Shared family beach house - how to handle politely?

[Anonymous]

MIL co-owns a beach-house w/ her nephew (her brother died, and he was original owner with MIL, and it went to nephew/DH's cousin).

For about 20 years we have split up weeks during the summer between DH, DH's twin brother, nephew and nephew's family. MIL is typically the liaison coordinating the summer schedule. We've split up weekends all summer for years. As more people have gotten involved and kids have gotten older, it's become tougher. We rarely go and didn't at all last summer during the pandemic. Others go a lot more.

MY DD's 16th birthday is in July. Two of her camp friends are considering traveling a distance to surprise her at the beach house, which requires some coordination. We're trying to nail down summer dates and offered two possible weekends before/after her birthday. I'm trying to coordinate it with the camp friends' parents and keeping it a secret from DD.

MIL says she'd coordinate timing with nephew but we did not hear back. This was maybe three weeks ago. Yesterday we gently brought it up again and she said she doesn't want to press her nephew because he's really busy and doesn't want to make him feel like he has to arrange his vacation or change it based on anyone else. He lives 20 minutes away from the house and goes a lot, so it doesn't require as much coordination for him to plan. Meanwhile, our kids have camp, summer job, etc., and we do need to plan our travel soon, to say nothing of trying to coordinate with these other friends of DD and their families. And it means a lot to us to give my DD a nice birthday of course.

DH and I don't want to rock the boat at all, but we also just need to nail down our plans. I don't think nephew, who is 74 (he's MIL's age but is her nephew due to huge sibling age gap), remembers what it's like trying to organize kid schedules and stuff. And I get that he needs a vacation and is the rightful co-owner...we just need to plan around it accordingly. Everyone else is on board with our proposed dates. WWYD? MIL has asked us not to ask nephew directly, so we won't. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to accept that the bday thing might not work out. Can you find an alternate place to stay with the friends? It’s not your house, and unfortunately it sounds like MIL isn’t invested in making it happen.

[Anonymous]

(And to clarify, if nephew wanted both of our weekend dates, it would be a bummer, but we'd find something else to do instead. We just need to know one way or the other so we can move ahead with our planning.)

[Anonymous]

If you need to nail down the plan, then you need to rent a place on your own. This is not your house. It is mother in laws. She doesn’t want to create tension with the new phew by demanding a certain weekend.

Really the two families should divide the weeks early in the year and stick to that plan. But it doesn’t seem the mother in law wants to do that so there’s nothing you can do. Come up with a different plan for your kids birthday that doesn’t involve using a house for free that someone else owns and you don’t have control of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(And to clarify, if nephew wanted both of our weekend dates, it would be a bummer, but we'd find something else to do instead. We just need to know one way or the other so we can move ahead with our planning.)

Then assume that the answer is no, you can’t have it, and make another plan. It’s not your house. You aren’t entitled to it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there’s much you can do. I would just ask your husband to very politely ask once in a while or if it’s not feasible to wait try to arrange a different meet up for dd’s bday.

[Anonymous]

I am not wealthy. I purchased my own small place at the beach so I don't have to deal with these kinds of scenarios anymore. Honestly I think you should rent your own place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you need to nail down the plan, then you need to rent a place on your own. This is not your house. It is mother in laws. She doesn’t want to create tension with the new phew by demanding a certain weekend.

Really the two families should divide the weeks early in the year and stick to that plan. But it doesn’t seem the mother in law wants to do that so there’s nothing you can do. Come up with a different plan for your kids birthday that doesn’t involve using a house for free that someone else owns and you don’t have control of.

Well, to be fair, we're not "using a house for free." We're going to the house DH has gone to every summer of his life for 50 years and helps to maintain. We're not mooching

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to nail down the plan, then you need to rent a place on your own. This is not your house. It is mother in laws. She doesn’t want to create tension with the new phew by demanding a certain weekend.

Really the two families should divide the weeks early in the year and stick to that plan. But it doesn’t seem the mother in law wants to do that so there’s nothing you can do. Come up with a different plan for your kids birthday that doesn’t involve using a house for free that someone else owns and you don’t have control of.

Well, to be fair, we're not "using a house for free." We're going to the house DH has gone to every summer of his life for 50 years and helps to maintain. We're not mooching

Oh? How much money each year do you pay to maintain it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not wealthy. I purchased my own small place at the beach so I don't have to deal with these kinds of scenarios anymore. Honestly I think you should rent your own place.

