Shared family beach house - how to handle politely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH has to have a key to the property. Jut go ahead and plane the dates you want. Send DH to the house 2 days early to either set up or clear everyone out. Why should his brother get more say than he does? Especially for a milestone bday.

Your MIL is a pill. I'd die if she were mine.

It’s not his brother: it’s his cousin. The co-owner is the MIL’s nephew. As in MIL and her sibling co-owned the place, the sibling died, so the nephew is now co-owner.

So you’re way out of line.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Your DH has to have a key to the property. Jut go ahead and plane the dates you want. Send DH to the house 2 days early to either set up or clear everyone out. Why should his brother get more say than he does? Especially for a milestone bday.

Your MIL is a pill. I'd die if she were mine.[/quote]

Yeah, don’t do this. The owner always has priority over a family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH has to have a key to the property. Jut go ahead and plane the dates you want. Send DH to the house 2 days early to either set up or clear everyone out. Why should his brother get more say than he does? Especially for a milestone bday.

Your MIL is a pill. I'd die if she were mine.

It’s not his brother: it’s his cousin. The co-owner is the MIL’s nephew. As in MIL and her sibling co-owned the place, the sibling died, so the nephew is now co-owner.

So you’re way out of line.

So he think he moved up the line? After all these years they are just now supposed to pretend one of them is a second class citizen. Gross.

OP- just use the dates you want. It's not like the cousin would call the police. And if he did they tell you its a civil matter.

Call their bluff. They are being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The DCUM bullies are all here!

Yeah, and all the entitled brats too!

Yes, they're one and the same. The bullies think they're entitled to pass judgment on every OP by filling in their own delusional "facts."

Where is the delusion in:
1) The fact that the only actual owners of this property are MIL and her nephew
2) The fact that MIL has told OP/DH not to contact the nephew directly about scheduling.

Dispute those facts. Show me the delusion. I'll wait.

Good, keep waiting and maybe hold your breath while you're at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The DCUM bullies are all here!

Yeah, and all the entitled brats too!

Yes, they're one and the same. The bullies think they're entitled to pass judgment on every OP by filling in their own delusional "facts."

Where is the delusion in:
1) The fact that the only actual owners of this property are MIL and her nephew
2) The fact that MIL has told OP/DH not to contact the nephew directly about scheduling.

Dispute those facts. Show me the delusion. I'll wait.

Good, keep waiting and maybe hold your breath while you're at it.

What logic and truth you’ve shown! Haha, book your own vacation. Like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH has to have a key to the property. Jut go ahead and plane the dates you want. Send DH to the house 2 days early to either set up or clear everyone out. Why should his brother get more say than he does? Especially for a milestone bday.

Your MIL is a pill. I'd die if she were mine.

It’s not his brother: it’s his cousin. The co-owner is the MIL’s nephew. As in MIL and her sibling co-owned the place, the sibling died, so the nephew is now co-owner.

So you’re way out of line.

So he think he moved up the line? After all these years they are just now supposed to pretend one of them is a second class citizen. Gross.

OP- just use the dates you want. It's not like the cousin would call the police. And if he did they tell you its a civil matter.

Call their bluff. They are being unreasonable.

If you want DH to legally be an owner like his cousin is, MIL has to croak. Which clearly OP would not mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing about summer homes that are misrepresented by the owner as "everyone's" - owner likes the idea of family time spent there, but as title holder does not want to share control.
I get it - I've helped do physical labor and maintain my Ex-DH's family summer home that was constantly being represented as a shared retreat for all of us. That's the only way they can get their guests (i.e. kids and grandkids) to pitch in and rake, caulk, open/close the pool, deal with the failing septic, etc... But, at the end of the day, nobody but his parents could invite guests and if anybody dared to invite a friend, the parents made sure to park themselves there on the couch and let everyone know who was boss.
Dear OP, it's not truly a shared home and your DD's sentimentality is misplaced. She's at a good age to understand the social power dynamics of holding /not-holding landed gentry status. And so she should never get roped into cleaning gutters that does not belong to her.

