My husband always lets us down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have anyone else locally for support? Totally on your side re difficulties with your DH, but since his issues are a given for now, are there reliable friends or family you can call on? It does even a sad and frustrated heart good to be able to feel heard and cared about by someone. Mom friends night out? Zoo outing with dc & a cousin?

It won’t fix your marriage problems, but it will help you survive while you figure them out.

OP here. Well I took your advice and checked myself into a hotel 2 hours away. I actually went yesterday and got back tonight. It was fun and relaxing! I went to McGaheysville. I took the car but I also took my son with me. He loved the water park.

Great. So your husband, the one you complained about not wanting family time, didn’t have to have any family time.
Taking your son to check into a hotel was NOT the advice given here. Not at all. It’s interesting how you can’t see that.

OP here. Are you always this bossy? Jeez. Not sure why I waste my time on here.

NP here. Pp is right. Punishing DH is not going to solve anything. But you seem to have given up. I’d get out now and don’t have any more kids.

My husband has friends. They picked him up for soccer on Sunday. Dh got the weekend off. I hardly see this as a punishment. I did something nice for ME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s husband is an unbelievable jerk. It’s hard to even imagine being married to that. Of course I would have lost my temper a billion times if he did that stuff regularly and I guess we wouldn’t have stayed together. Is there anything you like about him OP? Why’d you marry him? Why are you not yelling at him whenever he does this stuff? I tell my husband immediately whenever I’m unhappy about something. Gah he sounds insufferable.

She must like something about him if she has gotten herself pregnant 2x by him, once fairly recently.

OP here. I really love my husband. I am very attracted to him. We have a great sex life. We both have flexible jobs. We have a house and a nice car. I know people are hung up on us only having 1 car but it's not because we cannot afford a second car. People choose to have 1 car and take public transportation. We live in the DC area after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, ima be an asshole. But why do you ladies keep making more babies with lazy partners? I was team OP until I saw that you were pregnant, again. How in the hell do you think things will improve? Sheesh.

I’m betting you’re single, no kids. And I’m not OP or in her situation at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, ima be an asshole. But why do you ladies keep making more babies with lazy partners? I was team OP until I saw that you were pregnant, again. How in the hell do you think things will improve? Sheesh.

I’m betting you’re single, no kids. And I’m not OP or in her situation at all.

Her marital status has nothing to do with an obvious problem. Seriously, why would a woman with a job, and an education continue to have children by a man that is worthless? If she is abused, that's another issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s husband is an unbelievable jerk. It’s hard to even imagine being married to that. Of course I would have lost my temper a billion times if he did that stuff regularly and I guess we wouldn’t have stayed together. Is there anything you like about him OP? Why’d you marry him? Why are you not yelling at him whenever he does this stuff? I tell my husband immediately whenever I’m unhappy about something. Gah he sounds insufferable.

She must like something about him if she has gotten herself pregnant 2x by him, once fairly recently.

OP here. I really love my husband. I am very attracted to him. We have a great sex life. We both have flexible jobs. We have a house and a nice car. I know people are hung up on us only having 1 car but it's not because we cannot afford a second car. People choose to have 1 car and take public transportation. We live in the DC area after all.

Honest question -- why do you love him if he is so thoughtless towards you and leaves you out of things and doesn't want to spend time with you. I asking why you love him, not why you are sexually attracted to him or enjoy sex with him.

It took me a long time to grow up to realize that love is a choice that is built on top of attraction and compatibility. I may be attracted to and compatible with someone but if they aren't kind and supportive of me then I can choose not to allow love to grow or to stop loving them. Loving someone who isn't respectful and helpful to me is not in my long-term interests (nor in the long term interests of my kids.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have anyone else locally for support? Totally on your side re difficulties with your DH, but since his issues are a given for now, are there reliable friends or family you can call on? It does even a sad and frustrated heart good to be able to feel heard and cared about by someone. Mom friends night out? Zoo outing with dc & a cousin?

It won’t fix your marriage problems, but it will help you survive while you figure them out.

OP here. Well I took your advice and checked myself into a hotel 2 hours away. I actually went yesterday and got back tonight. It was fun and relaxing! I went to McGaheysville. I took the car but I also took my son with me. He loved the water park.

How does that help your marriage?

OP here. It helped me relax. Fixing my marriage is not going happen overnight or this weekend. My husband was planning on taking the car again on Sunday so he could go to soccer for 5 hours.

