please tell me this won't be so bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It kind of seems like what you want to ask isn't 'is moving to the middle of nowhere going to be ok' and rather is 'what do I do about my asshole of a husband'.

My impression is that you feel you're in a situation where you have to comply with everything or he will 'divorce you'. It's easy to make suggestions when you're not the one in this boat, but I think you should consider beating him to the punch. I don't think mental health issues = no custody, particularly for a mom, iif we're talking depression and anxiety that is being treated and not like schizophrenia where you tried to drown the baby last month. Other posters, correct me if I'm wrong.

This, entirely this. The problems -- aside from your own depression, which I know how that feels and how it changes your perceptions of what is and isn't possible, and I hope most sincerely you receive successful treatments for *soon* -- here mostly seem to stem from the fact that your husband, as you describe him, doesn't give a damn about you as a whole person and has no respect for your priorities or feelings.

OR
OR
OP does not verbalize her needs, finds alternative strategies and plans and just says yes, her husband thinking she is fine with his ideas and then she gets to be the victim.

[Anonymous]

OP - this is the realest thing I'm going to say today.

You left a highly controlling rigid home environment for another highly controlling rigid home environment. I mean, marrying someone who is career military guaranteed as much.

So, if and when you finally get your head on straight and realize your marriage is toxic, you will need stable employment history.

PLEASE get your job back, or get another job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. If OP needs to be online at 7:30, won't she be offline at more or less 3:30? That totally leaves time for volunteering.

If she were online at 6:30, she could e offline at 2:30 and handle pick-up for whichever family does drop-off for her.

It is certainly doable. Not even that hard. But OP is struggling because her mental health issues don't let her see this. I feel for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - this is the realest thing I'm going to say today.

You left a highly controlling rigid home environment for another highly controlling rigid home environment. I mean, marrying someone who is career military guaranteed as much.

So, if and when you finally get your head on straight and realize your marriage is toxic, you will need stable employment history.

PLEASE get your job back, or get another job.

You need to stop talking out of your a$$. I'm not OP, but my DH is a Marine Officer and so far from controlling that your statement is offensive. Do you even know any military officers, or are just basing this on watching "A Few Good Men" once too often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - this is the realest thing I'm going to say today.

You left a highly controlling rigid home environment for another highly controlling rigid home environment. I mean, marrying someone who is career military guaranteed as much.

So, if and when you finally get your head on straight and realize your marriage is toxic, you will need stable employment history.

PLEASE get your job back, or get another job.

You need to stop talking out of your a$$. I'm not OP, but my DH is a Marine Officer and so far from controlling that your statement is offensive. Do you even know any military officers, or are just basing this on watching "A Few Good Men" once too often?

NP -- I believe PP's point is still valid. Even without the bolded sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU are choosing to be a total doormat and martyr yourself and then complain you have “no choice.”

YOU are choosing not to exercise any of your choices.

I predict you will do nothing about any of this and be medicated and miserable the rest of your life. But please realize this was not DONE TO you. You allowed it to happen.

Do you particularly enjoy kicking people when they're down?

NP - but I think OP might need some tough love....

She does.

I get enough from my husband, thank you. "You knew what this life would be like when you married me." I don't need to be continually told that I'm the cause of this. I'm aware it's my fault. Believe me, I GET IT.

I'm not blaming you for your past -- but only YOU can change your future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If, somehow, I bet my manager for my job back, how do I also let him know about this volunteer requirement? Like, exact words? He doesn't understand DH's job or even issues revolving around deployments, so I know his first question will be, "Why does it all fall to you, and how will you work this to make sure we're not impacted here?"

You don't. Your manager doesn't give a shit about this stupid volunteer requiremnet, and neither should you. Stop worrying about it. Concentrate on what's important: your JOB. Do whatever little crap stuff they need (see PPs) about making copies, stuff you can do at home at night/weekends, the odd on site volunteer requirement. Who the hell cares if yuo hit 100 hrs? Don't worry about it.

Your manager also doesn't give a shit about your husband's job, nor should he. Not his problem. There are no issues revolving around deployment, plenty of people have no spouses and work while rearing children. Stop acting like such a victim and just get on with your job--tell him what he needs to hear, which is that you have a plan for how to get your work done. None of the details on your life need to be included, just show him that you CAN DO YOUR JOB. That's what he cares about.

You're missing the point. I can't do my job anymore, especially my early morning responsibilities - that's why I quit. I understand that. He needs someone reliable, and I'm not reliable.

No I didn't.

Of course you can do your early morning responsibilities. why are you different than everyone else?

I'm supposed to be online from 7 am to 11 am to handle Europe. I can't do that and handle drop-off at 8:15. That takes me out of the house for at least 30 minutes.

go to public school -- a bus will come pick up your child in the morning presumably.

