Weird situation with new neighbor from high school - WWYD

[Anonymous]

OP- you should ignore this woman. Even if you weren't nice in HS, it's weird and little worrying that she would approach your kids. I was bullied in school and would never, ever act this way-- not because I'm over the bullying (I don't think people get completely over it), but because I'm a rational adult who has moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Write her a note.
"I am sorry that I had a negative impact on you in high school. If you would like to talk, I am hear to listen. Happy to try for a fresh start. Welcome to the neighborhood."
- Jenny

You not remembering doesn't mean it didn't happen..You seem more worried about your rep in the community than the fact that you could have really done damage to.someone during a vulnerable time.

I agree approaching your children is bad and not ok. If it was a one off thing to try and get your attention, bad but move on. If she keeps it up, you need to address it.

This is not a bad idea (writing the note).

I like the note idea although I might be tempted to add something like "In the future, if you would like to discuss something with my children, please do so when I am present" but admittedly it's kind of snarky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It never ceases to amaze me how so many full-grown adults are still not over high school. Making frequent references to high school (and college) is embarrassing. Who you were back then should not remotely reflect who you are now. If it does, there's a stunted growth problem.

You obviously weren't bullied or ostracized. My twin sister and I were. While I was able to have a healthy, successful life, for whatever reason, my sister--who did suffer worse treatment than me in school--was never able to shake it. She suffered fron depression the rest of her life and died at the age of 45. Obviously, there were other circumstances that contributed, but her treatment by mean girls in high school was devastating. I ran into one of the bullies at a kids' tournament a couple years later and she acted so sweet (never acknowledging my sister's death), and then said this: I was so said to hear about "Bobby Smith" (a man who had been in our class--a really nice guy actually who was also one of the "cool" kids--who died about a year after my sister). For me, that was the saddest loss we've had from our class so far." I was at a loss for words. Literally said nothing except something like, "okay. well, good luck." I really do still hate her to this day and it's clear she hasn't changed on bit. OP: your behavior clearly harmed this woman. Take some responsibility.

[Anonymous]

I’d be freaked out.

How did she know where you live before you ever bumped into her? Approached your kids and DH before you ever even saw her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, were you a bully by any chance and now you have suppressed that memory?

They all do.

I ran into a former classmate from middle school, and as we reminisced I mentioned that another classmate was very ill with a life threatening diagnosis. Their response: “Good. He was such a bully. Don’t you remember how he tormented me?” I didn’t…but I did remember how he tormented and bullied so many people himself. Apparently he didn’t recall any of it, and he felt very comfortable hoping our classmate who was in a coma at the time died. So weird that he didn’t remember anything he had done himself. He literally pontificated about being a good, kind person.

Yup. Part of the problem is that the most successful bullies are often helped in this delusion by their families, friends, even teachers and school officials. Especially if they were otherwise “successful” kids - popular, good at school, etc.

I remember there was a guy in my high school who not only bullied unpopular kids but also had a rep for treating his girlfriends terribly. But I specifically remember a teacher telling a group of us, “Well, you need to understand he’s under a lot of pressure,” because he competed at a high level in school activities. Like people were willing to let his aggression towards other students slide because they felt it was just a normal side effect of being successful. It was sick.

We rarely hold people accountable in our culture unless they are poor and/or a POC, and then we hold them accountable for things beyond their control. There are lots of former bullies out there who don’t think they ever did anything wrong, and if anyone thinks they did, the must be misinterpreting, or over sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Many people never get over HS. Whether it’s the bullied student or those who can’t believe their glory days are over.

I know where my worst bully lives. She moved into her parents’ neighborhood two miles from school. I would never say anything to her neighbors or her kids. I certainly wouldn’t be uncontrollable laughing if I saw she was upset or serious (another troubling post).

I also recognize that there are people I was awful to and I needed to stop reaching out to them in the expectation that they would forgive me.

[Anonymous]

I have a tremendous amount of empathy for this woman, who is probably neurodivergent, as I am.

But this woman's handling of it all is still massively inappropriate. I bet OP didn't do anything directly (it's her "whole group of friends") and regardless, this is not the way to bring it up.

Based on experience, if the OP makes some conciliatory gesture, the woman will forgive her and then glom onto her (social awkwardness) and talk sh--- about other people instead.

Which may just be how it goes. I do believe in being a good person, regardless of negative/awkward consequences.

But I think those of you imagining a mean girl crew and some sort of Carrie incident are way off. I'm not one to say, "Oh, it was high school, who cares?" But I have also experienced running into a number of my HS classmates who at least said something cutting to me, or whom I thought didn't like me/excluded me*, and they were genuinely nice to me, clearly didn't remember those incidents, and/or told me things like, "Oh, I always admired you so much! You were so cool because [actual thing that I did]." The classmate is very likely holding onto things that-- while hurtful at the time!-- could be worked through. And again, I don't say that lightly, and it doesn't necessarily apply to serious bullying. But as a neurodivergent "socially awkward" person, I can say it's very probably that's not what was going on.


