Shared family beach house - how to handle politely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a beach house for certain dates? Go rent one. Like a grown-up. Be grateful that MIL and DH's cousin have given you free rides this long. You entitled brat.

With respect, you sound pointlessly aggressive and like someone who just doesn’t get the common dynamic of a large family sharing a summer house. Usually two elders or whatever “own” it, but everyone splits dates. This sounds typical to me, not like mooching. This board loves to hunt for ulterior motives. You need to take a step back.

Nope, sorry! My mom and her siblings jointly own a lake cottage. Does it usually work out that my family goes there for a week every August? Yes. But if my mom wasn't ready to confirm dates, I would to bound her and act like an entitles, spoiled brat. If I "needed" to confirm now because of camp schedules, etc., I'd book one of the other houses on the lake that are Run as Air BnBs...or I'd take a year off from the lake and book something new and different. Because my husband and I are adults, we know that we are in charge of our vacation planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your mil that you understand and that you will have your DH call his uncle/ nephew so she is not uncomfortable.

Your dh calls and says “ hi bill, can’t believe summer is almost here so thinking of our plans. We’d love to surprise Layla for her 16 th on July 10th. Does that work for you if we have that weekend? If not, no worries. We just need to lock in that date with you or rent something in Maine/wherever as everything is getting booked. ....How are you! A normal conversation.

But MIL, co-owner of the house, asked that they not do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your mil that you understand and that you will have your DH call his uncle/ nephew so she is not uncomfortable.

Your dh calls and says “ hi bill, can’t believe summer is almost here so thinking of our plans. We’d love to surprise Layla for her 16 th on July 10th. Does that work for you if we have that weekend? If not, no worries. We just need to lock in that date with you or rent something in Maine/wherever as everything is getting booked. ....How are you! A normal conversation.

But MIL, co-owner of the house, asked that they not do that.

Exactly. OP is trying to "politely" over-ride the express and direct wishes of one of the owners of the property. Tut-tut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a beach house for certain dates? Go rent one. Like a grown-up. Be grateful that MIL and DH's cousin have given you free rides this long. You entitled brat.

Wow. Struck a nerve?

Why, are you an entitled brat? Why so defensive?

There is no way to "politely" not accept MIlL's decision not to push her nephew on this, when this property is owned by MIL/nephew. Literally none of OP's business.

You want to lock down your vacation? Get out your credit card and book one.

Would you ask a grown child to pay rent on his childhood bedroom if he visited from college for a week off? Or would you tell him
to whip out his credit card? Good grief

Well grandma keeps putting you off, so she’s “politely” telling you to go rent a beach house if you want a special birthday for your daughter. My goodness you are probably 50 years old. Do you always freeload vacations? I’m betting your 16 year old daughter would rather have a nice hotel instead of a dumpy run down beach house anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL co-owns a beach-house w/ her nephew (her brother died, and he was original owner with MIL, and it went to nephew/DH's cousin).

For about 20 years we have split up weeks during the summer between DH, DH's twin brother, nephew and nephew's family. MIL is typically the liaison coordinating the summer schedule. We've split up weekends all summer for years. As more people have gotten involved and kids have gotten older, it's become tougher. We rarely go and didn't at all last summer during the pandemic. Others go a lot more.

MY DD's 16th birthday is in July. Two of her camp friends are considering traveling a distance to surprise her at the beach house, which requires some coordination. We're trying to nail down summer dates and offered two possible weekends before/after her birthday. I'm trying to coordinate it with the camp friends' parents and keeping it a secret from DD.

MIL says she'd coordinate timing with nephew but we did not hear back. This was maybe three weeks ago. Yesterday we gently brought it up again and she said she doesn't want to press her nephew because he's really busy and doesn't want to make him feel like he has to arrange his vacation or change it based on anyone else. He lives 20 minutes away from the house and goes a lot, so it doesn't require as much coordination for him to plan. Meanwhile, our kids have camp, summer job, etc., and we do need to plan our travel soon, to say nothing of trying to coordinate with these other friends of DD and their families. And it means a lot to us to give my DD a nice birthday of course.

DH and I don't want to rock the boat at all, but we also just need to nail down our plans. I don't think nephew, who is 74 (he's MIL's age but is her nephew due to huge sibling age gap), remembers what it's like trying to organize kid schedules and stuff. And I get that he needs a vacation and is the rightful co-owner...we just need to plan around it accordingly. Everyone else is on board with our proposed dates. WWYD? MIL has asked us not to ask nephew directly, so we won't. Thanks.

Sorry OP, it sounds like your MIL has clearly told you that she is not willing to ask the co-owner again about the dates you want. You have agreed not to contact him. So your choices are to move forward and come up with a contingency plan in case you never hear back from him (or get a no), or rent somewhere else. It sounds like you know this from your post so maybe you weren't looking for advice, just sympathy that your plans for your daughter's birthday are not working out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a beach house for certain dates? Go rent one. Like a grown-up. Be grateful that MIL and DH's cousin have given you free rides this long. You entitled brat.

