DH just asked for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Most kids aren't in travel sports and that is a luxury. $500 with 50/50 is far more than enough as each parent provides for the needs in their home.

My daughter does travel volleyball. That figure is about right and doesn’t include travel cost for us, only tournament fees. And, a lot of kids, especially during teenage years, do travel sports. If OP is in an affluent household then private school costs would be a factor.

I don’t know any kids that don’t do travel sports. We are in a wealthy neighborhood, but my siblings and cousins who are not all ha e kids in travel sports. It’s very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What state are you in? He can't negotiate child support, that is dictated by state law. He can negotiate alimony, but custody is usually 50/50 so that's not really a leverage point. Plus alimony only exists if you are a SAHM and until you get a job, so very short term.

Honestly your family situation doesn't sound great and it sounds like you didn't care how he felt about it, so it sounds like divorce is for the best.

This.

Chances are that he’ll marry a lovely woman within three years of the divorce. Someone who is into the lifestyle he wants and shares his values. Surely you will also be happier since you can see your family every day if you wish.

Ha! Maybe OP can even move in with mom and dad! It sounds like that’s where she’s happiest. I agree with PP, you guys need to separate and go live your best lives.

[Anonymous]

I have a very close knit family of origin and am married to an introvert. Im aldo an inteovert but can be around my family all the time. My husbands family is dysfunctional and unloving. I never make him go to my family functions but take the kids along. If he wanted to takenthe kids to see his family i would have no problem although i may not go. Were you pressuring your husband to attend these weekly events?

If you weren't pressuring him and he wants a divorce because of you socializing with your family of origin i say good riddance. Sounds abusive to isolate a person from their family. The kid will spend even more time listening to your family's views now that your are divorcing. I think kids spending time with people whobhave views thst differ from their parents is abgood thing regardless of the views. If someone says something in front of my kids thst i fisagree with i tell my kid why i disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Most kids aren't in travel sports and that is a luxury. $500 with 50/50 is far more than enough as each parent provides for the needs in their home.

My daughter does travel volleyball. That figure is about right and doesn’t include travel cost for us, only tournament fees. And, a lot of kids, especially during teenage years, do travel sports. If OP is in an affluent household then private school costs would be a factor.

Not necessarily. Some of us don’t believe in private school, or travel sports Don’t make assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team husband. He’s right, you just never heard him.

I kind of agree with this. Sorry, OP.

Agreed. I don’t know how you’re blindsided by this. Your husband was communicating with you, but you didn’t pay attention. Once you got married you should have prioritized your relationship with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him file. Then fight him tooth and nail for full custody and every penny you can squeeze out of him. Sounds like a loser anyway. You will be fine. Oh, and line up a date as soon as possible and rub his face in it.

This is the worst advice ever. Understand default will be 50-50 split of all assets and custody. He sounds done. Fighting him "toooth and nail" for full custody will be a huge waste of time and money. Move on and try to consider the best interests of your child, which would be 50-50 split custody with his two parents.... NOT spending lots of time with your alcoholic father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Most kids aren't in travel sports and that is a luxury. $500 with 50/50 is far more than enough as each parent provides for the needs in their home.

My daughter does travel volleyball. That figure is about right and doesn’t include travel cost for us, only tournament fees. And, a lot of kids, especially during teenage years, do travel sports. If OP is in an affluent household then private school costs would be a factor.

Thing about divorce is things like travel sports tend to have to fall by the wayside

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him file. Then fight him tooth and nail for full custody and every penny you can squeeze out of him. Sounds like a loser anyway. You will be fine. Oh, and line up a date as soon as possible and rub his face in it.

WTF?

It sounds like the DH is being reasonable. If they have 50/50 custody and similar incomes, OP might not even qualify to receive child support.

If you’re both reasonable, you can probably save a ton on lawyers and just use a mediator. If you push for crazy things like full custody, don’t be surprised if he fights back. The lawyers will be the only ones who win in that situation. I also think it’s interesting that your son chose to stay with his dad instead of joining you on your weekend trip. Could the son be a lot more introverted (like his father) than you’d care to admit? Maybe if 50/50 custody isn’t on the table he would chose to live with his dad instead of OP... Then she’s stuck never seeing her kid and paying child support. Don’t be stupid and don’t try to push your luck.

Op here.

That is what he wants to do, avoid using attorneys to save on legal fees to pay down debt instead.

He has always been reclusive. The more time he spent with my family though, the less he wanted to. He said he feels like there’s no joy in our marriage. It was our sixth wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. He had a big breakfast spread for me and a card with flowers. I didn’t get him anything in return because we said we weren’t doing gifts.

He then was upset today that I am able to plan our my nieces and nephews birthdays but apparently "do nothing" for him. I think he is a borderline narcissist because he sets me up for things like that.

And for the record, his family isn’t perfect and HIS parents are also alcoholics. That’s why he never sees them.

And it sounds like he didn't give you a gift, but he did SOMETHING did you do ANYTHING for the anniversary? You could have written him a letter, there was no need to buy a gift.

And if he is distancing himself from the alcoholics in his own family of origin, why would he want to spend more time with the alcoholics in yours?

Not saying all of this is your fault, it takes two to make a marriage work, but just responding to what you have shared here.

