Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Woman here invading this group. My husband is always very sweet to me and never criticizes or belittles me. That makes me want to be very sweet and nice to him and sex is part of that. And when we have sex he almost always asks what I’d enjoy because it’s not always the same and I do my best to make him happy.

Another women here. Agree with this. My entire life I used to lose interest in sex within 2-3 months of a relationship. I thought it was biological. Turns out I just picked jerks, and once I found one who treated me well, I found that I wanted sex more and more over time, not less.

So if a woman doesn’t want sex, it’s because her husband is a jerk. I get that, makes perfect sense: nobody wants sex with a jerk!

But wait: if he really is this total jerk, he would know (because she would say so) in fact she would quickly divorce him! Because who stays married to a jerk? So this “no sex with a jerk” theory cannot apply to this thread, because these guys aren’t divorced, and their wives aren’t calling them jerks, therefore they can’t be jerks.

Try again please?

*shrug* A lot of people won't get divorced for various reasons- kids, finances, societal pressure. I mean, you can apply your same logic and say "no man would stay married to a woman who won't have sex with him! Who stays married to that? So your "wife won't have sex with me" doesn't apply this thread, therefore all the men here are actually getting laid!"

If you want to keep telling yourself it's not your fault your wife won't sleep with you, go ahead. Doesn't affect my life at all, and I'm happily getting laid several times a week.

You are saying that a sexless wife (secretly) WANTS to divorce her jerk husband except ... he’s a provider, and her divorced-over-35-mom-with-joint-custody life would be too hard. She wants to continue getting her benefits of marriage while providing him no ... benefits. Is this your message?

Also: you are calling these wives liars. Because a husband who isn’t getting sex due to being a jerk.... surely must KNOW he is a jerk! Unless his wife is being dishonest. Is that it? The men really ARE jerks but the wives are LYING about it? Because a jerk is more likely to stop being a jerk if his wife keeps this a secret?

The men are being honest. Their sexless wives KNOW their husband is unhappy about not getting laid. The men aren’t pretending to be happy about no sex while (manipulatively) thinking that keeping this secret will result in... sex.

And your counter argument (who stays married to a wife who won’t have sex) fails because sex can be had elsewhere, whereas a jerk husband will just keep on being a big old jerk.

Try again please?

I don't know what to tell you, man. Every woman I know- myself included- who lost interest in sex did so because their husband wasn't a good partner.

You can keep telling yourself whatever you want about how it's all your wife's fault that she won't sleep with you. It probably won't help you get laid. From the way you word your posts, you sound bitter and sarcastic, so I'm not surprised she isn't interested.

Happy to provide you with some resources if you're interested in improving your marriage.

So you immediately left your husband, because who stays with a bad partner? And well before you leaving, he was clear about being a jerk, yet he wanted to remain a jerk?

Your guidance seems to be: she loses interest mean romantic relationship is over. If a husband want to stay together as platonic room mates, open the marriage. Otherwise divorce. Do NOT keep doing chores expecting sex (ever). Thank you for confirming the well know solution to a sexless marriage.

PP here. I did leave my husband, after years of telling him I didn't want to be treated the way he treated me. My new SO treats me very well and we have sex daily (twice a day now that we're stuck at home).

My ex did try to pull the open marriage card and I was fine with it. Gave him my blessing and offered to show him how to set up a Tinder profile. But he pretty quickly found out not too many women want to have sex with a married guy who belittles them.

As for chores....I seriously barely have to lift a finger, my SO does almost all of it, always happily and usually shirtless Not saying that chores=sex, but it definitely helps. But he doesn't do it expecting sex, he does it because he likes doing nice things for me. So I like doing nice things back.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So a man can be a jerk all the time JUST ENOUGH so that she won't divorce him, and he feels he can continue to be a jerk to her and expect her to put out? She decides that she will stay in the marriage for the children which in many cases benefits the children and their finances, including the husband's.

I swear, some men act like sex is the only thing that matters in the marriage. Yes, sex is important, but seriously, you come across as this is the only thing you care about. You don't seem to be *listening* to anything women have posted here. No wonder you are in a sexless marriage. How's your strategy working for you? Not so great, it seems.

Thankfully, my DH did learn to listen to me, and now he gets sex regularly.

Sex is not the ONLY thing that matters to a man in a marriage. However it is an ESSENTIAL part of a sustainable marriage (for men).

Shame on any husband for being a jerk! (see I HAVE listened) His wife should tell him he's a jerk, certainly should not have unwanted sex with a jerk, and if he keeps being a jerk, divorce him.

