please tell me this won't be so bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If DH wants her in private school, he can be the one to make the career sacrifices.

He makes too much money for that, and can retire in just a few years. So he's not going to quit now. He says I just need to hang on a bit, but for what? I've trashed my career, and there won't be any picking it back up when he retires.

[Anonymous]

It kind of seems like what you want to ask isn't 'is moving to the middle of nowhere going to be ok' and rather is 'what do I do about my asshole of a husband'.

My impression is that you feel you're in a situation where you have to comply with everything or he will 'divorce you'. It's easy to make suggestions when you're not the one in this boat, but I think you should consider beating him to the punch. I don't think mental health issues = no custody, particularly for a mom, iif we're talking depression and anxiety that is being treated and not like schizophrenia where you tried to drown the baby last month. Other posters, correct me if I'm wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain this volunteer thing a little bit more. You are moving to a new town, and chose a school that requires 100 hours of volunteer time?

If you will be staying home, why does it matter that the boss agreed?

I'm not trying to be snarky, just trying to unravel the question a little.

The boss basically told me to quit. I can't get a full days work in with drop-off/pick-up and this volunteer work. I can't handle the travel the job requires.

I did not choose the school. DH wanted DD to attend a Catholic school and there is only one in the area.

Ok. So you have a couple of issues, but one is that you need to tell your husband that your career matters, too. Not only does it matter because it is good for your mental health, it matters because you are person whose happiness and fulfillment is important.

So, either your husband can agree to throw money at this problem (pay someone to do drop-off and pick-up) or he can agree to public school. But one way or another, your needs and desires should not be subjugated to his in perpetuity.

I make less than half of what he does. It doesn't make sense to rock boat and insist my career matters.

Besides, it's too late.

Let me do my usual tapdance on this issue - just because you make less than your partner does not mean you should just quit working altogether, because 50% of his income is better than 0% of his income. That is true for your mental health, for your future earning potential, and for your ability to make ends meet on your own should the marriage end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not volunteering if it's a requirement. Why call it that?

So you don't have to pay the help, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what city this is that the military is sending you to have this situation with limited resources.

There aren't limited resources. Just a small town with limited schooling. Yes, there's a world outside DC (which, to be fair, I had to get used to when I first moved away after growing up here).

Yeah I know. I’m in the military hahaa. And I’m not from this area originally although it is my second time here.

[Anonymous]

There are ways you can make this work to keep your job, but it sounds like you don’t want to.

100 hours a year is only 2.5 hours a week (assuming 40-week school year).

Do you work full time or part time? If full time, can you drop to 32 or 36 hours a week and then just volunteer at the school one morning each week for a few hours? If you work part time already, this volunteer requirement is nothing.

You drop off in the morning and then hire a nanny for the afternoon pick up & babysitting. Get a nanny who can work on at least some of the days your daughter is off school so you don’t have to take them all off. There is no reason your husband can’t take a few of the days off too. I work for a 3-star admiral and he takes some leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It kind of seems like what you want to ask isn't 'is moving to the middle of nowhere going to be ok' and rather is 'what do I do about my asshole of a husband'.

My impression is that you feel you're in a situation where you have to comply with everything or he will 'divorce you'. It's easy to make suggestions when you're not the one in this boat, but I think you should consider beating him to the punch. I don't think mental health issues = no custody, particularly for a mom, iif we're talking depression and anxiety that is being treated and not like schizophrenia where you tried to drown the baby last month. Other posters, correct me if I'm wrong.

I have no desire to divorce him. It wouldn't solve anything anyway - I'd still be unemployed, couldn't afford to live in DC, and he'd fight to have DD near him. So at the very least, I'd be a single mom in a small town, still subject to the volunteer work, but without any marital benefits (financial, whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain this volunteer thing a little bit more. You are moving to a new town, and chose a school that requires 100 hours of volunteer time?

If you will be staying home, why does it matter that the boss agreed?

I'm not trying to be snarky, just trying to unravel the question a little.

The boss basically told me to quit. I can't get a full days work in with drop-off/pick-up and this volunteer work. I can't handle the travel the job requires.

I did not choose the school. DH wanted DD to attend a Catholic school and there is only one in the area.

Ok. So you have a couple of issues, but one is that you need to tell your husband that your career matters, too. Not only does it matter because it is good for your mental health, it matters because you are person whose happiness and fulfillment is important.

So, either your husband can agree to throw money at this problem (pay someone to do drop-off and pick-up) or he can agree to public school. But one way or another, your needs and desires should not be subjugated to his in perpetuity.

I make less than half of what he does. It doesn't make sense to rock boat and insist my career matters.

Besides, it's too late.

Let me do my usual tapdance on this issue - just because you make less than your partner does not mean you should just quit working altogether, because 50% of his income is better than 0% of his income. That is true for your mental health, for your future earning potential, and for your ability to make ends meet on your own should the marriage end.