Wow. Struck a nerve?

Why, are you an entitled brat? Why so defensive?

There is no way to "politely" not accept MIlL's decision not to push her nephew on this, when this property is owned by MIL/nephew. Literally none of OP's business.

You want to lock down your vacation? Get out your credit card and book one.

Would you ask a grown child to pay rent on his childhood bedroom if he visited from college for a week off? Or would you tell him
to whip out his credit card? Good grief

If he was hounding me to set dates and make plans to use my property, when I already told him I wasn't ready to confirm? I'd certainly tell him to buzz off. If you "need to know now," get out your credit card and go book with a beach rental agent. You'll be confirmed and all set. Girl, bye.

Oh my.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with the daughter...parents are too cheap to book somewhere nice and new for once, even after all these years of freeloading vacay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to nail down the plan, then you need to rent a place on your own. This is not your house. It is mother in laws. She doesn’t want to create tension with the new phew by demanding a certain weekend.

Really the two families should divide the weeks early in the year and stick to that plan. But it doesn’t seem the mother in law wants to do that so there’s nothing you can do. Come up with a different plan for your kids birthday that doesn’t involve using a house for free that someone else owns and you don’t have control of.

Well, to be fair, we're not "using a house for free." We're going to the house DH has gone to every summer of his life for 50 years and helps to maintain. We're not mooching

While it's great your husband helps out, it's still not his house. It's his Mom's house and she doesn't feel like making this birthday thing happen for your daughter. It's not cool, but that's where she's at with it. If you want to do anything about it, ask you're DH to ask his cousin or bring up the importance of needing to nail down a date with your MIL.

This really isn't your place "to handle". If the IL's aren't cooperating and you really want to do a beach thing, then rent a house. You can't forcibly 'handle' the use of another person's property.

I know. It's not so much the beach location; it's the sentimental value for DD. We wouldn't just rent any house. This one is special for her. We just need to know his dates

Sorry, I find it hard to believe that a 16 is so invested in the sentimentality of her grandmother’s shared beach house that she is not interested in an alternate vacation option with her friends. Unfortunately the fact that your husband vacationed there as a child and has helped out with maintenance gives you 0 entitlement to the place.

[Anonymous]

Just because your husband has gotten to go there and take his family there each year for 20 years doesn't make the house his. Whose name is on the deed? That is who owns it, regardless of whether your husband bought a new door one year, or contributed with six other families to fixing the roof or whatever.

Right now, I do not talk at all to my friends who are CPAs - it's their busy season. Maybe the nephew is in some sort of similar busy season - maybe he's directing a play or something. Who knows? But you want to do this politely, so the polite thing to do is to say "Don't worry about it - we'll rent a different house."

It sounds like you want to know how to actually be pushy though, while APPEARING polite, and you can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because your husband has gotten to go there and take his family there each year for 20 years doesn't make the house his. Whose name is on the deed? That is who owns it, regardless of whether your husband bought a new door one year, or contributed with six other families to fixing the roof or whatever.

Right now, I do not talk at all to my friends who are CPAs - it's their busy season. Maybe the nephew is in some sort of similar busy season - maybe he's directing a play or something. Who knows? But you want to do this politely, so the polite thing to do is to say "Don't worry about it - we'll rent a different house."

It sounds like you want to know how to actually be pushy though, while APPEARING polite, and you can't.

This is exactly what she wants. How do I get what I want when the other people who actually own the house OP wants for free during prime season have told me exactly how they want to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I wouldn’t want you to go either. Spoiled, entitled, ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because your husband has gotten to go there and take his family there each year for 20 years doesn't make the house his. Whose name is on the deed? That is who owns it, regardless of whether your husband bought a new door one year, or contributed with six other families to fixing the roof or whatever.

Right now, I do not talk at all to my friends who are CPAs - it's their busy season. Maybe the nephew is in some sort of similar busy season - maybe he's directing a play or something. Who knows? But you want to do this politely, so the polite thing to do is to say "Don't worry about it - we'll rent a different house."

It sounds like you want to know how to actually be pushy though, while APPEARING polite, and you can't.

This is exactly what she wants. How do I get what I want when the other people who actually own the house OP wants for free during prime season have told me exactly how they want to deal with it.

"How do I POLITELY steamroll over the already-given direct and clear wishes of my MIL, the actual co-owner?"

Hahahaha, oh the entitlement. I'm so embarrassed for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

The DCUM bullies are all here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The DCUM bullies are all here!

The ones who don't listen to the express wishes of property owners?

[Anonymous]

MIL is half owner- why can't she just talk to him and work it out. OP I would just politely let her know you'll book somewhere else if he can't decide.

Annoying, but it is what it is.

I don't understand why you are being called a free loader and greedy. That's unnecessary