But you explained that she stays (for all the benefits of marriage) and remains sexless (because he's a jerk). Here now we have a platonic room mate marriage of convenience. You need to understand that fidelity cannot be expected in this kind of marriage. The husband, being a normal man who needs sex, simply fixes this in 15 seconds by declaring the marriage open. Only in this way can the room mater marriage survive. Him going elsewhere benefits her: she gets to stay sexlessly married, just like she wants.

Why do men want to keep being jerks to their wives? I don’t understand it. What do they get out of it?

Why not just aplologize for the things you have done in the past, stop being a jerk in the present, and just enjoy a happy, loving marriage and a good sex life?

You are assuming that he acknowledges he did anything wrong. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but it does take two to tango. I do wonder what he is doing to rectify the situation other than saying he feels justified in cheating on his wife.

Not really.
Even if you are right, and you did nothing wrong, why not just acknowledge that whatever you did hurt your wife, apologize, quit doing it, and just be happy?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

As much as I hate to reinforce angry sexless guys point - I cheated on my zero libido wife and my AP told me I was the best she ever had. So no, I don't think i was or most men or women being denied by their husbands are the problem

Agreed. My husband is fine in bed.It isn't him, it's me. Coming up on menopause. Bored with him after 20 years of marriage. We drifted apart in part because our marriage was very child focused, and then because we had some trauma and resentment. End result for me is that sex with DH just isn't appealing, even if he CAN make me cum. Really sex is not all about cumming. It's the journey, and I'm not interested in that journey with him.

Exactly... resentment is a sex killer, and for most women, the libido starts in the brain. But that does not mean that every woman who resents her husband for something wants a divorce. It is situational, and sometimes the resentment isn't enough to warrant a divorce, but it doesn't mean that they want to hop into bed with him for the moment, either. Just because she is angry with you for a time doesn't mean you have the right to go have an affair. No person in a marriage should be afraid to be angry with their spouse for fear that spouse will cheat on you. That's absurd, and all that tells me is that the cheating spouse is selfish, and the marriage is all about him him him.

And to a PP, both men and women stay in sexless/loveless marriages for various reasons, one of which is children. That is why once the kids go off to college, you see divorce rates go up.

So a woman can resent her jerkface husband JUST ENOUGH to not want sex with him, but NOT enough to divorce him. She wants the benefits of marriage without providing any .... benefits to him. Got it.

Here we have ANOTHER confirmation of the man's fix to a sexless marriage: declare it open.

Men benefit from marriage in other ways besides sex.
Children, family, stability, cooking/cleaning, social life, etc. There is another man on here who stayed in a sexless marriage all the while planning divorce as soon as the children went to college. He also wanted the benefits without providing any...

+1. This is so true. Women are the ones who are used during their prime years for children, men’s career building, relationship building, maintaining home, taking care of kids while also contributing financially. This goes on until kids are raised, their careers are built, their relationships are formed and then men divorce. Women are on the losing end in this equation no matter how you look at it. Only men benefit in this situation, everyone else loses.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

Men don’t suddenly get bad in bed. It was there all along but you just wanted a husband.

Or sex wasn't the #1 important thing on the list.

So how did you power through while dating and why not do it now?

Not PP and not in a sexless marriage but this is an incredibly dumb question. When you're dating things are new and exciting and you're willing to overlook things that aren't perfect. You're not really powering through so much as doing something you're excited about but that isn't quite as good as you thought it would be. Like eating a piece of chocolate cake that looks GREAT but tastes meh. But hey, its chocolate cake! Even meh chocolate cake is still chocolate cake! But when you've been together 15 years and been overlooking that annoying thing for 15 years AND you're generally annoyed at them for 10 other things, then you don't want it anymore. You don't want the 150th meh piece of chocolate cake. And you know what, a mediocre creme brulee would probably taste AMAZING right now because you're so freaking sick of chocolate cake.

In the beginning no one is faking or powering through, there just isn't ages of baggage and resentment and boredom piled up.

That’s a whole lot of word salad that you posted. You’re claiming that women “overlook” bad sex in the beginning of dating because it’s new and exciting. Your sex life must be interesting if you think bad sex = exciting relationship. Setting that aside you then think that women just keep moving forward through dating and an engagement continuing to accept bad sex? No. What a bizarre defense to women just having sex until they get what they want.

Your comment shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how most women experience sex. Yes there is 'bad' sex which will be immediately understood as bad and a woman will dump that guy. It hurts or something like that. And for some women who know their bodies even more things will be immediate disqualifiers (he doesn't reciprocate going down or something). But for many women sex is inextricably woven in with how you emotionally feel about the person. So in the beginning just ok sex with someone you're falling in love with doesn't actually feel just ok. It feels great! Maybe not the best you've ever had but great. Certainly not enough to maybe mess up what could be your forever relationship! But time goes on and you go through phases where you need to spice it up or whatever and if you and your partner are failing at that, and the initial emotional rush of being in love has faded and you're more irritated about the dishes than enamored with thinking about whether or not he could be the one then the woman will be less emotionally engaged and the 'just ok' sex that felt great in the beginning now feels like a chore.