Wow, lucky you. That is my dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to nail down the plan, then you need to rent a place on your own. This is not your house. It is mother in laws. She doesn’t want to create tension with the new phew by demanding a certain weekend.

Really the two families should divide the weeks early in the year and stick to that plan. But it doesn’t seem the mother in law wants to do that so there’s nothing you can do. Come up with a different plan for your kids birthday that doesn’t involve using a house for free that someone else owns and you don’t have control of.

Well, to be fair, we're not "using a house for free." We're going to the house DH has gone to every summer of his life for 50 years and helps to maintain. We're not mooching

Oh? How much money each year do you pay to maintain it?

Do you want itemized receipts? The whole family contributes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to nail down the plan, then you need to rent a place on your own. This is not your house. It is mother in laws. She doesn’t want to create tension with the new phew by demanding a certain weekend.

Really the two families should divide the weeks early in the year and stick to that plan. But it doesn’t seem the mother in law wants to do that so there’s nothing you can do. Come up with a different plan for your kids birthday that doesn’t involve using a house for free that someone else owns and you don’t have control of.

Well, to be fair, we're not "using a house for free." We're going to the house DH has gone to every summer of his life for 50 years and helps to maintain. We're not mooching

While it's great your husband helps out, it's still not his house. It's his Mom's house and she doesn't feel like making this birthday thing happen for your daughter. It's not cool, but that's where she's at with it. If you want to do anything about it, ask you're DH to ask his cousin or bring up the importance of needing to nail down a date with your MIL.

This really isn't your place "to handle". If the IL's aren't cooperating and you really want to do a beach thing, then rent a house. You can't forcibly 'handle' the use of another person's property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to nail down the plan, then you need to rent a place on your own. This is not your house. It is mother in laws. She doesn’t want to create tension with the new phew by demanding a certain weekend.

Really the two families should divide the weeks early in the year and stick to that plan. But it doesn’t seem the mother in law wants to do that so there’s nothing you can do. Come up with a different plan for your kids birthday that doesn’t involve using a house for free that someone else owns and you don’t have control of.

Well, to be fair, we're not "using a house for free." We're going to the house DH has gone to every summer of his life for 50 years and helps to maintain. We're not mooching

While it's great your husband helps out, it's still not his house. It's his Mom's house and she doesn't feel like making this birthday thing happen for your daughter. It's not cool, but that's where she's at with it. If you want to do anything about it, ask you're DH to ask his cousin or bring up the importance of needing to nail down a date with your MIL.

This really isn't your place "to handle". If the IL's aren't cooperating and you really want to do a beach thing, then rent a house. You can't forcibly 'handle' the use of another person's property.

I know. It's not so much the beach location; it's the sentimental value for DD. We wouldn't just rent any house. This one is special for her. We just need to know his dates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to nail down the plan, then you need to rent a place on your own. This is not your house. It is mother in laws. She doesn’t want to create tension with the new phew by demanding a certain weekend.

Really the two families should divide the weeks early in the year and stick to that plan. But it doesn’t seem the mother in law wants to do that so there’s nothing you can do. Come up with a different plan for your kids birthday that doesn’t involve using a house for free that someone else owns and you don’t have control of.

Well, to be fair, we're not "using a house for free." We're going to the house DH has gone to every summer of his life for 50 years and helps to maintain. We're not mooching

While it's great your husband helps out, it's still not his house. It's his Mom's house and she doesn't feel like making this birthday thing happen for your daughter. It's not cool, but that's where she's at with it. If you want to do anything about it, ask you're DH to ask his cousin or bring up the importance of needing to nail down a date with your MIL.

This really isn't your place "to handle". If the IL's aren't cooperating and you really want to do a beach thing, then rent a house. You can't forcibly 'handle' the use of another person's property.

I know. It's not so much the beach location; it's the sentimental value for DD. We wouldn't just rent any house. This one is special for her. We just need to know his dates

and apparently you don't want to listen to anyone here. It's not your house! And MIL doesn't want to bother nephew because he's busy.. Drop it and rent another house. Or have your HUSBAND pick two dates and call his mother and say "we would like to use on these dates for DD's birthday". and see what she says.

Meanwhile stop the snark. You asked a question. You've gotten answers that you don't like. Don't snark back "Do you want itemized receipts" to the question as to how much you contribute financially to this house. It was a fair question. It's obviously not much because you didn't respond properly. Of course that PP doesn't want to see receipts.

[Anonymous]

Then since you all have been splitting up summers for nearly 20 years, this summer doesn’t need to be any different.

Get on a group Zoom and get out the big calendar and start filling in dates.