Please let me shamelessly brag here: I am so happy I only have 1 child!

[Anonymous]

It’s bewildering to me that there are so many contentious anecdotal comments on this thread. Of course, some siblings are close as children and stay close into adulthood, some grow apart. Some parents and children stay close as the children grow into adults, and some do not. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful family relationships throughout their lives, some are more complicated, and some simply do not. Some lean on friends and spouses more than family, some do not. There’s no way to predict the future, however what it boils down to is life is made rich through relationships—not fancy camps or airline tickets. This does not mean that these need to be familial relationships, however strong relationships are the biggest indicator of quality of life. You can all argue about how many children you wanted to have to achieve the best quality of life for you and your kids, but your anecdotes are irrelevant because they pertain to your family experience only—you cannot speak for others to presume how they are fulfilling their own lives with meaningful relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh...my kids all don't like "only" children. Say they can tell right off who is and they are entitled, think the world revolves around them, and are unable to share. So good luck

Your kids sound like jerks. So good luck!

Seriously. It's also an outdated view.

I remember as a kid in elementary, an adult contemptuously asking me if I was an only child because I ordered a burger plain at McDonald's. I told her that actually, I'm the middle child of three. People have stereotypes, and look for examples that fit them (confirmation bias). That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, DITTO.

Grew up in a family with 4 kids. Never felt like I had much 1:1 time with either of my parents. As adults, my siblings aren't even close.

LOVE that my kid won't miss out on a close relationship with me & my husband.

Also, more kids = more stress. We are living the good life in our house. Everything is so easy!

Sounds like you had a generally shitty upbringing with generally shitty and unfeeling people including yourself, all having little to do with the size of your family. That your siblings aren't close as adults speaks volumes.

eh, the reality is that it's hard to make one on one time with each of your kids when you have 4 kids. That doesn't make you a crappy parent, it's just the reality of your life.

Trying to volunteer in 4 different classrooms, go on 4 different field trips every year, plan 4 equal birthday parties, have kids in 4 different activities....is a lot harder than it is with smaller families. I grew up in a family with 4 kids and I rarely got one on one time with my parents. They were both working hard at their jobs, coming home and taking care of chores around the house. As kids, we were expected to pitch in and help out with the yard work, housework, cooking and laundry. The older kids often babysat the younger kids. We pitched in, helped out as needed - not a bad trait to have.

We were loved and cared for but no way did we get the individual attention from our parents that kids from smaller families get. We didn't have the opportunity for travel/extra curriculars, we didn't wear trendy clothes, we didn't go out to eat very often, new toys were birthday/Christmas ONLY. We did learn how to share, work as a team and do a lot with a little.

I am now the parent of 2 kids and it has been way easier for dh and I to give our kids individual attention. If I had to divide my time up between 4 kids, they would get less individual attention and they would each get less of the family's resources. Bigger families do get that interplay of sibling relationships and I think they tend to grow up very grounded.

There's such a thing as too much of a good thing too though. I'm an only and had a big family in part because of the smothering microscope I grew up under. Without siblings to compare me to and relieve some of the attention, every single mistake, eye roll, and imperfect grade was examined and discussed. I was a really good kid drowning under sky-high expectations without any breathing room at all to have fun and just be a kid.

I was also really really scared of being left alone on this earth someday so I was terrified I'd never find someone to marry which led to some bad decisions about relationships before I met DH. Thank you, therapist, for helping me figure that one out.

I also don't know what I would have done without my dad's brother when my dad passed away. So I'm thankful he had a sibling to take on some of that when it would have fallen entirely to me at age 25, since my mom was a hot mess and incoherent for weeks. I think she was also scared of being alone since I lived across the country. She recently moved in with us because she was by herself with no other family and wasn't handling it well. So I'm still managing all of the emotional and physical work of being my mom's only child without anyone else to take her attention.

I definitely agree with the OP that having 1 child is easier on the parent and cheaper. Every person makes decisions based on their own preferences and experiences though, so there are no wrong answers.

O.k. some natural pitfalls to avoid in bigger families:

1) Giving the oldest a disproportionate amount of your energy because everything is a first with them as a parent. Once you figure things out with #1, then the others follow the same formula.