Very few women I know think quality of sex is one of the most important parts of picking a spouse. The emotional aspects are far more important, and frequently harder to find. So IME women who find a good emotional connection will overlook a lot of sex issues. Women also have a hard time overall being straight critical to men about sex (and men generally have a hard time accepting negative feedback about it) so women will just not say anything because they don't think its worth fixing because they don't care about it as much. But sex IS important and as a dry spell goes on, as a couple becomes less and less physically connected, all the emotional stuff starts to strain too.

Women would benefit from accepting and understanding that men need sex to keep up the emotional side (or at least, it makes it a lot easier for them) and men would benefit from accepting and understanding that women need the emotional side to enjoy sex. Which is why it only really works when both people are making the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FLESHLIGHT and YOUPORN. Amazon is still open

You are not getting sex at home. You cannot have go to your AP either. You can't boink your Co-Worker. You cannot get a happy ending massage. You cannot go to a prostitute either. In fact, you are in a sexual famine shitshow, the likes of which you have never seen before. Even HIV was not that limiting and you could use condoms and carry on somewhat.

There is no support group for you guys, Not even a groupon.

Oh yes there is. Ever hear of AshleyMadison and the likes? I could re-activate my account there anytime and find someone inside of a few weeks.

You have to be nutso. I wouldn't be sharing bodily fluids with anyone especially if you value your health. No one is worth that.

You have a left hand and right. If cheating is a thrill for you....cheat on your left hand with your right! There solved it for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

As much as I hate to reinforce angry sexless guys point - I cheated on my zero libido wife and my AP told me I was the best she ever had. So no, I don't think i was or most men or women being denied by their husbands are the problem

Agreed. My husband is fine in bed.It isn't him, it's me. Coming up on menopause. Bored with him after 20 years of marriage. We drifted apart in part because our marriage was very child focused, and then because we had some trauma and resentment. End result for me is that sex with DH just isn't appealing, even if he CAN make me cum. Really sex is not all about cumming. It's the journey, and I'm not interested in that journey with him.

Exactly... resentment is a sex killer, and for most women, the libido starts in the brain. But that does not mean that every woman who resents her husband for something wants a divorce. It is situational, and sometimes the resentment isn't enough to warrant a divorce, but it doesn't mean that they want to hop into bed with him for the moment, either. Just because she is angry with you for a time doesn't mean you have the right to go have an affair. No person in a marriage should be afraid to be angry with their spouse for fear that spouse will cheat on you. That's absurd, and all that tells me is that the cheating spouse is selfish, and the marriage is all about him him him.

And to a PP, both men and women stay in sexless/loveless marriages for various reasons, one of which is children. That is why once the kids go off to college, you see divorce rates go up.

So a woman can resent her jerkface husband JUST ENOUGH to not want sex with him, but NOT enough to divorce him. She wants the benefits of marriage without providing any .... benefits to him. Got it.

Here we have ANOTHER confirmation of the man's fix to a sexless marriage: declare it open.

Men benefit from marriage in other ways besides sex.
Children, family, stability, cooking/cleaning, social life, etc. There is another man on here who stayed in a sexless marriage all the while planning divorce as soon as the children went to college. He also wanted the benefits without providing any...

Lack of sex (to a man) is a fatal omission for a marriage. Like having a "great car if only it had a steering wheel" it doesn't matter how good are the chrome wheels, leather seats, turbo engine, infotainment system... still cannot drive it: does not meet the basic requirements of a functional car.

So if your wife is mad at you for something, do you still expect to her to have sex with you? Does she have *any* say in whether she puts out?

You want her to basically be a prostitute and give it up just because you put a ring on her finger?

If a man refuses to compromise or address his wife's needs as well he can't expect sex to happen. It's a two way street. His needs or no more important. With health issues, job, kids, bills and everyday living sex is certainly not the most important factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My ex did try to pull the open marriage card and I was fine with it. Gave him my blessing and offered to show him how to set up a Tinder profile. But he pretty quickly found out not too many women want to have sex with a married guy who belittles them.

I dunno, sounds hot to me! Personally I'd love to screw a married dude who talks about women like they're Fleshlights, and women who won't sleep with them like they're broken Fleshlights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My ex did try to pull the open marriage card and I was fine with it. Gave him my blessing and offered to show him how to set up a Tinder profile. But he pretty quickly found out not too many women want to have sex with a married guy who belittles them.

I dunno, sounds hot to me! Personally I'd love to screw a married dude who talks about women like they're Fleshlights, and women who won't sleep with them like they're broken Fleshlights.

