since I have to pay $400 for flights, but I was willing to to go along. But, additional money for rental or $590 for chauffered ride, are putting this out of my budget. If the grip can be accomplished for the original $800, then I can come. If there are additional costs, then I'll have to decline. I bet you'll be surprised. If this is something that is on a chat or open for others to read, then you'll probably have others who will support you and agree.

The bride-to-be can decide whether she wants to keep tacking on costs and risk losing others or whether she wants to hold the line and go with what has already been decided and keep all the guests. Sometimes, it only takes one to start the trend to pull back the reins on a bridezilla.

[Anonymous]

I would ask that the 800 dollars be considered my gift to the bride and groom and explain that I would not be able to attend other events due to budget limitations. Send a nice card and save yourself from falling deeper in the financial hole.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I haven’t attended enough weddings but is it customary fro everyone else to pay for everything-lodging, taxis, food, etc. for the bride?

Why are you all covering all of the expenses for this trip and the bride isn’t picking up the tab on anything? This is extremely tacky at best and scamming sprinkled with extortion at best.