Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

OP your Mom is way worse off than a little babysitting will cure and likely to get worse. The timing is bad for FIL but this is an accident waiting to happen. You sucked it up to pay for childcare. He’s going to have to find a solution and making all of you tie yourselves in knots “pitching in” isn’t going to solve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your Mom is way worse off than a little babysitting will cure and likely to get worse. The timing is bad for FIL but this is an accident waiting to happen. You sucked it up to pay for childcare. He’s going to have to find a solution and making all of you tie yourselves in knots “pitching in” isn’t going to solve it.

Agree with this poster. Dad may have to downsize and take his smaller pension sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do what you need to do for your mom. Your wife is being unreasonable and petty.

OP chimes in !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

To the above posters suggesting I contribute towards the cost of care - this is where my wife and I are at a complete impasse.

My wife does not feel we should be contributing any money or time to it. My sister (speaks regularly) about their stocks, extra addition to their house, and her salary ... She and my brother in law have been able to put away a good chunk of money for themselves and their children. My sister is not short on money, but she is used to being taken care of and when it comes for the time for her to contribute, she freezes.

My wife does not want to pay extra funds for childcare or care. If I were to take on a financial commitment without her approval, it would not go over well. She is saying this is entirely my sisters responsibility. She is a little bit more sympathetic towards my Dad. But she and I cannot come to an agreement on how much support to provide.

It doesn’t help that she has talked to other family members about it.

This just confirms that your sister is completely in the wrong here. Your wife is 100% right. Your sister needs to be contributing the lions share of costs and time. Your dad needs to tell your sister this, and you need to back your dad up. Your wife should not be the one who has to say no.

I still think you should contribute financially a little bit, but not the crazy driving and nanny schedule you proposed. Regardless, the main focus should be on getting your sister to step up. Then, only if she absolutely refuses, should you help (in honor of your dad and mom, not because it’s fair).

Any help that requires you being away from your kids is not right to your wife or kids. Financial help only.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am on your wife's side for a whole host of reasons that have already been discussed here (the cumulative cost of extra childcare, the additional burdens that will fall to your wife when you're spending 3+ extra hours a day driving/caring for your mom, how the amount of care needed will continue to creep as your sister slacks, etc.). But there's another huge piece of this that's even more compelling to me, which is that your mom is going to need a different living situation at some point, and that point may be sooner than you think. Right now you and your family have the luxury of an opportunity to figure out a solution before it's an emergency. If you don't deal with your mother's long-term care needs now, when will it happen? When you get there one afternoon to watch her only to find she's wandered from the house at some point during the afternoon and no one knows where to find her? When she takes a bad fall and breaks a hip (assuming the fall doesn't kill her)? Your options are going to be very limited when you urgently need to find a nursing home for her, and she may end up somewhere far worse than she would if you made the transition now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again.

My mom only collects SSDI. She was not eligible for social security retirement. My wife always disagreed with my moms choice to collect disability and then watch my sisters children 40+ hours/week.

And my parents took out a reverse mortgage on their house years ago. They owe more than they have in equity so I doubt we would receive much in inheritance. There is a lot of debt and very little assets.

Your sister should pay your mom for 10 years of child care. That would cover her $2000/month home care cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

To the above posters suggesting I contribute towards the cost of care - this is where my wife and I are at a complete impasse.

My wife does not feel we should be contributing any money or time to it. My sister (speaks regularly) about their stocks, extra addition to their house, and her salary ... She and my brother in law have been able to put away a good chunk of money for themselves and their children. My sister is not short on money, but she is used to being taken care of and when it comes for the time for her to contribute, she freezes.

My wife does not want to pay extra funds for childcare or care. If I were to take on a financial commitment without her approval, it would not go over well. She is saying this is entirely my sisters responsibility. She is a little bit more sympathetic towards my Dad. But she and I cannot come to an agreement on how much support to provide.

It doesn’t help that she has talked to other family members about it.

OP, your wife is right.

It sounds like your sister makes more money than you AND received a decade of free childcare from your mom. I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to contribute 10K towards your mom’s care while your sister sticks her head in the sand.

Plus, dementia care gets increasingly demanding— and fast.

Once you’re providing care every afternoon for 2-3 hours, it will be seen as your responsibility. This will be the new normal. 6 months from now if you want to go on vacation and need your sister to cover those days, you should fully expect her to call you selfish for abandoning your mom and trying to foist your responsibilities on her. Your wife is wise not to put herself in this position. You are foolish for minimizing what is being asked of you and how much it will cost in terms of finances, your marriage, your mental health and your relationship to your children.

[Anonymous]

Op - you take 2 days a week, your sister takes 2 days a week and you either hire the 5th day done or your dad finds a way to do that check himself.

Your wife is in no way obligated to help out your parents. She clearly resents the living f*** out of them and probably is not a great choice to be around them right now anyway.

Help your dad. Tell him that you can try this for 8 weeks and see how it works out. If things don't work out you'll need to come up with another plan.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry about what your family is going through. It is so tough.

I think you are probably past the point (or close to it) of having 2 visits a day be adequate care for your mom. Start thinking long term. Come up with a plan with your dad and sister. For the near term, hire a caregiver to come for a few hours. You can absolutely find a caregiver for less than 4 hours if you don’t use an agency. Try to get recommendations for local caregivers, maybe even look at care.com.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else predict that OP and his wife will divorce? I'm not wishing that on them, but if OP's posts are any indication, his expectation is that she should STFU and do whatever he wants and anything less makes her the bad guy, even though SIL and BIL aren't willing to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else predict that OP and his wife will divorce? I'm not wishing that on them, but if OP's posts are any indication, his expectation is that she should STFU and do whatever he wants and anything less makes her the bad guy, even though SIL and BIL aren't willing to step up.

You are a bigger drama queen than OP.

OP is probably a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

OP your wife being a social worker knows what kind of person stays married to an alcoholic and how undependable people like that are. She also has a greater understanding of how it’s ALL going to be in you (and her) to manage this situation. Say no now. Your mother needs REAL care not a patched together “pitch in” by your wife and you at the expense of your family your jobs and benefiting your free loading sister and useless husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else predict that OP and his wife will divorce? I'm not wishing that on them, but if OP's posts are any indication, his expectation is that she should STFU and do whatever he wants and anything less makes her the bad guy, even though SIL and BIL aren't willing to step up.

I wouldn't go that far, but OP does seem kind of weak and passive. And his wife clearly isn't a priority since he thinks she should just clean up the messes he creates with his unwillingness to assert himself.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to set some serious limits with your sister. Offer to help out or pay the cost for 1 day a week and let your sister figure out the rest. She will do the right thing but only if she is forced to. I would be livid if my husband did what you are suggesting.

[Anonymous]

Your sister should do three days a week and your dad leave work early the other two days or YOU leave work early one day a week and your dad does the other day.

This isn't on your wife, she shouldn't be asked to step in to help. This is up to you, your sister and your dad to manage.

Your wife is telling you that your family weren't there for her in her time of need but now everyone expects her to be there for them. That's not how it works.