2) Comparing your younger kids to much more competent older kids. There is a reason the older kids can do more than the younger ones - they are older. This is a good way to make your younger children feel "less than" and inadequate.

3) Give your middle children equal time. The middles are often sandwiched between the attention getting oldest and the doted on baby. They need to feel valued, too.

4) Don't spoil the baby too much or expect the others to do for the baby. Ex: your 7 year old is fighting with her 5 year old sister over a barbie doll. You tell the older one to stop being mean to their younger sister. Instead, hold them both accountable and take away the doll.

Try to always be fair. It's hard because kids have different personalities and some seem need their parents more than others do. It's human nature to take care of the squeaky wheel first. Just be aware that your quieter, less needy children need you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, DITTO.

Grew up in a family with 4 kids. Never felt like I had much 1:1 time with either of my parents. As adults, my siblings aren't even close.

LOVE that my kid won't miss out on a close relationship with me & my husband.

Also, more kids = more stress. We are living the good life in our house. Everything is so easy!

Sounds like you had a generally shitty upbringing with generally shitty and unfeeling people including yourself, all having little to do with the size of your family. That your siblings aren't close as adults speaks volumes.

eh, the reality is that it's hard to make one on one time with each of your kids when you have 4 kids. That doesn't make you a crappy parent, it's just the reality of your life.

Trying to volunteer in 4 different classrooms, go on 4 different field trips every year, plan 4 equal birthday parties, have kids in 4 different activities....is a lot harder than it is with smaller families. I grew up in a family with 4 kids and I rarely got one on one time with my parents. They were both working hard at their jobs, coming home and taking care of chores around the house. As kids, we were expected to pitch in and help out with the yard work, housework, cooking and laundry. The older kids often babysat the younger kids. We pitched in, helped out as needed - not a bad trait to have.

We were loved and cared for but no way did we get the individual attention from our parents that kids from smaller families get. We didn't have the opportunity for travel/extra curriculars, we didn't wear trendy clothes, we didn't go out to eat very often, new toys were birthday/Christmas ONLY. We did learn how to share, work as a team and do a lot with a little.

I am now the parent of 2 kids and it has been way easier for dh and I to give our kids individual attention. If I had to divide my time up between 4 kids, they would get less individual attention and they would each get less of the family's resources. Bigger families do get that interplay of sibling relationships and I think they tend to grow up very grounded.

There's such a thing as too much of a good thing too though. I'm an only and had a big family in part because of the smothering microscope I grew up under. Without siblings to compare me to and relieve some of the attention, every single mistake, eye roll, and imperfect grade was examined and discussed. I was a really good kid drowning under sky-high expectations without any breathing room at all to have fun and just be a kid.

I was also really really scared of being left alone on this earth someday so I was terrified I'd never find someone to marry which led to some bad decisions about relationships before I met DH. Thank you, therapist, for helping me figure that one out.

I also don't know what I would have done without my dad's brother when my dad passed away. So I'm thankful he had a sibling to take on some of that when it would have fallen entirely to me at age 25, since my mom was a hot mess and incoherent for weeks. I think she was also scared of being alone since I lived across the country. She recently moved in with us because she was by herself with no other family and wasn't handling it well. So I'm still managing all of the emotional and physical work of being my mom's only child without anyone else to take her attention.

I definitely agree with the OP that having 1 child is easier on the parent and cheaper. Every person makes decisions based on their own preferences and experiences though, so there are no wrong answers.

O.k. some natural pitfalls to avoid in bigger families:

1) Giving the oldest a disproportionate amount of your energy because everything is a first with them as a parent. Once you figure things out with #1, then the others follow the same formula.

2) Comparing your younger kids to much more competent older kids. There is a reason the older kids can do more than the younger ones - they are older. This is a good way to make your younger children feel "less than" and inadequate.

3) Give your middle children equal time. The middles are often sandwiched between the attention getting oldest and the doted on baby. They need to feel valued, too.

4) Don't spoil the baby too much or expect the others to do for the baby. Ex: your 7 year old is fighting with her 5 year old sister over a barbie doll. You tell the older one to stop being mean to their younger sister. Instead, hold them both accountable and take away the doll.