*When you have ADHD/ASD, this kind of stuff creates the perfect storm. First, you often have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria-- so you can either perceive malice/rejection when it's not there, or exaggerate it when it is. And you may have a long-term memory like a steel trap for these things, and perseverate on them, when others have long forgotten them. Even without perseveration, the memory thing applies to all kinds of innocuous stuff-- people think you are obsessed with things you just... remember, without having to try. And of course, you likely are socially awkward, so there is some truth to all of this... and that may lead you to saying inappropriate, invasive things. It's tough. I am all for ND folks' quirks being more accepted and not having to mask so much for NT people, but the way this woman is handling herself is just unacceptable. It can be met with some kindness and understanding of where it's coming from-- I don't think she means to be scary nor an a-hole-- but it's also something she needs to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a tremendous amount of empathy for this woman, who is probably neurodivergent, as I am.

But this woman's handling of it all is still massively inappropriate. I bet OP didn't do anything directly (it's her "whole group of friends") and regardless, this is not the way to bring it up.

Based on experience, if the OP makes some conciliatory gesture, the woman will forgive her and then glom onto her (social awkwardness) and talk sh--- about other people instead.

Which may just be how it goes. I do believe in being a good person, regardless of negative/awkward consequences.

But I think those of you imagining a mean girl crew and some sort of Carrie incident are way off. I'm not one to say, "Oh, it was high school, who cares?" But I have also experienced running into a number of my HS classmates who at least said something cutting to me, or whom I thought didn't like me/excluded me*, and they were genuinely nice to me, clearly didn't remember those incidents, and/or told me things like, "Oh, I always admired you so much! You were so cool because [actual thing that I did]." The classmate is very likely holding onto things that-- while hurtful at the time!-- could be worked through. And again, I don't say that lightly, and it doesn't necessarily apply to serious bullying. But as a neurodivergent "socially awkward" person, I can say it's very probably that's not what was going on.


*When you have ADHD/ASD, this kind of stuff creates the perfect storm. First, you often have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria-- so you can either perceive malice/rejection when it's not there, or exaggerate it when it is. And you may have a long-term memory like a steel trap for these things, and perseverate on them, when others have long forgotten them. Even without perseveration, the memory thing applies to all kinds of innocuous stuff-- people think you are obsessed with things you just... remember, without having to try. And of course, you likely are socially awkward, so there is some truth to all of this... and that may lead you to saying inappropriate, invasive things. It's tough. I am all for ND folks' quirks being more accepted and not having to mask so much for NT people, but the way this woman is handling herself is just unacceptable. It can be met with some kindness and understanding of where it's coming from-- I don't think she means to be scary nor an a-hole-- but it's also something she needs to work on.

Good post, PP—it’s always a pleasure to read something so thoughtful on here. I think your assessment of the situation is very likely accurate given the facts we have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she is still super awkward and doesn't realize that she is immediately identifying herself as a crazy person by announcing perceived slights from high school. Your neighbors already have an opinion of you, she's the one who is getting a reputation here.

THIS. It says more about her than you. Also neighbors going to be wondering what st she will say about THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, were you a bully by any chance and now you have suppressed that memory?

They all do.

I ran into a former classmate from middle school, and as we reminisced I mentioned that another classmate was very ill with a life threatening diagnosis. Their response: “Good. He was such a bully. Don’t you remember how he tormented me?” I didn’t…but I did remember how he tormented and bullied so many people himself. Apparently he didn’t recall any of it, and he felt very comfortable hoping our classmate who was in a coma at the time died. So weird that he didn’t remember anything he had done himself. He literally pontificated about being a good, kind person.

Yup. Part of the problem is that the most successful bullies are often helped in this delusion by their families, friends, even teachers and school officials. Especially if they were otherwise “successful” kids - popular, good at school, etc.

I remember there was a guy in my high school who not only bullied unpopular kids but also had a rep for treating his girlfriends terribly. But I specifically remember a teacher telling a group of us, “Well, you need to understand he’s under a lot of pressure,” because he competed at a high level in school activities. Like people were willing to let his aggression towards other students slide because they felt it was just a normal side effect of being successful. It was sick.

We rarely hold people accountable in our culture unless they are poor and/or a POC, and then we hold them accountable for things beyond their control. There are lots of former bullies out there who don’t think they ever did anything wrong, and if anyone thinks they did, the must be misinterpreting, or over sensitive.

None of this excuses crazy neighbors behavior. She doesn’t get a pass either and should be held accountable for acting inappropriately with regard to the OPs children.

[Anonymous]

Every neighborhood has its crazy. Our crazy attacked my kid. When I lose my temper people see the desire I have to beat them to a pulp. She stays right away from my family. Few people in the neighborhood know that side of me …

[Anonymous]

really creepy that she seems to have known, in advance, you were living there. i wouldn't engage with this person,

[Anonymous]

I think you should apologize. Send her a note or call her and apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you just say “I don’t remember but I am sorry if I made high school more difficult for you.” Healing starts with being heard and all that.

so do lawsuits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mean girl gets what is coming to her decades later and comes to DCUM to complain.

Approaching OP’s minor children is not okay in any scenario.

+10000