Reply to In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My marriage was spiraling the drain and I had an affair at the end of it, about 9 years ago, with someone who was a friend of both of ours. It was short lived but even before the affair I knew this person was the one for me. Long story short I got divorced about a year later, ex ap moved away and then he got divorced a few years later. I dated someone for 3 years in that time as well, but ap was always in my head. We are now together in a LDR and have been for more than 2 years.

My exh, with whom I have a very good co-parenting relationship and who is also much happier after our divorce, is very much struggling with this. I get it. In his case, he has had a few serious girlfriends and is now dating someone who is terrific and I truly hope this one sticks. My kids have met 4 of these women, and spent a lot of time with 3, mainly because exh is convinced each one will be his next wife. For the kids I want to have a good relationship with whomever he is with and have done so. The kids see that I do have this with his gf now.

For his part, exh will not acknowledge any communication (texts) from me in which anything about SO is involved, such as logistics and planning. He will not acknowledge or even look at my SO in the few times we have been in the same places. [b]His gf is extremely gracious, however. At some point the kids are going to notice. And yes my SO tries.[/b]

I absolutely understand I am not wearing the white hat here. I just want to know if I have any right to expect or hope for anything more from my exh towards my SO/former AP even if just for appearances/comfort for the kids. And no I have never brought it up with him.

I expect some flames but also hope I can get some perspective from people who have BTDT.[/quote]

OP, how many kids do you have with your ex and how old are they? Just trying to figure out if your ex is seeing this as decades of having to deal with your bf, which could be kind of overwhelming (like if your kids are 2, 4, and 6, for example, versus 16 and 18). Does your bf have kids of his own? What about his ex? I assume if you were friends with bf before you were friends with his ex as well? Do you know if she and your ex ever discussed the affair? Sometimes people can wind each other up such that your husband, who sounds pretty gracious by all accounts, gets spun up by your bf's ex? Just spit balling here, trying to help you. [/quote]

So exDH’s GF for now is extremely gracious. She doesn’t want things to be awkward. And exDH’s estranged friend, your AP and current SO, tries really hard.

Wouldn’t it be a kick in the teeth if OP’s AP/SO put the moves on exDH’s GF? AP/SO seems to have more magnetism exDH, and the only one with whom things aren’t awkward is exDH’s GF. With her being so gracious, he might think he can have a much more pleasant relationship with exDH’s GF. The friendship is gone anyway, so why not make lemonade out of lemons.

Then as you did, exDH’s GF may decide OP’s AP/SO is a better catch than exDH. He’s probably wealthier, hotter and/or funner than exDH. Then for OP it comes down to whether she can fend off exDH’s GF. OP might be hotter, but what an enormous ego boost it would be for AP/SO to steal exDH’s SO [b][u]AGAIN[/u][/b], while this time leaving exDH in the dust for good. I’m not convinced OP is hotter than exDH’s GF BTW. But the ego boost and the ability to have fun without dealing with any awkwardness or public drama (since they’ll never see either party to the ex-marriage)? That might tip the balance.

This is probably ridiculous though; AP/SO of course is devoted to OP. Just spinning things out I guess.[/quote]

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