Try to always be fair. It's hard because kids have different personalities and some seem need their parents more than others do. It's human nature to take care of the squeaky wheel first. Just be aware that your quieter, less needy children need you, too.

As the oldest, I have almost never observed that the oldest kids get a disproportionate amount of attention the second a sibling comes along. They're older, they're rarely the squeakiest wheel that gets the grease. More often than not, the older kid takes on a parental-adjacent role and has to suck it up all the time because the younger ones need more. I also haven't seen parents make the younger ones feel inadequate because they can't do as much as the older ones; more often I've seen the older ones have to be patient and understanding of the younger because of age, of course they are less competent! BUT the older kid had better be competent at all times, heaven forbid they aren't or have other needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again- I think it’s important to be a normal sane person and have a good relationship with your children, no matter how many (of course there are cases when kids are not the people you can be close to, but in general).

I also think playing together is a bit overrated. People grow up and have friends of their own so it all evens out.

I am glad I have my brother to discuss the crazies that my parents are but if they were normal, we would have much less to talk about tbh.

My kids playing together is the stuff dreams are made of. Sure they grow up, and sure they have their own friends, but when they're little and they enjoy one another? Amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life circumstances led me to have only one child. And DH passed away. So it is just the two of us. We do travel a lot. I have a friend with 3 kids and she seems to get irritated that DD and I are able to go so many places/do so many things. Well it is much easier to travel with 2 than 5. And that was her choice to have 3 kids. On the flip side, sometimes I envy her -- having that large family and a husband. So it works both ways....

What is there to envy in a big family? I bet they can never find a restaurant they like or agree on a vacation plan or something... also, can she even get a job? Childcare is so expensive

This is PP -- perhaps you missed the part where my husband passed away. Yes I envy my friends in tact family unit. And sometimes it seems fun to have more than one child. Yes my friend has a job now that kids are in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My first has special needs. I am so thankful that I have a healthy, functional second child!!!!!!!!!!

I understand, pp. My two are adults now and our second has made the road easier and happier for all of us. Doesn’t mean his sibling isn’t loved immensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life circumstances led me to have only one child. And DH passed away. So it is just the two of us. We do travel a lot. I have a friend with 3 kids and she seems to get irritated that DD and I are able to go so many places/do so many things. Well it is much easier to travel with 2 than 5. And that was her choice to have 3 kids. On the flip side, sometimes I envy her -- having that large family and a husband. So it works both ways....

What is there to envy in a big family? I bet they can never find a restaurant they like or agree on a vacation plan or something... also, can she even get a job? Childcare is so expensive

This is PP -- perhaps you missed the part where my husband passed away. Yes I envy my friends in tact family unit. And sometimes it seems fun to have more than one child. Yes my friend has a job now that kids are in school.

I am sorry I didn’t mean anything in relation to your husband... I just said that I don’t understand the appeal of big families. I am sorry if my words were hurtful, I didn’t mean it that way.

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking about this thread. I think, OP, that you are actually articulating that you are happy that you have enough money to support your kid(s) (not that you only have one kid).

Meaning, we all have different amounts of money, and it's nice to have enough money to support however many kids we have. For OP, that number is 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad you posted this. I do tend to feel bad for parents with only one child. I felt like there were either fertility issues or money issues or marriage issues. I don’t say anything of course, but I did feel kind of sorry for them.

I should think about it from this perspective instead.

Np: as a parent of an only, your perspective is interesting to me (no snark) - it didn’t occur to me that people may think our choice to have only one child was because of one of the issues you mentioned (or others). Finances were a factor in our decision because of what we want to provide to our child, but we could “afford” to have more.

People like the first PP are just insecure (although they'll say they aren't - they doth protest too much), so it makes them feel better about themselves to pity other people. It says a lot about them, actually.