[Anonymous]

When I had volunteer requirements I would sign up for weekend events that we would be going to anyway. Halloween/fall festival, holiday party etc. The time adds up quickly. I also helped plan teacher appreciation week which was all done by email with other parents. I work full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - this is the realest thing I'm going to say today.

You left a highly controlling rigid home environment for another highly controlling rigid home environment. I mean, marrying someone who is career military guaranteed as much.

So, if and when you finally get your head on straight and realize your marriage is toxic, you will need stable employment history.

PLEASE get your job back, or get another job.

You need to stop talking out of your a$$. I'm not OP, but my DH is a Marine Officer and so far from controlling that your statement is offensive. Do you even know any military officers, or are just basing this on watching "A Few Good Men" once too often?

Reading is fundamental. The first pp meant that there's a lot that's out of your control when you're married to someone in military. Moving every years, the military person's career will always come first, you will always be the primary parent/hh manager, etc. That sort of arrangement works for some people and not for others.

[Anonymous]

OP is it possible you could've negotiated to go part-time with your job? You had been there 17 years - sometimes when you are that established they will work with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - this is the realest thing I'm going to say today.

You left a highly controlling rigid home environment for another highly controlling rigid home environment. I mean, marrying someone who is career military guaranteed as much.

So, if and when you finally get your head on straight and realize your marriage is toxic, you will need stable employment history.

PLEASE get your job back, or get another job.

You need to stop talking out of your a$$. I'm not OP, but my DH is a Marine Officer and so far from controlling that your statement is offensive. Do you even know any military officers, or are just basing this on watching "A Few Good Men" once too often?

Reading is fundamental. The first pp meant that there's a lot that's out of your control when you're married to someone in military. Moving every years, the military person's career will always come first, you will always be the primary parent/hh manager, etc. That sort of arrangement works for some people and not for others.

Actually, I know a lot of FEMALE military officers who are still the primary parent (I'm a military spouse). Gender roles don't change just because of military life. Like in every other career field, the trick is having a partner who actually cares to think through these things with you, and, of course, actually being willing to find solutions rather than shooting them down all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - this is the realest thing I'm going to say today.

You left a highly controlling rigid home environment for another highly controlling rigid home environment. I mean, marrying someone who is career military guaranteed as much.

So, if and when you finally get your head on straight and realize your marriage is toxic, you will need stable employment history.

PLEASE get your job back, or get another job.

You need to stop talking out of your a$$. I'm not OP, but my DH is a Marine Officer and so far from controlling that your statement is offensive. Do you even know any military officers, or are just basing this on watching "A Few Good Men" once too often?

Reading is fundamental. The first pp meant that there's a lot that's out of your control when you're married to someone in military. Moving every years, the military person's career will always come first, you will always be the primary parent/hh manager, etc. That sort of arrangement works for some people and not for others.

This is the first PP. Yes, exactly. She says she has a huge issue with people trying to control her time. Then she married someone whose job literally means that she will spend 15-20 years having someone else control her location, time, and career prospects.

Moreover, while PP's spouse may not be controlling and rigid, it is clear that OP's husband is. He is telling her what school their child will attend, giving her no say in his next assignment, and generally acting the controlling ass that she says she was trying to escape.

[Anonymous]

Did OP explain how they are moving but she had to quit her job because of 100 hours of volunteering? Hence her boss told her to quit? Where is she moving if she can still keep her job if not for the 100 hours requirement? This is very confusing to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did OP explain how they are moving but she had to quit her job because of 100 hours of volunteering? Hence her boss told her to quit? Where is she moving if she can still keep her job if not for the 100 hours requirement? This is very confusing to me.

She has explained that she teleworks, but has required hours because her clients are in Europe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did OP explain how they are moving but she had to quit her job because of 100 hours of volunteering? Hence her boss told her to quit? Where is she moving if she can still keep her job if not for the 100 hours requirement? This is very confusing to me.

She works from home, so the move doesn't matter.

OP, I'm in a similar position, being a military spouse and having worked remotely for over 10 years, through 5 different moves. I did go down to part-time, which helped tremendously. Are you sure your boss wouldn't let you stay on as a part-timer? Perhaps you could get someone to do drop-offs, and then you can still cover the European shift and go down to half-time. There may be other opportunities on a contract basis, either with this employer or a different one. Or perhaps existing clients might have work for you.

My kids are in catholic school with a volunteer requirement, and it really isn't that bad. There are usually things that need to be done that can be done outside regular school hours. Laminating, copying, cutting out things, fundraising, bundling those stupid box tops - the list is literally endless.

I know moving sucks, and having your kid start school is a big change. I'm sorry you had such a difficult childhood. I do think it will be better than you are anticipating, though. Big hugs.

And DCUM can be a rough place to bring complaints like this. I hope you can weed out the noise, and pick out the helpful posts. It will be okay.