Shared family beach house - how to handle politely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a beach house for certain dates? Go rent one. Like a grown-up. Be grateful that MIL and DH's cousin have given you free rides this long. You entitled brat.

With respect, you sound pointlessly aggressive and like someone who just doesn’t get the common dynamic of a large family sharing a summer house. Usually two elders or whatever “own” it, but everyone splits dates. This sounds typical to me, not like mooching. This board loves to hunt for ulterior motives. You need to take a step back.

And it also ignores 20 years of history. Very strange.

OP, I think your real issue is with your MIL here. She's the owner, and is entitled to use the house as much as her nephew. She also has coordinated schedules in the past. She's being a little unreasonable, given the particular circumstances here, not getting in touch with her nephew, and saying, "Look, I know you're swamped, and we don't have to decide the entire schedule now, but we need one of these two weeks, and need to figure it out quickly. We'd prefer week 1, but week 2 works as well. Do you have any issue if we take week 1?"

This is an easy email, and if she doesn't hear back in 48 hours, a 3 minute phone call.

I think everyone understands the MIL is the barrier, and may have reasons for it that OP isn't privy to - but the simple fact is there isn't much OP can do about it.

I think OP feels treated unfairly, not based on entitlement but based on history. The MIL doesn't want to help them get their fair share (and I say "fair" not based on legality but on precedent and that MIL and her family should get to use it 50/50 if she owns half) and is putting the nephew over her own son and granddaughter and that is painful to experience regardless of how many other beach houses OP can or cannot afford to rent. MIL just wants to sweep whatever is going on (which could be as simple as nephew will whine but ultimately get over it) under the rug rather than have her own boundaries with the nephew. She's not saying they can't stay in her house because it's hers (in which case I feel some of the advice here would apply), she's saying I won't rock the boat with the nephew to allow her own fair share to benefit her closer relatives.

[Anonymous]

The cousin has said something to MIL which is why she isnt pushing him. you mention contributing to the upkeep of the house. If this is in fact true and it is an amount that makes it fair for you to stay there, then I would have DH gently remind his mom of your contributions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm the OP and just came back this morning to see all these messages calling me an entitled brat, spoiled, and telling us to rent our own house. Sometimes this board can be just...callous. I guess I should know that.
For my own peace of mind because it's not fun to be derided, even if it's by strangers on a message board, I guess I should clarify:

There is no mortgage. This was a house built from scratch by DH's grandparents. It is a small modest home that he has grown up going to every year of his life, for free, since birth. Every year that I have known him, 20 years now, each family member has automatically taken a week. This isn't "mooching." This is how it's always been done in the family. We always knew we'd be going for a week this summer. The question I was posing is how to navigate "when." There was no question of us going. His mother would be insulted if we offered to pay for a week. DH would be flabbergasted. This is the house where he carved his initials in the walls, measured his height, grew up celebrating every milestone. We're not some random second-cousin trying to mooch for free at a five-star resort on the Riviera. Maybe that's a fun narrative on a Saturday night anonymous message board.

Literally all I wanted to know was how to navigate the complicated family dynamics of everyone trying to schedule a week. DH is doing the liaison with his mom. I am not involved at all. He has flatly refused to rent a house in the same town -- and his mom would be mortified if we did. Talk about causing a family rift. We literally just need to nail down our daughter's birthday, which she has celebrated at this home every year since 2004 without question or funds exchanged.

I really hope the people who get off on being so nasty on this board can take a pause. And I thank everyone who wrote in with honest replies for the feedback. I wish we could have a shared google cal. Would make it simpler.

For your own peace of mind, just rent a house. Or tell your MIL that you need to know by a certain date or you will rent a house. Explain because it’s a surprise party you need to know. You can do this politely. It sounds like the nephew is purposefully not answering. I would not want to have to risk him changing his mind. I think you need to start viewing this house as something you can use without a lot of advance planning, and just accept that if you need to plan far in advance, you will need to rent. I realize some people were being mean, but the main point is you are not an owner and the owners do not seem to be willing to allow you to reserve a week this far in advance. You said you use the house less than others. I wonder if the ownership dynamic is evolving to give your nephew more control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm the OP and just came back this morning to see all these messages calling me an entitled brat, spoiled, and telling us to rent our own house. Sometimes this board can be just...callous. I guess I should know that.
For my own peace of mind because it's not fun to be derided, even if it's by strangers on a message board, I guess I should clarify:

There is no mortgage. This was a house built from scratch by DH's grandparents. It is a small modest home that he has grown up going to every year of his life, for free, since birth. Every year that I have known him, 20 years now, each family member has automatically taken a week. This isn't "mooching." This is how it's always been done in the family. We always knew we'd be going for a week this summer. The question I was posing is how to navigate "when." There was no question of us going. His mother would be insulted if we offered to pay for a week. DH would be flabbergasted. This is the house where he carved his initials in the walls, measured his height, grew up celebrating every milestone. We're not some random second-cousin trying to mooch for free at a five-star resort on the Riviera. Maybe that's a fun narrative on a Saturday night anonymous message board.

