DH just asked for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Most kids aren't in travel sports and that is a luxury. $500 with 50/50 is far more than enough as each parent provides for the needs in their home.

[Anonymous]

I only read OP- didn’t read replies- no time.

I will say that my ILs sound much like your family- Republican alcoholics. Also extremely religious (yes really) and racist. They hate me- I am none of those things. I would rather poke my eye out than spend time with them.

We’ve been married 15 years and really the only way it works is: DH can spend as much time with him as he likes. They are his family- makes no difference to me really, and he has a right to do so. For me? I see them at weddings, funerals, maybe Christmas- out of respect for DH. Kids are a sticking point- they see the kids marginally more often than they see me but still not a lot.

If my DH wasn’t ok with this, I’d bail. The idea of seeing them every weekend- total hell. I’d ditch the marriage. Not worth it.

Not sure what else is going on but thought I’d provide an alternate perspective from a spouse’s viewpoint.

You’ll probably have to choose (somewhat) between your family of origin and your DH. Choose wisely, with your kids’ welfare foremost in your mind, is all I will say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking someone to see your family once a week is quite a lot.

I actually like my in-laws and I feel that once a week is way too much!

I can’t imagine how horrible it would be if they were alcoholics and people I wouldn’t want my child around. My sympathies to OP’s husband. He sounds like a saint!

[Anonymous]

I'm divorcing a man who's never done a single sweet thing for me. can I have yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team husband. He’s right, you just never heard him.

+1

You made him visit your family once a week for six years.

It doesn't matter what your family's politics are. You never listened to what your DH wanted. You ignored what he wanted. You never considered his feelings for six years. That would break me, too, and I'm pretty extroverted.

Didn't you ever think to compromise? Say, cut it down weekly just you but to twice a month (still too much) or once a month including him?

When you get married the spouse comes first. That's how my DH treats me in regards to his family and vice versa. We protect each other.

I would get into individual therapy and ask him to join you in marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team husband. He’s right, you just never heard him.

+1

You made him visit your family once a week for six years.

It doesn't matter what your family's politics are. You never listened to what your DH wanted. You ignored what he wanted. You never considered his feelings for six years. That would break me, too, and I'm pretty extroverted.

Didn't you ever think to compromise? Say, cut it down weekly just you but to twice a month (still too much) or once a month including him?

When you get married the spouse comes first. That's how my DH treats me in regards to his family and vice versa. We protect each other.

I would get into individual therapy and ask him to join you in marriage counseling.

Best comment on the thead. Understand in order to save your marriage you need to put your husband and your family unit, husband and child, first.
Individual therapy for you and marriage counseling if he will join you. I'd also recommend Al Anon for you. The politics don't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Most kids aren't in travel sports and that is a luxury. $500 with 50/50 is far more than enough as each parent provides for the needs in their home.

My daughter does travel volleyball. That figure is about right and doesn’t include travel cost for us, only tournament fees. And, a lot of kids, especially during teenage years, do travel sports. If OP is in an affluent household then private school costs would be a factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I disagree with everyone. It may not be too late to save this marriage. Why, if he felt truly estranged from you, would he bother with flowers and a breakfast spread? The opposite of love is not hate, as we all know, but indifference. He sounds anything but indifferent. I feel nearly certain that if you went to him and opened your heart to the possibility of doing your marriage differently he would give you another chance. I believe he still loves you, but is exhausted by your failure to listen. If you want to stay with him you will need to commit to reducing your time with your parents to no more than once monthly. He has tried things your way. Now it is time for you to try things his way. If you give up without making one last effort I believe you will regret it. Try.

I

+1000

Stop being obtuse, OP, and really listen to him. Get into marriage counseling if you care all about saving this marriage. Put your marriage first, stop seeing your alcoholic family on a weekly basis, stop asking him to join you. And look into al anon chapters near you and read some books on being a child of alcoholics. You are so enmeshed in your dysfunctional family that you can't even see what you're doing and have done for six years.

P.S. Your husband sound like a good man.