We have a similar situation on my stepmother's side. Her parents owned a bay house that while rundown and ramshackle, is very sentimental to stepmom, as she grew up spending long weekends and summer there. Her parents died and the house passed to stepmom and her 2 siblings. Equal shares to to 3 children. Stepmom and her siblings each have 3 children. So soon, there will be 9 owners of this house. Some don't live in the states, there is always drama about paying for the maintenance of the house. Stepmom's siblings were very controlling about decision making and use of the house - so my siblings and I rarely went, even when invited as we did not want to be seen as moochers once we hit late teens and realized this dynamic. As the 9 kids have become adults, it is pretty clear that they were not happy with their parents' iron grip on the house and increasing demands for money for repairs and maintenance, but then no quid pro quo with use. My dad has put a lot of his money toward the upkeep of this house, as stepmom's spouse, and my siblings and I still rarely go, as we never liked dealing with the stepmom siblings playing couch commando exactly as PP mentioned. They would actually sit on the couch and control the one television in the house, refusing to put on a show that others would enjoy, just to flex their power. As a teen, I was required to do a lot of work to help keep this house up. I have cleaned gutters, cut grass, weeded, helped rebuild a crumbling shed, laid a paver patio, laid a gravel driveway, scrubbed pool tiles, in the algae filled pool, cleaned bathrooms, cleaned the kitchen endlessly and the list goes on. Far more than my fair share for the few weekends of shared use and sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag in the kids room that I received in return each year. Now both of stepmoms siblings have passed and there is even more drama as the 6 adult children (all with spouses and kids) are now co-owners with stepmom. this house has 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a beach house for certain dates? Go rent one. Like a grown-up. Be grateful that MIL and DH's cousin have given you free rides this long. You entitled brat.

With respect, you sound pointlessly aggressive and like someone who just doesn’t get the common dynamic of a large family sharing a summer house. Usually two elders or whatever “own” it, but everyone splits dates. This sounds typical to me, not like mooching. This board loves to hunt for ulterior motives. You need to take a step back.

I’m not PP but I’m in a family that grew up with a family owned beach house. The siblings and cousins with their crap together end up buying their own place because nobody wants to be in situations like this. To top it off, OP isn’t even direct family nor an equity owner. Maybe she’s not a moocher but how do you not feel ‘low’ begging to use someone else’s lake house in your 50s? I’m sorry — but after graduate school and at the very latest past age 30 it’s uncouth to beg for other people’s beach homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The DCUM bullies are all here!

Yeah, and all the entitled brats too!

Yes, they're one and the same. The bullies think they're entitled to pass judgment on every OP by filling in their own delusional "facts."

Where is the delusion in:
1) The fact that the only actual owners of this property are MIL and her nephew
2) The fact that MIL has told OP/DH not to contact the nephew directly about scheduling.

Dispute those facts. Show me the delusion. I'll wait.

Good, keep waiting and maybe hold your breath while you're at it.

What logic and truth you’ve shown! Haha, book your own vacation. Like an adult.

You're not replying to OP, lol. Maybe get a new line or just stop being an internet bully. Like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH has to have a key to the property. Jut go ahead and plane the dates you want. Send DH to the house 2 days early to either set up or clear everyone out. Why should his brother get more say than he does? Especially for a milestone bday.

Your MIL is a pill. I'd die if she were mine.

It’s not his brother: it’s his cousin. The co-owner is the MIL’s nephew. As in MIL and her sibling co-owned the place, the sibling died, so the nephew is now co-owner.

So you’re way out of line.

So he think he moved up the line? After all these years they are just now supposed to pretend one of them is a second class citizen. Gross.

OP- just use the dates you want. It's not like the cousin would call the police. And if he did they tell you its a civil matter.

Call their bluff. They are being unreasonable.

If you want DH to legally be an owner like his cousin is, MIL has to croak. Which clearly OP would not mind.

She doesn’t have to croak — OP, her husband (and his twin brother?) can just offer to buy mom out. They won’t. Because they’re cheap moochers who want to inherit it for free after mom spends all of her money on taxes and upkeep for another 10-20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cousin has said something to MIL which is why she isnt pushing him. you mention contributing to the upkeep of the house. If this is in fact true and it is an amount that makes it fair for you to stay there, then I would have DH gently remind his mom of your contributions.