Yes, this (I'm the PP who suggested you should think about if you want to be in this relationship). I get that the podunk town may not offer you the job of your dreams, but at least work p/t while you decide what to do, so you have an exit strategy if you need/want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain this volunteer thing a little bit more. You are moving to a new town, and chose a school that requires 100 hours of volunteer time?

If you will be staying home, why does it matter that the boss agreed?

I'm not trying to be snarky, just trying to unravel the question a little.

The boss basically told me to quit. I can't get a full days work in with drop-off/pick-up and this volunteer work. I can't handle the travel the job requires.

I did not choose the school. DH wanted DD to attend a Catholic school and there is only one in the area.

WTF? You're being forced to quit your job by your DH because he insists on Catholic school, but can't do any of the work for it. I'd tell my DH to eff off before i agreed to that.

If I do that, he'll divorce me, and I'll never see my daughter again. Because who would you give custody to? The unemployed mentally ill mother? Come on.

That is not how that works. Also, you need to call you boss back and BEG for your job. Tell her circumstances have changed and you can now do it. Tell your DH to shove the private school, or tell the private school to shove the 100 hr requirement.

It's KINDERGARDEN. Your daughter will be fine in the school. If you have to quit in a year, at least you'll know what you're getting and will be settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are ways you can make this work to keep your job, but it sounds like you don’t want to.

100 hours a year is only 2.5 hours a week (assuming 40-week school year).

Do you work full time or part time? If full time, can you drop to 32 or 36 hours a week and then just volunteer at the school one morning each week for a few hours? If you work part time already, this volunteer requirement is nothing.

You drop off in the morning and then hire a nanny for the afternoon pick up & babysitting. Get a nanny who can work on at least some of the days your daughter is off school so you don’t have to take them all off. There is no reason your husband can’t take a few of the days off too. I work for a 3-star admiral and he takes some leave.

We've tried the nanny thing when DD was a baby. Not fun in (another) small town! They aren't professionals and aren't very reliable.

Yes, I worked full time. Usually 7 am to 4 pm to cover our Europe office for a few hours in the morning. It was getting difficult anyway, and with the situation now, impossible. Boss was not ok with me shifting my hours later and/or going to a workshare/pt situation. I get it. He needs someone reliable too.

[Anonymous]

It will be ok. I also have social anxiety and I would feel the same way. You are taking the first steps by setting up counseling and having your meds in order.

I understand the stress the volunteer requirement is causing but try to think of it as a positive. I had a smaller requirement at my DC1’s private kindergarten and it forced me to get out and meet other parents. I would not have otherwise. I will always look for excuses to avoid any social situations and many times I need be comittment to force myself to go. It keeps me from withdrawing. It will also help you see what is going on in the new school.

Moving is hard but take it one day at a time. In time you can find another job. It’s best you don’t have the stress of starting a new position in a new place on top of everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not volunteering if it's a requirement. Why call it that?

So you don't have to pay the help, of course.

When our private send out a notice for volunteer hour requirements, I just sent them back this:

vol·un·teer
?väl?n?tir/Submit
noun
1.
a person who freely offers to take part in an enterprise or undertake a task.
synonyms: subject, participant, case, patient; informalguinea pig
"each volunteer was tested three times"
verb
1.
freely offer to do something.
"he volunteered for the job"


And ignored it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It kind of seems like what you want to ask isn't 'is moving to the middle of nowhere going to be ok' and rather is 'what do I do about my asshole of a husband'.

My impression is that you feel you're in a situation where you have to comply with everything or he will 'divorce you'. It's easy to make suggestions when you're not the one in this boat, but I think you should consider beating him to the punch. I don't think mental health issues = no custody, particularly for a mom, iif we're talking depression and anxiety that is being treated and not like schizophrenia where you tried to drown the baby last month. Other posters, correct me if I'm wrong.

This, entirely this. The problems -- aside from your own depression, which I know how that feels and how it changes your perceptions of what is and isn't possible, and I hope most sincerely you receive successful treatments for *soon* -- here mostly seem to stem from the fact that your husband, as you describe him, doesn't give a damn about you as a whole person and has no respect for your priorities or feelings.

[Anonymous]

Ok, first things first, I hope you get the care you need to protect/preserve your baseline mental health. Maybe you can even get your husband to do a session or two with you, to learn some better communication techniques and how he can be a better partner to you, given the sacrifices you have made/are making.

But re: the school volunteering - surely with that kind of time commitment from EVERY family, there have to be some roles that would suit you? It sounds like you're introverted ("strangers!") so maybe something involving book or supply management, even clean-up crew? If they're going to ask that much time of you, the least they can do is make it palatable

Re: the small town thing...you probably know this from other moves, but keep an open mind. We have lots of active duty friends and while some locations do genuinely suck/have no redeeming factors at all, sometimes they can surprise you (whether it's being able to afford a sweet house, finding a great sense of community, proximity to places that don't suck, etc.). Wishing you the best!

[Anonymous]

You need good counseling so you can deal with the other stuff.