When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s mean to not include this other mom in the other group social events. Frankly it’s weird that this woman wants to shoehorn her way into a group. I don’t think they’re trying to exclude her but they don’t see her as a friend just an acquaintance. op does invite her to events she hosts putting the burden on her to keep her apprised of all of the events is unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, would it kill you, people to invite them to drive by? Someone organised the drive by, right?

But no, you have to act like you’re in middle school. Without excluding someone you just wouldn’t feel special.

It wasn’t OP’s party, she didn’t organize it, and it is rude to invite other people if you are not the host.

Not OP’s problem.

If it is a neighborhood gathering, it is perfectly acceptable to say “hey, mind if I extend the invite to Sarah?” Especially a drive by party. I mean it is literally one more car driving by.

If it is a friend gathering, sure, you say nothing.

[Anonymous]

There is a difference between excluding and overlooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perpetually left out mom here. I’m an introvert, my kid is an introvert. People seem to like us and enjoy is when we’re around but we’re easily forgotten. Teachers tell us my son gets along with everyone and is well liked, but he’s no one’s best friend. We moved in to a neighborhood with a toddler where a bunch of other families moved in 2-3 years earlier and moms bonded over maternity leave.

Let me tell you how it feels. It feels shitty. Like I’m always one step behind. Like I’m late to the dance and everyone has paired off. Kids that young form friendships based on proximity and repeated exposure. Of course my son is not close to yours, they are never together because no one ever thinks to invite us. Of course you don’t know me, you never invite me to book club or girls night.

Your “friend” is out of line. I don’t expect you to invite me to outings hosted by other people, just to invite me to your outings and maybe throw me a bone and tell the other hostesses to consider adding me and leave it up to them. If you get to know me, you might like me. In the mean time, I’ll keep inviting you to all of my events, walking your kids home from school with mine, making you cookies, loaning your husband our power washer, etc. because I am a good neighbor and a really helpful person if you just give me a chance.

Seriously? You sound reasonable, except for you expect people to suggest other people invite you places? I am grown up. If people I like invite me, I go. If they don't it's no big deal. I certainly don't expect anyone to try to convince people to put me on their list. Also, do you make cookies for people who actually want cookies? I hate when people give us cookies. We have nut allergies in the family and one child with Celiac. My husband and I both avoid sugar. Save your cookies. I don't need unsolicited gifts to be your friend. I am nice to all my neighbors and if you want to borrow something we aren't using NBD. I am happy to invite people over I gel with, but I am not telling other people what to do because it is not my place. I would be mortified if someone advocated for an invite to give to me. I am perfectly capapble of making friends without anyone guilt-tripping their friends into including me. I also work and volunteer so I don't have time to obsess over who has me on an invite list.

[Anonymous]

It is rude to invite yourself to anyone's gathering and it's also rude to put them on the spot for not including you or your child. You are not owed invitations. If you want to expand your social circle, begin with inviting people yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, your neighbor is already an outcast and isn't ever going to be in the clique. You are probably a fringe member of this crowd already.

Think of this as MS and HS: there are still Popular People to include parents. The Popular Parents are playing the Long Game and it's all just beginning.

The Popular Parents will, if not already, assume key volunteer positions in school, youth sports and even church. So look for them to be PTA and HOA board members, then they'll be your kid's soccer coach. They all have Happy Hours and often vacation together and then their children all magically in the same ES classes, play travel sports together, then become mini versions of their parents by late ES. Their kids learn early how to social engineer and climb and by this point, will have no other friends outside their parents' circle. The parents will begin to accept by MS that their kids are outgoing and love to party, so will just buy the keg for all the friends. It's safer this way and they can be the ultimate cool parents.

Step away now, OP and forge your own path...from the whole mess.

[Anonymous]

I have a ton of mom friends and get invites to things everyday. I also have dealt with this mean girl sh*t too from a friend and it sucks. It’s usually one insecure mom excited she has a group of people she feels like she runs who the other moms are a little scared of because she has a mean side and you don’t want to be on the other side of that.

I would be careful personally. Groups ebb and flow through the elementary years and you’re personally better off being a little kinder and a little more inclusive if have the opportunity to do so. And in a genuine way, not in a roll your eyes way. Trust me, it’s not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh OP ugh. This is dripping with mean girl passive aggressive. So there are a dozen moms in the neighborhood with same aged kids and they all hang out, with the exception of the one mom who is only sometimes/rarely invited, and there is bragging on social media, and the odd mom out is asking about it, and you feel sorry for YOURSELF because she is reaching out to you. Get over yourself sheesh. What a bratty group of neighbors. PS i guarantee this group will blow up in your face.

++100

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you all are excluding her, and while you may not have control over some things, you are complicit. An invitation to a drive by bd party? Come on. And you say yhere are informal organic events. Yeah, you didn't help there, either.