Is teaching soccer his job? I don’t understand why he is doing that if it’s not your child’s team and not your job. Also, are you sure he’s at soccer? I usually roll my eyes when people jump to affairs, but that’s a lot of time gone on a random pursuit.

OP here. No. The soccer he went to on Sunday was a league he's in. It can easily last all day. I usually drop him off at the game so I don't think he's going anywhere else. I guess that's the perk of having one car.

Not that this confirms cheating but you know Lyft and Uber pick up everywhere, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s husband is an unbelievable jerk. It’s hard to even imagine being married to that. Of course I would have lost my temper a billion times if he did that stuff regularly and I guess we wouldn’t have stayed together. Is there anything you like about him OP? Why’d you marry him? Why are you not yelling at him whenever he does this stuff? I tell my husband immediately whenever I’m unhappy about something. Gah he sounds insufferable.

She must like something about him if she has gotten herself pregnant 2x by him, once fairly recently.

OP here. I really love my husband. I am very attracted to him. We have a great sex life. We both have flexible jobs. We have a house and a nice car. I know people are hung up on us only having 1 car but it's not because we cannot afford a second car. People choose to have 1 car and take public transportation. We live in the DC area after all.

Honest question -- why do you love him if he is so thoughtless towards you and leaves you out of things and doesn't want to spend time with you. I asking why you love him, not why you are sexually attracted to him or enjoy sex with him.

It took me a long time to grow up to realize that love is a choice that is built on top of attraction and compatibility. I may be attracted to and compatible with someone but if they aren't kind and supportive of me then I can choose not to allow love to grow or to stop loving them. Loving someone who isn't respectful and helpful to me is not in my long-term interests (nor in the long term interests of my kids.)

OP here. You're absolutely right. Thank you for sharing this with me.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are both crunched for time.

No. He's just disrespectful. It will be 1 or 1:30 pm before he finishes things with his friends. That's exactly when ds should be taking a nap. He plans things as if he's single but he's not anymore.

Can’t you go after the nap? Honestly if nap is at 1:30 and you don’t live close to the zoo, you didn’t have time for the zoo before nap time anyway.

I get that it sucks. I’m married to someone like that too. And I used to be rigid. But like PP said, I chose happiness so I fixed what I could control - which was my rigidity and my expectations.

His nap can be pushed back to 3 pm. He won't take a nap unless we take him on an outing. If it were really 15 minutes it would be NO BIG DEAL but DH never comes back when he says he will. I also don't understand WHY he needs to veiw the house. His friends already bought it. We will eventually see it.

What? What kind of nonsense is that? You sound like a pushover if your husband announces what you are doing (do you only have one car? why is he dropping you off at the mall?) and your kid won't nap unless they have a prior activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are both crunched for time.

No. He's just disrespectful. It will be 1 or 1:30 pm before he finishes things with his friends. That's exactly when ds should be taking a nap. He plans things as if he's single but he's not anymore.

Can’t you go after the nap? Honestly if nap is at 1:30 and you don’t live close to the zoo, you didn’t have time for the zoo before nap time anyway.

I get that it sucks. I’m married to someone like that too. And I used to be rigid. But like PP said, I chose happiness so I fixed what I could control - which was my rigidity and my expectations.

I am sorry but no because I feel disrespected when he does this. It would be different if he called me and asked. This happens all the time. I understand plans can change but things come up with DH every weekend. I feel bad for our son. Our son is the one who gets hurts the most. He has been waiting for DH so we can go to the zoo. He's was really looking forward to the train ride there. I am also pregnant BTW. Normally I would go by myself but right now I need DHS help with outings.

How pregnant are you? You sound like a martyr. Stop with the "big breakfast" that you're annoyed he didn't eat. I bet he even told you he didn't want anything for breakfast but you made it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He had to be that clueless before you got married.

+1

I find it shocking that this only just happened recently. And if it has, maybe you ought to take a look at yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are both crunched for time.

No. He's just disrespectful. It will be 1 or 1:30 pm before he finishes things with his friends. That's exactly when ds should be taking a nap. He plans things as if he's single but he's not anymore.

Can’t you go after the nap? Honestly if nap is at 1:30 and you don’t live close to the zoo, you didn’t have time for the zoo before nap time anyway.

I get that it sucks. I’m married to someone like that too. And I used to be rigid. But like PP said, I chose happiness so I fixed what I could control - which was my rigidity and my expectations.