Literally all I wanted to know was how to navigate the complicated family dynamics of everyone trying to schedule a week. DH is doing the liaison with his mom. I am not involved at all. He has flatly refused to rent a house in the same town -- and his mom would be mortified if we did. Talk about causing a family rift. We literally just need to nail down our daughter's birthday, which she has celebrated at this home every year since 2004 without question or funds exchanged.

I really hope the people who get off on being so nasty on this board can take a pause. And I thank everyone who wrote in with honest replies for the feedback. I wish we could have a shared google cal. Would make it simpler.

For your own peace of mind, just rent a house. Or tell your MIL that you need to know by a certain date or you will rent a house. Explain because it’s a surprise party you need to know. You can do this politely. It sounds like the nephew is purposefully not answering. I would not want to have to risk him changing his mind. I think you need to start viewing this house as something you can use without a lot of advance planning, and just accept that if you need to plan far in advance, you will need to rent. I realize some people were being mean, but the main point is you are not an owner and the owners do not seem to be willing to allow you to reserve a week this far in advance. You said you use the house less than others. I wonder if the ownership dynamic is evolving to give your nephew more control.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your MIL about the surprise party? Maybe she isn’t thrilled two strangers are going to be staying at the house? Maybe she doesn’t want a party to happen at the house and prefers only family use the house.

This was my gut response actually— being willing to have an adult child and his family use the beach house for a week every summer isn’t the same as the beach house hosting a sweet sixteen...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your MIL about the surprise party? Maybe she isn’t thrilled two strangers are going to be staying at the house? Maybe she doesn’t want a party to happen at the house and prefers only family use the house.

This was my gut response actually— being willing to have an adult child and his family use the beach house for a week every summer isn’t the same as the beach house hosting a sweet sixteen...

I posted about MIL not wanting party. Our family has a beach house and that is a ground rule . You can’t block out time so you can then host other people at the house. Family members have priority. And this is especially the case this year due to Covid. A tag along friend is different than inviting multiple friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your MIL about the surprise party? Maybe she isn’t thrilled two strangers are going to be staying at the house? Maybe she doesn’t want a party to happen at the house and prefers only family use the house.

This was my gut response actually— being willing to have an adult child and his family use the beach house for a week every summer isn’t the same as the beach house hosting a sweet sixteen...

I posted about MIL not wanting party. Our family has a beach house and that is a ground rule . You can’t block out time so you can then host other people at the house. Family members have priority. And this is especially the case this year due to Covid. A tag along friend is different than inviting multiple friends.

But again, then MIL just needs to own her (or her/nephew's shared) boundaries and say we are not allowing non-family and give a clear no. Not a wishy-washy, it's not my fault but I can't bother the poor nephew response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rent a house for the week and have your DH let your MIL know. Just say it's not a problem if the nephew needs the home for that week, or alternatively we are happy to cancel the rental if the week doesn't work out, but we needed to make a back up plan. Get cancel for any reason insurance. If MIL would indeed be "mortified", you will hear from her and can cancel the rental.

This is the best path, IMO. If OP and her DH and kids have used the house for this DD's birthday week every year, as OP says, I find it odd that this year nephew and MIL are acting cagey. If nephew isn't in some terrible crunch time at work, there is certainly more to this. Maybe they don't want a party with multiple teens, maybe nephew is getting more controlling and MIL would rather not fight it, or maybe MIL is just in a mood. I would make an alternate plan and let it go.

[Anonymous]

MIL & Nephew are in complete control. Even if they want to provide this gift to you, if they screw-up and it doesn't happen, too bad. It's a gift. Your DH and you can not dictate *the way* or timing of a gift to you.

[Anonymous]

OP no matter what happened in the past securing a certain week is not happening on your schedule. There may be damage to the house. The new owner may not want to share etc etc. you really do need to make other plans. Especially since you are making it complicated with surprise other families.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing about summer homes that are misrepresented by the owner as "everyone's" - owner likes the idea of family time spent there, but as title holder does not want to share control.
I get it - I've helped do physical labor and maintain my Ex-DH's family summer home that was constantly being represented as a shared retreat for all of us. That's the only way they can get their guests (i.e. kids and grandkids) to pitch in and rake, caulk, open/close the pool, deal with the failing septic, etc... But, at the end of the day, nobody but his parents could invite guests and if anybody dared to invite a friend, the parents made sure to park themselves there on the couch and let everyone know who was boss.
Dear OP, it's not truly a shared home and your DD's sentimentality is misplaced. She's at a good age to understand the social power dynamics of holding /not-holding landed gentry status. And so she should never get roped into cleaning gutters that does not belong to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a beach house for certain dates? Go rent one. Like a grown-up. Be grateful that MIL and DH's cousin have given you free rides this long. You entitled brat.