This family is being ousted from the neighborhood. This is the saddest thing I've read all day. What's the real problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sticky friend situation. (We need a friendship board here.)

I live in a kid-friendly neighborhood; many of us have kids the same age (grade 2 and under), and there is a group of a dozen or so of us who hang out fairly regularly. Within that group, certain folks see one another more often due to proximity, kids gender, sports, what have you.

There's a mom outside this group with whom I'm friendly. Her son simply isn't as close with the kids of these parents. It's nothing personal at all; organically, get-togethers just don't involve her as much.

Before COVID, the "left out" mom (for lack of a better term) asked me to keep her informed next time this group hung out. It was a bit awkward, simply because I wasn't always the host -- for instance, if someone had a barbecue, was I supposed to ask her? If it was an outing like a bar, I would tell her. Often she would decline anyway.

Well, there was a drive-by "parade" for one of the kids in the group's birthdays. The mom posted it on social media, with photos of people driving by and waving, a singalong etc. My "left out" friend sent me a text asking why I didn't tell her about the birthday party, saying she's really hurt, I'd told her I'd keep her in the loop about future events. I told her I was sorry, but it was not even my child's birthday, it was someone else's party. She is now upset with me and I really don't know what to say. Nobody was trying to exclude her; her son simply isn't friends with this girl and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to invite this kid!!?

What do I say??

You need to invite the kid next time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hate this kind of situation. I think you know you’re not being a great person but you’re just so relieved or flattered to be included you aren’t willing to do better.

We have a similar group in my neighborhood. I have a connector personality type and introduced many of the women. I am also president of the PTA, so by most accounts looking in, I don’t “need” new friends. You better believe I do everything I can to include a friend who comes to me and says she wants to get to know more people. Or introduce a new person who loves in to friends.

I am inclusive by default both with my female friends and my kids friends and I have most certainly been burned myself by queen bee wannabes who take advantage of this or start playing these weird social engineering games in situations that don’t call for me. I could play those mean mom games too just because I am close w a wide network of parents but I would be so embarrassed with myself. I have watched a good friend do that over the years and she has a bad reputation as a mean mom and she doesn’t have many friends. Maybe I don’t have a personality people fear or stay up at home wondering if they are going to get an invite from me, but I have so many close friends and great relationships and I focus on that. I would personally stop trying to fit in and be popular and just treat others how you would want to be treated. Your kids watch your behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sticky friend situation. (We need a friendship board here.)

I live in a kid-friendly neighborhood; many of us have kids the same age (grade 2 and under), and there is a group of a dozen or so of us who hang out fairly regularly. Within that group, certain folks see one another more often due to proximity, kids gender, sports, what have you.

There's a mom outside this group with whom I'm friendly. Her son simply isn't as close with the kids of these parents. It's nothing personal at all; organically, get-togethers just don't involve her as much.

Before COVID, the "left out" mom (for lack of a better term) asked me to keep her informed next time this group hung out. It was a bit awkward, simply because I wasn't always the host -- for instance, if someone had a barbecue, was I supposed to ask her? If it was an outing like a bar, I would tell her. Often she would decline anyway.

Well, there was a drive-by "parade" for one of the kids in the group's birthdays. The mom posted it on social media, with photos of people driving by and waving, a singalong etc. My "left out" friend sent me a text asking why I didn't tell her about the birthday party, saying she's really hurt, I'd told her I'd keep her in the loop about future events. I told her I was sorry, but it was not even my child's birthday, it was someone else's party. She is now upset with me and I really don't know what to say. Nobody was trying to exclude her; her son simply isn't friends with this girl and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to invite this kid!!?

What do I say??

You need to invite the kid next time.

No, it's not OP's place to invite a child to another child's drive by party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alright. OP here. I just sent that exact text and she replied, "Do you think they dislike me or B [her son]?"

I'm trying to work. I wrote of course not, just an oversight, and she replied with a huge text message to the group asking to please invite her and her son next time...Oh god.

Well, what else is she supposed to do? She and her kid sounded innocuous and she was chronically excluded. I feel really sorry for her.

She should host her own event.

[Anonymous]

It’s just that OP comes off eager that she’s included and people are reading through this that there is some mean girl behavior going on, which is embarrassing for an adult women especially when it leaves young kids out. It sounds like she’s on the fringes so she doesn’t feel confident inviting someone in.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP who is PT president and has a friend like this, who I was close with. She talks sooooooooo much shit about everyone and the most about her best friends and their marriages and kids. If you know someone who acts like this you have to know they probably are doing the same thing to you and many times playing the same games at your expense. I realized this quickly and distanced myself. There is obviously someone in the group she’s scared of or she would just invite the lady along to things, especially since as she said it’s organic and mixes regularly.