Holding kids back (June/July/August bday)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just do it and don’t look back. You won’t regret it. We did it for our son (April birthday), and it’s the best thing we ever did for him. He thrived academically, socially and, yes, athletically (for those who have to ask).

I did not realize people were holding back April birthdays. Interesting. Is this common?

[Anonymous]

No. Not common. Anything before June is out of the ordinary.

[Anonymous]

Girl - June 29 bday - shy, didn’t talk much, wasn’t reading yet

Local private school suggested starting in their PreK program at 5 and then started K at 6. Always oldest in class but remained shy and struggled academically. Was never a class leader and got teased for being the oldest.

In short, it was a terrible decision that we regretted. We kept thinking over the years as did the school that she would “blossom” ugh how I hate that phrase. But it didn’t happen. Ended up moving to public middle school in the middle of 6th grade. Much better experience. Child was one of many kids who were the oldest in the grade. Academically, she did much better. She is still pretty shy and still has trouble making friends.

Now she is in therapy for anxiety. It was likely there since age 4 and had it been recognized and treated appropriately, things would have been so different. If you are going to redshirt, at least get an outside evaluation of your child. An extra year might not be the thing that will make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Wish we could go back in time and give our D’s another year in pre-K. The teacher said she’d be bored if we did so and off to kinder she went. All was ok until late elementary. Her classmates (socially) seemed so much older and my kid always tried to fit in and it seemed forced to us. The girls developed way earlier than my kid, so it was awkward for her. She has a higher IQ but managing the day-to-day activities of the school day was becoming a challenge in and around 5-6th. She’s now in high and I wish we didn’t have to send her to college just as she turns 18. It seems like she has to work so much harder- which hard work isn’t the problem— but it is exhausting. There is NO Shame in waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do it and don’t look back. You won’t regret it. We did it for our son (April birthday), and it’s the best thing we ever did for him. He thrived academically, socially and, yes, athletically (for those who have to ask).

I did not realize people were holding back April birthdays. Interesting. Is this common?

Know a set of twins who did this, but no one else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish we could go back in time and give our D’s another year in pre-K. The teacher said she’d be bored if we did so and off to kinder she went. All was ok until late elementary. Her classmates (socially) seemed so much older and my kid always tried to fit in and it seemed forced to us. The girls developed way earlier than my kid, so it was awkward for her. She has a higher IQ but managing the day-to-day activities of the school day was becoming a challenge in and around 5-6th. She’s now in high and I wish we didn’t have to send her to college just as she turns 18. It seems like she has to work so much harder- which hard work isn’t the problem— but it is exhausting. There is NO Shame in waiting.

Gap year before college for catch up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do it and don’t look back. You won’t regret it. We did it for our son (April birthday), and it’s the best thing we ever did for him. He thrived academically, socially and, yes, athletically (for those who have to ask).

I did not realize people were holding back April birthdays. Interesting. Is this common?

No, it’s rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish we could go back in time and give our D’s another year in pre-K. The teacher said she’d be bored if we did so and off to kinder she went. All was ok until late elementary. Her classmates (socially) seemed so much older and my kid always tried to fit in and it seemed forced to us. The girls developed way earlier than my kid, so it was awkward for her. She has a higher IQ but managing the day-to-day activities of the school day was becoming a challenge in and around 5-6th. She’s now in high and I wish we didn’t have to send her to college just as she turns 18. It seems like she has to work so much harder- which hard work isn’t the problem— but it is exhausting. There is NO Shame in waiting.

I could have written this myself, though we are in late elementary.

[Anonymous]

My daughter has a late August birthday and we sent her "on time." She was academically ready, but as far as maturing with the rest of her class, she was behind in many ways. In sports she was put with the class of kids below her class for her age and it made her upset she couldn’t be with her school friends. If I had the chance to do it over, I would have waited and sent her a year later. There is no need to rush it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish we could go back in time and give our D’s another year in pre-K. The teacher said she’d be bored if we did so and off to kinder she went. All was ok until late elementary. Her classmates (socially) seemed so much older and my kid always tried to fit in and it seemed forced to us. The girls developed way earlier than my kid, so it was awkward for her. She has a higher IQ but managing the day-to-day activities of the school day was becoming a challenge in and around 5-6th. She’s now in high and I wish we didn’t have to send her to college just as she turns 18. It seems like she has to work so much harder- which hard work isn’t the problem— but it is exhausting. There is NO Shame in waiting.