With respect, you sound pointlessly aggressive and like someone who just doesn’t get the common dynamic of a large family sharing a summer house. Usually two elders or whatever “own” it, but everyone splits dates. This sounds typical to me, not like mooching. This board loves to hunt for ulterior motives. You need to take a step back.

And it also ignores 20 years of history. Very strange.

OP, I think your real issue is with your MIL here. She's the owner, and is entitled to use the house as much as her nephew. She also has coordinated schedules in the past. She's being a little unreasonable, given the particular circumstances here, not getting in touch with her nephew, and saying, "Look, I know you're swamped, and we don't have to decide the entire schedule now, but we need one of these two weeks, and need to figure it out quickly. We'd prefer week 1, but week 2 works as well. Do you have any issue if we take week 1?"

This is an easy email, and if she doesn't hear back in 48 hours, a 3 minute phone call.

I think everyone understands the MIL is the barrier, and may have reasons for it that OP isn't privy to - but the simple fact is there isn't much OP can do about it.

I think OP feels treated unfairly, not based on entitlement but based on history. The MIL doesn't want to help them get their fair share (and I say "fair" not based on legality but on precedent and that MIL and her family should get to use it 50/50 if she owns half) and is putting the nephew over her own son and granddaughter and that is painful to experience regardless of how many other beach houses OP can or cannot afford to rent. MIL just wants to sweep whatever is going on (which could be as simple as nephew will whine but ultimately get over it) under the rug rather than have her own boundaries with the nephew. She's not saying they can't stay in her house because it's hers (in which case I feel some of the advice here would apply), she's saying I won't rock the boat with the nephew to allow her own fair share to benefit her closer relatives.

While I can see this perspective that it sucks, I just can't see how OP *does* seem to feel entitled not only to her feelings, but to dig in her heels and try to "politely" steamroll/circumvent/manipulate/change MIL's mind/make MIL make up her mind sooner. Which just...isn't right.

Like, if my sister let me borrow her dressy clothing and jewelry for events for years, and then suddenly stopped, I can see feeling confused or bummed. But I can't see doing anything other than accepting my sister's decision about her own belongings.

If OP just stated her feelings, and included info on how things have been done for years, I think we could all agree...yeah, that feels a little confusing, I can see why you're disappointed. But OP's not just feeling her feelings; she's trying to "politely" go against her MIL's already-expressed wishes and decisions, when she has zero right to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your MIL about the surprise party? Maybe she isn’t thrilled two strangers are going to be staying at the house? Maybe she doesn’t want a party to happen at the house and prefers only family use the house.

This was my gut response actually— being willing to have an adult child and his family use the beach house for a week every summer isn’t the same as the beach house hosting a sweet sixteen...

I posted about MIL not wanting party. Our family has a beach house and that is a ground rule . You can’t block out time so you can then host other people at the house. Family members have priority. And this is especially the case this year due to Covid. A tag along friend is different than inviting multiple friends.

But again, then MIL just needs to own her (or her/nephew's shared) boundaries and say we are not allowing non-family and give a clear no. Not a wishy-washy, it's not my fault but I can't bother the poor nephew response.

It would be NICE and preferable if MIL did that, but MIL does not "need" to do anything to please or satisfy anyone other than herself. I, too, prefer direct communication; but I'm only in control of the way I communicate. If I "need" a direct answer and don't get one for planning purposes, I get out my calendar and my credit card and I book something that suits my needs and preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a beach house for certain dates? Go rent one. Like a grown-up. Be grateful that MIL and DH's cousin have given you free rides this long. You entitled brat.

With respect, you sound pointlessly aggressive and like someone who just doesn’t get the common dynamic of a large family sharing a summer house. Usually two elders or whatever “own” it, but everyone splits dates. This sounds typical to me, not like mooching. This board loves to hunt for ulterior motives. You need to take a step back.

And it also ignores 20 years of history. Very strange.

OP, I think your real issue is with your MIL here. She's the owner, and is entitled to use the house as much as her nephew. She also has coordinated schedules in the past. She's being a little unreasonable, given the particular circumstances here, not getting in touch with her nephew, and saying, "Look, I know you're swamped, and we don't have to decide the entire schedule now, but we need one of these two weeks, and need to figure it out quickly. We'd prefer week 1, but week 2 works as well. Do you have any issue if we take week 1?"

This is an easy email, and if she doesn't hear back in 48 hours, a 3 minute phone call.

I agree that the MIL is being frustrating, but it's beside the point. It's her house, and if she does not want to press the issue with her nephew, that's her choice. It's an annoyoing choice, but what can you do? Accept it and move on, that's what.

[Anonymous]

Your DH has to have a key to the property. Jut go ahead and plane the dates you want. Send DH to the house 2 days early to either set up or clear everyone out. Why should his brother get more say than he does? Especially for a milestone bday.

Your MIL is a pill. I'd die if she were mine.