17 year old son planning on tricking us to spend night with gf -gf’s parents away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters citing concerns about statutory rape are almost certainly misguided. First, in many, if not most, states a 16 year old has reached the age of consent. Second, many states require there to be a significant age gap even if one party has not reached the broader age of consent. A 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old would not realistically face legal consequences for consensual behavior.

This is not true. Don't you watch the news?

NP I think that when you look in to it, you will see that pp is right. In most states this would be a non issue. I can't speak for all states but I can't name even one where this would be a problem. But you can read up on it and let us know which state this would be a problem in.

Any state where mom and dad catch her and she says something went on with an older boy that she didn’t consent to. He doesn’t have to be convicted of anything for there to be problems. He just needs her parents to make a stink. I’m very feminist but really surprised more parents of sons aren’t concerned about Me Too in 2019 and talking to their kids about protecting themselves from “misunderstandings”. We are past “boys will be boys” in 2019.

Sorry. It could get ugly, but if the girl is 16 and the boy is 18 it is not illegal. And since the daughter willingly let him in, it isn't any kind of trespassing either. It's just arguably bad decision making or poor morals (I don't necessarily agree with this) and something to fight about.

Right. And you really don’t want a kid in the process of applying to college in the middle of ugly. I personally want better for my kids than “ugly but not in jail”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters citing concerns about statutory rape are almost certainly misguided. First, in many, if not most, states a 16 year old has reached the age of consent. Second, many states require there to be a significant age gap even if one party has not reached the broader age of consent. A 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old would not realistically face legal consequences for consensual behavior.

This is not true. Don't you watch the news?

NP I think that when you look in to it, you will see that pp is right. In most states this would be a non issue. I can't speak for all states but I can't name even one where this would be a problem. But you can read up on it and let us know which state this would be a problem in.

Any state where mom and dad catch her and she says something went on with an older boy that she didn’t consent to. He doesn’t have to be convicted of anything for there to be problems. He just needs her parents to make a stink. I’m very feminist but really surprised more parents of sons aren’t concerned about Me Too in 2019 and talking to their kids about protecting themselves from “misunderstandings”. We are past “boys will be boys” in 2019.

But that is a wholly different issue than concerns about statutory rape that started this tangent.

Could a girl, after the fact, claim she didn’t consent? Sure, it is possible. But that wouldn’t be statutory rape and the age of those involved would be irrelevant. Are you going to tell your sons to never have intimate contact because someone could later claim rape?

I’m saying a 17 year old boy spending the night in the home of a 15 year old girl whose parents haven’t consented is a problem waiting to happen. This sounds like a senior and a sophomore. And part of raising kids is helping them make good judgment calls. Even assuming no one can go to jail, is it a good idea? If the girl is caught and what is she going to say? What are her parents going to say? What rumors about your kid get spread through the community?

He is about to be 18. He needs to have a very clear understanding of the social and legal consequences. And he needs to go to college prepared to make smart decisions. Not just legal. Smart.

Is this the 1950s? Do you think two teenagers having sex is going to light up the neighborhood gossip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters citing concerns about statutory rape are almost certainly misguided. First, in many, if not most, states a 16 year old has reached the age of consent. Second, many states require there to be a significant age gap even if one party has not reached the broader age of consent. A 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old would not realistically face legal consequences for consensual behavior.

This is not true. Don't you watch the news?

NP I think that when you look in to it, you will see that pp is right. In most states this would be a non issue. I can't speak for all states but I can't name even one where this would be a problem. But you can read up on it and let us know which state this would be a problem in.

Any state where mom and dad catch her and she says something went on with an older boy that she didn’t consent to. He doesn’t have to be convicted of anything for there to be problems. He just needs her parents to make a stink. I’m very feminist but really surprised more parents of sons aren’t concerned about Me Too in 2019 and talking to their kids about protecting themselves from “misunderstandings”. We are past “boys will be boys” in 2019.

Sorry. It could get ugly, but if the girl is 16 and the boy is 18 it is not illegal. And since the daughter willingly let him in, it isn't any kind of trespassing either. It's just arguably bad decision making or poor morals (I don't necessarily agree with this) and something to fight about.

This is atrocious legal advice.

It's not legal advice. It's saying that in MD/DC/VA there is no law against a 16 yo and 18 yo having consensual sex. If you are paranoid about someone crying "rape" that is another issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters citing concerns about statutory rape are almost certainly misguided. First, in many, if not most, states a 16 year old has reached the age of consent. Second, many states require there to be a significant age gap even if one party has not reached the broader age of consent. A 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old would not realistically face legal consequences for consensual behavior.

This is not true. Don't you watch the news?

NP I think that when you look in to it, you will see that pp is right. In most states this would be a non issue. I can't speak for all states but I can't name even one where this would be a problem. But you can read up on it and let us know which state this would be a problem in.