Very obvious something more is going on. And could just be as simple as DIL (OP) planning a party full of non-family is just viewed as crossing the line to MIL. Nobody wants to be on the liability hook for potentially drunken random teens at THEIR beach house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your MIL's reluctance to press her nephew for dates could be a warning to you that she isn't contributing financially to the house anymore. Maybe he is paying the taxes, utilities, etc, and she doesn't think she has the right to ask for specific dates. Maybe she'll now be getting the leftovers.

Very, very good point. I’d add, with interest rates at historic lows, maybe the nephew bought MIL out. Might want to check the local assessor’s website.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH has to have a key to the property. Jut go ahead and plane the dates you want. Send DH to the house 2 days early to either set up or clear everyone out. Why should his brother get more say than he does? Especially for a milestone bday.

Your MIL is a pill. I'd die if she were mine.

It’s not his brother: it’s his cousin. The co-owner is the MIL’s nephew. As in MIL and her sibling co-owned the place, the sibling died, so the nephew is now co-owner.

So you’re way out of line.

So he think he moved up the line? After all these years they are just now supposed to pretend one of them is a second class citizen. Gross.

OP- just use the dates you want. It's not like the cousin would call the police. And if he did they tell you its a civil matter.

Call their bluff. They are being unreasonable.

The death you inherited half of the house from his mother. The original posters mother-in-law owns the other half. So yes, this nephew/cousin has way more power and control over the house. Because he owns it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH has to have a key to the property. Jut go ahead and plane the dates you want. Send DH to the house 2 days early to either set up or clear everyone out. Why should his brother get more say than he does? Especially for a milestone bday.

Your MIL is a pill. I'd die if she were mine.

It’s not his brother: it’s his cousin. The co-owner is the MIL’s nephew. As in MIL and her sibling co-owned the place, the sibling died, so the nephew is now co-owner.

So you’re way out of line.

So he think he moved up the line? After all these years they are just now supposed to pretend one of them is a second class citizen. Gross.

OP- just use the dates you want. It's not like the cousin would call the police. And if he did they tell you its a civil matter.

Call their bluff. They are being unreasonable.

The death you inherited half of the house from his mother. The original posters mother-in-law owns the other half. So yes, this nephew/cousin has way more power and control over the house. Because he owns it

This should have said the nephew inherited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm the OP and just came back this morning to see all these messages calling me an entitled brat, spoiled, and telling us to rent our own house. Sometimes this board can be just...callous. I guess I should know that.
For my own peace of mind because it's not fun to be derided, even if it's by strangers on a message board, I guess I should clarify:

There is no mortgage. This was a house built from scratch by DH's grandparents. It is a small modest home that he has grown up going to every year of his life, for free, since birth. Every year that I have known him, 20 years now, each family member has automatically taken a week. This isn't "mooching." This is how it's always been done in the family. We always knew we'd be going for a week this summer. The question I was posing is how to navigate "when." There was no question of us going. His mother would be insulted if we offered to pay for a week. DH would be flabbergasted. This is the house where he carved his initials in the walls, measured his height, grew up celebrating every milestone. We're not some random second-cousin trying to mooch for free at a five-star resort on the Riviera. Maybe that's a fun narrative on a Saturday night anonymous message board.

Literally all I wanted to know was how to navigate the complicated family dynamics of everyone trying to schedule a week. DH is doing the liaison with his mom. I am not involved at all. He has flatly refused to rent a house in the same town -- and his mom would be mortified if we did. Talk about causing a family rift. We literally just need to nail down our daughter's birthday, which she has celebrated at this home every year since 2004 without question or funds exchanged.

I really hope the people who get off on being so nasty on this board can take a pause. And I thank everyone who wrote in with honest replies for the feedback. I wish we could have a shared google cal. Would make it simpler.

Sweetie, it’s called liability. Immediate family is not the same as a PARTY with random teens, especially when multiple owners are involved. You don’t pay the mortgage, you don’t pay taxes, you don’t pay insurance premiums. Very few in their right mind would ever let a guest throw a party at their home.

If you’ve been going for that long you most certainly know other rentals in the area.