+1. There's a big difference between deciding on no gifts vs just ignoring the occasion.

OP, you could have - should have - done something free or low cost to celebrate your wedding anniversary. Then you turned around and put forth all this effort for your nieces and nephews, when you should have prioritized your husband (who's part of your immediate nuclear family) above them. It sounds like you come from a dysfunctional family and you haven't really broken free from those patterns. I also get a whiff of you and your family of origin having the attitude of prioritizing blood relatives over others. It sounds like your husband has been telling you that he's not comfortable with your family dynamics for a long time, but you haven't listened and you take your FOO's side. Now you're blindsided because you been dismissing what he's been saying.

If you even understand and admit what I'm saying here, then beg your husband to go to counseling and vow to treat him better. If you're adamant that you haven't mistreated him and he's wrong and you're still clinging to the biggest whopper of you were blindsided, then just go ahead and divorce because this can't be fixed. I hope you take this as an opportunity to get counseling to fix your habits that aren't good for you or your son either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you divorce, how will your next relationship work or your next marriage?

I can't imagine a lot of men wanting to sign up for a divorced single mother with 50/50 custody or more who insists that her new husband visits her family once a week. Alcoholic and racist or not. If this is a relationship deal breaker, you would need to let your new man know upfront.

And if that's the visiting schedule, I'd guess that you are in the phone with them all the time, too. Do they come over and visit you regularly, too?

And if your new guy isn't an alcoholic or racist, and is uncomfortable with being around them, how will that work? Will you compromise for the new guy when you wouldn't for your ex?

Seriously, OP, you might be single for a long time.

OP did not state that her family is racist. Alcoholic yes, racist no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I still think he's having an affair.

How would one pull off having an affair these days? At least in my house, we're all stuck at home and together 24/7. Unless one of us gets busy with a dashing paramour in the produce aisle during a run to Whole Foods, it's just not an option logistically.

Online.. when she's in another room, sleeping or it happened before covid.

You havent lived have you? Its great that you underestimate people. My friends husband was meeting his AP when he went to run to the grocery store. He didnt take that long but always had an excuse about long lines etc. No idea how my friend found out.

Op i read some of your responses. It sounds like you may not have been focused on what was happening in your own home. Im the pp who told you to say good riddance. There is a balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you divorce, how will your next relationship work or your next marriage?

I can't imagine a lot of men wanting to sign up for a divorced single mother with 50/50 custody or more who insists that her new husband visits her family once a week. Alcoholic and racist or not. If this is a relationship deal breaker, you would need to let your new man know upfront.

And if that's the visiting schedule, I'd guess that you are in the phone with them all the time, too. Do they come over and visit you regularly, too?

And if your new guy isn't an alcoholic or racist, and is uncomfortable with being around them, how will that work? Will you compromise for the new guy when you wouldn't for your ex?

Seriously, OP, you might be single for a long time.

OP did not state that her family is racist. Alcoholic yes, racist no.

Hard-line right wing is a polite way of saying racist. Especially considering she wants to minimize their problems like the alcoholism and codependence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Most kids aren't in travel sports and that is a luxury. $500 with 50/50 is far more than enough as each parent provides for the needs in their home.

My daughter does travel volleyball. That figure is about right and doesn’t include travel cost for us, only tournament fees. And, a lot of kids, especially during teenage years, do travel sports. If OP is in an affluent household then private school costs would be a factor.

I don’t know any kids that don’t do travel sports. We are in a wealthy neighborhood, but my siblings and cousins who are not all ha e kids in travel sports. It’s very common.

How many months a year do you pay that?

Is it 3 months in the summer? The whole year???

This sounds insane.

[Anonymous]

Normally when people post about their spouses, they manage to make themselves look great and the spouse look terrible.

Congrats OP, this is a first. Even your version of your DH sounds like a man who has patiently tried to make you happy by putting up with your obnoxious alcoholic enmeshed family, and finally reached his breaking point and wants an amicable divorce. Your twisting of the lovely breakfast that he made for you complete with flowers and card, was truly epic. He "set you up". Wow.

You had it, you didn't take his feelings into account, and now you've lost it. Next time try listening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Most kids aren't in travel sports and that is a luxury. $500 with 50/50 is far more than enough as each parent provides for the needs in their home.

My daughter does travel volleyball. That figure is about right and doesn’t include travel cost for us, only tournament fees. And, a lot of kids, especially during teenage years, do travel sports. If OP is in an affluent household then private school costs would be a factor.

I don’t know any kids that don’t do travel sports. We are in a wealthy neighborhood, but my siblings and cousins who are not all ha e kids in travel sports. It’s very common.

How many months a year do you pay that?

Is it 3 months in the summer? The whole year???

This sounds insane.

It's par for the course for travel course and people with wealth. Sports has stopped being about skill and is all about who has the most money to send their kids to endless camps, sadly.

I am a top 1%er and my 13 and 11 YO play rec sports and I don't know anyone that does travel sports. Much less investing in the kind of money that PP mentions.

[Anonymous]

How many months a year do you pay that?

Is it 3 months in the summer? The whole year???

This sounds insane.

I’m pretty sure this is the annual cost, not monthly. It’s not unusual for travel sports - for soccer, the club fee runs about $2500 annually, but travel can add thousands.