Imposing relatives on MY birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they wanted an excuse to have a vacation together. Can you drop in for a day or two and continue with your plans?

If not, tell them you hope they have a great time, and maybe plan another time to see them.

This was quite imposing on them on you, but hopefully it was with good intentions. If so, I'd be gentle with your decline.

I cannot drop in for a day or two because the plan for my birthday was to go to Florida. They are renting a house in WVa. Also, why would I drop in? No one consulted me. They can't make it "oh, we wanted to come and see you on your birthday". That's not what I wanted, I didn't invite them. Even DCs know that birthdays are about what birthday people want. You may not always like it but it's their day, you go along with it, and no, b-day people are not selfish for asking one day a year to be about them and their needs.

Your fellow introvert jumping in to emphasize that you were already going to Florida?! Listen, at this point continue with your Florida plans and they can have their now family reunion.

Yes, I had a hotel booked. Luckily everything is refundable these days and it was supposed to be a road trip from DC to FL.

Wait, you already had a trip to Florida booked and when they sprung this it was not immediately shut down? Why not?

^^Meaning, why was the in-law trip not immediately refused since you already had plans?

OP said she’s a frontline worker who doesn’t get a lot of time off. Her Dh had to pretend to go along with the Florida idea so that OP would take the time off. He planned his family get together for when he knew he could have her take vacation time.

BINGO! And he knew she could not stand his family and yet... Yeah, he's a piece of shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope OP returns and tells us if DH knew about the week in WV.

DH confessed that he was involved in the planning, this was supposed to be a surprise. 'It's so hard to get everyone together, we can go to Florida any time'.

I told him I am taking DCs and going to FL to celebrate my day. If he wants to come - great. If he'd rather spend time with his parents and siblings - fine too. I don't get a ton of leave, I am a frontline worker. Once a year I want my birthday to be about ME, not about someone else's feelings.

If my spouse planned a birthday party for me and people spent a lot of money making it happen, it would be world war 3 in my house if I refused to show up. I wouldn't do that to my spouse, but if I did, it would not go over at all.

Right. If your spouse knew you wanted to do X for your birthday and that trip was already planned and he planned a family reunion with his entire side of the family and ambushed you with it and then made you feel guilty you'd just be A-ok. Sure.

Right? The Get Over It crowd would not be one bit OK with this if it was them.

[Anonymous]

I place 100% of the blame on the husband. He, knowingly, allowed his wife to make arrangements for Florida while he knew about the family WV party plans. That said, I would not blow up this vacation if front of all the in-laws. Your anger (which I fully agree with) should be you and your spouse’s private business. You do not want any of the in-laws participating in your marital issues. I am a firm believer that you put your anger aside and face the family with your dignity.

If you plan to divorce over this, disregard my advice.

[Anonymous]

Please show your husband this thread.

[Anonymous]

If your husband actually was all “yeah, great, let’s go to Florida, you should book that!” While at the same time booking a trip with his family. I would be in burn it down mode — particularly if he knew that you didn’t love spending large chunks of time with his family. I would probably make him go to counseling with me. But, I also wonder what else this guy is terrible about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree with you that no vacation plans should have been made with your direct input and knowledge, I do have to say that adults who use terms like "the big 4-0" and make a big fuss over ***MY bIrthDaY*** are so annoying. Like, shut up, adult birthdays are truly not a big deal.

Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy birthdayyyyyyyyyyyyy adults are just the worst. Nobody cares. Get over yourself.

This! Get over it.

Yeah...not until you walked in my shoes. Where were you on your 39th birthday? I was working with COVID patients while you were probably hiding at home. On my 38th I was taking care of DC with pneumonia. So don’t try to shame me for trying to make one day a year about me. I earned it.

[Anonymous]

This is why i hate surprise anythings.

[Anonymous]

I’d be careful about the whole Florida thing—you don’t want them to cancel the house and then join you in Florida. Lay low until closer to the time. Go with your kids or send them with your husband—whatever—but go to Florida and have a great time. I think it’s super selfish and controlling if the others to try and force you to do what they want for an entire week around your birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a DH problem. He should have intervened long ago, before tickets were bought.

+ 100. Is there no family on your side? I cannot imagine a scenario where a husband thinks, I know the best gift, a week with in-laws. A trip like that for his birthday maybe, but not yours unless you ask for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be really angry with my husband, and he would be well aware of it. I would likely remind him of this screwup from time to time for the rest of our lives, but over time it would become more of a joke.

But honestly, I would likely go for part of the family trip, if not all. And then, I would expect my husband to plan the exact event I wanted on a different date. But I don’t care about my actual birth date particularly. And I also don’t despise my in-laws. A full week would be less than ideal, but they are fine.

X 100

[Anonymous]

No clue the marriage fallout to this, but I keep thinking if you are frontline worker and limited PTO, maybe you can celebrate actual birthday day with your kids and then grab another frontliner or 2 and you guys go to Florida (kids can go with husband to inlaws).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope OP returns and tells us if DH knew about the week in WV.

DH confessed that he was involved in the planning, this was supposed to be a surprise. 'It's so hard to get everyone together, we can go to Florida any time'.

I told him I am taking DCs and going to FL to celebrate my day. If he wants to come - great. If he'd rather spend time with his parents and siblings - fine too. I don't get a ton of leave, I am a frontline worker. Once a year I want my birthday to be about ME, not about someone else's feelings.

If my spouse planned a birthday party for me and people spent a lot of money making it happen, it would be world war 3 in my house if I refused to show up. I wouldn't do that to my spouse, but if I did, it would not go over at all.

Yeah this is all bad.

What I would do is first plead with dh to fix the problem (by that, I mean get us out of it). If it's just impossible, or If I'm satisfied that wwIII would break out if we cancelled completely, I would go along to get along, but only for one or two nights. I'd save the rest of my paid leave time for a florida trip later in the year ( or sometime soon).

I could see this happening in my family and this is how I'd handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No clue the marriage fallout to this, but I keep thinking if you are frontline worker and limited PTO, maybe you can celebrate actual birthday day with your kids and then grab another frontliner or 2 and you guys go to Florida (kids can go with husband to inlaws).

Heck yes.

[Anonymous]

who the hell would want to spend a week in West Virginia? What the hell will they do all week. Sorry for my ignorance, but what is there to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be really angry with my husband, and he would be well aware of it. I would likely remind him of this screwup from time to time for the rest of our lives, but over time it would become more of a joke.

But honestly, I would likely go for part of the family trip, if not all. And then, I would expect my husband to plan the exact event I wanted on a different date. But I don’t care about my actual birth date particularly. And I also don’t despise my in-laws. A full week would be less than ideal, but they are fine.

If you do this, the husband needs to plan her Florida vacation on his birthday and make it all about her.