Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

What is the relationship like between your mom and wife? Is your wife working? You/they/sibling should hire someone. That is not reasonable to ask your wife, who sounds like she is working to do it twice a day. She is right, your sibling got free care and should help out more.

[Anonymous]

OP your plan makes no sense. How are you going to get to your parents by 4, leave by 4:30, and then get home an hour away by 5:30 on the dot? Does traffic not exist where you live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

OP, Mom has late stage alzheimers. We've been at this around 18 years. Two things have helped with the sundowners.

1. Keep all window shades, curtains, drapes open to the max in the house during the day.
2. Magnesium glycinate--this has really helped with the sundowners anxiety. Talk to her doc. We give Mom one 200 mg magnesium glycinate mid afternoon and we give her a second 200 mg around 6:30 pm. It really reduces
the anxiety and also allows her to sleep through the night. The glycinate version won't cause loose stools. I'd talk to Mom's doc about Dad giving her a 200 mg at his 12:00 noon drop in.

I can't tell you how much the magnesium has helped. It is kind a miracle supplement.

Also I'd have her 4:00 pm meal snack/med in prepared and in the same place with a not on it and if she can manage phone call try that for awhile.

[Anonymous]

WTF - For $40/day + gas you were going to spend on a nanny, you could get a home health aide to come for 2 hours. We paid $18/hour here in the DC area for legal, private home health aides. An aide could also help with cooking, cleaning, toileting or other tasks that will make life better for everyone.

Agree with the fact that this is just a bandaid--if mom is already sundowning, she shouldn't be left alone all day, every day. The situation is not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

What is your after school care? A center or a nanny? Have you even explored whether it's possible to add 2 hours a day onto your existing agreement, or are you assuming that will be fine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF - For $40/day + gas you were going to spend on a nanny, you could get a home health aide to come for 2 hours. We paid $18/hour here in the DC area for legal, private home health aides. An aide could also help with cooking, cleaning, toileting or other tasks that will make life better for everyone.

Agree with the fact that this is just a bandaid--if mom is already sundowning, she shouldn't be left alone all day, every day. The situation is not sustainable.

The services have a 4 hour minimum. OP might be able to hire a neighbor to stop by for less time.

[Anonymous]

$40/day in nanny care adds up to well over $10k a year. And given how complex this proposed schedule is, I bet you will end up needing more nanny hours than what you proposed.

Use the $10k to assist your dad in paying for homecare. Less stress for you, better for your mom, your wife is more likely to agree to it. Sister and dad need to make up the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF - For $40/day + gas you were going to spend on a nanny, you could get a home health aide to come for 2 hours. We paid $18/hour here in the DC area for legal, private home health aides. An aide could also help with cooking, cleaning, toileting or other tasks that will make life better for everyone.

Agree with the fact that this is just a bandaid--if mom is already sundowning, she shouldn't be left alone all day, every day. The situation is not sustainable.

The services have a 4 hour minimum. OP might be able to hire a neighbor to stop by for less time.

So don't hire a service! There are plenty of aides who are looking to pick up extra hours doing this kind of work. We hired one who worked at Sibley and he was great.

[Anonymous]

OP, check with your very local house of worship. People are always looking for some extra cash. You might be able to find someone to stop by for two hours at the house.

The agencies in my area require 4 hour minimum.

OP, as a reference, we have also hired direct and pay legal.
I'm on the eastern shore of Maryland. Nursing homes in eastern shore Maryland pay $16-$17 per hour. Nursing homes in Lower Delaware start higher at $18.00 per hour. We always try to be a bit over the nursing home rate.
When we started all of this we started at $18 per hour paying legal (SS, and workers comp, unemployment etc)
we are now at $22 per hour

[Anonymous]

Your wife is entirely in the right. Your sister needs to step up.

Leave wife out of it.

[Anonymous]

You can pay a babysitter to take care of the kids and add 2 Plus hours of commute to your day, or you can pay an aid to stay with your mom for a while. I was a elder companion all through college and many of my clients had dementia. Maybe you can get an older teen. Once your mom has met the aid (maybe have aid come a number of times while your dad is there) she should find the visit enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Op here.

To the above posters suggesting I contribute towards the cost of care - this is where my wife and I are at a complete impasse.

My wife does not feel we should be contributing any money or time to it. My sister (speaks regularly) about their stocks, extra addition to their house, and her salary ... She and my brother in law have been able to put away a good chunk of money for themselves and their children. My sister is not short on money, but she is used to being taken care of and when it comes for the time for her to contribute, she freezes.

My wife does not want to pay extra funds for childcare or care. If I were to take on a financial commitment without her approval, it would not go over well. She is saying this is entirely my sisters responsibility. She is a little bit more sympathetic towards my Dad. But she and I cannot come to an agreement on how much support to provide.

It doesn’t help that she has talked to other family members about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

To the above posters suggesting I contribute towards the cost of care - this is where my wife and I are at a complete impasse.

My wife does not feel we should be contributing any money or time to it. My sister (speaks regularly) about their stocks, extra addition to their house, and her salary ... She and my brother in law have been able to put away a good chunk of money for themselves and their children. My sister is not short on money, but she is used to being taken care of and when it comes for the time for her to contribute, she freezes.

My wife does not want to pay extra funds for childcare or care. If I were to take on a financial commitment without her approval, it would not go over well. She is saying this is entirely my sisters responsibility. She is a little bit more sympathetic towards my Dad. But she and I cannot come to an agreement on how much support to provide.

It doesn’t help that she has talked to other family members about it.

You, your sister and your Dad need to sit down and discuss this together. Your dad needs to organize it, not you and not your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister absolutely needs to take care of this. Her checking out is not an option in any way. Frankly, I'd tell her to get her A$$ in gear in reparation for all the work your mother provided to her (assuming your mother was not financially compensated by your sister) or she can forget about having any kind of relationship with you and your family going forward.

I don't understand this at all. OP, you need to deal with this, not your wife. At all. Grow a set.

If I one day have the ability to watch my precious grandchildren, I would be doing that because I wanted to NOT because I expected my DIL to provide free eldercare for me when I'm old.

If you think that playing Go Fish with a 4 year old is the same thing as providing eldercare then you have done neither and you don't know any better.

I know you think this cutesy phrasing makes it better, but you're essentially reinforcing the message OP's mom sent to his wife at the time - SIL's kids were her precious grandchildren, OP and his wife's kids were not.

You can not punish the SIL for something that she did not do. SIL is not the one who showed favoritism.

NP here-I don't see it as punishing SIL, but rather SIL had the benefit of not paying for child care and now that MIL needs help, she can off-set the costs of that help since she saved child care money earlier on.

Again. MIL chose to babysit her grandchildren. Unless SIL agreed to take on eldercare in return that is not a fair or reasonable expectation. I used to watch my neighbor's kids from time to time. I do not expect my neighbor to provide or pay for my eldercare from time to time now.

[Anonymous]

LOL Team wife here. Dad and sister need to “pitch in” and work this out. It’s just a bandaid that’s going to build up a lot of resentment. Say no now. Your wife is not responsible for making a better retirement for FIL.