Shared family beach house - how to handle politely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so much jealousy on this thread. I've noticed that nothing brings the meanies out on DCUM like a vacation home thread.

It’s not jealousy, it’s recognizing an entitled and uncouth non-family skinflint created this thread only to hear what she wanted to do in the first place: Keep pushing and prodding in-laws until she extracted what she wanted — the use of their vacation property.

Sorry we’re perceptive to her passive-aggressive, manipulative and misleading wording.

You're off-base and very invested in this.

Read the entire thread. The subtle way she lays it on thick to get us to be on her side. The way she vaguely implies sans details that she pays bills. Then she quickly shut down comments suggesting she book another place on her dime. Oh no, that was beyond comprehensible. This was created to stoke posts that would encourage her to nag her husband, to nag the MIL, to go over MIL’s head and nag the nephew. See honey, everyone online agrees with me - we have to keep pushing your family until we get what I want.

Why doesn’t OP go nag her family to use one of their houses? Exactly.

I think you are imagining that far more thought went into this than perhaps it did. This isn't a legal argument precisely and persuasively worded before the Supreme Court - reads like a quick post about a common family problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so much jealousy on this thread. I've noticed that nothing brings the meanies out on DCUM like a vacation home thread.

My parents have a lake cottage. DH’s parents pay for a beach rental and invite us every year. And DH and I man our nuclear family vacations, sometimes inviting extended family, sometimes not.

I have never once expected certain weeks, or expected answers about dates/timing on my schedule. If I ever hear “no” or “I can’t answer that yet,” I accept those answers and don’t push. Sorry to thwart your theory.

Every family dynamic is different. This doesn't make you a superior person. It means your dynamic is different. Certain things really do require pre-planning: camp deposits, travel plans, and so forth do operate on an actual, concrete timetable. Do you have older children who are out of the house? Managing many childrens' schedules is different.

My husband and I both work full-time, and our kids are 7.5 and 5, thanks. We know all about schedules and activities.

Here's what we also know: There is one property on this Earth that we have a right to control: our own house.

With my parents' lake cottage, we appreciate both the time we are invited to spend there with my parents/siblings, and the time that we ask for and are granted for, say, when I've had a girls' week there with my girlfriends from college. Sometimes, we ask for certain dates, and it doesn't work because my parents have already invited their friends, or they have allowed my mom's brother to use it for a fishing trip, for example. And yes, sometimes I've asked for dates, but my parents can't get back to me right away, because they've got some moving parts to consider. It's all good, because it's THEIR COTTAGE.

With my ILs' beach rentals, we never say anything but thank you so much for inviting us. We never make a big fuss of timing, because it's *their* vacation that works for their schedule, and they are inviting us along. So yeah, I've cancelled a deposit-down summer camp before, because we would rather our kids see the grandparents, and the grandparents had already put down the deposit on THEIR rental.

We've also treated my parents and ILs to vacations. And we always say thank you, bring contributions, take them out to meals, etc. They've been generous. We do not feel entitled or put out if things don't line up exactly with our schedules, preferences, or wishes.

Because we're adults.

I am sincerely confused as to why this strikes such a nerve for you that you keep asserting your lack of entitlement. In some families, being together doesn't require an "invitation." Also, your kids are young. Wait til they get older and schedules get. more complex. A toddler doesn't have the same schedule as a teen.

Oh, and sorry -- elementary school, not toddler. But the point stands: Every family has a different dynamic. It doesn't make you an "adult" because you have a different one. And teens have way more scheduling factors than 5-year-olds. There's no need to put someone else down.

I was coming here to say just that. Look, we don't have a vacation home but we have friends that do. And the dynamic in those families is more . . . permissible? Flexible? Definitely not the stick-up-your-ass variety of the "adult" poster above. It is expected -and welcome- that family will use the property on occasion.

Look, until you've had teenagers and are juggling those schedules, you really need to STFU about expectations and planning. My child is already hearing scheduling for FALL SPORTS. Fall. It is March. So it is not unreasonable to ask the host families to give a little with planning. If they want no one - fine. That's their house. But that doesn't appear the case.

PP's bizarrely defensive rant is particular to her own situation.

I'm one of the PPs in this thread and I do have a teenager. That has nothing to do with OP's post, which was about prodding the owner of the home to respond to her more quickly.

[Anonymous]

Simple principle: do not prod someone to do something with their property. And certainly do not prod someone to prod a co-owner, or circumvent an owner and go directly to a co-owner, especially when you have been asked not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here and probably good that I didn't find this thread sooner, because I would have hijacked with my own rant. My siblings and I own our late parents' beach house, and every year it is a bit of brawl to schedule. The one sibling without kids pitches a fit if we try to pick weeks that work around camp or other kid activities. It's so petty and sad - but I think these sorts of things bring that out in people.

Wow just wow. Shocking you can’t see how obnoxious YOU are for this. If you all have equal shares of equity, why do you think children entitles you to more voting/decision power? Because it absolutely does not. Your one sibling without kids has every right to demand equal rights and the days s/he wants.

AMEN. My child-free brother has every right to his own preferences, and he does indeed have a busy schedule. I would never, EVER, act like my sister and I have more "need" or say or right or entitlement to time at our sibling-shared (inherited) vacation property just because we have kids.