How do resolve - husband I disagree over childcare

[Anonymous]

I suspect you are the same poster whose DH moved his mom in. He sounds charming.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, OP, you were not going to get a good response on DCUM. Just know that.

We have a similar HHI, and are in the opposite situation: DH wants us to hire a full time nanny (I’m expecting #3 and SAH), and it’s not what I want. Mostly because we did have someone come 20ish hours a week for #2 and I felt like the nanny got good baby time while I took care of crap around the house, and I hated it.

You are not at all wrong for wanting to spend the money you have to make life easier, and my DH wants it for us because he knows that if I’m happy and not stressed, our whole family does better. BUT I’ve asserted (and DH is fine with this) that is rather have a 20 hour a week nanny and a 15-20 hour a week housekeeper (we previously just had weekly cleaners) who will do laundry, dishes, and odd tasks.

Perhaps your DH would be more open to hiring someone to do drudgery work, and a half-time nanny?

Regardless, I hate the responses of other PPs here who largely don’t know what it’s like to have a 750k+ income, or are just haters. Yes, a SAHM can survive without any of the help you are looking for - but at that income it’s ridiculous to just survive, you pay for luxuries, and the luxury you want is totally reasonable and would absolutely help both you and DH (and your older child).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, OP, you were not going to get a good response on DCUM. Just know that.

We have a similar HHI, and are in the opposite situation: DH wants us to hire a full time nanny (I’m expecting #3 and SAH), and it’s not what I want. Mostly because we did have someone come 20ish hours a week for #2 and I felt like the nanny got good baby time while I took care of crap around the house, and I hated it.

You are not at all wrong for wanting to spend the money you have to make life easier, and my DH wants it for us because he knows that if I’m happy and not stressed, our whole family does better. BUT I’ve asserted (and DH is fine with this) that is rather have a 20 hour a week nanny and a 15-20 hour a week housekeeper (we previously just had weekly cleaners) who will do laundry, dishes, and odd tasks.

Perhaps your DH would be more open to hiring someone to do drudgery work, and a half-time nanny?

Regardless, I hate the responses of other PPs here who largely don’t know what it’s like to have a 750k+ income, or are just haters. Yes, a SAHM can survive without any of the help you are looking for - but at that income it’s ridiculous to just survive, you pay for luxuries, and the luxury you want is totally reasonable and would absolutely help both you and DH (and your older child).

Some of us are just as rich and much less lazy. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

I feel like OP's wanting 24/7 care for the first three months, plus saying she was pressured into having the second so soon, plus being worried she won't have 1 on 1 time with older DD -- all this shows me she's anxious about the change, not lazy. OP I think it's crap that you are having a kid before you're ready, but I think you'll fall in love with the little guy as soon as he's here. If not, stay on top of it and take the PPD quizzes to make sure you're taking care of yourself and getting any help you need.

As to the baby nurse, I think it sounds like a good deal but he's drawn a line in the sand for whatever reason. Can you think of a compromise that would still help you? A friend used a post-partum doula for the first 3 months after her second, and it was very helpful because the doula takes care of mom, and mom takes care of the kids. So she did light cleaning, cooking, laundry, and was an extra set of hands, but she had lots of childcare expertise (I think she was also an LC?).

Or could you get a night nurse 3-4 times a week? Getting regular sleep will help you more than almost anything else, especially if dad is not hands-on.

Definitely move the cleaners to twice a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, OP, you were not going to get a good response on DCUM. Just know that.

We have a similar HHI, and are in the opposite situation: DH wants us to hire a full time nanny (I’m expecting #3 and SAH), and it’s not what I want. Mostly because we did have someone come 20ish hours a week for #2 and I felt like the nanny got good baby time while I took care of crap around the house, and I hated it.

You are not at all wrong for wanting to spend the money you have to make life easier, and my DH wants it for us because he knows that if I’m happy and not stressed, our whole family does better. BUT I’ve asserted (and DH is fine with this) that is rather have a 20 hour a week nanny and a 15-20 hour a week housekeeper (we previously just had weekly cleaners) who will do laundry, dishes, and odd tasks.

Perhaps your DH would be more open to hiring someone to do drudgery work, and a half-time nanny?

Regardless, I hate the responses of other PPs here who largely don’t know what it’s like to have a 750k+ income, or are just haters. Yes, a SAHM can survive without any of the help you are looking for - but at that income it’s ridiculous to just survive, you pay for luxuries, and the luxury you want is totally reasonable and would absolutely help both you and DH (and your older child).

