Trying to handle baby + big law and failing miserably. Talk me down.

[Anonymous]

I’m an older mom - we all thought we were breaking ground in getting the ability to work part-time in law. It was unheard of at the time. But now it seems like the young lawyer moms don’t really want to take that path, which is a little disappointing. The long hours in law really only started after women entered the profession, and part-time isn’t really part-time in the law anyways.

I went to 60% with first-born, then increased to 80% about a year after third-born was born. Now I work in-house, full-time. I will never regret taking that time with my kids.

The law is a grind - a marathon, not a sprint. Remember that as you make your decisions. Your heart will tell you the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an older mom - we all thought we were breaking ground in getting the ability to work part-time in law. It was unheard of at the time. But now it seems like the young lawyer moms don’t really want to take that path, which is a little disappointing. The long hours in law really only started after women entered the profession, and part-time isn’t really part-time in the law anyways.

I went to 60% with first-born, then increased to 80% about a year after third-born was born. Now I work in-house, full-time. I will never regret taking that time with my kids.

The law is a grind - a marathon, not a sprint. Remember that as you make your decisions. Your heart will tell you the right thing to do.

We don’t trust the firm to really respect that it’s part time. We see the lack of central planning at the firm—they don’t really seem to ever know who is being overworked and who needs more work. The client needs come first, not the deal they cut with me, a new mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an older mom - we all thought we were breaking ground in getting the ability to work part-time in law. It was unheard of at the time. But now it seems like the young lawyer moms don’t really want to take that path, which is a little disappointing. The long hours in law really only started after women entered the profession, and part-time isn’t really part-time in the law anyways.

I went to 60% with first-born, then increased to 80% about a year after third-born was born. Now I work in-house, full-time. I will never regret taking that time with my kids.

The law is a grind - a marathon, not a sprint. Remember that as you make your decisions. Your heart will tell you the right thing to do.

We don’t trust the firm to really respect that it’s part time. We see the lack of central planning at the firm—they don’t really seem to ever know who is being overworked and who needs more work. The client needs come first, not the deal they cut with me, a new mom.

I understand that. You also have to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries, say no to a project. It’s a good life lesson.

[Anonymous]

No advice really since it's just going to be crazy hard, end stop. However, take the time NOW to schedule things to look forward to. Spa day, summer vacation, holiday vacation, etc. Book rooms, book flights, make it official. Looking forward to this downtime is what can get you through it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to quit. There’s no other option. Take the steps to create a light at the end of the tunnel - basically give yourself a deadline and work toward it. Life is too short and big law isn’t going to change anytime soon. Clients pay a huge premium to obtain immediate service and partners won’t tolerate anything less.

I’m on the other side of a decade in big law and I haven’t regretted my exit for a second. There are humane lawyers out there doing interesting work.

Yep. Everyone I know who started in Biglaw has quit or is a man.

Or has an au pair and lots of extra help and doesn’t mind not seeing their kid very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an older mom - we all thought we were breaking ground in getting the ability to work part-time in law. It was unheard of at the time. But now it seems like the young lawyer moms don’t really want to take that path, which is a little disappointing. The long hours in law really only started after women entered the profession, and part-time isn’t really part-time in the law anyways.

I went to 60% with first-born, then increased to 80% about a year after third-born was born. Now I work in-house, full-time. I will never regret taking that time with my kids.

The law is a grind - a marathon, not a sprint. Remember that as you make your decisions. Your heart will tell you the right thing to do.

We don’t trust the firm to really respect that it’s part time. We see the lack of central planning at the firm—they don’t really seem to ever know who is being overworked and who needs more work. The client needs come first, not the deal they cut with me, a new mom.

I understand that. You also have to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries, say no to a project. It’s a good life lesson.

I’m trying to tell you why I never went part time since you expressed disappointment. It was my lack of trust in the firm to respect my boundaries without ultimately punishing me for it.

Instead I just did less. I went “part time” while collecting the whole salary. And then I lateraled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM with big law partner spouse and I’m shocked everyone is telling you to quit (would they say this to a man?!?)

