MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
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Anonymous
NP. For me the question is how MIL will behave if she does come. If she’s sulky and passive-aggressive, that’s going to put a damper on OPs event. I think down the road but well before November, DH needs to have a nice, empathetic conversation with his parents about it all. Maybe there’s a way to give her a star turn so she feels good, like letting her do some of the pies or whatever. |
Anonymous
NP. God, I so wish. We don't even have a guest room and my ILs INSIST on staying with us, and they never stay for less than 7 nights. So I'm cook/maid/grocery shopper/etc. for 2 extra adults for sometimes weeks on end. It is not a question of money, they just prefer to stay with us so that they can get everything done for them. Also, OP, I feel you with the early notice. When my ILs announced they were coming for Easter, which I was not planning to host this year, after I hosted them for Thanksgiving and Easter the previous year, we immediately sent an email to the rest of the family also inviting them for Easter and declaring up front, in January, that we will not host Thanksgiving this year as we have the last 12 years as I just don't have it in me to host everyone again for 2 holidays this year. It's a ton of work, and no one but my husband pitches in. I hate it and wish I could just go somewhere and bring a pie. I also haven't seen my side of the family for 2 years for a holiday! I want a turn too! |
Anonymous
Hello? YOUR HUSBAND should be "cook/maid/grocery shopper/etc." during his parents' visits, even if you usually do those tasks for your immediate family. I am fine with my ILs' 3-night, occasional stays, and even do extra cooking and cleaning if I have the capacity and feel like it, but my DH absolutely knows that he's "primary host" for his family visits. This was especially true when we had small babies. We even have warned them, "Yes, you can come for Memorial Day weekend, but we've got a lot going on, so it will be a pizza-and-fend-for-yourselves kind of weekend." I'm not even going to touch the point that no one gets to "insist" on being in my home or for how long with you--you're a lost cause, clearly. Grow a pair and set some boundaries! |
Anonymous
Why the heck can’t you spend holidays with your side of the family? Next me your ILs invite themselves for Easter, make a dinner reservation and eat out. You also don’t need to turn that into a big family gathering. If other relatives want to see your ILs, they can invite them and host a dinner or whatever. You have started drawing boundaries with the preemptive email about Thanksgiving. Keep building on that! |
Anonymous
Well, my husband just got a new job, so I'm hopeful that more of the hosting of his family will now be able to be on him. Unfortunately, in his old position, he did not get home in time to eat dinner with us. Since we have kids, I sort of have to feed the kids (ha), and of course, that extends to feeding myself and my ILs. The length of visits and announcing when and for how long they are coming - again, hoping that once more of this falls on my husband, he will come around to it not being ok. Since his old job had long and irregular hours, he wouldn't see his parents much when they visited, so the length of time didn't faze him, whereas I bore the brunt of the visits. If you only see them an hour or two a day, a two week visit probably doesn't seem that long! I also work full time and we have young children, so it was a lot to take for me. |
Anonymous
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Do you have to have Thanksgiving on Thursday? Can you host one other day over the long weekend?
You shouldn't have to, and MIL is being a diva, but... it's just a date on the calendar, what difference does it make to those of us who are *not* divas? |
Anonymous
NP. No. There are some days that are celebrated on "the day," unless there is a significant reason to shift it around. MIL holding on to hosting with iron claws and never letting anyone else host is not a good reason to celebrate Thanksgiving on another day. If anything, *MIL* should host a "Friendsgiving" the weekend before or after with her friends, if she wants to. They are likely all retired with flexible schedules. Part of the whole Thanksgiving puzzle is people who only have certain days/times off of school and work. |
Anonymous
Should BIL's wife have been telling you this? It just makes things more complicated by her tattling on MIL. |
Anonymous
Should MIL Have been gossiping to BIL's wife? If you don't want something to be repeated, don't say it. Pretty simple. |
Anonymous
Pp here. That's true. But in my experience, people telling others what gossips have been saying about them just makes things worse which I told my kid over and over again in middle school to no avail. It's not a matter of protecting MIL's privacy. It's a matter of making things just crazier in family relationships by increasing the level of drama. |
Anonymous
But you're assuming ill intent. I can see the SIL getting the email inviting her family to Thanksgiving, then getting the gossipy call from MIL, and calling either OP or OP's husband in a maybe ill-advised attempt to figure out what's going on/smooth things over/show solidarity for OP. You have to assume that SIL and her husband, too, have wanted to host, and been denied. So she probably called OP or her husband to say, "Thank you for standing up and doing this; I hope we get a turn sometime, too." |
Anonymous
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I'm still not clear on who knew what when. You said you called MIL to tell her you were hosting and her and her friends were welcome - did you tell her you were about to invite all of her usual guests, seven months in advance, as well? When you invited everyone else two weeks later, did you tell them MIL knew but was noncommittal about her own plans still? Or did you just say you had told MIL, implying that she was in agreement already with the change in venue?
It may very well be that everyone wants something new. But if people accepted with the misconception that MIL was on board, then I agree with PPs that there may be several awkward months and possible retractions of acceptances. |
Anonymous
Control. It's always about control for the always-host types. |
Anonymous
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When H and I first got married 10 years ago we knew we wanted children but not for a few years. While looking to buy we came across a house we fell in love with and we snapped it up. Not far from the city and we got a really good deal. It's a beautiful 4 bedroom house with a nice yard.
Ever since we bought that house H and I have hosted almost every TG and Christmas. The family wants it at our house because it's big. No one wants to offer up their place in the city because its too small. I think they just don't want to deal with the headache of hosting and they have gotten used to me doing it. Last year H and I said no more. We let the family know LAST year that we would not be hosting any holidays for a few years. I would have given anything for someone to take it off my hands. My family is mad as hell but I don't give a damn. H, the kids and I are traveling for Christmas this year and we are having Xmas eve and Xmas dinner at a restaurant. I can hardly wait. |
Anonymous
| As long as BIL's wife stays on your team, she will come around. She wants to be with the grandkids and she will give in. If she doesn't, a year of sulking will do her just right. |