PP here. I totally admit I’m insecure about pretty much everything. No protesting here. And no it doesn’t make me feel good to pity others. Does that actually make anyone feel good? Pretty much everyone I know who has one child wanted another but just couldn’t for one of those reasons. So I incorrectly thought it was rare to actually choose to just have one. I’m glad I have a new perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life circumstances led me to have only one child. And DH passed away. So it is just the two of us. We do travel a lot. I have a friend with 3 kids and she seems to get irritated that DD and I are able to go so many places/do so many things. Well it is much easier to travel with 2 than 5. And that was her choice to have 3 kids. On the flip side, sometimes I envy her -- having that large family and a husband. So it works both ways....

What is there to envy in a big family? I bet they can never find a restaurant they like or agree on a vacation plan or something... also, can she even get a job? Childcare is so expensive

This is PP -- perhaps you missed the part where my husband passed away. Yes I envy my friends in tact family unit. And sometimes it seems fun to have more than one child. Yes my friend has a job now that kids are in school.

I am sorry I didn’t mean anything in relation to your husband... I just said that I don’t understand the appeal of big families. I am sorry if my words were hurtful, I didn’t mean it that way.

Ok we're good. I guess I just think it would be fun to have more people in our family. I don't know why I think that. I am generally pretty content with our life of 2 though. We work well together and like I said - we're pretty mobile (travel a lot).

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine has 5 kids, SAHM. Her second oldest, a 12 year old girl, constantly has to watch and take care of the youngest - changes diapers, feeds her, puts her to sleep, etc, etc.

I think she's depressed.

[Anonymous]

Op here: maybe I am hanging out with the wrong crowd but I have 4 friends with 2 kids, and
-one friend is super happy but can’t afford much for her kids (husband is well off but doesn’t want to spend on extracurriculars- but their college will be taken care of if they get accepted). She also had them young and was struggling completing her education and now she is reluctant to get a job because childcare and all;
- second friend’s kids are always bickering, she takes one at a time for outings;
- third friend’s husband is a jerk and prefers one sibling and it is very obvious;
- fourth’s health really declined after having a second, chronic illness, expensive treatment

If course I can’t tell them I am happy I made my decision.
I know there are happy families with multiple kids but...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad you posted this. I do tend to feel bad for parents with only one child. I felt like there were either fertility issues or money issues or marriage issues. I don’t say anything of course, but I did feel kind of sorry for them.

I should think about it from this perspective instead.

Np: as a parent of an only, your perspective is interesting to me (no snark) - it didn’t occur to me that people may think our choice to have only one child was because of one of the issues you mentioned (or others). Finances were a factor in our decision because of what we want to provide to our child, but we could “afford” to have more.

People like the first PP are just insecure (although they'll say they aren't - they doth protest too much), so it makes them feel better about themselves to pity other people. It says a lot about them, actually.

PP here. I totally admit I’m insecure about pretty much everything. No protesting here. And no it doesn’t make me feel good to pity others. Does that actually make anyone feel good? Pretty much everyone I know who has one child wanted another but just couldn’t for one of those reasons. So I incorrectly thought it was rare to actually choose to just have one. I’m glad I have a new perspective.

DP, where do you live? I live in DC and know many families with just one--maybe not many, but it's not uncommon. Not sure I ever wondered why, although I'll note that most were older first-time parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life circumstances led me to have only one child. And DH passed away. So it is just the two of us. We do travel a lot. I have a friend with 3 kids and she seems to get irritated that DD and I are able to go so many places/do so many things. Well it is much easier to travel with 2 than 5. And that was her choice to have 3 kids. On the flip side, sometimes I envy her -- having that large family and a husband. So it works both ways....

What is there to envy in a big family? I bet they can never find a restaurant they like or agree on a vacation plan or something... also, can she even get a job? Childcare is so expensive

This is PP -- perhaps you missed the part where my husband passed away. Yes I envy my friends in tact family unit. And sometimes it seems fun to have more than one child. Yes my friend has a job now that kids are in school.

I am sorry I didn’t mean anything in relation to your husband... I just said that I don’t understand the appeal of big families. I am sorry if my words were hurtful, I didn’t mean it that way.

Ok we're good. I guess I just think it would be fun to have more people in our family. I don't know why I think that. I am generally pretty content with our life of 2 though. We work well together and like I said - we're pretty mobile (travel a lot).

Honestly all I see in bigger families (4+ ppl total) is having to constantly balance interests, someone always wins etc.