SIgned,

DW married to a man from an alcoholic family with generations of terrible boundary issues (who went to marriage counseling with me and also individual therapy)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I disagree with everyone. It may not be too late to save this marriage. Why, if he felt truly estranged from you, would he bother with flowers and a breakfast spread? The opposite of love is not hate, as we all know, but indifference. He sounds anything but indifferent. I feel nearly certain that if you went to him and opened your heart to the possibility of doing your marriage differently he would give you another chance. I believe he still loves you, but is exhausted by your failure to listen. If you want to stay with him you will need to commit to reducing your time with your parents to no more than once monthly. He has tried things your way. Now it is time for you to try things his way. If you give up without making one last effort I believe you will regret it. Try.

I agree with this poster. Since your Dad is an alcoholic and his parents are alcoholics have you (not the two of you) checked out Al Anon. It really really helped me as a daughter of an alcoholic and helped me set healthy boundaries
with alcoholic Dad.

If you go to marriage counseling I'd get someone who specializes in alcoholism or drug addiction in families, not a standard marriage counselor.

Is alcohol part of the scene at all of your family (on your side) functions?

Agree with PP, cut your visits back to once a month or once a quarter. Try out 6 Al Anon meetings. If you go to marriage counseling get one who specializes in addictions in families.

Signed, daughter of an alcoholic who crashed to the floor dead drunk at 11:00 am Christmas Day when I had a new boyfriend over to meet the family.

OP, this is the best advice. Even if you can't save your marriage with all of the above steps, please get to Al Anon for yourself and your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asking someone to see your family once a week is quite a lot.

I actually like my in-laws and I feel that once a week is way too much!

I can’t imagine how horrible it would be if they were alcoholics and people I wouldn’t want my child around. My sympathies to OP’s husband. He sounds like a saint!

My kids don’t feel that about their dad who moved out and they now see once a week. Remember his needs aren’t the only needs here there’s children involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you divorce, how will your next relationship work or your next marriage?

I can't imagine a lot of men wanting to sign up for a divorced single mother with 50/50 custody or more who insists that her new husband visits her family once a week. Alcoholic and racist or not. If this is a relationship deal breaker, you would need to let your new man know upfront.

And if that's the visiting schedule, I'd guess that you are in the phone with them all the time, too. Do they come over and visit you regularly, too?

And if your new guy isn't an alcoholic or racist, and is uncomfortable with being around them, how will that work? Will you compromise for the new guy when you wouldn't for your ex?

Seriously, OP, you might be single for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Weekend camping trips, birthday parties and social events every weekend with inlaws? That sounds miserable, most people could not handle that even with non-alcoholic inlaws with similar politics. OP how would you like hanging out with his parents and extended family every weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What state are you in? He can't negotiate child support, that is dictated by state law. He can negotiate alimony, but custody is usually 50/50 so that's not really a leverage point. Plus alimony only exists if you are a SAHM and until you get a job, so very short term.

Honestly your family situation doesn't sound great and it sounds like you didn't care how he felt about it, so it sounds like divorce is for the best.

This.

Chances are that he’ll marry a lovely woman within three years of the divorce. Someone who is into the lifestyle he wants and shares his values. Surely you will also be happier since you can see your family every day if you wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him file. Then fight him tooth and nail for full custody and every penny you can squeeze out of him. Sounds like a loser anyway. You will be fine. Oh, and line up a date as soon as possible and rub his face in it.

Don’t listen to this bitter bit*h. Work towards a common goal - your kid. Sounds like you are married to your family though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tbh you sound like a bit of loser. You don’t seem to be able to form any relationships outside of your family. You can’t have many fiends because you said yourself that most time is spent with your family. And you never stopped, took a step back and considered “ hey,maybe I am too emeshed with my family” You seem pretty lucky to have even found someone to marry you.

This. OP seems to put her family over her DH for years now and he’s been screaming inside bc of it. She never listened and was oblivious to the toll it was taking on him. OP’s DH is probably a poor communicator which compounded the issue.