You need more hired help, and your DH needs to handle arranging it. He should be in charge of 95% of household and childcare tasks, and the only thing on your plate most days should be time with the kids. Ideally that means hiring a nanny, getting prepped meals delivered, having house cleaner who does laundry, etc. And DH should be in charge of managing the hired help, and being back-up should something fall through. Then while he’s “in charge” of 95%, he doesn’t actually DO 95%.

This is how the men do it. It’s not just the outsourcing - it’s the not even thinking about the outsourcing.

Also, my DH is home for the 6-8 stretch with the kids most nights, but if he’s not, it’s no big deal. This was not the case when he was a mid-level (luckily kids were way younger). The more senior you get the easier it is to block off that time.

Stay in the game! I wish more women did, and I wish more women had husbands who do what wives do for men.

they're telling her to quit because it's extremely rare to find a man who will actually do everything a woman would do as a SAHM. Not impossible, but rare. also, they're telling her to quit because when the genders are switched, to a certain extent, this demonstrates how pointless jobs like Biglaw that consume your entire life are, for any gender. Also, there are many options between quitting Biglaw and quitting work. many, many other ways to practice law that don't involve so much pressure.

NP, this, and also, the OP's husband works FT! There is no way in fresh hell I'd agree to doing everything PP thinks this man should do while *also* working FT. Nor should women do it, either, of course, but come on. If her husband can quit, that's one thing, but manage the entire household while working FT, all so his wife can continue in an absurdly unsustainable industry? No. Find the middle ground. That ain't it.

[Anonymous]

But OP the overall message is hang in there, you are not alone, this is incredibly tough, biglaw and really life with a baby in any career is no joke, and yes, you can plot a variety of options in both your personal and professional life going forward. Having it all is a lie that people love to sell and don’t trust anyone who claims otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but as a lawyer mom who's been in private practice for a long time I think you need to lateral to another firm. Perhaps finding a niche in your practice area that is less demanding? But there are firms, even in big law, where you'll have more understanding partners and fellow associates not gunning for you because they see a new mom as an easy target. You just have to find a better fit.

Also, you are in the worst of it now with the sleep deprivation and needy baby stage. It will be easier to find balance as the baby gets older, though never the same!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can afford to quit. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. Most Biglaw moms quit, so you may as well get started!

She asked for people to avoid snark. Your response is really bitchy and not helpful. Good way to keep women down! We don't really need any help in that regard.

[Anonymous]

OP --- do you or your spouse have any family in the area? We did not and it was really hard. If you do -- great. If not, do you have an au pair/nanny and housekeeper? Try to contract out every task that you can. Sleep depro is the hardest thing. It too shall pass. I understand your student debt issue. Work hard to pay it down so that you can have other life choices such as working in-house, at a trade association or fed. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I haven't read through all of the responses but OP, know it gets easier! You are in the most difficult time right now. It gets easier both as your child gets older and you also have more seniority. I echo some of the pp's suggestions that your DH should be picking up 2-3 days a week from daycare. Also, can you outsource some of the housework and/or meal prep he does now in order to have him be able to be more available for the baby? Get a cleaning service if you don't have one and maybe he can look into some of the meal prep companies, etc.

Also, I'm not knocking the convenience of a nanny but just something to consider on the plus side for daycare is that they rarely close and while individual staff members may quit, you don't have to manage the hiring, firing, performance, employee issues, etc. etc. With only one kid day care it is a hell of a lot cheaper than a good nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an older mom - we all thought we were breaking ground in getting the ability to work part-time in law. It was unheard of at the time. But now it seems like the young lawyer moms don’t really want to take that path, which is a little disappointing. The long hours in law really only started after women entered the profession, and part-time isn’t really part-time in the law anyways.

I went to 60% with first-born, then increased to 80% about a year after third-born was born. Now I work in-house, full-time. I will never regret taking that time with my kids.

The law is a grind - a marathon, not a sprint. Remember that as you make your decisions. Your heart will tell you the right thing to do.

You're disappointed that women aren't going part time - that they decided the solution that worked for you doesn't work for them?

That's pretty self-involved, even for a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

They don't. Something has to give. It will either be your health, your marriage, your child being neglected, or your job and you will be forced out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a garbage industry biglaw. There is zero reason it has to be this way.

What does that mean? If you want to make biglaw money, you have to do biglaw work. And no, it doesn't have to be that way, but OP made the choice to go into biglaw versus something that pays less. You can't have it both ways.