Here is the thing. All you sexless ladies are bored with your husbands right? But (most) of you remain (at least slightly) interested in sex with some other new/exciting man who showers you with attention.

Think about that for a moment. A middle aged husband's best chance for sex is not with his own wife, but with the lady up the street, the woman who works at dry cleaners, the girl at church. He may be boring to you, but he can easily be that new/exciting guy for every other woman on the planet.

If you are a sexless wife, this is what's keeping your marriage together right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My ex did try to pull the open marriage card and I was fine with it. Gave him my blessing and offered to show him how to set up a Tinder profile. But he pretty quickly found out not too many women want to have sex with a married guy who belittles them.

I dunno, sounds hot to me! Personally I'd love to screw a married dude who talks about women like they're Fleshlights, and women who won't sleep with them like they're broken Fleshlights.

Here is the thing. All you sexless ladies are bored with your husbands right? But (most) of you remain (at least slightly) interested in sex with some other new/exciting man who showers you with attention.

Think about that for a moment. A middle aged husband's best chance for sex is not with his own wife, but with the lady up the street, the woman who works at dry cleaners, the girl at church. He may be boring to you, but he can easily be that new/exciting guy for every other woman on the planet.

If you are a sexless wife, this is what's keeping your marriage together right now.

Nope. I have enough sex with my husband to keep him happy and my AP has (not quite) enough sex with me to keep me happy. His wife, though, she's SOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My ex did try to pull the open marriage card and I was fine with it. Gave him my blessing and offered to show him how to set up a Tinder profile. But he pretty quickly found out not too many women want to have sex with a married guy who belittles them.

I dunno, sounds hot to me! Personally I'd love to screw a married dude who talks about women like they're Fleshlights, and women who won't sleep with them like they're broken Fleshlights.

Here is the thing. All you sexless ladies are bored with your husbands right? But (most) of you remain (at least slightly) interested in sex with some other new/exciting man who showers you with attention.

Think about that for a moment. A middle aged husband's best chance for sex is not with his own wife, but with the lady up the street, the woman who works at dry cleaners, the girl at church. He may be boring to you, but he can easily be that new/exciting guy for every other woman on the planet.

If you are a sexless wife, this is what's keeping your marriage together right now.

Maybe married ladies — single women can mostly do better than a married man, and choose to.

[Anonymous]

I'm a sexless wife. I had a FWB (and my husband's blessing), but that's over now. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Here is the thing. All you sexless ladies are bored with your husbands right? But (most) of you remain (at least slightly) interested in sex with some other new/exciting man who showers you with attention.

Think about that for a moment. A middle aged husband's best chance for sex is not with his own wife, but with the lady up the street, the woman who works at dry cleaners, the girl at church. He may be boring to you, but he can easily be that new/exciting guy for every other woman on the planet.

If you are a sexless wife, this is what's keeping your marriage together right now.

Because to the lady up the street, you are also new to her, and she doesn't harbor any resentment to you, yet. And vice versa.

[Anonymous]

I bet some of the men here subscribe to the thought process that rape can’t happen within a marriage because she “owes” her husband.

As for me, I actually wouldn’t mind my husband having sex outside our marriage if and only if there was a guarantee of no pregnancy, no disease, and absolutely no emotional attachment. Problem is, none of those can be fully guaranteed, especially emotions. Nope, sorry.

The only thing that offers that is his hand. Which he’s welcome to use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Here is the thing. All you sexless ladies are bored with your husbands right? But (most) of you remain (at least slightly) interested in sex with some other new/exciting man who showers you with attention.

Think about that for a moment. A middle aged husband's best chance for sex is not with his own wife, but with the lady up the street, the woman who works at dry cleaners, the girl at church. He may be boring to you, but he can easily be that new/exciting guy for every other woman on the planet.

If you are a sexless wife, this is what's keeping your marriage together right now.

Because to the lady up the street, you are also new to her, and she doesn't harbor any resentment to you, yet. And vice versa.

Exactly! Every 9 months, the couples rotate, like musical chairs. This is the only proven method that keeps a sexless marriage from becoming a divorce.
So long as women have a rotating cast of new/exciting guys to woo her, she exhibits a responsive libido, and another marriage is saved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet some of the men here subscribe to the thought process that rape can’t happen within a marriage because she “owes” her husband.

As for me, I actually wouldn’t mind my husband having sex outside our marriage if and only if there was a guarantee of no pregnancy, no disease, and absolutely no emotional attachment. Problem is, none of those can be fully guaranteed, especially emotions. Nope, sorry.

The only thing that offers that is his hand. Which he’s welcome to use.

Nope. Women don't owe their husbands anything. Just as he does not owe you fidelity.
Sorry indeed. You can use your own hand.