This post resonates with me. We actually waited to send my Aug DD, so she’s one of the older girls in her grade. She plays soccer with girls in the grade above her, and it’s a constant reminder that we made the right choice. The girls seem so much older and are into things my kid isn’t into just yet.

[Anonymous]

We didn’t want our summer kids in the same grade so didn’t hold back the older one. She’s struggling academically and socially is a mess these two Covid years, but likely for neurotypical-atypical reasons. Hard to tell w girls.

Are currently wonder if repeating a grade in Elementary, at a different school or even public, would allow her to mature or at least take that factor out of the equation.

[Anonymous]

I really appreciate all the examples on both sides that people have given AND how it affected the child later down the road. I'm struggling with the decision for my DD, who has a July birthday, is shy, and has mild ADD. Reading is going well but she struggles with working memory and processing speed, which together presents the most problems for math skills. I have no doubt another year of Kindergarten would help her in the short term but am struggling with if it is truly necessary. I think we can address many challenges with tutors and I worry that holding her back will have a negative impact on her self esteem and I would have regrets many years down the road. I know there is no right or wrong answer and everyone's situation is unique to their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really appreciate all the examples on both sides that people have given AND how it affected the child later down the road. I'm struggling with the decision for my DD, who has a July birthday, is shy, and has mild ADD. Reading is going well but she struggles with working memory and processing speed, which together presents the most problems for math skills. I have no doubt another year of Kindergarten would help her in the short term but am struggling with if it is truly necessary. I think we can address many challenges with tutors and I worry that holding her back will have a negative impact on her self esteem and I would have regrets many years down the road. I know there is no right or wrong answer and everyone's situation is unique to their family.

As to the impact on self-esteem, the environment really matters. This post is on a private/independent school forum, and if you’re referring to independent schools then there is zero stigma and zero impact on self-esteem. It’s just too common for anyone to care at all. This is probably also true in some public schools, but in others it would be rarer and more noticeable.

Having said that, even if it were rare and noticeable, if you think it’s the best choice for your child’s education and development and I say stick to it and double down hard on supporting her self-esteem when she’s a little different. There are many, many kids who are different from the norm for one reason or another, and it is not a foregone conclusion that differences lead to low self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

The thing about all of these posts is that you don't have a do-over. These children could have had awkward social years even if they had been held back AND they would have been academically bored.
It's crazy to me to think that so many parents believe that if only they had held their kids back a year that they would not face any struggle, academic or social. That is simply not the case. It's the anxiety of DCUM parents with private school kids to think that they can, or could have, controlled their kids' outcomes by making the "right" decisions. And then, to tell other parents with such unfounded affirmation that this is what they should do is frankly hubristic. You have no idea if your kids' lives would have been better or even worse if you had held your kids back. None.
OP, trust the experts - trust the preschool teachers and the admissions officers who have worked with hundreds if not thousands of kids over the course of their professional careers. If they think your kid would be better off going to school on time, follow their advice. Or at least think long and hard about why you think your opinion ought to outweigh their years of experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing about all of these posts is that you don't have a do-over. These children could have had awkward social years even if they had been held back AND they would have been academically bored.
It's crazy to me to think that so many parents believe that if only they had held their kids back a year that they would not face any struggle, academic or social. That is simply not the case. It's the anxiety of DCUM parents with private school kids to think that they can, or could have, controlled their kids' outcomes by making the "right" decisions. And then, to tell other parents with such unfounded affirmation that this is what they should do is frankly hubristic. You have no idea if your kids' lives would have been better or even worse if you had held your kids back. None.
OP, trust the experts - trust the preschool teachers and the admissions officers who have worked with hundreds if not thousands of kids over the course of their professional careers. If they think your kid would be better off going to school on time, follow their advice. Or at least think long and hard about why you think your opinion ought to outweigh their years of experience.

PP, I don't entirely disagree with you, particularly when you are talking about private school admissions officers.

However. for the vast majority of children, recommendations are made based on academic readiness demonstrated in pre-school by teachers who have no expertise such areas as adolescent child development. The majority of kids with summer birthdays will probably be fine starting school on time. However, there is a subset of kids with a variety of issues, whether it is special needs, small size, socially immature, poor executive function skills, that may benefit from an extra year.

No one is saying that the extra year will pave a perfect, obstacle free path for a child. But certain aspects of a child's experience, particularly in the difficult middle school year, might be easier if the child starts later. As an example, my son, who teachers thought was ready to start on time, was in the less than 5th percentile for height and weight. Being the youngest in the class and not reaching puberty until sophomore year of high school was incredibly difficult and made it difficult to connect with his peers.

It isn't just about academics.