Husband making comments about my dad's will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many greedy and entitled children here.

Meh. Throughout human history, across substantially all cultures (and in to the present for many of us), the concept of inheritance/generational wealth transfer has been a fundamental part of family, society and economy. It’s not a small thing. It is a bedrock aspect of organized society.

I know we all wish life were a whimsical rom-com now, but that ain’t reality. A 70 year old widower shouldn’t be rushing into marriage with a substantially younger woman and robbing from his line in order to fund her and her kids. They can be together, he can splurge on their life together, etc., but if he actually amends his will at the expense of his family he’s an ass and someone should tell him that. Often it’s going to be someone like a son in law who has the requisite distance to do so. (OP already said she’d be uncomfortable with that conversation.)

LOL. Said like a rich white person who feels entitled to money from their parents and grandparents.

*throughout human history* generational wealth transfer is extraordinarily rare and has only happened in the rarest of circumstances. Even now, it’s is extraordinarily rare in the United States. Most Americans do not die with an estate of any substance.

“The line” is not entitled to anyone’s wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This dad is putting his sexual needs ahead if his children. I just cannot.

The "needs" of his kids? They are probably in their 40s. They have wants, but no needs.

And the desire for companionship is one of our most innate needs, it is what makes us human. He has every right to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my mother last year after she battled cancer for several years, and this year my father decided to remarry. We are all happy for him. My mother's family has also given their blessings. My husband made a comment initially about "rebound" and told me to tell my dad to take it slow. I took his concerns seriously and talked to my dad. My dad felt that he had made a well thought out decision in the right frame of mind and felt good about moving forward. I told him I supported him.

When I mentioned this conversation with my husband, to my surprise, he didn't seem to agree with me. He said, parents are like kids sometimes, you just have to tell them what to do. This is not the relationship I have with my father.

A few days ago I told my husband the date for the wedding (we will watch on zoom). He asked me if I had talked to my father about his will. Would his new wife be the beneficiary? What about her kids from a previous marriage? My response to my husband was that if there is a change to my dad's will he would let me know but I am not going to ask.

Now I feel my husband has been playing a game all along. This is very hurtful and petty. To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."

My father spent years caring for my ailing mother. Waking up nights with her, taking her to the hospital for her treatments. He deserves this and so much more. It is shocking to see my husband behave like this.

Are people reading the entire post??? Your mom died just last year and he's already getting married?! Yes this is a bad warning sign, and your husband seems to be the only one to understand what it all entails. Honestly he should have waited a year to start dating, something isn't adding up here OP.
Has anyone checked out this woman's background? I'm sure she's fine, but there's a lot of elder abuse with older men that rush into marriages with younger woman. Whose idea was it to get married this fast?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 68, he should calm his hormones. He doesn't need a wife. He is just horny. It is disgraceful to your mom's memory. He had his love. Now he should focus on being a grandpa.

Everything your mom worked for will go to this new wife and HER kids.

OP needs to smarten up a little about finances, she doesn't know this women or if this is really love on her end.

What about all the assets her dad earned before, like a life time pension. Yes all this needs to be discussed, and that's something that should go to his kids if he dies. He will need to have her sign off, and perhaps other assets he earned before her.

If he's intent on getting married fine, but they can earn things during the course of their marriage while still protecting his pre-assets. What about her "assets" OP??? Are they similar to your dads, or is there a big inequity difference??

Both can agree to keep those separate. Why wouldn't you have that talk OP, those are responsible valid issues that involve all of you. You also need to find out who will be POA if he gets sick, or say they both get in a car accident. Will it be you, your sibling....
Yes you need to bring all this up with your dad along with the rest of your siblings. Right now my step mother is the only one alive, she never had kids so me and my siblings will be in charge. OP odd that you are criticizing your DH, he's merely being realistic.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have children? Do you think your husband was hoping your father would be the college fund? I think you need to directly ask you husband what concerns him so. Maybe he was counting on your father's inheritance to help fund your retirement together. So that's one issue you need to sort out and call out directly. If he thought your dad was a plan for the future, that's pretty crappy.

Then, you need to ask yourself what your reaction/feelings would be if you father dies and his entire estate passes to his second wife and her children. Because that is what will happen unless his will stipulated otherwise. If you're fine with her getting his house, pension/retirement, material goods and investments, then ok. If it doesn't trouble you to think that grown step children will receive these things and your children receive nothing, then there is no need to bring it up.

If it does bother you this is something you could say to your father. Dad, I'm so thrilled that you have found happiness and companionship with Betty after being such an amazing caregiver to mom for so long. You deserve it.

As I'm sure you're thought of already, when Betty becomes your new wife she will have a lot of authority over things relating to you by law. If you want me to have a say in things like your funeral planning, what happens to you and Mom's house, and general estate planning, I'd encourage you to meet with your lawyer to specify whatever it is you want. I'm guessing Betty has also done this in light of the passing of her first husband.