Some of us are just as rich and much less lazy. YMMV.

Actually, you are missing out! I was amazed how much hiring a housekeeper opened up time and space and energy for me to spend even more time just sitting and reading with my kids, hang out on the floor and play, etc. DH comes home for dinner and bedtime, and after kids are asleep we just sit and talk, or watch tv together, or have sex. We spend one afternoon each weekend doing some chores together that can't be outsourced (or we don't want to outsource) and our daily life is so much more pleasant.

It's not like I have someone following me around the house all the time - there's still plenty of lunches to prepare and dishes to do and toys to put away. But what a relief to not be a slave to housework!

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is wrong for wanting as much help as possible, but I think she might be disappointed if she has a 24/7 nanny and only weekly housecleaning! She needs a combination of a night nurse, a day nanny, a housekeeper, and ideally someone else to prepare meals (like delivered meal service, or chef that comes to your home once a week and prepares 4 days of food at once). Honestly, OP, my advice is to make sure you outsource the drudgery and not the fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP is wrong for wanting as much help as possible, but I think she might be disappointed if she has a 24/7 nanny and only weekly housecleaning! She needs a combination of a night nurse, a day nanny, a housekeeper, and ideally someone else to prepare meals (like delivered meal service, or chef that comes to your home once a week and prepares 4 days of food at once). Honestly, OP, my advice is to make sure you outsource the drudgery and not the fun.

Serious question - what would you even do during the day with this level of help as a SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are just used to a rich lifestyle of having someone else do all the work at home and your husband is getting annoyed. He does work himself all day and so the idea that you can't look after the kids and need to outsource childcare despite being at home is frustrating.

99% of parents at home with their kids don't have nannies or night nurses to provide the child care while they come and go as they please.

I think this is a difference in values more than anything. You say your husband works 10-12 hours a day and that work is the financial income you live off of but you don't seem to really want to contribute anything back to the household. You want a carefree life of leisure while others are paid to do all the work. I doubt you cook or clean or do much around the house either - likely that is all outsourced as well.

Are you much younger than your DH? Did you see marrying him and his money as a golden ticket to a life of no work?

Since you don't want to look after the kids, you should get a job and use that money to pay the childcare costs.

Please explain why you think someone who's legitimately rich should live as if they're poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP is wrong for wanting as much help as possible, but I think she might be disappointed if she has a 24/7 nanny and only weekly housecleaning! She needs a combination of a night nurse, a day nanny, a housekeeper, and ideally someone else to prepare meals (like delivered meal service, or chef that comes to your home once a week and prepares 4 days of food at once). Honestly, OP, my advice is to make sure you outsource the drudgery and not the fun.

Serious question - what would you even do during the day with this level of help as a SAH?

I'm not a SAHM, but I imagine I'd go to the park with DC1, story time at the library with both without worrying about getting dinner started, nap with the baby for one nap and know older DC was safe and occupied, read books and play pretend, take a shower every day, I can think of plenty of ways to fill the day without doing cleaning or cooking or being awake all night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think hiring a night nurse is a sensible compromise. Having 24/7 care for three months probably means hiring three or four baby nurses to cover, which seems excessive.

OP here. I want someone there during the day too so I can spend one on one time with my toddler and not disrupt her routine, etc.

Basically it would allow me to come and go as needed.

I know it is expensive but it'll make the transition so much easier. We can afford it so I don't see what the issue is.

I would really think this through. It seems as if you are just putting off the transition for your toddler. You need to just go to your normal routine from day 1. Take the help at night so you are rested if needed, but I don’t think you’re being logical about this. It’s not a financial issue - all of my friends and I could easily afford that but only one did and it was an awful transition for her toddler once the 24/7 care was gone. To this day her older kids resent her younger ones.

What? And pretend the baby is not there? Like, if the baby wants to be on the boob for 30 minutes (completely normal for newborns), she should just continue her "normal routine" and the baby should deal? Or if the baby is colicky or has a crying jag or has a blowout or whatever other typical baby nonsense? Look, when you have a newborn, everyone in the house, to an extent, arranges their life around the newborn. Adults have trouble with that sometime, and it's completely dumb to expect that the "normal routine" for the needy toddler won't change at all once the newborn is added to the mix.

And let's not even start about doing the "normal routine" with the toddler when you're sleep deprived and can barely hold yourself upright?