Any state where mom and dad catch her and she says something went on with an older boy that she didn’t consent to. He doesn’t have to be convicted of anything for there to be problems. He just needs her parents to make a stink. I’m very feminist but really surprised more parents of sons aren’t concerned about Me Too in 2019 and talking to their kids about protecting themselves from “misunderstandings”. We are past “boys will be boys” in 2019.

Sorry. It could get ugly, but if the girl is 16 and the boy is 18 it is not illegal. And since the daughter willingly let him in, it isn't any kind of trespassing either. It's just arguably bad decision making or poor morals (I don't necessarily agree with this) and something to fight about.

Right. And you really don’t want a kid in the process of applying to college in the middle of ugly. I personally want better for my kids than “ugly but not in jail”.

Please explain how this sort of “ugly” could affect college? A college, except maybe some very religious organizations, are not going to care about consensual sex between high school students, no matter how sharpened the parents’ pitchforks may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters citing concerns about statutory rape are almost certainly misguided. First, in many, if not most, states a 16 year old has reached the age of consent. Second, many states require there to be a significant age gap even if one party has not reached the broader age of consent. A 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old would not realistically face legal consequences for consensual behavior.

This is not true. Don't you watch the news?

NP I think that when you look in to it, you will see that pp is right. In most states this would be a non issue. I can't speak for all states but I can't name even one where this would be a problem. But you can read up on it and let us know which state this would be a problem in.

Any state where mom and dad catch her and she says something went on with an older boy that she didn’t consent to. He doesn’t have to be convicted of anything for there to be problems. He just needs her parents to make a stink. I’m very feminist but really surprised more parents of sons aren’t concerned about Me Too in 2019 and talking to their kids about protecting themselves from “misunderstandings”. We are past “boys will be boys” in 2019.

Sorry. It could get ugly, but if the girl is 16 and the boy is 18 it is not illegal. And since the daughter willingly let him in, it isn't any kind of trespassing either. It's just arguably bad decision making or poor morals (I don't necessarily agree with this) and something to fight about.

Right. And you really don’t want a kid in the process of applying to college in the middle of ugly. I personally want better for my kids than “ugly but not in jail”.

I guess, but why are you going there? It would be so incredibly unusual for a 16 yo girlfriend to accuse her boyfriend of intrusion and rape when her parents are out of town, and if it escalated to anything legal there would be texts and observations to back up the fact that they are in a relationship and had plans to sleep over. I mean, again, I guess this is possible, but you're making a big big jump. By this logic anyone at any time could accuse your kid of rape...better not let him out of the house!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was one of the posters with a son and daughter that mentioned statutory rape and really don’t care if it’s technically legal or not. I was thinking of DH and my reaction if we found out our teen daughter had her older BF sleep over when we were gone. Sure, maybe it wouldn’t be illegal but we’d try to make his life hell and hers. That’s what we’d be warning our son about. Angry parents.

I don’t know what we would do in your situation but I admire how calm you are being. I’m following for advice if we end up in a similar situation someday.

You can make your daughter’s life hell if you wish. But if you tried to make his hell for an entirely legal act, you would be the one facing charges for harassment.

Cool. One parents says an older boy took advantage of his DD. Another parent says his DS is being harassed and the slut wanted it. How do you think this plays out if the kids are in the same social circle or school?

Just because something is technically legal does not make it a good idea.

In that case, DD’s parents would be viewed as whack jobs for harassing a kid (and viewing any sexual activity by DD has “taking advantage of” and they could face actual legal jeopardy because what they would be doing is illegal. And DS’s parents wouldn’t say she was a slut and it is twisted of you to look at it this way.

You seem to have significant hang ups with female sexuality.

Nope. I have a 15 year old DD. And a 17 year old senior DS. I know how I would feel and my DD’s friends parents would feel if this happened. A 15 year old girl with a boy two years older is different than a 20 year old year old girl in college. Or even a 17 year old girl.

[Anonymous]

1) Where is the husband/dad in all this? Parents must present a united front
2) I can't believe that late curfew
3) She JUST turned 16? He is going off to college in 2020?
4) No paying for grad school
5) He needs to get a job
6) Family obligations should come first when there is such limited time left together before he leaves for college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters citing concerns about statutory rape are almost certainly misguided. First, in many, if not most, states a 16 year old has reached the age of consent. Second, many states require there to be a significant age gap even if one party has not reached the broader age of consent. A 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old would not realistically face legal consequences for consensual behavior.

This is not true. Don't you watch the news?

NP I think that when you look in to it, you will see that pp is right. In most states this would be a non issue. I can't speak for all states but I can't name even one where this would be a problem. But you can read up on it and let us know which state this would be a problem in.

Any state where mom and dad catch her and she says something went on with an older boy that she didn’t consent to. He doesn’t have to be convicted of anything for there to be problems. He just needs her parents to make a stink. I’m very feminist but really surprised more parents of sons aren’t concerned about Me Too in 2019 and talking to their kids about protecting themselves from “misunderstandings”. We are past “boys will be boys” in 2019.

Sorry. It could get ugly, but if the girl is 16 and the boy is 18 it is not illegal. And since the daughter willingly let him in, it isn't any kind of trespassing either. It's just arguably bad decision making or poor morals (I don't necessarily agree with this) and something to fight about.

Right. And you really don’t want a kid in the process of applying to college in the middle of ugly. I personally want better for my kids than “ugly but not in jail”.

Please explain how this sort of “ugly” could affect college? A college, except maybe some very religious organizations, are not going to care about consensual sex between high school students, no matter how sharpened the parents’ pitchforks may be.

Ask the parents at Sidwell.

[Anonymous]

What about possible pregnancy? If I were the girl’s parent I would want to know? Where is DH in all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I came home. I will taken the car keys and his card for lying and ignoring texts for 2 weeks and I will ground him for NYE.

This is just one of many things he’s done in the past 6 months that have confounded us and this is not the worst. I want to maintain my relationship with him but it’s not too late to teach him to respect rules while he’s under our roof and while we will be paying almost $60k per year in tuition (plus goodness knows for room and board and living) for the next 4 years for him plus whatever post grad will be. I think he’s had life too easy.
It’s sad because he really has been such a good boy until now and an excellent scholar. I don’t know what’s become of him but it’s not good. He just does not seem to care about anything anymore. It’s so unlike him that I just don’t know how to deal with it. How do you start imposing consequences at 17?
I don’t know. I know I sound over emotional but the extent to which his behavior has changed, even though it may not seem that terrible to most people (no drugs and such) , is really marked.

If you really feel he is entitled. Skip paying for Graduate School. Nothing wrong with him having some skin in the game. Not to mention he will own it. Also, he should have a job in college starting junior year at least. Time management skills are important and at $60,000 with not being grateful he should participate in the financial portion. It's a great life lesson. And a leg up when he graduates.

Get him condoms. Yes, many won't agree with this, but being proactive in this situation might be a good idea.

He's not that at typical for a 17 year old boy trying to grow up under house rules. Which you should have not disagreeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the GF family is going away and leaving their 17 yo DD home alone when they know she has a boyfriend around? Presumably they're okay with them having sex...clearly that's gonna happen.

The lying and disrespect is the issue...of course maybe that's a reaction to OPs intense helicoptering here.

Just for the record in one of the posts OP said she thinks the girlfriend was supposed to stay at a friends, so that is likely what her parents thought was happening. Teens are very good at getting away with things like this. I had a situation like this - my parents made me stay at a family friends while they were away for the weekend, but I somehow convinced the family friends I had to be home early on the final day and had them drop me off early sunday morning and then my boyfriend came over for the day and did plenty of things parents would not have been pleased about. Parents likely didn't just leave her there.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing ethical or moral about these kids' choices. It is not okay to lie to both sets of parents and betray their trust. Teenagers are not adults. In my experience, parents who continue parenting their children until they leave home have the best outcomes and the most well-adjusted adult children. I've told my kids I will continue parenting them until they leave for college. My rules, not theirs.

Are these kids ready to raise a baby, or live for the rest of their lives with the decision to have an abortion? If not, no sex. That's my rule.

[Anonymous]

OP when you wrote this

"I fear I will come across as a maniac"

I thought there may be hope for you.

He is having sex with this girl and will continue to have sex with girls.

The rule about coming home, is ludicrous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters citing concerns about statutory rape are almost certainly misguided. First, in many, if not most, states a 16 year old has reached the age of consent. Second, many states require there to be a significant age gap even if one party has not reached the broader age of consent. A 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old would not realistically face legal consequences for consensual behavior.

This is not true. Don't you watch the news?

NP I think that when you look in to it, you will see that pp is right. In most states this would be a non issue. I can't speak for all states but I can't name even one where this would be a problem. But you can read up on it and let us know which state this would be a problem in.

Any state where mom and dad catch her and she says something went on with an older boy that she didn’t consent to. He doesn’t have to be convicted of anything for there to be problems. He just needs her parents to make a stink. I’m very feminist but really surprised more parents of sons aren’t concerned about Me Too in 2019 and talking to their kids about protecting themselves from “misunderstandings”. We are past “boys will be boys” in 2019.

Sorry. It could get ugly, but if the girl is 16 and the boy is 18 it is not illegal. And since the daughter willingly let him in, it isn't any kind of trespassing either. It's just arguably bad decision making or poor morals (I don't necessarily agree with this) and something to fight about.

This is atrocious legal advice.

It's not legal advice. It's saying that in MD/DC/VA there is no law against a 16 yo and 18 yo having consensual sex. If you are paranoid about someone crying "rape" that is another issue.

You're just wrong about this.

https://law.lis.virginia.gov/vacode/title18.2/chapter8/section18.2-371/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP when you wrote this

"I fear I will come across as a maniac"

I thought there may be hope for you.

He is having sex with this girl and will continue to have sex with girls.

The rule about coming home, is ludicrous.

This post is from a man, for sure, but it's an eye-opener. I guess you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.