His nap can be pushed back to 3 pm. He won't take a nap unless we take him on an outing. If it were really 15 minutes it would be NO BIG DEAL but DH never comes back when he says he will. I also don't understand WHY he needs to veiw the house. His friends already bought it. We will eventually see it.

Huh?

How old is this kid? Is the zoo so he will take a nap? Or just to get in that outing?

When you have talked to your DH about your issues with family day, how does he respond? Is he someone who just doesn't pay attention to itineraries?

Most kids need some sort of physical activity to take naps pp. This isn't rocket science.

My kids napped every day for four years regardless of what they did that day. I don't think you know anything about rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you drive OP? I think the fact that you don't have your own car to drive yourself, whenever you want, wherever you want is factoring in here. You are setting yourself-up to have less power in this relationship.

Are you also a SAHM in addition to not driving? I’m sending a very imbalanced power dynamic that leads him to believe he can do whatever.

I'm sensing that OP has posted before. Does your husband also come home and poop in the middle of the day?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

The second he comes back, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. Let him have hi family time taking care of his son. Go enjoy this beautiful afternoon, OP. Take yourself out to dinner. Think through whether you want to continue with this.

My son would end up spending this beautiful day watching TV for hours if I did this. Most likely I will take Uber to the mall with ds. Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie together and DH decided it was the perfect time to install a light fixture instead. He was making loud noise in the same room.

And there it is. You’re moving into martyr mode. So what if your kid is in front of a tv on a random Saturday? Your marriage is on the line and you have an opportunity to do something different: leave for the day. Instead you’re making excuses so you can sit and be the victim. Again, your kid will be fine. Let him spend all afternoon and evening with his other parent. Repeat again for tomorrow. One more time: YOUR KID WILL BE FINE. The question is whether you have the guts to take time and space for yourself.

Op here. The mall is easier for several reasons. We can grab lunch, play at the playground and diaper changes are easier. Sure my son will be fine but I don't want him spending hours watching TV. I actually enjoy watching him play.

OP again: I am pregnant. Being out in public is not what I enjoy right now. It doesn't help me relax. I'd much rather be at home.

Then why did you want to go to the zoo? Is that not in public? You're full on contradictions and refusals, OP. No wonder you have issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP. I can’t believe all these responses! What is the deal with all your unreliable husbands, and why should OP just be content to go do things with her son by herself? My husband knows weekend mornings are family time. When my daughter goes down for a nap, that’s when my husband gets his time to do whatever he wants for the entire afternoon! Can OP’s husband not call his parents and go see his friend’s house during nap? Her husband sounds terrible! OP’s only problem seems to be that she posts on dcum about this instead of confronting her husband.

OP here. Thanks for this. I wish he would think like this. He will call family abroad for hours sometimes in the middle of something we're doing. Last weekend for example he sat in the restaurant parking lot talking on the phone for an hour while we went out to breakfast. I do have patience but he takes it to another level.

I sincerely doubt he's talking to his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP. I can’t believe all these responses! What is the deal with all your unreliable husbands, and why should OP just be content to go do things with her son by herself? My husband knows weekend mornings are family time. When my daughter goes down for a nap, that’s when my husband gets his time to do whatever he wants for the entire afternoon! Can OP’s husband not call his parents and go see his friend’s house during nap? Her husband sounds terrible! OP’s only problem seems to be that she posts on dcum about this instead of confronting her husband.

I don't think anyone thinks her feelings about her husband are unjustified or that she should be content to do things by herself. What people are saying is that the reality is that her husband is this way so she has to deal with her reality, not what she wishes he were like and would do.

No one thinks the husband is behaving well, people just don't think OP should be held back by that bad behavior.

OP here. It's easy to give this advice but his behavior does hold me back. It's like telling someone not to feel bad after a break up.

Stop. No one is telling you how to feel. No one is saying that this isn’t sh!tty behavior by your husband. But to continue to sit there and shoot down every response to do something is on you. You’ve been advised to leave for the day, but you like watching your son play and have tried that before and don’t want him watching tv. You’ve got every excuse for not advocating for yourself. At some point you have to decide not to be a helpless victim here. Otherwise, stop complaining. You’re either part of the problem or part of the solution.

OP here. I have not shot down every response. I have confronted DH about this many times. I am not helpless and I am free to choose what I want to do with my day. I would rather stay at home. You sound a bit mean pp.

Then what do you want, OP? You actually have shot down every single response that has told you what to do. PP isn't mean, you're dense.