I swear, sometimes the women here are just either martyrs or oblivious or outright sadists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a breadwinner mom. Like your DH I have to work long hours to earn the money that affords us a nice lifestyle. Like your DH, I earn good money (though less than your DH), but not quit my job type wealth. I imagine your DH has no choice but to work, and you clearly have no interest in leading a frugal lifestyle to allow him to retire earlier. If my DH stayed home and demanded 24/7 help with two healthy children (plus weekly paid housecleaning), I would have no respect for him, and would wonder what exactly he was contributing to our household. I have 4 kids, and have experienced having a baby + toddler (plus older kids!). It is not always easy, but it does not require 24/7 help - you are not caring for someone with cancer. And your DH does not do “nothing” - he pays for every single thing you have. Talk to a single mom if you want to understand what it means to have a dad who does “nothing”. Some help is reasonable, but that level of help is not fair, given that your DH has to work to earn that money. If he was a billionaire who works for fun, sure, hire someone to wipe your butt. But you are not that rich. And LOL that people on DCUM are so out of touch they consider caring for two kids “being a martyr”. In most of the USA and world, not having to work outside the home and caring for only 2 kids while having a weekly housecleaner (plus a $750k lifestyle) would be considered living in the lap of luxury.

I come from the "most of the world" part where caring for two young kids with no help is the standard. Let me be the first to tell you that the standard of care in these situations is "at the end of the day the kids are alive and not hungry."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP is wrong for wanting as much help as possible, but I think she might be disappointed if she has a 24/7 nanny and only weekly housecleaning! She needs a combination of a night nurse, a day nanny, a housekeeper, and ideally someone else to prepare meals (like delivered meal service, or chef that comes to your home once a week and prepares 4 days of food at once). Honestly, OP, my advice is to make sure you outsource the drudgery and not the fun.

Serious question - what would you even do during the day with this level of help as a SAH?

I'm the PP, and I should have clarified that I didn't mean a full-time housekeeper and full-time day nanny (or even a night nurse 7 days a week), but together their labor would equal a full-time job.

My oldest is in school until 3 pm (easy), and we have a 3 year old who is in preschool 3 mornings a week until noon, and a baby. Housekeeper comes two days a week so on those days I can leave out breakfast dishes, leave beds unmade, etc, and she'll come and do laundry and clean. Part-time nanny comes two days a week (sometimes three), so I can take 3 year old out to park and lunch one-on-one while baby is at home, or stay at home with baby and relax while 3 year old goes out to activity with nanny. She will also clean up while I'm breastfeeding, or go get 3 year old from preschool if my youngest has been fussy and we need extra sleep. In the afternoon the nanny helps on those days kids have afternoon activities (soccer, music lesson, etc) so I don't have to drag all three kids to these things, and more recently so 3 year old can do ballet while 5 year old has soccer. Honestly I'm almost always WITH at least one child, usually two, when the nanny is around, though I try to take one afternoon a week to be alone, and DH and I have date night one a week as well. The days the nanny isn't here I take baby and 3 year old to pick up 5 year old from school and we all come home together and have snack and play outside with the neighbors or just hang out. I love those days but they are tiring and don't allow for much one-on-one time, and there are infinite scheduling conflicts between kids activities and doctor's appointments for them and me, so the additional help is much appreciated.

The delivered food is awesome but I actually love cooking and will certainly return to it when baby is older.

As other PPs have said, women used to have entire communities available to help them - they would trade childcare with the neighbors to go to the doctors, and older generations of women would help cook and clean. That just doesn't exist anymore. Yes, I can SAH with 3 kids and be just fine handling it all on my own - but it's back breaking work and it's much more enjoyable, and the kids get more opportunities and outings and one-on-one time when there's help involved. I could easily take advantage of the help we have and spend my days doing nothing but shopping and going to the gym (and sometimes I think I should do both of those more) but I really enjoy being with my kids - I just don't need to be with all 3 all the time, while I cook and clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are just used to a rich lifestyle of having someone else do all the work at home and your husband is getting annoyed. He does work himself all day and so the idea that you can't look after the kids and need to outsource childcare despite being at home is frustrating.

99% of parents at home with their kids don't have nannies or night nurses to provide the child care while they come and go as they please.

I think this is a difference in values more than anything. You say your husband works 10-12 hours a day and that work is the financial income you live off of but you don't seem to really want to contribute anything back to the household. You want a carefree life of leisure while others are paid to do all the work. I doubt you cook or clean or do much around the house either - likely that is all outsourced as well.

Are you much younger than your DH? Did you see marrying him and his money as a golden ticket to a life of no work?

Since you don't want to look after the kids, you should get a job and use that money to pay the childcare costs.

Please explain why you think someone who's legitimately rich should live as if they're poor.

Not everyone, including Ops DH thinks that being rich means you outsourced your SAHM role. It isn't only the poors who raise their own kids. Your idea that rich means you outsource everything isn't the case. OPs DH hasn't outsourced his work - he still has to go and work hard and make this money they have to be rich. It isn't an inheritance and trust fund where he also just plays all day with no responsibilities. I get that OP didn't want this baby and therefore is resentful that she might have to provide some childcare but that is where OP and DH are not on the same page. He sees her as also being a contributing member of the household and having responsibilities despite the money he earns while working all the time. Op sees her role was just to birth the children and then step away and hire people to do the rest. There are many rich people who still work and have responsibilities and raise their own kids and contribute either financially or through work at home - your view that only the poors do this is strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, OP, you were not going to get a good response on DCUM. Just know that.

We have a similar HHI, and are in the opposite situation: DH wants us to hire a full time nanny (I’m expecting #3 and SAH), and it’s not what I want. Mostly because we did have someone come 20ish hours a week for #2 and I felt like the nanny got good baby time while I took care of crap around the house, and I hated it.

You are not at all wrong for wanting to spend the money you have to make life easier, and my DH wants it for us because he knows that if I’m happy and not stressed, our whole family does better. BUT I’ve asserted (and DH is fine with this) that is rather have a 20 hour a week nanny and a 15-20 hour a week housekeeper (we previously just had weekly cleaners) who will do laundry, dishes, and odd tasks.

Perhaps your DH would be more open to hiring someone to do drudgery work, and a half-time nanny?

Regardless, I hate the responses of other PPs here who largely don’t know what it’s like to have a 750k+ income, or are just haters. Yes, a SAHM can survive without any of the help you are looking for - but at that income it’s ridiculous to just survive, you pay for luxuries, and the luxury you want is totally reasonable and would absolutely help both you and DH (and your older child).

I think you're doing it exactly right. If I was in your situation, the only thing I might possibly NOT want to outsource is cooking, and only because I enjoy it. Otherwise, I won't miss the cleaning, the laundry, the scrubbing, the folding and the constant, never-ending pickup!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are just used to a rich lifestyle of having someone else do all the work at home and your husband is getting annoyed. He does work himself all day and so the idea that you can't look after the kids and need to outsource childcare despite being at home is frustrating.

99% of parents at home with their kids don't have nannies or night nurses to provide the child care while they come and go as they please.

I think this is a difference in values more than anything. You say your husband works 10-12 hours a day and that work is the financial income you live off of but you don't seem to really want to contribute anything back to the household. You want a carefree life of leisure while others are paid to do all the work. I doubt you cook or clean or do much around the house either - likely that is all outsourced as well.

Are you much younger than your DH? Did you see marrying him and his money as a golden ticket to a life of no work?

Since you don't want to look after the kids, you should get a job and use that money to pay the childcare costs.

Please explain why you think someone who's legitimately rich should live as if they're poor.

Not everyone, including Ops DH thinks that being rich means you outsourced your SAHM role. It isn't only the poors who raise their own kids. Your idea that rich means you outsource everything isn't the case. OPs DH hasn't outsourced his work - he still has to go and work hard and make this money they have to be rich. It isn't an inheritance and trust fund where he also just plays all day with no responsibilities. I get that OP didn't want this baby and therefore is resentful that she might have to provide some childcare but that is where OP and DH are not on the same page. He sees her as also being a contributing member of the household and having responsibilities despite the money he earns while working all the time. Op sees her role was just to birth the children and then step away and hire people to do the rest. There are many rich people who still work and have responsibilities and raise their own kids and contribute either financially or through work at home - your view that only the poors do this is strange.

First, OP's DH has presumably outsourced his cleaning, laundry, cooking and every other thing that isn't work.

Second, OP doesn't say she wants to outsource EVERYTHING. She cares for her toddler now and she said nothing about nannies or daycare so let's assume she's doing 100% of the childcare for the older child. She wants to spend time with her toddler and she wants to have a good night's sleep once in a while. She says she has cleaners but she didn't say she has cooks or laundresses or drivers or personal errand-runners. At this income level, having help is completely normal. Newborns are needy even if healthy. I never had a toddler AND a newborn at home but if I did, you bet I'd have help. Actually what I would do is have the toddler in 100% daycare before the newborn arrives.