[Anonymous]

Please remember that it is very likely that your soon-to-be step-mother will outlive your father, given their age difference. I think you should run a credit report on her just to make sure she's not coming to the marriage with a ton of debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's being insensitive, but he's right about the will. Unless she's signed a prenup, she'll likely be entitled to at least 50% of his assets, as well as all of his retirement accounts. So if you were counting on that, forget about it.

how though? If he's 68, presumably his assets are already in place. She'd have a claim to 50% of what was made during marriage, but not before marriage. Retirement accounts too - assume he built them up before the wedding?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your heart is in the right place. I truly do. And I also suspect that because this woman is a longtime family friend you want to bend over backwards to signal to your father that you approve, because there could certainly be some "talk around town" about how quickly he moved on. So, I get it, you want him to feel ok about it. You witnessed what he had to go through in dealing with your mom's cancer...and maybe you even feel a little guilty because you feel you should have taken on more of the load? I don't know. Just guessing. So now you are ecstatic that he has found love again. And genuinely so. But the money stuff is real. And if you genuinely don't care about what happens to his estate, ok. But this is a speak now or forever hold your peace, moment.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced and my dad remarried. My mom pressed me for years to talk to my dad about his will. I figured my dad knew like I did that he had two children and if he decided not to include us in a will that was his right and his business. I am not owed money from him just because we share DNA. Last year he and my stepmom called me (they have been married for 30 years now) because they were getting their affairs in order and they wanted to make me a beneficiary of a life insurance policy. I was not expecting it but appreciate that they thought of me in their estate planning. The way people here are so grabby about their parents money is disgusting to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced and my dad remarried. My mom pressed me for years to talk to my dad about his will. I figured my dad knew like I did that he had two children and if he decided not to include us in a will that was his right and his business. I am not owed money from him just because we share DNA. Last year he and my stepmom called me (they have been married for 30 years now) because they were getting their affairs in order and they wanted to make me a beneficiary of a life insurance policy. I was not expecting it but appreciate that they thought of me in their estate planning. The way people here are so grabby about their parents money is disgusting to me.

You deserve a medal. No, two.

One for not letting your overzealous mother push you to interfere in your father and his wife's estate planning business, especially since they've been married a long time.

Second one for being secure and mature enough to realize that as an adult, anything you are eventually gifted from a parent is... a gift, not entitlement!

I wish we could clone stepkids like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lost my mother last year after she battled cancer for several years, and this year my father decided to remarry. We are all happy for him. My mother's family has also given their blessings. My husband made a comment initially about "rebound" and told me to tell my dad to take it slow. I took his concerns seriously and talked to my dad. My dad felt that he had made a well thought out decision in the right frame of mind and felt good about moving forward. I told him I supported him.

When I mentioned this conversation with my husband, to my surprise, he didn't seem to agree with me. He said, parents are like kids sometimes, you just have to tell them what to do. This is not the relationship I have with my father.

A few days ago I told my husband the date for the wedding (we will watch on zoom). He asked me if I had talked to my father about his will. Would his new wife be the beneficiary? What about her kids from a previous marriage? My response to my husband was that if there is a change to my dad's will he would let me know but I am not going to ask.

Now I feel my husband has been playing a game all along. This is very hurtful and petty. To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."

My father spent years caring for my ailing mother. Waking up nights with her, taking her to the hospital for her treatments. He deserves this and so much more. It is shocking to see my husband behave like this.

Are people reading the entire post??? Your mom died just last year and he's already getting married?! Yes this is a bad warning sign, and your husband seems to be the only one to understand what it all entails. Honestly he should have waited a year to start dating, something isn't adding up here OP.
Has anyone checked out this woman's background? I'm sure she's fine, but there's a lot of elder abuse with older men that rush into marriages with younger woman. Whose idea was it to get married this fast?

I'm a pp in this thread whose FIL also remarried very quickly after MIL died (diagnosed with cancer in January, died in April, FIL engaged that fall.) In FIL's case--he had actually gone to college with the new wife's first husband. It was a very small school with an extremely tight alumni group. New wife's first husband had already passed at least 20 years before MIL, but she stayed in touch with the alumni group.
So she and FIL were about the same age...and now they've been married almost 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not wrong tho....to ask about the will.

Of course he is. It's not his money.

NP here, no he is not. I've seen this happen way too many times.

DH should be OP's best friend. Would you think it was weird for OP's best friend to make this statement? Or to ask questions? With the best of intentions for OP. I don't think DH is waiting for his FIL to die in hopes he gets money from his FIL's will, but I think he is being protective of his wife. Why shouldn't he be? Why is there an automatic suspicion that the DH is being a jerk? I don't see if that way at all. I see OP's partner in life sharing with her concerns about a potential problem, which I hope they share about all sorts of things.

Trust me, don't assume anything. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the rush to marry? Wait for vaccine and celebrate with people in six months.

Your husband could have been kinder, but a newly widowed person getting married within a year during a pandemic sets off red flags.

If she was well known to family, makes sense. Is she a new person in his life?

Yes, this would conern me too. Moving so quickly at a time when delaying just 6 months could mean a family celebration. That's pretty weird.

That said, is he rich? It sounds like your husband married you for you dad's money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband lives in the real world and seems to be the only one making sense.

What is the rush for someone approaching 70 to re-marry??

Because he's a man. 99.9% of the time someone who recently lost a spouse gets married within a year it's a man. Always.

[Anonymous]

Isn't there another thread on this family relationship forum about a poster whose father died and the stepmother will not allow the poster to get photos and a book? that OP doesn't want money, just a few sentimental things that wouldn't have meaning to the stepmother.

And then people on this thread feel like the DH of OP is being ridiculous? Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm